Nation’s Alcoholics Spontaneously Share List Of Places Where It’s Okay To Drink

WASHINGTON-Launching into the address without any preamble or provocation, the nation's alcoholics held a spontaneous press conference Monday to share a list of places where it's okay to drink. Bars are the obvious first choice, but once the uptight scolds kick you out just for having a good time, shopping mall food courts and convenience store parking lots are great backups," said Milwaukee-area drunkard Nicholas Urie, echoing the unsolicited sentiments of all 27.9 million Americans diagnosed with alcohol use disorder, each of whom agreed there's nothing wrong with a little nip in the car." Weddings are acceptable, of course, and funerals are fair game, too-drinking is encouraged at funerals, actually. Kid birthday parties are fine as long as you stick to beer and use a koozie. Ferries, buses, commuter trains are great for knocking back a couple. Truth is there's not a lot of cops at the butterfly sanctuary. And listen, if you're looking for a dark, quiet place where you won't get hassled, you can't do much better than a planetarium." The nation's alcoholics added that if all else failed, a dry, secluded spot beneath an overpass was always an option.

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