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on (#6JPCA)
BRUSSELS-Implicating the Russian leader directly for his role in Alexei Navalny's passing, world leaders issued a joint statement Friday pledging that President Vladimir Putin would go unpunished. Mark our words, the European Union will spare no effort in ensuring that Putin experiences absolutely no ...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-05-05 19:35 |
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on (#6JP61)
LOS ANGELES-Noting that the project would usher in an entirely new era for her, Jennifer Lopez confirmed Friday that This Is Me...Now was not only a movie musical, an album, and a tour, but also a new autocratic nation-state. This Is Me...Now means so much to me, both because it truly represents who I am at this stage...Read more...
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on (#6JP62)
SILVER SPRING, MD-Amid a shortage caused by rising demand, manufacturing issues, and federal limits on production, the Food and Drug Administration confirmed Friday that the inadequate supply of ADHD drugs was forcing more parents to beat their children. Faced with out-of-stock pharmacies and few viable alternatives,...Read more...
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on (#6JP4F)
RENO, NV-Pointing up at the sky as he landed a bank shot, local basketball player Alan Jennings credited Kobe Bryant for inspiring him to score a career-high four points in his rec league game Thursday night. Kobe's dedication taught me that amazing things happen when you just get out there and play for the love of...Read more...
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on (#6JP4G)
With some country radio stations initially reluctant to play the pop star's latest releases Texas Hold 'Em" and 16 Carriages," The Onion asked country music fans why they would never listen to Beyonce, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6JP2C)
Representatives for Usher confirmed that the the star and longtime girlfriend Jennifer Goicoechea, a senior vice president at Epic Records, tied the knot at the Vegas Weddings chapel after the Super Bowl where Usher headlined the halftime show, with the couple stating that they look forward to continuing to raise...Read more...
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on (#6JP2E)
WASHINGTON-Moments after pulling shut the door to the Roosevelt Room and locking it behind her, a terrified Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly told aides to Stab him! Stab him, you cowards!" on Friday after she plunged a knife into President Joe Biden's back. What are you waiting for, you fools? Strike now!...Read more...
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on (#6JP2F)
GRAPEVINE, TX-In the midst of a skirmish over someone's cart blocking a parking spot at Walmart, sources confirmed the hair of local woman Deena Platt puffed up to several times its usual size Friday, intimidating her rival female shoppers. According to witnesses, after Platt paused to take a long drag off her...Read more...
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on (#6JNF0)
NEW YORK-Emphasizing the importance of gum health, former President Donald Trump reportedly tried to get out of his hush-money trial this week by scheduling a dentist appointment for the same day. Sorry, I really want to go to trial on Mar. 25, but unfortunately I have a teeth-cleaning appointment that day," said...Read more...
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on (#6JNF1)
Dozens of Israeli protesters are currently blocking food trucks from entering Gaza, where 2 million people are on the verge of famine. The Onion examines the pros and cons of allowing international aid organizations to deliver food to Gaza.Read more...
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on (#6JN8K)
Former President Donald Trump recently said during a rally that he'd invite Russia to do whatever the hell they want" to members of NATO that had not paid their dues. The Onion asked Republicans why they were downplaying Trump's remarks, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6JN5Y)
WASHINGTON-After top advisors patted his head and called him a good president, Joe Biden was rewarded with extra time on his tablet Thursday, according to sources within the West Wing. Since you were so patient and quiet all the way through the National Security Council meeting, you can play on the iPad for 30...Read more...
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on (#6JN49)
LA JOLLA, CA-Scooting over to make room for more people on their serape blankets, a bunch of dudes seen jamming Thursday invited the nation to come on over and grab a tambo. Don't need to know how to play to feel the groove," said local djembe player Christopher Moran, who reportedly kept the beat alive with one hand...Read more...
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on (#6JN4A)
CHICAGO-Noting how dirty the glass still looked even after going to all that trouble, sources confirmed Thursday that the window washer they'd hired could have at least dragged his squeegee along the building as he fell. Yeah, I know his rope snapped and he ultimately fell to his death, but would it have killed him...Read more...
