The Register

Zuck Off, says UK Health Minister Comment "Won't somebody think of the children!" Hur hur.…

Ding dong merrily you're high Nothing says Christmas like a wreath. Except of course a reefer wreath. But why stop at Jesus and Mary, when you can add a full ounce of Mary Jane, dressed with eucalyptus, wheat and rosemary that stoners can use to decorate their knockers this festivus.…

Subscribe, or record nothing after a year, customers told Home security company Y-Cam has enraged its users after pulling its free lifetime cloud storage for its cameras.…

And it doesn't matter if you call the engine a 'range extender' or not BMW claims that its electric i3 car has “zero emissions” and is a “really clean car [that] helps to give back to the environment”. Ad regulators have ordered it never to say that again – pointing to the Beemer’s petrol-fuelled auxiliary engine.…

Could it be eyeing up more public sector deals? Public sector outsourcing favourite Capita has appointed House of Lords backbencher Lucy Neville-Rolfe as independent non-executive director.…

No surprises, just a well made modern mobe Review HMD's efforts to put the Nokia brand over what we call the "Shenzhen generics" formula haven't exactly set the world on fire yet. But in all honesty, you'll struggle to find anything better for £399, the revised price of the Nokia 8.…

Big Red (tor)mentors, ‘Design Realization Garage’ and yachting lake (obvs) As Facebook is being slapped down for trying to get ‘em young with its under-13s messenger service, Oracle has gone one step further towards life-time lock-in: by opening a high school on its campus.…

Involves big hitter Android Studio, APKTool and more Security researchers have found several flaws in the developer tools and environments used by Android programmers.…

Privacy International: Companies need to be explicit, not rely on fine print Car rental companies should offer customers explicit information on what happens to data that has been sucked up by connected cars, a civil rights group has said.…

It can create or destroy. Yes, we're still talking about IT infrastructure... Terraform is taking over as one of the critical new technologies for managing composable infrastructure both in and out of the cloud. Where does it fit in a world with Docker, Kubernetes, Puppet and other tools that all seem to be important elements in this space?…

Show me the money: No longer data guardians, Gartner says Chief data officers are increasingly asked to help monetise the data companies hold, rather than purely managing and protecting that data, according to Gartner.…

Merry Christmas! Workers at the Sopra Steria-run government shared services centre received an early Christmas present this week: the opportunity to apply for voluntary redundancy.…

The firewall might not work. It can corrupt data. Why haven't you downloaded it yet? Microsoft's released something odd: a new tech preview of Windows Server's semi-annual release channel with no new features but a few known issues with the potential to mess things up.…

Schools left without Wi-Fi! How will the kids learn? A Google slip-up left educators scratching their heads after schools' Chromebooks developed mass wireless network SSID amnesia.…

'Your search is trash and you stopped paying ' vs. 'we had a deal you can't walk away from' The Mozilla Foundation and Yahoo! have flung sueballs at each other, after the former ended its deal to have the latter provide search results in the Firefox browser amid claims it hadn't been paid.…

Message client vendors have had 25 years to get RFC 1342 right Penetration tester Sabri Haddouche has reintroduced the world to email source spoofing, bypassing spam filters and protections like Domain-based Message Authentication, Reporting and Conformance (DMARC), thereby posing a risk to anyone running a vulnerable and unpatched mail client.…

Biased models mean bad decisions for women and some races. Google boffins think they've improved things a bit Google's taken a small step towards addressing the persistent problem of bias in artificial intelligence, setting its boffins to work on equal-opportunity smile detection.…

Android Studio, Eclipse, and IntelliJ IDEA stabbed in the back by an XML parser Developers using the Android Studio, Eclipse, and IntelliJ IDEA have been advised to update their IDEs against serious and easily-exploitable vulnerabilities.…

'Kata Containers' blends every-container-gets-a-kernel tech from Intel and hyper.sh The OpenStack Foundation has made good on its promise to start helping complementary projects by adopting every-container-gets-its-own-kernel projects run by Intel and hyper.sh.…

Imagine a netbook with a SIM card. Bingo Pics Qualcomm, Microsoft, Asus, HP Inc and Lenovo today talked up their upcoming Arm-compatible, Snapdragon-powered three-in-one Windows 10 PCs.…

But people will still play a role in crafting code Boffins at the Department of Energy's Oak Ridge National Laboratory speculate that by 2040 advances in AI disciplines like machine learning and natural language processing will shift most software code creation from people to machines.…

Boffins experiment with machine-learning-edited promos to lure ppl to its flicks Researchers at Netflix are experimenting with creating software-edited trailers personalized for individual subscribers to get more peeps to watch its films, according to a well-placed source familiar with the matter.…

'Every time we launch a new platform we got through processes learning how to do it well' nbn™ chairman Ziggy Switkowski last night told a Senate Estimates hearing that problems with the hybrid fibre-coax (HFC) network it bought from Telstra first emerged in July.…

You won't sell our stuff? We won't let you watch our vids Google is trying to stop Amazon Echo Show devices from streaming YouTube videos – and from January, it will block Amazon’s Fire TVs from accessing the vid service, too.…

