The Register

What a time to be alive NSFW A new "AI" application could save pornography sites hours of grunt work. The neural network "Miles Deep", released under the GPL, claims to classify each second of a porn clip of a sexual act with 95 per cent accuracy.…

Shadow IT casts its darkness over us all Something for the Weekend, Sir? I would like it to be known that mine is bigger than yours. And yours is bigger than everyone else's. Only losers waste their time with small. We do big.…

Game theory, moral machines and the 'Trolley Problem' A common fantasy for transportation enthusiasts and technology optimists is for self-driving cars and trucks to form the basis of a safe, streamlined, almost choreographed dance. In this dream, every vehicle – and cyclist and pedestrian – proceeds unimpeded on any route, as the rest of the traffic skillfully avoids collisions and even eliminates stop-and-go traffic. It’s a lot like the synchronized traffic chaos in Rush Hour, a short movie by Black Sheep Films.…

We don't need no early adopters... Radbot Previously, you made it clear that most of you think that test harnesses are a GoodThing.…

The tale of a truly career-defining hell desk call ON-CALL If it's Friday it must be time for me to file On-Call and then start drinking so you can start the last day of the week with one of our always-amusing tales of nasty jobs done at nasty times.…

Icy heart thought to cover subterranean super-slushie Pluto may contain a colossal underground ocean, say New Horizons mission scientists.…

Offers cheap-ish fix for screens that lose touch with the real world Apple has admitted that the iPhone 6 has “Touch Disease”, a glitch that leaves the handset's touch screen inoperable.…

Open sourced 'Little Doctor' vaporises chat apps, but Rocket Chat, Ryver patched. KIWICON Hackers everywhere can now more easily compromise popular chat apps to steal users' webcam and audio feeds using a worm framework published online - and they even have a new zero day to help the plundering.…

Records snatched in bid to get handsets UK carrier Three Mobile was the victim of a hacking scheme that has reportedly left the records of millions of customers exposed.…

560-slot library can store 8.4 petabytes. The good news: bad guys can only get 45TB an hour HP Enterprise has warned that its StoreEver MSL6480 Tape Library is at risk of allowing “remote unauthorized disclosure of information.”…

Bank of Mum & Dad steps in where others fear to tread nbn™, the entity building and operating Australia's National Broadband Network, has secured a AU$19.5bn loan from Australia's government and will use it to complete project.…

Virtzilla's Predictive Distributed Resource Scheduler squeezed into final release VMware's quietly revealed that vSphere 6.5 is now generally available and therefore on-sale to world+dog.…

VirtualIron Curtain lowered on Microsoft-bait business network Russian telecoms regulator Roskomnadzor has made it official: LinkedIn is no longer welcome in Putin's formerly-socialist paradise.…

Although not at the same time It has been a good 24 hours for the European Space Agency. Not only has its first four-in-one Galileo satellite launch gone flawlessly, but ESA astronaut Thomas Pesquet is on his way to the International Space Station.…

Embrace, extend, er, enter In March, when Microsoft announced plans to release SQL Server for Linux, Scott Guthrie, EVP of Microsoft's cloud and enterprise group, said, "This will enable SQL Server to deliver a consistent data platform across Windows Server and Linux, as well as on-premises and cloud."…

Just wait for FBI versus Apple: The Revenge Versus16 Silicon Valley should work with the US government in Washington to arrive at a solution that gives law enforcement access to encrypted comms, but that respects individual privacy.…

More than half of workers say they rely on apps to make ends meet Around 56 per cent of "gig economy" workers say the income they get from those services is essential to making ends meet.…

Connect shows direction for .NET, cloud and mobile efforts Connect 2016 At the Connect event under way in New York, Microsoft laid out its plans for developers targeting its platform – though what the "Microsoft platform" means has changed radically from what it used to be.…

Users flummoxed by texts telling them to shift funds by Monday Exclusive Payment service Revolut has contacted users in several countries to warn them that funds in their accounts will disappear if not transferred to a bank by November 21.…

Time to turn security model inside out, conference hears Versus16 It's a computer security truism that human beings are the biggest network threat. Sysadmins have always assumed that means users, but it may be time to take a long, hard look in the mirror.…

Not that kind of merger, but a merger nonetheless Opinion The Australian Federal Government is wasting millions of dollars on redundant cyber-capabilities. It should scupper its competing agencies and strip powers from others, and hand the lot to a resuscitated Australian High Tech Crime Center police-civilian super-agency that would be distributed across Australian capital cities.…

Want to keep your call records private? Disconnect from iCloud Apple's effort to avoid becoming an on-demand data dispensary for authorities faces unlikely saboteurs: The company's commitment to convenience and its customers' preference for the same.…

Good riddance, says senator who caught him lying Videos James Clapper, who as Director of National Intelligence was economical with the truth when it came to acknowledging US domestic surveillance activities subsequently revealed by NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden, has announced his resignation.…

Yahoo! is going to fit right in here AOL, best known for being your parents' old ISP, is laying off 500 workers.…

