The Daily WTF

Radio WTF Presents!Jump to transcriptWelcome back to Radio WTF. This week, we learn of the power of confidence.Soundcloud Links:Radio WTF: ConfidenceDirect Download:DownloadStarring (in order of appearance)Remy Porter... as Kyle

A couple weeks back, I posted the Free Mug Day campaign: run through the quick BuildMaster tutorial, and I'll send you a free mug. Today, I have a slightly different offer: meet me at InedoCon (Portland, May 22/23) as a TDWTF delegate, and let's chat software over scotch!Why Portland? As part of the mug campaign, I asked everyone to share their feedback/comments/advice, and I got lots of suggestions on how we can improve the software itself. That was great, and then I saw this:

If you ask an engineer whether it's safe to cross a bridge, he'll happily walk you through how safe bridges are, how the mathematics work out, how far we've come in structural safety. You'll come away from the conversation feeling confident that no bridge will ever collapse anywhere on the face of the Earth. If you ask a software engineer about banks, however, you'll likely come away terrified, with a 50/50 chance you're now convinced to put all your money in bitcoin. Banks are notorious for bad software decisions—not so much because the decisions are worse, but because most people assume banks are more careful and security-minded.Today's submitter, Kato, worked at Inibank, where they used a commercial product called T24 as the core of their banking system. T24 is used by hundreds of banks worldwide. It's customizable for a wide range of banking solutions, and so like most large customizable suites, there are programmers that specialize in writing custom code for it and consultants that will hold your hand through major upgrades.Inibank brought in a consultant to take on a special project while their resources were busy. At the end of the business day, there is a Close Of Business process that has to be done to ensure all the money gets where it's going, all the appropriate outputs are recalculated, and all the relevant reports are run. In banks, this also changes the system's date to the next working day—which is why if you do online banking on a Sunday, none of it begins to process until Monday morning. The consultant was meant to create a new report that would run during the Close Of Business process, which would do extra processing if it were also the End of Month.Kato sat down with the new guy, showing him how they'd set up their end of day reports. "You see here, there's a global for the last working day, one for today, and one for the next working day. Those are YYMMDD, so they're easier to work with.""Right, right okay, gotcha. Gotcha. And what format is that?""... I don't know the standard off the top of my head, but it's year, month, day.""Right, right, okay. Cool. I'll get right to work, then."Kato walked away from the conversation with a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, but he tried to ignore it. The consultant said he was all set up and ready. Surely he knew what he was doing, right? Kato put it out of his mind, and didn't worry about it again until it came time to review the code, and he found this gem:

Many moons ago, when PCs came housed within heavy cases of metal and plastic, Matt Q. and his colleague were assigned to evaluate a software package for an upcoming sales venture. Unfortunately, he and the colleague worked in different offices within the same metro area. As this was an age bereft of effective online collaboration tools, Matt had to travel regularly to the other office, carrying his PC with him. Each time, that meant unscrewing and unhooking the customary 473 peripheral cables from the back of the box, schlepping it through the halls and down the stairs, and catching the bus to reach the other office, where he got to do all those things again in reverse order. When poor scheduling forced the pair to work on the weekend, they hauled their work boxes between apartments as well.As their work proceeded, Matt reached the limits of what his 20 MB hard drive could offer. From his home office, Matt filed a support ticket with IT. The technician assigned to his ticket—Gary—arrived at Matt's cubicle some time later, brandishing a new hard drive and a screwdriver. Gary shooed Matt away for more coffee to better focus on his patient. One minor surgery later, Matt's PC was back up and running with a bigger hard drive.One day ahead of the project deadline, Matt was nearly done with his share of the work. He just had a few tweaks to make to his reports before copying them to the floppy disks needed by the sales team. Having hooked his PC back up within his cubicle, he switched it on—only to be greeted with a literal bang. The PC was dead and would not start.After a panicked call to IT, Gary eventually reappeared at his desk with a screwdriver. Upon cracking open the PC case, he immediately cried, "Wait a minute! Have you been carting this PC around?"Matt frowned. "Er, yes. Is that a problem?""I'll say! You weren't supposed to do that!" Gary scolded. "The hard drive's come loose and shorted out the workings!"Matt darted over to Gary's side so he could see the computer's innards for himself. It didn't take long at all to notice that the new hard drive had been "secured" into place using Scotch tape."Hang on! I daresay you weren't supposed to do that!" Matt pointed to the offending tape. "Shall I check with your manager to be on the safe side?"Gary's face crumpled. "I don't have access to the proper mountings!""Then find someone who does!"Armed with his looming deadline and boss' approval, Matt escalated his support ticket even higher. It didn't take long at all for genuine mounting brackets to replace the tape. He never learned why IT techs were being deprived of necessary hardware; he assumed it was some fool's idea of a brilliant cost-cutting measure. He had to wonder how many desperate improvisations held their IT infrastructure together, and how much longer they would've gone unnoticed if it hadn't been for his PC-toting ways. [Advertisement] Forget logs. Next time you're struggling to replicate error, crash and performance issues in your apps - Think Raygun! Installs in minutes. Learn more.

