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on (#6KJ1W)
HUNTSVILLE, AL-Bereft of the sort of close companions who would intervene before he took such a drastic step, local man Bill Delaney had no one in his life to stop him from posting a lengthy video condemning the new film Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire, sources confirmed Friday. According to insiders with knowledge of...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-05-06 07:49 |
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on (#6KJ1X)
GOTHAM CITY-Nervous about visiting their cousin after hearing reports that a homicidal prankster was on the loose somewhere in the area, local man Mike Turnbull's relatives reportedly acted Friday as if they were going to be assaulted by a deranged clown the instant they set foot in Gotham City. Like any other town,...Read more...
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on (#6KJ1Y)
Oprah Winfrey's new special Shame, Blame And The Weight Loss Revolution explores the effects GLP-1 drugs such as Ozempic might have on the obesity epidemic and recounts the talk show host's own weight loss journey. Here's a rundown of everything we learned from the special.Read more...
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on (#6KJ1Z)
LOS ANGELES-Following the release of the sequel's first trailer, fans and critics praised Beetlejuice Beetlejuice director Tim Burton for opting to use actual demonic forces in his film rather than attempting to recreate them using CGI. It's honestly so refreshing to see a modern production using good old-fashioned...Read more...
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on (#6KHS7)
A new World Happiness Report from Gallup found that the United States is no longer among the 20 happiest countries in the world for the first time in the report's 12-year history, now ranking only 23rd compared to 15th last year. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6KHS8)
COLUMBUS, OH-Saying the roster was absolutely stacked with nimble little guys, sources confirmed Friday that every player on Fosser University's Division III men's basketball team was 5 feet, 9 inches tall. Well, technically the center is 5-foot-9 and a half, and the shooting guard is 5-foot-8 and three quarters, but...Read more...
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on (#6KHS9)
SHEBOYGAN, WI-Cowering with visible terror as the demand reverberated from the dank, cavernous space, Ricker family sources confirmed Friday that a deep bellow of I'm hungry" had rolled out of their teenage son Caleb's animal-bone-filled den. Feed me! Put it in my mouth! More! More now!" the 15-year-old said in...Read more...
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on (#6KHSA)
NEW YORK-In a breakthrough finding that sheds light on the keen perceptive abilities of the age group, a Columbia University study published Friday revealed that vicious sixth-grade girls were able to detect a single drop of menstrual blood on an outfit from up to one mile away. Our research confirms the popular...Read more...
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on (#6KHRQ)
Like other sources of human happiness, gambling is a serious disease. If you do any of the following things, you could be addicted to sports betting.Read more...
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on (#6KHD7)
Alabama Gov. Kay Ivey (R) signed into law a sweeping bill that prohibits public schools and universities from maintaining or funding diversity, equity, and inclusion programs, as well as also requiring public universities to designate restrooms on the basis of biological sex." What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6KHD8)
BEL AIR, CA-Marking a stark pivot in her career, Beyonce revealed the new cover Thursday for her forthcoming country album, which features the pop star toothless and hunched over, sharing a jar of moonshine with her pet possum, Angus. This iconic, generation-defining album cover proves Beyonce is taking this...Read more...
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on (#6KH51)
PALM BEACH, FL-With time running out for the former president to secure a bond to cover the penalty in his New York civil fraud case, Donald Trump was seen Thursday frantically digging holes around Mar-a-Lago in hopes of striking $454 million in oil. Look, all I'm asking for here is a little black gold to make that...Read more...
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on (#6KH52)
The Environmental Protection Agency has for the first time banned all uses of asbestos, which is linked to various forms of cancer but is still employed in some industrial processes. The Onion explores the pros and cons of banning the controversial material.Read more...
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on (#6KGSV)
Former President Trump currently faces 91 felony counts in courts from Georgia and Florida to New York and Washington, D.C. Test your knowledge of the current Republican presidential candidate's ongoing criminal and civil cases with this quiz.Read more...
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on (#6KGSW)
WASHINGTON-Warning the American public about the powerful stench, a watchdog report released this week confirmed that a weird smell was coming from Arizona. Several corroborated accounts from Sun Belt sources close to the state indicate there is a decidedly off smell emanating from Arizona," the report read in part,...Read more...
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on (#6KGSC)
NAPERVILLE, IL-Working quickly and efficiently after the roast beef sandwich he'd been eating unexpectedly began to leak juices from the back, local man Dave Brauer reportedly rushed to strategically hold his dripping food over other food Thursday. Oh shit, that's not good," said Brauer, who, with a mouth full of...Read more...
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Study: Millennial Women Forgoing Dating Apps In Favor Of Standing On Misty Jetty, Calling Out To Sea
on (#6KFV9)
KINGSTON, RI-In a new study of dating trends published Tuesday, researchers at the University of Rhode Island reported that many millennial women were beginning to forgo apps such as Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge in favor of standing on a misty jetty and calling out to sea. In our survey of single Americans, we found...Read more...
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on (#6KFVD)
Asbestos, a known carcinogen that is linked to over 40,000 deaths in America annually, is now fully banned from use in the U.S., whereas it had previously only been restricted. What do you think?Read more...
on (#6KFC3)
Russian President Vladimir Putin's quarter-century rule will officially extend another six years after he won an election against no real opposition candidates and amid harsh crackdowns on dissent. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6KF97)
Presidential candidate Donald Trump recently remarked that if he loses the 2024 election it will be a bloodbath for the country." The Onion examines what he might have meant by the statement.Read more...
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on (#6KEZX)
WASHINGTON-Stressing that they finally had enough space and couldn't wait any longer, the nation's white women announced Tuesday that they had an insatiable urge to have chickens in the backyard. For the past few years, we've dreamed day-in and day-out of building cute little chicken coops and raising our own flock,...Read more...
