Corporate Language Compliance

As we all know, there are two basic kinds of scientific studies. The first is a ground-breaking paper that changes the way we view the world, and forces us to confront our presuppositions and biases about how we think the world works, and change our perspective. The other tells us what we already know to be true, and makes us feel good. The second kind, of course, is what we'd call "good science".

Or, if you want to skip past this straight to the generator at the bottom.

For example, what if I told you that people who are impressed by hyperbolic corporate jargon are dumber than you or I? It's probably something you already believe is true, but wouldn't you like a scientist to tell you that it's true?

Well, have I got good news for you. If you're tired of hearing about "growth-hacking paradigms" researchers at Cornell found that people who are impressed by semantically empty phrases are also bad at making decisions.

The entire paper is available, if you like charts.

There are a few key highlights worth reading, though. The paper spends a fair bit of time distinguishing between "jargon" and "bullshit". Jargon is domain specific language that is impenetrable to "out-group" individuals, while bullshit may be just as impenetrable, but also is "semantically empty and confusing".

It also has some ideas about why we drift from useful jargon to bullshit. It starts, potentially, as a way to navigate socially difficult situations by blunting our speech: I can't say that I think you're terrible at your job, but I can say you need to actualize the domain more than you currently are. But also, it's largely attempts to fluff ourselves up, whether it's trying to contribute to a meeting when we haven't an idea what we're talking about, or trying to just sound impressive or noble in public messaging. It seems that the backbone of bullshit is the people who didn't do the reading for Literature class but insist on holding forth during the classroom discussion, confident they can bullshit their way through.

Of course, bullshit doesn't thrive unless you have people willing to fall for it. And when it comes to that, it's worth quoting the paper directly:

Bullshit receptivity is linked to a lower analytic thinking, insight, verbal ability, general knowledge, metacognition, and intelligence (Littrell & Fugelsang, 2024; Littrell et al., 2021b; Pennycook et al., 2015; Salvi et al., 2023). It also predicts certain types of poor decision-making and a greater proclivity to both endorse and spread fake news, conspiracy theories, and other epistemically-suspect claims (avojova et al., 2019; Iacobucci & De Cicco, 2022; Littrell et al., 2024; Pennycook & Rand, 2020).

The paper cites a study that indicates there's an aspect of education to this. If you take a bunch of undergrads to an art gallery and present them with fluffed up descriptions of artist intent, they're more likely to see the works as profound. But if you do the same thing with people who routinely go to art galleries, the bullshit has little effect on them. It also indicates that our susceptibility to bullshit is highly context dependent, and anyone could potentially fall for bullshit in a domain they don't know enough about.

Wait, I thought this was about talking about a paper that confirms my biases and makes me feel good? I don't want to think about how I could succumb to bullshit. That's terrifying.

The backbone of the paper is the actual methodology, the analyses of their results, and their carefully crafted bullshit phrases used for the study, which are pretty goddamn great. Or terrible, depending on your perspective.

• Our goal is to engage our capabilities by focusing our efforts on executing thecurrent transmission of our empowerment, driving an innovative growth-mindset with our change drivers, and coaching energetic frameworks to ourresonating focus.
• Our goal is to engage our conversations by focusing our efforts onarchitecting the current vector of our balanced scorecard.
• Working at the intersection of cross-collateralization and blue-sky thinking,we will actualize a renewed level of cradle-to-grave credentialing and end-state vision in a world defined by architecting to potentiate on a verticallandscape.

There are a few other key things the paper notes. First, unchecked bullshit can turn an environment toxic and drive away competent employees who need to escape it. It also could potentially impact hiring: a bullshit laden workplace may seek out bullshit friendly employees, making the situation worse. What the study does show is that bullshit-receptive employees are more likely to fertilize the field themselves. And there's also the sad truth: bullshit works. If you're looking to fluff yourself up, impress your superiors, and climb the ladder, the careful application of bullshit may get you where you want to go.

And it's that last point that brings us to the real point of this article. If you're here, you're likely not the most bullshit friendly employee. Clearly, you're smarter and make better decisions than that. (This is that good science I was talking about- you're probably more attractive than those people too, though there's no study to that effect yet.)

If you're not using bullshit, you're leaving powerful tools for self-promotion on the table. But it's hard to come up with suitably impressive and semantically vacant phrases. Fear not, we're here to help! Here's a phrase generator for you, that will come up with endless phrases that you can use in meetings and mission statements to sound far more impressive.

Generate

Now, admittedly, this generator may use a grammar for generating phrases, but it's not an English grammar, and the result is that sometimes it has problems with verb agreement and other prosaic English rules. I say, lean into it. Let someone challenge your bad grammar, and then look down your nose at them, and say: "I'm blue-skying the infosphere across new domains, you wouldn't get it."

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