People like hot dogs until they see how it's made. Most people don't ask, because they don't want to know and keep eating hot dogs. In software, sometimes we have to ask. It's not just about solving problems, but because what scares some programmers is the knowledge that their car's software might be little more than the equivalent of driving duct-taped toothpicks down the highway at 70MPH. Our entire field is bad at what we do.Brett worked as a system analyst for a medical research institution, MedStitute. MedStitute used proprietary software for data storage and analysis, called MedTech. Doctors and researchers like MedTech's results, but Brett his co-worker Tyree- know how it's made.The software has no backend access, and all software development happens in a "click-to-program" GUI. The GUI looks like it was built from someone who learned to code by copy/pasting from 1990s era websites, watching ten minutes of Jurassic Park, and searching StackOverflow until something compiled. The "language" shows the same careful design philosophy. Every if must have an else. Some modules use booleans, some return an empty string to represent false values. Documentation is unclear about which situation is which. Essentially, every if statement becomes three statements.Brett needed to launch a new study. A study depends on some basic set of statistics and groups patients based on a randomized variable. Brett looked through the list of variables he could randomize on, and the one he wanted was missing. Brett assumed he made a mistake, and went back a few screens to check the name, copying it down for reference. He went back to the list of randomizable variables. It wasn't there. He looked closer at the list. He noticed that the list of randomized variables only included data from multiple-choice fields. The field he wanted to randomize on was based on a calculated field.Brett knew that Tyree had worked on another project that randomized on a calculated field, so he messaged Tyree on Slack. "How did you code this random variable? In Medtech it won't let you?""I'm on a conference call, let me call you afterward," Tyree wrote.A few minutes later, Tyree called Brett."What you have to do is start with two fields. Let's call it $variable_choice, that's a multiple choice question, and $variable_calced that's your calculated field. When you want to create a variable that randomly selects based on your calculated field, you start by telling Medtech that this random variable is based on $variable_choice. Then you delete $variable_choice, and then rename $variable_calced to be $variable_choice.""Wait, they allow you to do that, but don't allow you to randomize calculated fields any other way? And they don't check?""Hopefully, they don't decide to start checking before this project is over," Tyree said."This study is supposed to go on for ten years. This project succeeding comes down to them never treating this workaround as a bug?""It was the only solution I could find. Let me know if you need anything else?"Brett wasn't completely satisfied with the hack and went back to the documentation. He found a "better" solution: he could make a read-only multiple-choice field with only one choice, the value of the calculated field, as the default answer. Unfortunately, it was possible that the user would alter the list unintentionally by answering the multiple-choice question before the calculated field was evaluated.Ultimately, the only choice left to Brett was to take his lunch break, go to the cafeteria, and order two hot dogs. [Advertisement] Utilize BuildMaster to release your software with confidence, at the pace your business demands. Download today!

Long time, no mug! It's been an insanely long time since we've held a Free TDWTF Mug Day. So long that I'm sure most of you have forgotten the joy that is free mug day. Here's how it works:I've been pretty excited about BuildMaster 6.1, in part because it returns the product to my original vision of helping developers focus on writing great software instead of worrying about how to build, test, and deploy it from source code to production. Or, CI/CD as we'd call it today.I'd love to get your feedback on the release, and perhaps ideas on how I can work to improve the product. If you'd be willing to help me, I'll send you one of these beautiful, oversized TDWTF mugs, as modeled by Jawaad M:To get one, all you have to do is either download/install BuildMaster or spin up our pre-made virtual machine(AMI) image, then run through this quick configuration and fill out this form with your name, address, etc. It should take all of 15 minutes or so to complete.Everything's free, and there's no credit card needed, or anything like that. In fact, you can keep using BuildMaster for free if you'd like -- there's no server, application, or even user limit.This offer expires on March 31, 2019, and supply is limited to 250, so sign up soon! To get started, just follow this link and, in a few weeks time, you'll not only be more knowledgeable about BuildMaster, but you'll be enjoying beverages much more fashionably with these nice, hefty The Daily WTF mugs. [Advertisement] BuildMaster allows you to create a self-service release management platform that allows different teams to manage their applications. Explore how!

