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on (#6J3DH)
NEW YORK-Standing before a crowd of millennials, Gen Xers, and baby boomers, members of Generation Z announced at a press conference Wednesday that actress Julie Andrews was problematic, but they refused to explain why. You know what she did-you just don't want to admit it," said Gen Z spokesperson Taylor Collaco,...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-05-18 20:49 |
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on (#6J3DJ)
PARKVILLE, MO-The patient having passed his annual checkup with flying colors, a visit to the doctor Wednesday confirmed that everything in local man Frank Jarvis' body was falling apart exactly on schedule. For a person of your age, height, and weight, your physical form is dying at exactly the rate it should be,"...Read more...
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on (#6J392)
No matter how vacuous and empty a man's brain is, his life partner should always be dumber. The Onion asked men why they prefer low-IQ wives, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6J2RX)
WASHINGTON-Insisting more people should get to wear an old oilskin hat and smoke a pipe at work, the American populace on Tuesday demanded more jobs in which a person gets to steer a ship with a big wooden wheel. To rebuild our nation's middle class, workers will need good, stable jobs in which they navigate the...Read more...
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on (#6J2RY)
BLOOMINGTON, IN-With their audible scoffs ringing out through the establishment, frowning sources at Inkwell Bakery and Cafe confirmed that the line actually starts back there. Just so you know, this isn't where the line begins," said a patron waiting in the queue, one of many who made stern eye contact and raised a...Read more...
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on (#6J2N1)
With fans waiting in lines for hours to buy the insulated steel tumblers, The Onion asked white girls why they love Stanley drinking cups, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6J2F2)
Ever since his support of an antisemitic Twitter post led advertisers to leave the platform, Elon Musk has attempted to rehabilitate his reputation, most recently by touring the Auschwitz-Birkenau death camp. The Onion examines everything Elon Musk did during his visit to Auschwitz.Read more...
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on (#6J2CG)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-A new study published Tuesday by the Harvard University Department of Social Sciences found that repeatedly patting one's thighs still remains the best way to get sat on. Interestingly, our findings suggest that repeatedly slapping your thighs and gruffly intoning plenty of room right here' remains...Read more...
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on (#6J1TK)
ANN ARBOR, MI-The bile-covered coins marking an inflection point in the measure of economic sentiment, a University of Michigan report released Monday found that consumer confidence was sky-high after every U.S. resident began vomiting up torrents of silver dollars. Our data indicate that consumer confidence has...Read more...
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on (#6J1TM)
LOS ANGELES-As they weighed making major changes to the show, producers for Fox NFL Sunday confirmed Monday they were worried the broadcast did not feature enough 50-to-90-year-old men standing awkwardly. I want to see men in navy suits, men in black suits, men smiling, and men scowling-and I want to see them...Read more...
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on (#6J1TN)
EXETER, NH-Raising concerns about the role that political misinformation and deepfakes might play in the coming presidential contest, election security experts confirmed the existence of a fake Joe Biden robocall Monday in which the sitting president tells New Hampshire voters that he took a paternity test and he's...Read more...
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on (#6J1TP)
WASHINGTON-Following the grounding of Boeing 737 Max 9 jets after a midair blowout on an Alaska Airlines flight, an inspector for the Federal Aviation Administration reported Monday that he had successfully identified an airplane. After careful evaluation, I can state with a reasonable degree of confidence that what...Read more...
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on (#6J1HT)
HAMPTON BEACH, NH-Greeting the video with a mixture of mild consternation and resigned acceptance, Republican voters across the nation reportedly shrugged Monday and said there was really nothing you could do after footage of Donald Trump molesting a deer emerged. Look, did I personally want or expect to see this...Read more...
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on (#6J1HV)
PITTSBURGH-Ending a years-long dispute over the 13-foot, 800-pound bronze monument in the city's historic Schenley Park, a judge ordered Monday that Pittsburgh's Christopher Columbus statue be removed and melted down to make pinkie rings for members of the local Italian population. While the city has a right to...Read more...
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on (#6J1HX)
ROSEBURG, OR-Saying he felt like he was quacking for nothing, a local duck reportedly told his family Monday that he couldn't believe he quacked his ass off all day to come home to this shit. Seriously, this is the thanks I get? Do you have any idea how much I quack?" said Ernest Mallard, who sharply criticized his...Read more...
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on (#6J1HY)
More than 580,000 beds sold by Walmart, Wayfair, and other retailers and designed by the brand Home Design, Inc. were recalled after 128 consumer reports that they are breaking, sagging or collapsing" when used, including 36 injuries to date. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6J1J1)
CANTON, MI-Watching in horrified disbelief as the events transpired, witnesses confirmed Monday that local white woman Cara LaForgia was about to make several unforgivable mistakes when she told a karaoke DJ to drop the mothafuckin' beat. Well, she jumped up on stage, raised her hand in the air, and told the audience...Read more...
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on (#6HZZZ)
A Justice Department report on the police response to the May 24, 2022 mass shooting at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, TX identified cascading failures" in the department's actions, including waiting too long to confront the gunman, failure to establish a command post, and giving inaccurate information to...Read more...
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on (#6HZXH)
CUPERTINO, CA-Providing a groundbreaking virtual experience that makes users feel like they aren't stupid and lame, Apple revealed a new Vision Pro app Friday that features the wearer's friends and family telling them they look really cool and normal in the VR headset. Today we push the boundaries in immersive VR...Read more...
