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on (#6HWSN)
GAINESVILLE, FL-Noting how advanced their depression was from an early age, a study published Tuesday by researchers at the University of Florida found that children of divorce are better prepared for life's relentless misery.Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-05-18 19:04 |
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on (#6HWQ3)
Yellowstone, a show that has become mandatory viewing for white males over 50, follows cattle rancher Jon Dutton as he navigates the struggles of owning and operating Yellowstone Dutton Ranch. If you know someone who watches the wildly popular TV series, here are things you should never say to them.Read more...
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on (#6HWQ5)
GAINESVILLE, FL-Noting how advanced their depression was from an early age, a study published Tuesday by researchers at the University of Florida found that children of divorce are better prepared for life's relentless misery. Our findings indicate that when kids are raised by divorced parents, they develop a...Read more...
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on (#6HWN9)
GALENA, IL-Saying that she didn't want to wait until she graduated high school to give her 6-month-old a baby brother or sister, local teen mom Lacey Reed told reporters Tuesday that she wanted another one. I know I'm still just in my junior year, but pretty soon I'd like to try for number two," said the 16-year-old,...Read more...
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on (#6HWNA)
WASHINGTON-Faced with a growing appetite and a dwindling amount of time, the nation settled for sandwiches from Jimmy John's on Tuesday, according to sources. Look, they're cheap and they're open, so let's just order, okay?" Will Rhinehart of Terre Haute, IN said to his family, who were among the 335 million...Read more...
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on (#6HWNB)
WASHINGTON-In an attempt to dupe others into believing she was in her office working rigorously at all hours of the day, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly rigged up a dummy Tuesday to look as if it were typing anytime someone cracked the office door. According to White House sources, whenever the door was opened...Read more...
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on (#6HW07)
Findings from a project comparing modern DNA with samples from ancient human teeth and bones allowed scientists to find disease-linked genes following prehistoric migrations, tracing a path back to the Bronze Age Yamnaya people who probably carried the genetic mutation to protect the nomadic herders from infections...Read more...
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on (#6HW08)
Look, we're not perverts. This is a real thing that members of Gen Z are doing. The Onion asked people in their late teens and 20s why they are resetting" their virginity, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HW09)
Look, we're not perverts. This is a real thing that members of Gen Z are doing. The Onion asked people in their late teens and 20s why they are resetting" their virginity, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HW0A)
GENEVA, IL-Thanking her two children profusely for the lovely and thoughtful gift, local mom Tammy Idles immediately used a birthday present Monday to make her husband a meal. So, who wants to try out my new air fryer?" said Idles, who within 60 seconds of unwrapping the box had already plugged the device into the...Read more...
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on (#6HW0B)
DES MOINES, IA-In a last-ditch effort to increase turnout for the crucial first-in-the-nation presidential contest, candidate Ron DeSantis reportedly went door-to-door Monday to beg his own campaign staff to vote for him. Hey there, ma'am, sorry to bother you, but could I take just a bit of your time to talk...Read more...
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on (#6HVX8)
BOSTON-Praising the 43-year-old's lengthy record of misconduct and exploitation, local nursing home Sunrise Living reportedly hired manager Carl Strasberg Monday after discovering he had two decades of elder abuse experience. Once we saw how Mr. Strasberg's sheer negligence helped increase accidental death...Read more...
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on (#6HW0C)
GLEN ELLYN, IL-Gesturing excitedly at the screen while the ambivalent canine lay beside him, local man John Eggert urged his dog Monday to pay attention while a dog was on TV. Look, look, Pickles-that dog looks just like you," Eggert said to his 6-year-old dachshund mix, who, despite her owner waking her up, turning...Read more...
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on (#6HVX9)
MIAMI-Addressing the swirling rumors about her love interest being closely associated with her ex-husband Scottie Pippen's former NBA teammate, reality television personality Larsa Pippen released a statement Monday confirming that she's dating Michael Jordan's gym bag. It's true-I am currently in a serious,...Read more...
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on (#6HTDD)
ORILLA, IA-With flights grounded and roads buried under inches of snow, blizzard conditions in Iowa reportedly forced Republican primary opponents Ron DeSantis and Nikki Haley to share a hotel room Friday. Seriously? There's not even a sofa?" said Haley, who groaned and returned DeSantis' brooding scowl with a fiery...Read more...
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on (#6HTDE)
MONTECITO, CA-Years after stepping back from their royal duties to live a more independent life and earn their own money, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced Friday their new plan to make a fortune running a self-storage facility. Though it took some time, we finally scraped together enough cash to make an offer...Read more...
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on (#6HTDF)
As polls show Nikki Haley edging out his lead in New Hampshire, former President Donald Trump started a birther rumor about his political rival, falsely stating that her Indian immigrant parents were not citizens when she was born in South Carolina and throwing into question her eligibility for the presidency. What do ...Read more...
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on (#6HRB6)
LOS ANGELES-In a post to the app that garnered dozens of likes, local NextDoor user Janine Parry reportedly came right out and asked this week if it was okay to set a homeless man on fire. Hey all, I've seen this guy around the neighborhood a few times, and I was wondering if anyone would mind if I doused him in...Read more...
