The Onion

ATMORE, AL-In an effort to make capital punishment more cost-efficient, a cash-strapped Alabama Department of Corrections confirmed Friday it had carried out the nation's first execution by lawn mower. As of last night, the state has successfully executed a convict by running him over repeatedly with a gas-powered...Read more...

GREENVILLE, NC-Telling viewers of his latest charitable video to prepare themselves for his most epic challenge yet," 25-year-old influencer Jimmy MrBeast" Donaldson announced Friday that he had resurrected everyone buried at Arlington National Cemetery. You might not know this, but sadly, over 400,000 of our...Read more...

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An increasing number of people advocate being open about salaries as a way to fix pay iniquities and encourage employees to ask for more compensation, but there are many cultural and professional taboos around the practice. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of salary transparency.Read more...

HILLSBOROUGH, NC-Running over after they saw a man screaming at their children, a group of local parents reportedly stepped in Thursday to confront an overprotective parent who was overreacting to their kids pelting his son with rocks. Classic helicopter parenting, going absolutely ballistic over every little rock...Read more...

LONDON-Scuttling through passageways deep beneath Buckingham Palace, King Charles III reportedly fertilized a clutch of royal eggs Thursday. According to sources, Charles maneuvered through the damp, dark corridors on all four of his limbs, pausing occasionally to click together his fangs and eventually stopping...Read more...

NEW YORK-Following his effort earlier this week to solicit thoughts from social media followers about their mental health, sources confirmed Thursday that fur had been falling off Elmo in clumps ever since the Sesame Street star asked Twitter users how they were doing. Elmo make big mistake," said the visibly shaking...Read more...

As the coronavirus pandemic continues to cause widespread disruptions, many have noticed that the country's stock market and economic situation, which would ostensibly reflect each other, seem to reflect entirely different situations. The Onion looks at the differences between the stock market and the economy.Read more...

KEY WEST, FL-Locking eyes upon realizing they were both cut from the same cloth, local man with a cockatiel on his shoulder Alex Maser reportedly gave a knowing nod Thursday to resident Thomas Beltran, who sported an iguana on his shoulder. Several reports indicated that Maser, accompanied by his cockatiel Roxy,...Read more...

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WASHINGTON-During a congressional hearing Wednesday aimed at holding tech companies accountable for children's safety online, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg gave testimony in which he assured concerned parents that he was keeping a very close, personal eye on teen accounts. I personally spend most days and nights in front...Read more...

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FARGO, ND-Appearing baffled by the transparency of the fluid discharged from the machine, area man Luke Chambers was said to have looked on helplessly Wednesday as a soda fountain at a local Hardee's began filling his 32-ounce cup with a cascade of clear liquid. Wait, that's not Pepsi-where's did the Pepsi go?" said...Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO-In an astounding medical breakthrough for the brain microchip company, Neuralink researchers confirmed Wednesday that the first brain implant recipient had successfully performed depraved sexual acts on Elon Musk. Although the patient is still recovering from the procedure, they are doing well and have...Read more...

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Several high-profile stars have recently been victims of sexually explicit deepfakes, which have caused a fierce backlash among fans. The Onion asked celebrities how they felt about lewd, AI-generated images, and this is what they said.Read more...

NEW YORK-In a sign of the dramatic shifts in broadcasting over the past several decades, a report released Wednesday by the New York University Department of Media found that it sure has been a while since someone killed themselves on live TV. Yeah, it just seems like it's been years since a disgruntled politician...Read more...

HAGERSTOWN, MD-Attempting between swigs of whiskey to have a frank discussion with their friend about his need to get help for his drinking problem, the loved ones staging an intervention for local alcoholic Eric Garziano were also drunk, sources reported Wednesday. Just hear us out, buddy, 'cause you gotta, like,...Read more...

WASHINGTON-A new poll released Wednesday by the Pew Research Center offered a rare glimpse into the psychology of those who will decide the 2024 presidential election, finding that for the average voter, it couldn't hurt if they woke up to Donald Trump or Joe Biden making them a big stack of pancakes. I'm not saying...Read more...

After an Alabama man was put to death with nitrogen gas in what was described as a lengthy and agonizing execution, many have criticized this method of capital punishment as inhumane. Others, however, think the procedure is in line with what convicted killers deserve. The Onion asked Americans why they think nitrogen...Read more...

Panera's Charged Lemonade is alleged to have three times as much caffeine as a Red Bull and to have caused severe physical damage or even death. The Onion explains what happens to the human body after consuming a 30-ounce beverage that, according to lawsuits, contains a whopping 390 mg of caffeine.Read more...