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on (#6HZXJ)
HONOLULU-Determined to offset any bias that might cause them to be overlooked on the basis of their stature, the nation's short guys held a press conference Friday in which they announced plans to dress real snazzy.
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on (#6HZT9)
SACRAMENTO, CA-As an otherworldly glow emanated from the California governor's meticulously sculpted coiffure, sources confirmed Friday that the pulsating hair product on Gavin Newsom's head had taken control of his thoughts. There will be no bills signed, no presidential campaign-there will only be hair," said the...Read more...
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on (#6HZQ1)
Former President Trump recently said immigrants were poisoning the blood" of America, words that closely mirror the language Adolph Hitler used during his campaign to exterminate the Jews. The Onion asked Republicans how they felt about Trump's inflammatory comments, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HZM1)
Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz recently claimed that the MAGA movement was replacing Karens" with a more diverse base. The Onion asked Republicans to explain why they don't need women voters, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HZM2)
WASHINGTON-Frustrated by the lengths to which she had to go to enjoy a night out with friends, local woman Signa Ivarsen confirmed Friday she always wore an enchanted ring when she went to bars in order to avoid revealing to men she was actually a 750-year-old crone. All I have to do is slip this onto my left hand,...Read more...
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on (#6HZJG)
CHICAGO-Leading the children along their safety rope as if the slightest misstep could result in death or disaster, pre-K teacher Gretchen Silverstone reportedly dragged along a group of 4-year-olds Friday like a prison warden leading a chain gang through the Mojave Desert. According to reports, the 33-year-old...Read more...
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on (#6HZHZ)
Kate Middleton, the Princess of Wales, will be hospitalized for two weeks following an abdominal surgery for an undisclosed medical condition and will not return to her royal duties till after Easter. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HZGD)
HONOLULU-Determined to offset any bias that might cause them to be overlooked on the basis of their stature, the nation's short guys held a press conference Friday in which they announced plans to dress real snazzy. We're definitely breaking out the two-toned wingtips, and who knows, we might even throw a fedora on...Read more...
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on (#6HZ2K)
UVALDE, TX-Nearly two years after the tragic mass shooting left 19 children and two teachers dead, a Justice Department report released Thursday found Uvalde police waited nearly 77 minutes to enter Robb Elementary School as they debated the many reasons gunshots could be going off in a classroom. Our findings...Read more...
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on (#6HZ2M)
Former California governor and actor Arnold Schwarzenegger was detained attempting to leave Germany without declaring a luxury watch he acquired there, E.U. law stating any valuables must be declared and taxes paid before one can leave their member countries. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HZ2N)
NEW YORK-Having scoffed in astonishment as they picked up the produce and examined it, Italian immigrants shopping in U.S. grocery stores issued a statement Thursday claiming these tomatoes, they no good.Read more...
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on (#6HYN4)
NEW YORK-Having scoffed in astonishment as they picked up the produce and examined it, Italian immigrants shopping in U.S. grocery stores issued a statement Thursday claiming these tomatoes, they no good. A tomato supposed to be red-what this supposed to be?" said Gianfranco Padovani, who arrived in the United States...Read more...
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on (#6HYN6)
RACINE, WI-Saying he couldn't wait to pop the question to the love of his life, local man Joseph Lefferts told reporters Thursday he had been keeping an engagement ring in his pocket and waiting for the right moment to be publicly humiliated. Since buying a ring, I've been trying to figure out the best time to get...Read more...
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on (#6HYJJ)
MINNEAPOLIS-Showing how the method provided the basis for developments as diverse as the light bulb and the quantum computer, a report released Tuesday by researchers at the University of Minnesota found that the majority of innovations involved hot-gluing one thing onto another thing. A comprehensive analysis of...Read more...
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on (#6HYJK)
Madison Marsh, a Harvard graduate and 2nd lieutenant in the Air Force who was crowned Miss Colorado in May, was named 2024's Miss America, becoming the first member of the military to win the title. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HYJM)
In a world where the right endorsement can make or break a presidential candidate, there is one opinion that matters most of all: that of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. The Onion asked Americans who they believed Jesus would vote for, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6HY1R)
Former President Donald Trump won the Iowa Republican Caucus on Monday with 51% of the vote, beating out challengers Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-FL) and Nikki Haley. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6HXXZ)
PHILADELPHIA-Impressing all with their financial savvy, local engaged couple Michelle Zwicker and Peter Elliott reportedly saved thousands of dollars on their wedding by booking their venue for 3 a.m. on a Wednesday.Read more...
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on (#6HXTJ)
PHILADELPHIA-Impressing all with their financial savvy, local engaged couple Michelle Zwicker and Peter Elliott reportedly saved thousands of dollars on their wedding by booking their venue for 3 a.m. on a Wednesday. At first, I wasn't sure if the venue would let me book it for a single hour in the middle of the...Read more...
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on (#6HXNQ)
COLUMBUS, OH-Stressing that she felt almost entirely numb as she entered her fourth hour of viewership, local kindergartner Amelia Sanders told reporters Wednesday that she needed increasingly intense YouTube videos of a Latvian woman playing with Barbies just to feel anything. God, all it used to take was some...Read more...
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on (#6HXNR)
TALLAHASSEE, FL-With its legislature passing a resolution that cited the rich and significant history of the reproductive organ, Florida named the penis its official state genital on Wednesday. It fills me with great pleasure to sign this legislation recognizing the profound influence of the human penis on the...Read more...
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