Streaming vs. Theaters

More Americans than ever are choosing to watch movies at home rather than going out to the theater. The Onion lays out the drawbacks and benefits of both experiences.

Concessions:
Streaming: 790 calories of stale crackers, spoonfuls of peanut butter, and shredded cheese.
Theaters: 790 calories of whatever 16-year-old theater employee didn't confiscate.

Size Of Vin Diesel's Head:
Streaming: Unacceptably small
Theaters: Gigantic, as God meant for it to be seen

Sound Quality:
Streaming: Tough to hear dialogue while cooking, vacuuming, and practicing drums
Theaters: Dental fillings shaken loose by sound of Coca-Cola ad

Screen Size:
Streaming: A giant 55 inches
Theaters: A middling 50 feet

Get To Walk By Pottery Barn Before Watching:
Streaming: Rarely
Theaters: Often

Worst Annoyance:
Streaming: Constant buffering
Theaters: Constant gunfire

Drawbacks:
Streaming: Rarely finish movie without encountering distraction
Theaters: Forced to finish movie without any distractions

Glen Powell:
Streaming: Yup, he's here.
Theaters: Plenty of Powell here, too.

Thing You Wanted To See:
Streaming: Unavailable
Theaters: Sold Out

Dynamically Inserted Ads:
Streaming: In Use
Theaters: Just You Wait

Way To Cheat The System:
Streaming: Use friend's login
Theaters: Wear homemade mask to resemble AMC Stubs member

Quality Of Films:
Streaming: Terrible, formulaic movies made with shoestring budgets
Theaters: Terrible, formulaic movies made with $100 million budgets

Feeling Afterward:
Streaming: Wish you saw it in a theater
Theaters: Wish you just stayed home

The post Streaming vs. Theaters appeared first on The Onion.