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on (#6JN4B)
Alaskapox, a virus discovered in 2015 that is mostly endemic among Alaskan small mammal populations, recently claimed its first human victim despite the fact that experts say the illness is often mild and infections remain rare. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JNF2)
SAN FRANCISCO-Emphasizing the extra steps it took to ensure the sex lives of its customers remained public, telehealth company Hims announced a new indiscreet shipping option Thursday that alerts neighbors to an impending erection. With Hims' new indiscreet packaging option, it will be obvious to everyone that you...Read more...
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on (#6JMM5)
People across America are exchanging candy and flowers with their sweethearts for Valentine's Day, but each individual has their own preferred way to show their partner they care. How are you celebrating Valentines' Day?Read more...
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on (#6JMB1)
The report by special counsel Robert Hur that describes Joe Biden as an elderly man with a poor memory" has renewed debate about the president's capacity to carry out a second term. But how bad is his memory compared to that of the average American? Take the quiz below to compare your answers to questions recently...Read more...
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on (#6JM8J)
SALT LAKE CITY-Pausing their boisterous conversation to greet some new faces, the nation's hairy men in hot tubs confirmed Wednesday there was plenty of room for one more if anybody else wanted in on the fun. Don't be shy, we can all squeeze in here," a man completely covered in hair and sweat said on behalf of the...Read more...
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on (#6JM8M)
In an effort to appeal to younger voters, the Joe Biden campaign unveiled its first TikTok post during the Super Bowl on Sunday, captioned lol hey guys" and poking fun at conservative conspiracy theories about the NFL rigging the season. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JM69)
NEW YORK-Conspicuously holding up her wrist for everyone in the bar to see, local woman Liz Galdames reportedly flashed her friendship bracelet Wednesday evening in order to repel anyone seeking platonic companionship. Sorry, buddy, I already have a pal," Galdames told the disappointed man who had approached her with...Read more...
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on (#6JM6A)
NORCROSS, GA-Choking on the lacy fabric he had expected to find delicious, local man David Garay reportedly took two bites of a pair of panties Wednesday before realizing they weren't edible. Wait, what the hell? This isn't tasty at all!" said a grimacing Garay, who spit out shreds of a woman's undergarment after...Read more...
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on (#6JKS3)
Claiming that the ad was created without any involvement or approval from my campaign" Robert F. Kennedy Jr. apologized to his family for any pain caused by his Super Bowl ad that used JFK's campaign song and inserted RFK into 1960s imagery, despite keeping the ad pinned to the top of his X page. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6JKGD)
If you're an alpha male, you may be wondering how to sweep your woman off her feet without appearing soft and feminine. Here's how to dominate your Valentine's Day without turning into a simping beta.Read more...
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on (#6JKCJ)
DENVER-Cornered by the unreserved woman with nowhere to run, local 29-year-old Christine Lopez was reportedly terrified Tuesday after a friend of a friend had asked her point-blank what brand of vibrator she used. So are you into clitoral stimulation, or what?" said the woman, whose name was unknown to Lopez, as the...Read more...
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on (#6JKCK)
Former Fox News host Tucker Carlson recently interviewed Russian President Vladimir Putin for over two hours, discussing topics such as the war in Ukraine and the imprisonment of Wall Street Journal reporter Evan Gershkovich. Here is a rundown of everything we learned from the conservative commentator's controversial...Read more...
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on (#6JKAB)
CHICAGO-Failing to use the appropriate level of discretion, local man Keith Makarewicz took a second too long to adjust his balls, sources reported Tuesday. Look, there's nothing wrong with moving your testicles into a more comfortable position, we get that, but you have to be in and out," said one eyewitness, who...Read more...
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on (#6JKAC)
LONDON-Proclaiming a new era of unstoppable proliferation across the United Kingdom, a bloody, cancerous polyp addressed the British public from Buckingham Palace on Tuesday and informed them that he was their new king. Bow down before me, subjects, for I have dethroned your once-mighty monarch," said His Majesty...Read more...