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on (#6HRYQ)
MOUNT PROSPECT, IL-Picking up the waiting room periodical with a pained look on her face, local dentist Dr. Leigh Grace reported feeling hurt Thursday that someone would deface the teeth of a magazine cover model here, in her office, of all places. What kind of sick person would do this at a dental practice, a place...Read more...
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on (#6HQER)
According to the National Transportation Safety Board, the Alaska Airlines plane that lost a piece of its fuselage in midair had a pressurization warning light go off during three recent flights, and work to determine the cause of the warning was not done before takeoff last Friday. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HQAT)
When you first start dating a man, topics will inevitably arise that simply feel too gross, intimidating, or personal to discuss. The Onion answers every embarrassing sex question women wish they could ask their boyfriend.Read more...
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on (#6HQ3K)
When you first start dating a man, topics will inevitably arise that simply feel too gross, intimidating, or personal to discuss. The Onion answers every embarrassing sex question women wish they could ask their boyfriend.Read more...
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on (#6HPYP)
ANCHORAGE, AK-Stating that she had heard both perspectives and could understand their frustrations, marriage counselor Laurie Hartford reportedly told couple David and Julia Carter that she ultimately had to side with the hotter spouse. So, I've listened to everything you've had to say, and I've come to the...Read more...
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on (#6HPYR)
MILWAUKEE-Promising to violate any and all personal space, the nation's strangers held a press conference Tuesday to announce their plan to stand near you. Whether it's on the subway, in a coffee shop, at the bank, or in a park-we will closely hover around you and breathe on your neck," said sources who asked not to...Read more...
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on (#6HP25)
DENVER-Saying the company needed more workers without any hobbies, interests, or social life, local boss Ross Baresh confirmed Monday that he was impressed by what a friendless loser his hardworking employee Kyle Weinrib must be. I must say, I'm taking a real shine to Kyle and how utterly incapable he is of fostering...Read more...
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on (#6HP26)
NEW BRAUNFELS, TX-Noting a significant increase in engagement and participation, psychologists confirmed Monday that local father Chris O'Neill was most present while encouraging his children to knock it off. It was remarkable-instead of being distracted by outside intrusions like his phone or the television, Chris...Read more...
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on (#6HP27)
Though they belong to the most popular religion in the world, Christians remain mercilessly persecuted by a depraved subset of maniacs who do not believe in God. The Onion asked Christians why atheists are bullies, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HP12)
This is a developing story. Please check theonion.com for more.Read more...
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on (#6HNYM)
ATLANTA-In an effort to align the brand's supply chain with its Christian values, the fast food restaurant Chick-fil-A announced Monday that it would only serve chickens conceived in wedlock. Starting today, our more than 3,000 Chick-fil-A locations will no longer ask customers to eat bastard chicks born to unwed...Read more...
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on (#6HM20)
The genetic testing company 23andMe, which was subject to a data breach in December that compromised the genetic and ancestry data of 6.9 million users and now faces more than 30 lawsuits, blamed the victims of the hacking in a recent letter to users, stating that they negligently recycled and failed to update their...Read more...
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on (#6HM21)
Many politicians seem to believe they know enough about medicine to determine whether certain procedures are medically necessary or not. The Onion asked elected officials why they understand abortion better than doctors, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HM22)
BRATTLEBORO, VT-Making the bold assertion with no discernible evidence, local child Jayden Mitchell was unreasonably confident he'd make a good horse, sources confirmed Friday. Look, I'm not saying he'd make a terrible horse, but I think it's a little arrogant of him to just assume he'd make the best horse in the...Read more...
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on (#6HM23)
SAN DIEGO, CA-Emphasizing that the new facilities would be quick, clean, and easy to use, Petco introduced new self-service spay or neuter stations Friday in all of its stores nationwide. Starting today, customers will be able to go to any Petco and reserve a plastic, semiprivate enclosure in which to sterilize their...Read more...
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on (#6HKJX)
The Santa Cruz County bomb squad inspected an inert military ordnance" believed to be a practice bomb filled with sand from the 1960s that washed up on the Pajaro Dunes, 20 miles southeast of Santa Cruz. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HKFT)
NEW YORK-Dismissing the long-awaited unsealing of court documents related to Jeffrey Epstein as underwhelming," sources reported Thursday that the list of so-called elite perverts lacked star power. Bill Clinton, Prince Andrew, David Copperfield-what kind of cabal are they running here?" said sources who...Read more...
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on (#6HKCW)
A federal judge has unsealed hundreds of documents naming victims and con-conspirators in the trial of deceased sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. The Onion obtained a copy of these documents. Here, in pursuit of transparency and journalistic forthrightness, we present the names for the public's enlightenment.Read more...
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on (#6HK72)
Although phosphorus munitions are not technically banned under international law, it is illegal to use them against civilian populations. The Onion asked Americans when the military should be permitted to use white phosphorus, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HK4K)
WASHINGTON-Emphasizing that the newly discovered resource was our only hope to save the planet, climate scientists urged the public Thursday to switch to the renewable psychic energy of a frail, bald child. After years of research, we can confidently say that the only way to avert climate disaster is to harvest the...Read more...
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on (#6HK4M)
Disney's copyright on the 1928 animated film Steamboat Willie has expired, allowing anyone to use the storyline and famous Mickey Mouse mascot, with two new horror movies based on the short already announced. What do you think?Read more...