Lowering the Bar

"This has been a nightmare for me," said the supervisor responsible for the database.

It's a lot, it's just not the biggest ever.

The panel held that the questions co-workers raised were "not unreasonable" under the circumstances. Related StoriesCourt: “Kill Four People, That's Grounds for Termination”

"Every other day" might also do it. You want it to be believable.Click the icon below to watch. Related StoriesHow to Avoid Jury Duty, #13: Say You Gotta See Your Sugar Daddy Every Day - Enclosure

I don't think the court has the power to grant this one, even if it wanted to.

Given the trouble they're having with Ukraine, I wouldn't be too concerned about this. Related StoriesBill Would Authorize Letter of Marque and Reprisal to Whoever Will Steal Putin's YachtCanadian Vaccine Protesters Are Confused About the Law, Too

In which an opening paragraph is compared to a hagfish.

Strike your flag, Vladimir Vladimirovich, or we'll give ye another broadside! Related StoriesRussian Lawmaker Says He Wants Alaska BackJury to Decide Whether Officers Have Qualified Immunity for Tasing a Guy in the CrotchCanadian Vaccine Protesters Are Confused About the Law, Too

Although there is video making it very likely the defendants will settle, if they have any sense. Related StoriesBill Would Authorize Letter of Marque and Reprisal to Whoever Will Steal Putin's YachtMan Charged With Driving Into House Three Times Explains That His “Foot Slipped”Canadian Vaccine Protesters Are Confused About the Law, Too

At least he didn't claim the truck was defective. Related StoriesJury to Decide Whether Officers Have Qualified Immunity for Tasing a Guy in the Crotch

Not "like other people, they are confused about the law," but "this is one of many things they're confused about." Related StoriesBill Would Authorize Letter of Marque and Reprisal to Whoever Will Steal Putin's YachtJury to Decide Whether Officers Have Qualified Immunity for Tasing a Guy in the Crotch

Not "like other people, they are confused about the law," but "this is one of many things they're confused about." Related StoriesGerman Fined 250,000 Euros for Unlicensed PanzerSupreme Court Holds Cheerleaders Can Swear on SnapchatIn Blatant Power Grab, D.C. Circuit Tells Lawyers to Stop Using Garamond

Either be more creative or run a background check on the person you're going to pretend to be.

Either be more creative or run a background check on the person you're going to pretend to be. Related StoriesUPDATED: Suspect in Assault Case Spends Two Days in TreeBREAKING: Suspect in Assault Case Spends Second Full Day in TreeU.S. Army Special Ops Unit Assaulted by Ninja

Killing even one customer is likely to get you fired. Kill four, no severance payment.

Killing even one customer is likely to get you fired. Kill four, no severance payment. Related StoriesTrain Driver Sues to Recover 49-Cent PenaltyDefinition of Human Butt Debated During Cuomo DepositionMan Says He Can't Come to the Office Because He Gets More Done at Home as Lord Vishnu

In this edition: robot lawyers, good drivers, crypto bros, giant-cockroach arguments, and more.

In this edition: robot lawyers, good drivers, crypto bros, giant-cockroach arguments, and more. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #148Assorted Stupidity #147Assorted Stupidity #145

As discussed herein, the cane was flung to the side, not in someone's direction.

As discussed herein, the cane was flung to the side, not in someone's direction. Related Stories“I'm From Alabama,” Says Judge Explaining Why He Buried $100,000 in His Backyard“No One Can Stop Me,” Says Lawyer About to Be StoppedSanctions Order Against Kraken Lawyers Weighs More Than a Pound

A 19-year legal battle finally comes to an end. Related StoriesTrain Driver Sues to Recover 49-Cent PenaltyPlaintiff Alleges “Heart of the Himalayas” Is in India, Not Pakistan (It's in Nepal)

He also claims there are millions of "similarly situated individuals," which also isn't true. Related StoriesPlaintiff Complains Pop-Tarts Less Healthy Than She ExpectedConsumer Alleged She Wanted Only Water From One Particular Mountain (Which May Not Exist)Plaintiff Alleges “Heart of the Himalayas” Is in India, Not Pakistan (It's in Nepal)

All former alleged witches, that is. Related StoriesHopefully There Will Be No Winners in Lawsuit Against PsychicI Claim This Castle Under Article 61 of the Magna Carta, Says IdiotDead People Still Having Trouble Proving They're Alive

The money itself may not be dirty. Related StoriesMy Client “Had No Non-Lethal Options,” Says Lawyer for Cop Who Shot Wheelchair-Bound Man in the BackCanadian Lawyers Want Person Not in Canada to Go There So They Can Kick Her OutI Claim This Castle Under Article 61 of the Magna Carta, Says Idiot

In this edition: fire still not recommended for pest control, why you should hang on to your gun during a robbery, San Francisco suspends its cannabis business tax, and other things. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #147Assorted Stupidity #145Assorted Stupidity #144

If this were a movie, it'd be dinosaurs instead of tigers, and the board would approve it. Related StoriesCourt Rejects Alleged Iguana-Killer's “Stand Your Ground” DefenseMan Who Wanted “Full-Contact Experience” With Leopard Sues After Getting One