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on (#6JKAD)
FALMOUTH, ME-Saying the residence evoked far too many painful memories to be left standing, Maine authorities confirmed Tuesday they had demolished the house at 231 Pinelock Lane that was once the site of a horrific marriage. When that terrible marriage first struck this town, it was like a nightmare come to...Read more...
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on (#6JK8Y)
CLEVELAND-Responding to an email thread that included the senior staff on multiple org charts at both Intrepid Solutions and Mayflower Global, sources who once had self-respect reported Tuesday that it was nice to e-meet you. Danielle, so glad we could virtually connect with your team on this and looking forward to...Read more...
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on (#6JJRH)
NEW YORK-Realizing her 15 minutes of fame had come to an abrupt end, a depressed Taylor Swift told reporters Monday that she was going to miss being in the spotlight now that the Super Bowl was over. I guess it's just me and my cats now that the big game has drawn to a close," said the disheveled, sweatpants-wearing...Read more...
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on (#6JJ6N)
LAS VEGAS-Following a longstanding team tradition, members of the Kansas City Chiefs celebrated their Super Bowl LVIII win Sunday by pouring a vat of hot fryer grease over head coach Andy Reid. Sources confirmed that Reid, who has now led the Chiefs to three championships, smiled wide and feigned surprise as the...Read more...
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on (#6JHXF)
LAS VEGAS-Ensuring total privacy for his sumptuous meal, Kansas City Chiefs coach Andy Reid reportedly closed his blinds and silenced his phone Sunday so he could sit down and enjoy an arugula and fig salad before the Super Bowl. Ciao bella," Reid said as he placed a cloth napkin on his lap, removed the stainless...Read more...
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on (#6JGXH)
Why spend your hard-earned money on your family when you could piss it away on trivial bets totally unrelated to sports at all? Here are The Onion's picks for the best prop bets for Super Bowl LVIII.Read more...
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on (#6JGFS)
Test your knowledge of one of the winningest football franchises in recent history by passing this quiz on the Kansas City Chiefs.Read more...
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on (#6JGFT)
Between fans eager to see the spectacle of Vegas, Taylor Swift's possible attendance, the star-studded halftime lineup, and the game itself, Super Bowl LVIII ticket prices have been driven up to a median of $8,776 per ticket and demand is still high, with one ticket resale service owner remarking that billionaires...Read more...
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on (#6JGFW)
SPANISH FORK, UT-Entering his skull with a notarized affidavit and seizing the vital organ, agents dispatched Thursday by PNC Bank repossessed the brain of local man Dylan Turner, who had reportedly defaulted on his student loans. Sorry, pal, but that brain is coming with us," repo man Kyle Mickos said as he put away...Read more...
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on (#6JG1A)
VATICAN CITY-Appearing at the altar of St. Peter's Basilica in the same vestments he'd worn the day before, a hungover Pope Francis reportedly played a Bible-themed movie Thursday during morning mass. All right, so today for church we're going to watch a video I think everybody will enjoy," the pope said in Latin,...Read more...
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on (#6JFYG)
NEW YORK-Refuting claims that his references to recent conversations with deceased politicians were made by mistake, President Joe Biden confirmed Thursday that he speaks to dead European leaders all the time as they beckon him toward the light. That was not a gaffe-I distinctly remember Helmut Kohl telling me the...Read more...
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on (#6JFYH)
SAN DIEGO-Embarrassing himself profusely in what would otherwise have been a successful evening, local man Joseph Ward reportedly killed the mood Thursday after struggling to unclasp date Heather Kapelos' chip clip. I'm really sorry, just give me another minute," said Ward, who later confirmed he could feel Kapelos'...Read more...
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on (#6JFYJ)
LAS VEGAS-In a significant blow for the presidential candidate's already beleaguered campaign, Nikki Haley lost Nevada's Republican primary Tuesday to the alternative option of I'm Trans and You Can Take My Guns," according to the final tally of votes. It's a major upset for Haley to have nearly 63% of conservative...Read more...
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