You had one job, Mozilla. One job Mozilla popped out a new browser today, aimed at the privacy-aware mobile user. Somewhat ironically, it sends Mozilla user data by default: you’ll need to turn this off manually.…

Data to be crunched in on-premises bit barn, transport types confirm Transport for London is to start a four week trial of reading Wi-Fi connection request data from London Underground passengers’ mobile phones.…

Government accused of burying report in wake of Trump election The UK government has been accused of burying a report on its hated £11bn smart meters project by releasing revised spending data just hours after the election of Donald Trump.…

Buying app monitoring and analytics smarts to add to its infrastructure intelligence Storage workload and network testing company Virtual Instruments has bought Xangati and its hybrid cloud and virtualisation performance management technology.…

Motorola gets paid if it's on time, gets paid if it's delayed Users of the UK government's plans to shove the emergency services on to a 4G network by March 2020 are sceptical about the programme's timetable. Perhaps somewhat unsurprisingly, since a scheme of this scale has never before been tried anywhere else in the world.…

All Virtzilla's stuff to rise 15% from 1 January for UK punters VMware will become the latest American software company to bump up UK prices for customers by double digit percentage points from the start of next year, not that Virtzilla wanted to be drawn on the plans.…

Tomitribe secures JCP EC presence amid familiar blend Web commerce giant Alibaba has failed in its bid to steward Java in an election that largely returned a familiar blend of members.…

Out of 30, four retired and only seven have graduated this year ApacheCon Stewards of the Apache Software Foundation are mildly concerned that many nascent projects are spending longer in the incubator, putting pressure on limited mentoring resources.…

Neat storage subsystem adds multiple OS instances WDLabs has introduced a Raspberry Pi storage subsystem with three drive products and multiple OS project spaces.…

It's tried, tested and proven in all-out war – and we've already got it, unlike the F-35 The solution to the Royal Navy’s post-2018 problem of having no anti-ship weapons is already in service and can even equip the UK’s new aircraft carriers.…

UWP – now slightly less Universal than before! The UK's largest retail bank, Lloyds, has withdrawn its app from the Windows Store, and the bank's web page now redirects to a 404. TSB's Windows mobile app has also disappeared.…

Adds bounty to cut bugs in Android updates The latest and greatest Snapdragon processor, the 835 due out in the first half of next year, will be made by Samsung and be the first to use the chaebol's 10-nanometer FinFET architecture.…

OpenSensors.io's Yodit Stanton to take the stage Building IoT We're chuffed to announce that IoT luminary and self-confessed data nerd Yodit Stanton will be joining us at Building IoT next March as a keynote speaker.…

Declining funds and staff but growing flash revenues Analysis NetApp's long story short – customers aren't buying the old stuff and don't like the new stuff much either.…

$10bn scheme not at all unrealistic *cough* Hyperloop *cough* Opinion Money-burning madtech mogul Elon Musk has asked US regulators for permission to launch more than 4,000 satellites in a $10bn wheeze to create a global satellite internet network.…

Targets the heart of the network Analysis Nine months after announcing its Telecom Infrastructure Project (TIP), Facebook has held its first summit and unveiled new partners and a first concrete project, a white box transponder/router for fibre backhaul, called Voyager.…

FlashArray//M customers will get souped-up protocol Pure's NVMe-Ready Guarantee promises every newly purchased FlashArray//M can be upgraded to full NVMe through their Evergreen Storage program.…

Days of froth and noise inside the big tent are over No man is an island, nor is OpenStack removed from the fates of two of its – until recently – best-known names.…

#PrayForKCL Exclusive Staff at King's College London are now being offered counseling and prayers to help them get over the data loss suffered during October's catastrophic IT failure.…

Data centre owner Everest says routers in stack ran different software versions Cloudy hosting biz Memset's outage on 15 November has been explained by data centre operator Everest DC: a power outage combined with stacked routers each running different software versions.…

POPs dropped into DCs for better performance and local peering Sysadmins need a "nice" user experience, and Daniel Iversen, head of solution architects for Dropbox Asia Pacific, told The Register that was in mind when the company pushed out a bunch of new admin capabilities.…

Social Network™ messed up counts of the stuff advertisers and publishers love Facebook has offered the advertising world an An Update on Metrics and Reporting that's needed because it's been counting things wrong, again.…

Hacked hack's Mac yaps, Nest cam slapped Kiwicon When Dan Tentler hacked writer Kevin Roose's Mac, his chief problem wasn't trying to pop the shell; it was trying to rein in the hundreds of shells he spawned.…

Yet another cloud workstation hits the market, plus some grunt for artificial braniacs Google's followed its cloudy rivals into the servers-plus-GPUs caper, announcing that “Early in 2017, Google Cloud Platform will offer GPUs worldwide for Google Compute Engine and Google Cloud Machine Learning users.”…

First 30-million smartmobe quarter ever just happened, but feature phones still sell more India has just recorded its first-ever 30-million-smartphones-shipped quarter, according to abacus-shuffling firm IDC.…

DHCP has to be trusted, so this isn't trivial to block How do you get a sniff of a locked computer? Tell it you're its gateway to the entire Internet IPv4 routing space.…