The phrase you were looking for is "no comment." Related Stories“I'm From Alabama,” Says Judge Explaining Why He Buried $100,000 in His BackyardCanadian Lawyers Want Person Not in Canada to Go There So They Can Kick Her OutI Claim This Castle Under Article 61 of the Magna Carta, Says Idiot

This is 1.25 cents for each second his negligence delayed the train's departure. Related StoriesDefinition of Human Butt Debated During Cuomo DepositionMan Says He Can't Come to the Office Because He Gets More Done at Home as Lord Vishnu

The parties ultimately did not agree on an answer to this perennially difficult question. Related StoriesTrain Driver Sues to Recover 49-Cent PenaltyMan Says He Can't Come to the Office Because He Gets More Done at Home as Lord Vishnu

Or, it's somewhere else, if there is any such thing. Related StoriesPlaintiff Alleges “Heart of the Himalayas” Is in India, Not Pakistan (It's in Nepal)Plaintiff Complains Pop-Tarts Less Healthy Than She ExpectedConsumer Alleged She Wanted Only Water From One Particular Mountain (Which May Not Exist)

Surprisingly, there's more wrong with this case than the caption. Related StoriesChavez v. 'Cause Y'all Took My Phones I Don't Know Their Names (S.D.N.Y. 2021)

If you want a joke about "predicting the outcome," you will have to write your own. Related StoriesHopefully There Will Be No Winners in Lawsuit Against PsychicDead People Still Having Trouble Proving They're AliveMan Says He Can't Come to the Office Because He Gets More Done at Home as Lord Vishnu

The standoff lasted about 53 hours. Related StoriesUPDATED: Suspect in Assault Case Spends Two Days in TreeU.S. Army Special Ops Unit Assaulted by NinjaMan Claims to Be Four Kinds of Federal Agent During Single Traffic Stop

She hasn't been able to enter, but the government wants her to visit so she can be properly expelled. Related StoriesCanadian Lawyers Want Person Not in Canada to Go There So They Can Kick Her OutU.S. Army Special Ops Unit Assaulted by Ninja“Nevermind” Cover Baby Sues Nirvana for Showing Him Naked

I guess he did have the advantage of surprise. Related StoriesBREAKING: Suspect in Assault Case Spends Second Full Day in TreeCanadian Lawyers Want Person Not in Canada to Go There So They Can Kick Her Out“Nevermind” Cover Baby Sues Nirvana for Showing Him Naked

"Who are we looking for?" he finally asked.

in what appears to be the only decision to address the use of this ancient term. Related StoriesKraken-Releasing Lawyers Face Tough Questions in Federal Court

If you're using the word "sundry" today, you might as well use that weird S, too. Related StoriesThird Planet v. Crowne Plaza: Infinity War or Endgame?In Blatant Power Grab, D.C. Circuit Tells Lawyers to Stop Using GaramondUnited States v. Five Hundred and Twelve Otters

In this edition: somebody thinks Brady v. Maryland is super-hot, Lenin and Stalin are fighting again, there's a legal battle involving McDonald's ice-cream machines, and more. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #145Assorted Stupidity #144Assorted Stupidity #143

Guess which federal crime he's claiming they committed. Go on, guess. Related Stories“Hint of Lime” Case: It's Not Crunch Berries, But It's CloseMan Says He Can't Come to the Office Because He Gets More Done at Home as Lord VishnuPlaintiff's “Wide-Ranging” Demands: $32 Trillion, Audience With Queen, Swamp Cleaning

He might have evaded the paddleboard, but not the whole flotilla. Related StoriesBarge Captains Caught After What You Might Call “Chases”Houston Water Escape: Another Exception That Proves the Rule?Naked Fugitive Found in Croc-Infested Swamp

If printed on letter-sized paper, just to be clear. Related StoriesLawyer Apologizes for Putting Judge Under SurveillanceKraken-Releasing Lawyers Face Tough Questions in Federal CourtLawyer Who Said Disbarment Would Be “an Honor” Has Finally Been Honored

Will "Article 61 of the Magna Carta" be the right answer this time? I wonder! Related StoriesYour Honor, I Direct You to Article 61 of the Magna CartaCourt Rejects Alleged Iguana-Killer's “Stand Your Ground” DefenseMan Claims to Be Four Kinds of Federal Agent During Single Traffic Stop

He will also have to sell the Panzer, his 88mm anti-aircraft gun, and various other Nazi knickknacks. Related StoriesCourt Rules Bread Does Not Meet Definition of Bread

"You are not known as deceased," said the IRS, but she also was not known as alive. Related StoriesMan Says He Can't Come to the Office Because He Gets More Done at Home as Lord VishnuStruck by Turtle, Initial EncounterCan You Sue a Dead Person?

In this edition: how not to make a great impression on the jury, more sovereign-citizen nonsense, a ruling involving the outer continental shelf, and some human-hamster-wheel advice. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #145Assorted Stupidity #144Assorted Stupidity #143