Carl C spent some time in the late 1980's at a software firm that developed avionics and global positioning systems for military and civilian customers. In their employ, he frequently visited Schlockdeed Corp, a customer with a contract to develop a new generation of jet fighters for the US military. Due to the top secret nature of their work, security was a big deal there.Whenever Carl entered or left the facility, he had to pass through the security office to get clearance. They would thoroughly inspect his briefcase, jacket, lunchbox, and just about everything short of a full cavity search. Despite the meticulous nature of daily inspections at Schlockdeed, some of their "security measures" bordered on the absurd.During this era of Sneakernet-type transfers of information, it wasn't uncommon for a programmer to take a box full of floppy disks to and from work every day. Schlockdeed had a rather lax policy regarding disk transportation even though it would be a super easy way to steal their secrets. Subcontractors like Carl would be issued a "media pass" after passing the initial background check to work with Schlockdeed. It was a card that allowed them to carry any number of floppy disks in and out of the building without question.Carl's tenure was uneventful until he decided to bring his beloved HP-41CX calculator to the office. They were working on some complex algorithms and drawing up equations on a chalkboard was taking too long, so Carl hoped to speed up the process. During his morning inspection, Bill the security guy pulled out the HP-41CX and immediately had a concerned look come over his face.Bill reached for the radio on his shoulder, "Paulie, we're going to need you. We have a situation." Carl became extremely confused. Had the 41CX been known to be used in bombs? Was it April Fool's Day? "Sir, we need to send you to our CIO for secondary inspection. Right this way," Bill motioned.Carl's face flushed as he wondered what kind of trouble he was in, especially since "trouble" could quickly escalate to handcuffs and holding cells. He also wondered why a Chief Information Officer would be doing secondary security inspections. Bill led him to Paulie's office, which housed a portly man with a sweet 80's mustache. The nameplate on his desk identified him as the Calculator Inspection Officer."I'm gonna need to see yer adding machine there, buddy," Paulie said, holding his hand out. Bill placed the HP-41CX in his palm. He gave it a closer look and grunted, "I'll have to confiscate this from you. It's got internal memory in it, y'see, so you could potentially use it to sneak secrets out. You can have it back at the end of the day, but don't let me ever catch you bringing this here again!" Bill led a calculator-less Carl back to the main security office.On the way, Bill explained how programmable calculators were strictly forbidden in the facility. Paulie was in charge of enforcing this policy and took his job very seriously. If Carl wanted to bring a calculator, it would have to be a very basic model. Once Paulie approved it, an "AC" (Approved Calculator) sticker would be placed on the back to allow its entry. Feeling discouraged without his HP-41CX, Carl resigned himself to inhaling chalk dust for the rest of his time at Schlockdeed. At least he had a media pass, so he could still freely take floppy disks in and out of the facility. [Advertisement] BuildMaster allows you to create a self-service release management platform that allows different teams to manage their applications. Explore how!

We've all had cow-orker'swhocouldn'tdotheirjobs. Some people have even had the privilege of working with Paula.Jarad should be so lucky.He worked at Initech in a small development group, building a Windows client tool that customers used to interface with their server. One day, they decided to port the app from .NET to Java. The powers-that-be recommended a highly regarded Lead Java Developer, Kiesha, from Intelligenuity, to lead the project. "Don't worry," they said, "Intelligenuity only employs the most brillant programmers."At the first group stand up meeting of the project, their manager announced that they would use Eclipse for the Java project. Kiesha posited "I don't have Eclipse. Could someone please send it to me?" So Jarad sent her the link. At the next stand up, he followed up to ask if she had gotten Eclipse installed. She said "I was blocked because she had been unable to download it, so I waited for the next meeting to ask for help." Their manager jumped on her machine and solved her problem by clicking on the download link for her.Fast forward to the next meeting and she said that she was still unable to proceed because "Eclipse was having some problem with 'JDK' and could someone please send me that?" Jarad sent her that link too. Several days later at the next meeting, she said "Eclipse isn't working because it needs a 'jar' file, so could someone please send one to me?" And after that, "Could someone please send me sample code for doing classes because Eclipse kept saying NullPointerException".Finally the manager changed the meeting structure. They would continue their usual standups for the Windows client, but they would add a separate dedicated meeting with just Kiesha. Eventually, they found out that she and her husband were buddies with a highly placed C** executive and his wife. The separate meeting was to "guarantee that she's successful," which meant their manager was writing the code for her.One day, Kiesha told the manager that a customer was having a critical problem with the web portal, and that it was of the utmost importance that they have a meeting with the customer as soon as possible to help resolve the issue.Their manager set up a meeting with the customer, himself, Kiesha, Jarad, and the project manager to solve it once and for all. The day of the meeting, the customer was surprised at how many support people and managers showed up. The customer explained. "The, um… 'portal problem' is that we asked Kiesha for the URL of the web portal? This could have been an email." Sometimes, there is justice in this world, as Kiesha finally lost her job. [Advertisement] BuildMaster allows you to create a self-service release management platform that allows different teams to manage their applications. Explore how!

