The Onion

The Kern County Coroner’s Office revealed that they are still holding onto the body of serial killer Charles Manson due to a dispute between his son, grandson, and two memorabilia collectors with unproven claims to his remains. What do you think?Read more...

Due to factors such as coat shedding and breeding programs, male dogs have almost double the chance of winning Best in Show at the prestigious Westminster Dog Show. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Searching for a motive to explain the country’s epidemic of mass shootings, sources confirmed Friday that the nation was constantly hearing voices encouraging it to buy a gun. “I hear them all the time, these angry, paranoid voices urging me to go out and arm myself,” said Pennsylvania resident Arthur…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

In the third episode of “A Very Fatal Murder,” David attends Calloway Day to see exactly how middle-class America celebrates what little they have, and to see just how deep a hold W.O. Calloway has on the townspeople of Bluff Springs.Read more...

WALTHAM, MA—Heralding its latest product as a breakthrough in artificial-intelligence technology, defense contractor Raytheon announced Friday it has built a military robot capable of composing heart-wrenchingly poignant poems about the relentless horrors of war.Read more...

Read more...

SPRINGFIELD, IL—Describing his ideal work environment as lenient on total incompetence, local man James Kearse told reporters Tuesday he’s looking for a job that plays to his natural talent for half-assing things. “I’ve always had a gift for slapping shit together at the last second, so it’d be nice to finally work…Read more...

BATON ROUGE, LA—In a discovery that may indicate the Jazz Age began thousands of years earlier than traditionally believed, a team of archaeologists from Louisiana State University announced Tuesday that they had unearthed a completely intact mastodon-ivory trumpet. “This horn is our first insight into the possible…Read more...

DECATUR, IL—Lamenting that his viewing experience was already ruined by reveals made in the preview, area man Adam Fredrikson told reporters Friday that he hates it when a trailer gives away the entire premise of a movie. “I’ll be pumped to see a new film, but once the title and basic dramatic conceit are revealed in…Read more...

Sports Illustrated is touting its latest swimsuit issue—which features an all-female crew on some photo shoots and empowering slogans written on nude models—as the first of the #MeToo movement. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the updated procedure could prevent needless tragedies and save countless lives, officials from the National School Boards Association announced Thursday that new active-shooter drills would include practicing pleas to lawmakers to do something about this. “This new training exercise…Read more...

DEARBORN, MI—Forming a macabre display of safety-related anthropomorphic horror, thousands of dismembered and carefully arranged crash test dummies were found lining newly discovered catacombs beneath Ford’s River Rouge Complex, sources reported Thursday. “As my eyes gradually adjusted to the gloom of the labyrinthine…Read more...

Read more...

Bed bugs are a common issue, especially in cities, and getting rid of them can be difficult, time-consuming, and expensive. The Onion presents tips for treating a bed bug infestation.Read more...

On the heels of a proposal to cut food stamps, White House Budget Director Mick Mulvaney suggested sending needy Americans food directly in a manner he compared to delivery service Blue Apron. What do you think?Read more...

PARKLAND, FL—In the hours following a violent rampage in Florida in which a lone attacker killed 17 individuals and seriously injured over a dozen others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre…Read more...

Read more...

Sony Pictures has issued an apology for insensitively depicting a gardener’s blackberry allergies in children’s film Peter Rabbit after drawing criticism for a comedic scene in which rabbits pelt the villainous character with blackberries. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

FORT COLLINS, CO—A new study released this week by researchers at Colorado State University revealed that 89 percent of U.S. husbands intend to surprise their wives this Valentine’s Day by stripping nude and then donning a skimpy homemade costume so as to bear the likeness of a plump, winged child-angel. “I just…Read more...

Read more...

PHOENIX—Calling it the perfect expression of affection for that special animal lover in your life, PetSmart reportedly introduced the world’s first heart-shaped puppy this week just in time for Valentine’s Day. “We believe that your significant other deserves a genetically modified companion as completely unique as…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

SAN DIEGO—Powerless to escape the frenzied women who had singled him out, area man Charles Wieland, a frail and solitary bystander, was reportedly targeted Wednesday by a pack of female friends who wanted their picture taken outside a local seafood restaurant. “Can you take our picture?” several of the women asked…Read more...