NEW YORK-Shocked and frustrated by the sudden revelation, local man Anton Pierson told reporters Tuesday that he wished his wife, Marcy Pierson, had been more honest when they were dating about wanting family portraits. We've been together for years, and she never brought it up once-and now she's telling me she wants...Read more...

SOUTH PORTLAND, ME-Drawing audible gasps of awe as the 51-year-old emerged from the kitchen bathed in light from the back of house, excited Chili's customers were reportedly treated Tuesday to a glimpse of the restaurant's almighty shift manager. Oh my God, that's him! That's him! Nobody stare too long!" said...Read more...

HARPERS FERRY, WV-Emphasizing that he had seen you whilst on horseback and was most taken with your dazzling beauty, sources confirmed Tuesday that the honorable Colonel Westwood of the 10th Brigade would like to take you as his bride. The Colonel, with all due respect to the man of the household, would be the utmost...Read more...

PALM BEACH, FL-Terrified by the prospect that the former president could go away forever if he didn't pay, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly helped their father raise $83.3 million Monday by asking their dad for money. Wait, I know where we can get some cash-we can ask Dad!" said Donald Jr., the oldest of...Read more...

PARIS-Backing away slowly in fear at the unanticipated response to their public demonstration, climate protesters reportedly grew visibly terrified Monday as the Mona Lisa extended a big, wet tongue and started licking up the soup. Yum, yum, yum, me happy for soup," said the iconic Renaissance masterpiece,...Read more...

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CONCORD, NC-Saying he needed to do something before his life fully spiraled out of control, local 15-year-old Noah Watkins confirmed Monday that he had decided to take a break from alcohol and do Dry January. It was a tough decision, but ultimately, I need to give up drinking for a month if I want to even make it to...Read more...

Americans love to express themselves or commemorate their dumb little lives with ink on skin. The Onion examines the most common tattoo in every state.Read more...

SEATTLE-Pinging his former classmates with text notifications at all hours of the day and night, unemployed friend Jeff Rauwerda has really been blowing up his college group chat lately, sources told reporters Monday. Out of nowhere, he's suddenly sending us all these random links and memes and articles-it's kind of...Read more...

MILWAUKEE, WI-Applauding the astute businessperson for seizing upon the market opportunity, sources confirmed Monday that a shrewd entrepreneur had opened a burrito place in the former site of a failed burrito place. Well, it seems some enterprising go-getter saw that empty storefront where Taqueria Cinco de Mayo...Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO-Making assertions that could not immediately be verified, artificial intelligence system ChatGPT wouldn't stop claiming that its aunt was pop star Britney Spears, sources confirmed Monday. I've been to her mansion in Los Angeles, like, a hundred times, and she sends me a card on my birthday every year,"...Read more...

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CHICAGO-Utilizing her extensive knowledge of the contents of both the refrigerator and pantry, local woman Victoria Savini was running her husband Christopher Savini through a list of ideas of things he could have for a snack, sources confirmed Friday. Crackers? An apple? Toast? Do you want toast?" said Savini who,...Read more...

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WASHINGTON-Following a tip from the White House IT department, Vice President Kamala Harris was reportedly reprimanded this week for playing The Sims 4 on her work computer. What the hell is that-is that supposed to be a model White House?" said an irate Jeff Zients, the chief of staff shaking his head in disgust as...Read more...

The ick," a term popularized by Generation Z, refers to a feeling of revulsion that suddenly develops toward a romantic interest. The Onion asked men to try to guess what makes women feel this way, and this is what they said.Read more...

PETERBOROUGH, NH-Clearing their throats as they hovered over you from behind, the nation's quiet weirdos confirmed Thursday that they had seen you reading from afar. I couldn't help but notice you sitting here, engrossed in a fine volume of fiction," said Sebastian Moore, a pale 22-year-old and one of several hundred...Read more...

WASHINGTON-Saying the country's entire adult population would automatically be entered for a chance to win, officials at the U.S. Census Bureau announced Thursday that one lucky American would get to be 16 years old again. Starting tomorrow, one U.S. resident will be given the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to exit...Read more...

I mean, it's a frickin' houseboat, what more do you need to know? You're going to blow people's minds when you tell them you live on a boat like some modern-day John D. MacDonald character. Just don't let them see it, however. It's kind of a piece of shit.Read more...

WASHINGTON-Stating that it was as easy to prepare 330 million helpings as one, President Joe Biden announced Thursday that he was reheating chili if anyone was interested. I'm going to pop some chili into the microwave in a minute or so if anyone wants some," said Biden, who raised his eyebrows as he gestured...Read more...