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The Onion
| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-05-06 07:49 |
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on (#6JV8Q)
SAN ANTONIO-As they took turns trying to jump up and tap it out, the San Antonio Spurs confirmed Friday that Victor Wembanyama's head had gotten lodged between the rim and backboard again. It's really wedged in there good-hey, can I borrow that?" Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich said to a nearby custodian, before...Read more...
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on (#6JV8R)
The number of migrants seeking to cross the U.S.-Mexico border has divided Congress and communities alike, leaving no clear path forward on immigration. But as a largely Christian nation, it's reasonable that Americans should turn to the ultimate moral authority to solve this issue: Jesus Christ. Here's how Jesus...Read more...
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on (#6JV8T)
MESA, AZ-Noting how fun it was to push his creativity to the next level, local man James Shafley told reporters Friday that trying to make a meal from a bag of groceries he had recently stolen was like a real-life version of the television show Chopped. It's amazing-I've got all these completely random ingredients I...Read more...
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on (#6JV8S)
NEW YORK-Touting the new product as a transformative approach to skincare," luxury cosmetics manufacturer Lancome announced Friday the release of a full-body moisturizing chrysalis, now available at select retailers. This beautiful chitin structure is filled with 80 gallons of our patented moisturizing enzymes,...Read more...
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on (#6JV8V)
PARIS-With a minaret protruding from atop the former Catholic cathedral as the repairs that followed a 2019 fire neared an end, the removal of scaffolding around Notre Dame revealed Friday that it had accidentally been rebuilt as a mosque. Well, shit," contractor Mathieu Renaud told reporters, explaining that he had...Read more...
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on (#6JV6M)
BROOKFIELD, WI-In its annual study of consumer preferences for mortuary arrangements, the National Funeral Directors Association reported Friday that more Americans were opting to have their decapitated heads placed under a silver cloche after death. While still not as popular as cremation or casket burials, the...Read more...
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on (#6JTQF)
Beyonce's debut country song Texas Hold Em' reached No. 1 on Billboard's Hot Country Songs chart, making her only the second woman to do so as a solo artist and the first Black female artist to hold the top spot. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JTQG)
WASHINGTON-As part of an effort to ensure the benefits were only allocated to those in true need," a new federal law went into effect Thursday requiring all Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program recipients to balance food on their nose until they receive the command to eat it. There's no reason why working-age,...Read more...
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on (#6JTQH)
The Supreme Court of Alabama, a state which already does not allow for abortion under any circumstances, recently ruled that frozen embryos in test tubes are considered children, a decision that has made the process of in vitro fertilization possibly illegal in the state and has caused some practices to stop offering...Read more...
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on (#6JTN3)
Debate among scientists has risen in recent years about whether we live in a simulation, but what does that even mean, and what would be the consequences if we did? The Onion answers common questions about whether we live in a simulation.Read more...
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on (#6JTN4)
Microplastics were recently found in human blood for the first time, leading to questions about what they are and how they could affect people's health. The Onion answers common questions about microplastics.Read more...
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on (#6JTN5)
PARK CITY, UT-Noting that she did not want her parents' fame to distract from her Sundance premiere, industry sources confirmed Thursday that emerging filmmaker Malia Obama had changed her surname to Scorsese.' Although her legal name is still Obama, Malia is officially promoting her short film The Heart under the...Read more...
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on (#6JTN6)
Despite both the Supreme Court and the Biden administration ordering the removal of razor wire along the U.S.-Mexico border, Texas Gov. Greg Abbott has pledged to continue installing it. The Onion asked Texans why they support the controversial deterrent, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6JTE9)
KENT, WA-After seven years of what it described as painstaking research and development, Blue Origin unveiled Thursday an $8 billion barrel it had built for Jeff Bezos to ride over Niagara Falls. Ever since Mr. Bezos was a boy, he has dreamt about soaring 188 feet down through the air in a barrel, and we're proud to...Read more...
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on (#6JT99)
In order to procure wealth, success, and fame, many celebrities choose to commit the ultimate sin and sell their soul to the devil. The Onion regrets to inform its readers that the following members of the Hollywood elite are secretly being controlled by Satan.Read more...
