SPRINGFIELD, VA-In a decision meant to crack down on the allegedly dangerous substance and the total fucking bitch" who uses it, the acting head of the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration, Derek Maltz, classified red wine as a Schedule I drug Wednesday in order to spite his ex-wife. We have been far too lenient to the [...]The post DEA Classifies Red Wine As Schedule I Drug To Spite Ex-Wife appeared first on The Onion.