I'm so surprised, says no one in Silicon Valley The co-founder of tube-traveling startup Hyperloop One and a key Uber investor has left the company effective immediately following allegations of sexual assault.…

Ai.type leaves wealth of personal info open to all Another week, another open database left online, but this latest case has shown not only sloppy security but also how much data you’re giving up with some apps.…

Snapdragon Win 10 PCs declaration of war on Intel Analysis Qualcomm conquered the high-end smartphone world with its top-end Arm-compatible Snapdragon chips powering more than 120 smart mobes models globally.…

Pai calls net neutrality opponents 'desperate' With just a week to go before the head of the FCC will put his plan for a repeal of current net neutrality rules up for a vote, Ajit Pai has come under another barrage of criticism, this time with a focus on consumer protection.…

Judge says social networks not to blame for cop killings A US Judge says social networks cannot be held accountable for the murderous actions of their users.…

Surprise findings EE’s dominance as the best-performing UK mobile network has one or two surprising short comings in the No.1’s performance. Real-world data suggests Vodafone has the best network for 4G packet loss and EE the worst.…

Wants to lead a 'Phull-er' life VMware’s UK boss has insisted it was his decision to quit Virtzilla to pursue pastures new and spend more time with his young family.…

Says VirtualWisdom makes it wiser about apps Virtual Instruments has said it is getting more application-centric with its v5.4 release of VirtualWisdom, its infrastructure performance monitoring and analytics platform, which builds on its Xangati acquisition.…

It's 2017: Is the splinternet nearer than ever? Analysis Barclays has stopped offering free Kaspersky Lab products to new users in a move that shows, like Best Buy, commercial firms can be swayed by governmental stances on dealing with the Russian software firm.…

Campaign Storage shuts doors Hierarchical Storage Management and HPC archiving firm Campaign Storage has closed down.…

A power browser for the hobbyists The power user’s browser Vivaldi has come to the Raspberry Pi and other Linux Arm boards.…

Don't pop the champagne yet: Microsoft's still using Intel in same series AMD's return to the server market has won it a place in a top tier cloud: the company today revealed that it has won Microsoft's business for the next generation of Azure's L-series instances.…

And I’ll stay up 500 weeks, and I’ll stay up 3,000 days The near two decade-old story that refuses to lie down aroused interest again at the weekend: folk from Ringaskiddy in rural Ireland complained once more that a nearby Viagra plant was still giving local men and, um, dogs a chubby.…

It'd be more expensive than just buying Bs. Why do this? The United Kingdom is edging ever closer to buying F-35As, instead of the B model needed to fly from the Navy’s new aircraft carriers, as a senior officer once again refused to rule out a future F-35A purchase.…

Claimant: We've beaten Uber twice, prepared to do it again Uber’s request to leapfrog the Court of Appeals and go straight to the UK Supreme Court in its bid to appeal a decision on workers’ rights, has been knocked back.…

Slimline Android Go slurps from the bottom billions Just because you earn a dollar a day shouldn’t mean you're lost to the behavioural advertising industry.…

Civil rights group Liberty has plans on that Comment From the day the UK government unveiled its Investigatory Powers Act two years ago, Liberty warned it that the authoritarian surveillance powers the proposed legislation contained were unlawful.…

Extra funding to grow biz with partner push Sheffield-based replication supplier WANdisco, which was hoping to raise $10m to grow the company yesterday, has raised $22m from its share sale.…

It's the season – love NAND understanding Ho ho ho, blockheads. Winterfest is almost upon us, but you know what is more exciting than four weeks of soulless consumerism? That's right, storage! So here's another roundup of the latest industry titbits. We do spoil you so.…

User group remains concerned as biz promises customer focus After a year marked by major lawsuits on licensing, German ERP giant SAP is making a noise about its new customer-centric approach, perhaps after realising that its litigious image risks driving down customer confidence.…

Note envy First Impressions The Mate is Huawei's phablet range, but Huawei has traditionally taken a different approach from Samsung with its Note. The Note was an upmarket Jag and the Mate was what Americans call a station wagon, and what we call an estate: a dependable, but never fashionable, workhorse.…

YouTube says it'll soon have 10,000, even with machine learning helping out YouTube's revealed it will increase the size of its video-nasty-spotting workforce to ten thousand people.…

I double dare you m*therf*cker, say 'illogical' one more Goddamn time! Entertainment publication Deadline Hollywood has reported that cinematic enfant terrible Quentin Tarantino has pitched an idea for a new Star Trek film.…

Serious storage capacity is coming to tablets, smartmobes ... and beyond Samsung has doubled the size of its largest Universal Flash Storage (eUFS) product to 512 gigabytes and started mass production of the chips.…

Stolen-creds-for-cash site disappears, unmourned Stolen-creds-for-sale site Leakbase has gone dark and started redirecting to Troy Hunt's HaveIBeenPwned.…

Nexus and Pixel owners get their fixes on US Tuesday. The rest of us peasants have to wait Google has teased 47 Android patches for Nexus and Pixel devices.…