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on (#6KE3K)
And the RNC is going to pay for it.Read more...
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on (#6KE3M)
CLEVELAND-Remarking that his family history was apparently far more complicated than he originally thought, Cleveland resident Nathan Yang received an unsettling Ancestry.com report Monday that said Genghis Khan descended from him. Huh, that's weird-this says that I'm closely related to the first khagan of the Mongol...Read more...
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on (#6KE1T)
Researchers studying python farming in Thailand and Vietnam found that the snakes are more efficient to raise than other animals farmed for meat, able to grow rapidly while eating less food than other livestock, which could help offset rising food insecurity. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6KCJD)
Kamala Harris toured a Planned Parenthood that offers abortion services, the first vice president to do so, where she delivered a speech defending reproductive rights. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6KCJE)
VATICAN CITY-In an effort to make the church feel fresh and exciting again for youths around the world, the Roman Catholic Church announced Friday that it had added belief in a badass deity with a robotic falcon head to its existing dogmas. Starting today, the church will officially recognize our newest god,...Read more...
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on (#6KCHT)
WASHINGTON-Her mind spinning as she poured over the sheaf of papers, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly discovered classified documents Friday revealing that she is an android created by the DNC. Wha-no, it can't be," said Harris, whose mouth hung open in shock, too horrified to scream after accidentally...Read more...
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on (#6KCAT)
Mystery continues to swirl around the Princess of Wales, who has remained out of the public eye since December. The following is a complete timeline of Kate Middleton's disappearance.Read more...
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on (#6KCAV)
President Joe Biden recently came under fire for a gaffe he made during his State of the Union speech when he referred to an undocumented immigrant as an illegal." The Onion presents the pros and cons of referring to immigrants with this incendiary and dehumanizing term.Read more...
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on (#6KC98)
KOHLER, WI-After the product reportedly tested well in focus groups throughout the United States, plumbing-fixture manufacturer Kohler unveiled a powerful new toilet Thursday that, according to marketing materials, is capable of flushing a handgun. We built our GlockSense smart toilet with enhanced features that...Read more...
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on (#6KC99)
The Jets quarterback has recently faced backlash for controversial remarks on the 9/11 terror attacks, Covid vaccines, and the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting. The Onion asked football fans what they thought about Aaron Rodgers spreading conspiracy theories, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6KC6T)
After 25 years, the Philadelphia Phillies are ending $1 hot dog night after fans took to hurling the concessions onto the field last year. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6KC6V)
PHILADELPHIA-In a new study published Friday in the latest issue of the International Journal Of Sexual Health, researchers found that among the human population, sexual satisfaction ranked highest among nerds covered in lipstick marks with their glasses askew. This phenomenon appears across the globe and in all...Read more...
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on (#6KB9T)
Amid concerns about privacy in vacation rentals and public spaces, Airbnb released a statement saying the company will no longer permit indoor security cameras to be installed in rental properties, an update to its previous policy, which allowed cameras in common areas so long as their presence was disclosed to...Read more...
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on (#6KB9V)
COLUMBUS, OH-Pleased to see his years of hard work had finally paid off, sources confirmed Wednesday that the owner of the shuttered hermit crab kiosk at the mall had probably retired to his own private tropical island. Good for him," said one of the sources, who smiled wistfully as they imagined the now fabulously...Read more...
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on (#6KB9Y)
ARLINGTON, VA-Lauding the grizzled figure who has a large scar running down his left cheek, Boeing has promoted a mysterious employee known only as The Panther," sources confirmed Thursday. The entire Boeing family would like to extend a big congratulations to The Panther, who has recently proven that his loyalty to...Read more...
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on (#6KB9Z)
FORT COLLINS, CO-Crediting the technique with helping countless clients, nutritionists recommended Thursday that Americans struggling to maintain a body weight try shaking their stomachs while yelling Stop being hungry!" Whether you're trying to cut down on added sugar or experimenting with intermittent fasting,...Read more...
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on (#6KBA0)
VIENNA-In an apparent attempt to persuade his customer that the additional fees would pay for itself in peace of mind, sources confirmed Thursday that local hitman Vincent Klein kept trying to upsell his client on dissolving the target's corpse in a vat of acid. It's, like, I get it for some things-definitely,...Read more...
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on (#6KAM7)
Former Boeing employee John Barnett was found dead in his car from an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound" on the day he was set to be cross-examined about allegations he'd made regarding the company's grave safety breaches on the production line. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6KAKH)
NEW YORK-Rolling up their sleeves to reveal an illustration of a whisk or a fried egg inked on each of their forearms, the nation's burly chefs announced plans Wednesday to completely cover their meaty hands in tattoos also. We, the nation's barrel-chested chefs, will continue to cover our plump little sausage...Read more...
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on (#6KAKJ)
ESCANABA, MI-Declining to help himself to the uneaten food on their plates, depressed father of three Matt Dunbar was not even touching the rest of his family's dinners, household sources reported Wednesday. Usually he just digs right in and finishes up the leftovers I'm about to put in the fridge, but tonight he was...Read more...
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on (#6KA97)
Do you lack empathy, attempt to control others, exhibit impulsive behavior, or lie about all those things to seem normal? Take our quiz to find out if you are a sociopath.Read more...
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on (#6KA98)
DES MOINES, IA-Noting that they already felt closer as a result of the exercise, employees of local company Alpa Solutions relied on their corporate team building skills Wednesday while disposing of their CEO's body. It was amazing from start to finish-we felt empowered to work together and go above and beyond as we...Read more...
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on (#6KA99)
This week, House Republicans are pushing a vote on a bill with bipartisan support that would require TikTok's Beijing-based owners, ByteDance, to divest their stakes from the company or else the app will no longer be available to American users by Sept. 30. What do you think?Read more...