It was March 2016, and Ian was in need of a job. Fairly early into his search, he was lucky to find a tiny startup in need of someone with Python architecture and design skills. By "tiny," we mean that there were only three other developers working for Jack, the founder.Ian interviewed with Jack directly. After a technical test, he learned more about the company's pet project: a nearly-finished prototype of an iOS app. Once a user synced their phone with a wrist-worn heart rate monitor, the phone would play appropriate music for whatever the user was doing. It was primarily intended to help users reach a target heart rate while exercising. The app also used the phone's accelerometers to track the user's pace as they moved around, data that Jack claimed would be valuable for research into Parkinson's disease. He even had scientific papers from top universities to back up the claim. The prototype application, in its current state, wouldn't scale. Thus, Jack needed Ian to design a new backend system to store data and handle requests.Jack was friendly and personable, and his enthusiasm was contagious. Ian accepted on the spot, and started the next day. His office was cramped, but it was his. He got to work designing the requested backend.Two weeks passed. Then, early on a groggy Monday morning, Jack breathlessly pulled his dev team into a meeting room. The bright light beaming from his Powerpoint presentation drilled into everyone's retinas."I've been doing a lot of thinking," Jack prefaced. "We're a brand new startup. Nobody knows about us, right? We gotta do something to build up name recognition. So, here: we're gonna scrap the music part of the app, and focus solely on data collection."Ian stifled his instinctual What?! Not only were two weeks of work down the drain, but the data collection part of the app was an entirely optional feature at present.Jack flipped to a slide that showed the metrics he was now interested in tracking for each user. There were so many that the tiniest of fonts had been used to fit them all in. Ian squinted to read them."If you build a big enough haystack, a needle will appear!" Jack said. "We'll make the app free so it's a totally opt-in experience. The data we collect is the real prize."Investment capital was spent on posh downtown office space; for free app developers, only the very best would do. Jack also hired a second iOS developer, a data scientist, and an intern."But don't give the intern anything important to do," Jack told the full-timers.Once Ian settled into his new digs, he began architecting a new system that would somehow capture all the required data.Three months later, Jack threw it out. "No apps! We need a new direction!"Jack's new vision was a website where people would sit down and input what songs they listened to when sleeping, exercising, and performing other activities."People love to talk about themselves," Jack said. "They don't need to be paid to give us their data!"A frontend dev was hired to build the website. Soon after it went live, Jack bragged to investors that the website had hit 1 million unique visitors. In reality, the site had handled around 300 submissions, half of which had come from a single person.Three months later, guess what happened? Jack scrapped the faltering website in favor of a Slack bot that would respond to "Play ${song} by ${artist}" by looking it up on Spotify and providing a link. The Spotify widget would play a 30-second preview, or—if the user were logged in with a Spotify Premium account—play the whole song."That's it? How's that going to make any money?" By this point, the developers were no longer holding back their objections."We'll charge a subscription fee," Jack answered, undaunted."For a chat bot?" Ian challenged. "You already need Spotify Premium for this thing to fully work. If we want people to pay more money on top of that, we have to provide more features!""That's something we can figure out later," Jack said.Jack had the intern develop the company's new flagship product, going against the wishes of Jack from six months earlier. The intern gave it his best shot, but soon had to return to school; the unfinished code was unceremoniously tossed into the frontend developer's lap. With help from one of the iOS developers, he finished it off. And what was Ian up to? Setting up monitoring dashboards and logging at Jack's insistence that they'd attract enough users to justify it.Three more months passed. A number of "features" were added, such as the bot nagging users in the Slack channel to use it. As this behavior violated the Slack TOS, they were prevented from putting their app in the app store; Jack had to hand out links to a manual install to interested parties. The product was first given to 50 "super-friendly" companies Jack knew personally, of which only a handful installed it and even fewer kept using it after the first day. Jack then extended his offering to 300 "friendly" companies, with similar results.Ian's breaking point came when Jack insisted he pull overtime, even though there was no way he could help the other developers with their tasks. Nevertheless, Jack insisted Ian stay late with them to "show solidarity." Finally at his wit's end, Ian put in his two weeks. His final day coincided with the general release of the Slack bot, during which he watched a lot of very flat lines on dashboards. When he left the posh office for the last time, the startup still had yet to earn its first cent.Fortunately, Jack had a plan. After Ian left, he scrapped everything to start on fresh on a new product. No, it wouldn't make any money, but they needed name recognition first. [Advertisement] Forget logs. Next time you're struggling to replicate error, crash and performance issues in your apps - Think Raygun! Installs in minutes. Learn more.