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on (#6JT9A)
A man in Deschutes County, OR is being treated for a strain of the bubonic plague that he contracted from his pet cat, which succumbed to the disease after hunting rats in an area where the ailment is endemic to the rodent population. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JT9B)
CHICAGO-In what many described as the ghostly remnants of an internet that died long ago, a tattered banner ad was reportedly all that remained Thursday hanging over long-abandoned website MovieFacts.com. It's just so sad, in its heyday, this website used to be a bustling e-commerce hub that people would visit from...Read more...
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on (#6JT9C)
ANAHEIM, CA-Hearing a sigh as the car turned into the crowded parking lot of the Australian-themed chain restaurant, sources confirmed Thursday that local mom Dana Oliver only liked the other Outback Steakhouse, the one over by the Starbucks. I just don't see why we can't drive the extra 10 minutes to the one in...Read more...
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on (#6JT9D)
WASHINGTON-Clapping with delight while attempting to catch the thin, floating film of cleaning liquid, President Joe Biden chased a soap bubble across the nation Thursday, Beltway sources confirmed. Come back, Mr. Bubble!" said the commander in chief, who reportedly gave chase to the bubble after spotting it...Read more...
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on (#6JSS9)
Sam Mendes announced that he is directing four separate feature-length biopics about the Beatles, with each being told through the eyes of a different band member, set to be released at once in 2027. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JSP8)
Birth control is used by over half of women in the U.S., yet there are many misconceptions surrounding it. The Onion looks at common myths and facts of birth control.Read more...
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on (#6JSP9)
The global sneaker market has exploded in the past several years to about $70 billion annually, but it can be hard for those looking to develop a sneaker collection of their own to know where to start. The Onion offers tips for starting a sneaker collection.Read more...
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on (#6JSDE)
AMES, IA-Stressing that he had thought the trainer would help him increase his level of physical activity, local man Greg Paloma admitted to reporters Wednesday that there were dirty clothes hanging all over his barely used Peloton instructor. At first I tried to exercise almost every day, but now Jeff, my Peloton...Read more...
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on (#6JSD1)
Rather than getting on a treadmill or going for a run, one way to get a good workout in is to take off your clothes and rub your genitals against someone else's naked body. The following are the best ways to burn calories while having sexual intercourse.Read more...
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on (#6JSBQ)
PALM BEACH, FL-Urging his supporters to act now before it was too late, Donald Trump's 2024 presidential campaign reportedly sent a new fundraising email Wednesday claiming that the candidate needed $5 for the bus to New Jersey so that he could see his ailing mother. I am so sorry to bother you, but my mother is...Read more...
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on (#6JSBR)
BOSTON-Calling the routine a nice way of blowing off steam and building connections with each other, staff at the new American bistro Bad Wolf told reporters this week that they had a fun after-work ritual where they all enabled each other's alcoholism. Yeah, it's great after a killer Friday shift to just head...Read more...
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on (#6JSBS)
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA-Noting how difficult it was to endure the strict, no-frills program while foraging their own food, a new study published Wednesday by the University of Virginia found that cavemen had trouble sticking to the paleo diet without frozen meal kits. For early human ancestors, it was a real challenge to...Read more...
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on (#6JSBT)
TRUSSVILLE, AL-Saying the state could pry his reproductive organs from his cold, dead hands, local conservative Sean Weiss worried aloud Wednesday about the government coming to take his hard-earned genitals. I've worked my entire life to get these gonads between my legs, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let the...Read more...
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on (#6JRWQ)
DETROIT-Drawing ire from the costumed fandom at the item's price and political implications, former president Donald Trump was reportedly booed Tuesday at a local furry convention while hawking his new $399 Never Surrender Trump Tail. Folks, this is a tremendous tail, really tremendous-perfect for bringing your...Read more...
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on (#6JRWR)
MONTGOMERY, AL-In a case aimed at preserving what plaintiffs described as the sanctity of reheatable Tex-Mex fare, Alabama's Supreme Court issued a ruling Tuesday in which it asserted that frozen burritos are children. With this decision, the court finds that frozen burritos-be they beef, bean and cheese, chicken, or...Read more...