CANTON, OH—Noting the deep and genuine mutual fondness that fans of pornographic Japanese imagery have displayed in the site’s comments, posts, and private messages, sources confirmed Wednesday that popular hentai message board YourHentaiWorld was home to a surprisingly close-knit and supportive user community.…Read more...

Read more...

BOSTON—Claiming that the simple but thoughtful act was an excellent way to rekindle lost love, relationship experts confirmed Wednesday that mailing a body part to an ex on Valentine’s Day was the only way to win them back. “Our research revealed that anyone hoping to successfully reignite an old flame should lop off…Read more...

Barack and Michelle Obama revealed their unorthodox presidential portraits at the National Portrait Gallery, the works of painters Kehinde Wiley and Amy Sherald, respectively. What do you think?Read more...

Americans nationwide are searching for the perfect gifts to symbolize their love for Valentine’s Day. What will you give your significant other?Read more...

NEW YORK—Commending his healthy frame, impeccable lineage, and ability to form light and order from the primordial chaos, judges announced Thursday that Egyptian deity Ra has taken top honors at the 141st annual Westminster God Show.Read more...

Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—In a landmark overhaul of traditional curriculum standards, the Texas State Board of Education voted Tuesday in favor of a legislative recommendation that public high schools no longer require teachers to include autoerotic asphyxiation in their health education curriculum. “We stand firm in our belief that…Read more...

As union membership declines, the gig economy continues to grow, and automation becomes an increasing priority, the labor rights movement in the U.S. faces stiff challenges. The Onion presents a timeline of key events in the labor rights movement.Read more...

In a message to patrons, L.L. Bean announced that it would end its long-standing policy of guaranteeing products for life, citing modern business demands and customers exploiting loopholes in the plan. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

BELLEVUE, WA—In an effort to provide customers with a wide selection of shirts, pants, sweaters, and outerwear, retail chain Eddie Bauer announced plans Tuesday to release a brand-new line of brown clothes. “Since we pride ourselves on anticipating our customers’ tastes, we’ve designed this year’s collection around…Read more...

Former White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon believes that the “anti-patriarchy” could take down President Trump, and that culture will “never be the same going forward,” according to author Joshua Green. What do you think?Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Claiming the common-sense measure would save untold lives, mayors from 37 major American cities issued statements Thursday in favor of outlawing hollow-point silver bullets after the latest wave of gruesome werewolf slayings. “There is simply no place on our streets for ammunition with the destructive…Read more...

In the second episode of “A Very Fatal Murder,” David conducts preliminary interviews with those connected to the murder of Hayley Price, including chief of police Charlie Jameson and Hayley’s boyfriend Bryan, who is really hot but also––like––interesting––which is so hard to find in someone these days––as well as the…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Expressing a deep desire to see an unbelievably gut-wrenching and epic crash, Americans across the country were reportedly praying Monday for a super nasty luge accident. “I’m just hoping we get a chance to watch a guy lose control of the sled, slam really hard into the wall, and then go tumbling down the…Read more...

Read more...

LONDON—A new study published this week in the journal Animal Behaviour revealed that house cats only meow when they want to alert their owners that they just witnessed a neighbor’s murder while looking out a window. “Through direct observation and analysis of feline vocal patterns, we were able to confirm that the…Read more...

Read more...

NAMPA, ID—In an effort to provide space for the family during their time of mourning, detective James Horton reportedly refused Monday to pry into the circumstances surrounding 28-year-old Allan Lieberman’s murder out of respect for the deceased. “Due to the extremely sensitive nature of this violent incident, I have…Read more...

Read more...

EASTON, PA—Dreading the looks on their faces once they realized the recipe was “truly easy as fuck,” local grandmother Rosemary Guzzo, 79, confirmed Monday that she didn’t have the heart to tell her family that any dipshit can make lasagna. “No, I don’t think I can bring myself to do it. They’d be too crushed to find…Read more...

Quentin Tarantino told Vanity Fair that convincing Uma Thurman to perform the stunt that led to her car accident on the Kill Bill: Vol. 1 set was “one of the biggest regrets of his life.” What do you think?Read more...