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on (#6JRW3)
LOS ANGELES-Wondering aloud why people seemed to be so obsessed with her involvement in the Sony Pictures-produced Marvel spinoff, actress Dakota Johnson told reporters Tuesday that she hoped she wouldn't get any Madame Web questions at a Madame Web press event. I don't get it-just because I starred in a...Read more...
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on (#6JRKT)
Rather than using details from their own worthless, pathetic lives, more and more users are opting to use ChatGPT to fill out their Tinder bios. See if you can guess which of these bios were written by humans and which by AI.Read more...
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on (#6JRHN)
NEW ORLEANS-Shifting in his chair as the server hovered over the table waiting to take his order, local man Mitch Frahm reportedly made a last-second decision Tuesday to point to the item he wanted to avoid mispronouncing number 47." Sorry, this is so embarrassing, but I don't know how to say the name of this dish,"...Read more...
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on (#6JRHP)
WASHINGTON-Expressing astonishment that such an act of techno-terrorism didn't come to fruition years ago, Americans across the country told reporters Tuesday they were surprised the U.S. power grid hadn't already been shut down by a hacker named Cyber Wolf. You'd really think that by the year 2024, we would've...Read more...
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on (#6JRHQ)
PEORIA, IL-Shaking his head as he spotted the flashing red and blue lights in his rearview mirror, local evangelical Christian man Joshua Weller was reportedly persecuted Tuesday simply for driving 90 miles per hour in a school zone. Looks like someone spotted the Jesus fish on my back windshield," said Weller, who...Read more...
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on (#6JQWN)
Red-pilled individuals claim they have awakened to the truth that no-fault divorce, spousal support, custody laws, and many other things associated with marriage are biased against men. The Onion asked red-pilled Americans to explain why men should never get married, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6JQWP)
NEW YORK-In a breakthrough study with a stark prediction about present meteorological trends, a team of scientists at Columbia University warned Monday that the sky was rapidly running out of the good puffy clouds. Based on the current trajectory, we expect that big fluffy clouds will be entirely gone from the...Read more...
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on (#6JQRB)
WASHINGTON-Ignoring his better judgment so as not to be called a chicken, President Joe Biden reportedly fell through a sheet of ice and plunged into dangerously cold water Monday after his buddies dared him to walk on the frozen Capitol Reflecting Pool. Sources confirmed the commander-in-chief's chums had bet him $5...Read more...
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on (#6JQRC)
CHICAGO-Pulling back the covers to reveal a two-inch splotch in the middle of his bed, local man Dave Reardon reportedly treated his date, Sandra McAllister, to an amusing anecdote behind the stain on his sheets Monday. It's not what you think-it's actually a pretty funny story," the fully nude 32-year-old said...Read more...
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on (#6JQRE)
THE HEAVENS-Claiming that love had made Him do crazy things, the Lord God Almighty admitted Monday that sending the Great Flood to destroy the evil He beheld upon the earth was just a misguided attempt to impress Jodie Foster. Truth be told, I convinced Myself that if I sent mighty torrents of water to cleanse the...Read more...
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on (#6JQPW)
In an interview with Russian state television, Vladimir Putin claimed he would prefer that Joe Biden be reelected over Donald Trump, stating: Biden, he's more experienced, more predictable. He's a politician of the old formation." What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JPF7)
ATHENS, GREECE-With passage of the law marking a first for a majority Orthodox Christian nation, Greece officially legalized same-sex marriage Thursday in a bid to do more of that wedding dance they do, according to members of Parliament. This is a historic moment that will dramatically increase the number of times a...Read more...
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on (#6JPC8)
LONDON-Eliciting loud gasps from spectators as he posed for photos, actor Timothee Chalamet stunned at the Dune: Part Two premiere Thursday night by wearing a metal saucepan on his head. It was a daring fashion choice, but Chalamet certainly made a statement by donning a 3-quart All-Clad stainless steel saucepan on...Read more...
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on (#6JPC9)
Citing issues like limited usability and headaches, many Apple Vision Pro owners have begun returning their devices, which retail for $3,500. What do you think?