The Onion

LOS ANGELES—Making the discovery while searching his attic for a pair of rarely worn snow pants, actor Brad Pitt on Friday reportedly stumbled across an old cardboard box containing the severed head of Gwyneth Paltrow. “Oh man, I totally forgot about this up here! Right after we broke up I never wanted to see it…Read more...

NEW YORK—Offering young acne sufferers the means to clear up their skin in nonjudgmental privacy, a new AcneFree treatment unveiled Friday will ship teens to a remote island colony for the remainder of puberty. “We’re excited to provide pimpled teenagers with the opportunity to spend their adolescence ridding…Read more...

After accidentally swiping left rather than right, a Missouri State freshman emailed every student on campus with the name Claudia in an effort to connect with her using the only information he knew. What do you think?Read more...

Illinois Senator Tammy Duckworth announced this week that she is pregnant with her second child, which will make her the first serving U.S. Senator to give birth while in office. What do you think?Read more...

NULLARBOR PLAIN, AUSTRALIA—Having completed the ritualistic journey from inexperienced trainees to enlightened servers, hostesses, and line cooks, employees at Outback Steakhouse reportedly returned from their mandatory six-month walkabout in the Australian wilderness Thursday. “This rite of passage, in which…Read more...

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LENEXA, KS—Saying she considered it his best work yet, local mom Arianne Caluso told her son Jack on Thursday that she has been getting pretty into the new Tyler, The Creator album. “Oh, Jack, honey, I’ve been listening to Flower Boy almost nonstop for the past few days—it’s just fabulous!” said Caluso, 54, of the…Read more...

SEATTLE—Suddenly snapping back to attention, a dazed Jeff Bezos reportedly realized Thursday that he had spent an entire conversation thinking about how to automate the person talking to him. “Sorry, could you repeat that? I just lost focus for a second [as I indifferently watched you open and close your mouth,…Read more...

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ATLANTA—Urging Americans to help prevent the overall yucky feeling from continuing to spread unchecked, the CDC issued a warning Thursday of a full-blown epidemic of the blahs. “We urge you to seek medical attention the second you start to experience ickiness or feel sorta meh,” said CDC director Brenda Fitzgerald,…Read more...

EL SEGUNDO, CA—After receiving hundreds of injury reports from parents across the nation, American Girl announced Thursday that it has decided to recall 50,000 dolls with chainsaws for hands. “Due to a factory error at our plants, thousands of our signature ‘Maryellen’ dolls were accidentally sent out with small…Read more...

Over the last decade, private companies like Virgin Galactic and SpaceX have begun to challenge government-run programs conducting space exploration and investigating the possibility of establishing life on other planets. The Onion outlines the pros and cons of privatized space travel.Read more...

Vermont Governor Phil Scott has made history by signing marijuana legalization into law, making it the first state to do so by legislation. What do you think?Read more...

Guillermo Del Toro’s supernatural romance The Shape of Water has received 13 Oscar nominations, including Best Picture, placing it ahead of war drama Dunkirk and dark comedy Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri. What do you think?Read more...

HERNANDO, MS—Saying it was outrageously unfair that the film wasn’t up for any awards, area man Lawrence Kent said Wednesday that he thinks the movie he saw should have been nominated for an Oscar. “That secret agent movie I saw should definitely have been nominated,” Kent said indignantly of Kingsman: The Golden…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Shedding new light on the tragic ending to his critically acclaimed portrait of the animal activist, filmmaker Werner Herzog told reporters Wednesday that he killed and ate Timothy Treadwell in 2003. “I should finally say that during the filming of my documentary Grizzly Man, I mauled Timothy Treadwell to…Read more...

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GOODYEAR, AZ—Acknowledging that the resemblance was quite striking, local grandmother Dorothy Hanson told reporters Wednesday that her newborn grandchild Dylan definitely has his father Jack’s asshole. “Oh my goodness, you certainly are the spitting image of your daddy,” said Hanson while changing the baby’s diaper,…Read more...

Wonder Woman 2 will be the first movie to implement new Producer’s Guide of America recommendations for combating sexual harassment, which include having an advocate constantly on set ready to hear any claims or concerns. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Saying the long-overdue gesture was a step towards atoning for the space agency’s past transgressions, NASA issued a formal apology Wednesday for the 1969 genocide of the moon’s native population. “The time has come to recognize NASA’s detestable role in the massacre of the moon’s original inhabitants,”…Read more...

Democrats in the Senate have voted to end a three-day budget shutdown after receiving assurances from Republican leaders that they will soon tackle a bill to keep immigrant “Dreamers” in the country. What do you think?Read more...

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SELIGMAN, AZ—In an attempt to console the family of the deceased, Mountain View Hospice nurse Sam Bakshi—who watched his patient wither away for half a year in unrelenting torment—told relatives of the late Dennis Ridges on Tuesday that the man had died peacefully in his sleep. “I know this is a difficult time, but I…Read more...

The World Economic Forum, held every year in Davos, Switzerland, brings together hundreds of the planet’s most powerful political leaders, economists, and thinkers to discuss pressing world issues. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the WEF’s 47-year history.Read more...

ST. LOUIS—Taking a moment to consider the possibility that having an honest conversation with her doctor may actually be beneficial, local woman Denise Bowers said Tuesday that she was thinking about telling her gynecologist the whole truth. “Maybe this time I’ll just bite the bullet and let her know everything,” said…Read more...

Amazon Go, a grocery store that uses hundreds of cameras and a customer’s phone to eliminate checking out, opens to the public this week. What do you think?Read more...

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Authorities in Spain and Portugal found a massive stash of cocaine transported inside hollowed-out pineapples during a raid that also took down nine gang members responsible for the criminal operation. What do you think?Read more...

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CHICAGO—Recalling how the former classmate would ruthlessly prey on insecurities, sources confirmed Monday that the girl who repeatedly called you a slut in high school was posting a passionate Facebook status about the Women’s March. “I had the most amazing time out there with my sisters, and it really proved that…Read more...

SAN BRUNO, CA—Touting the prestigious addition to their comedy portfolio, executives from YouTube announced Monday that a 47-second clip from the third season of Family Ties is now available on their video-sharing website. “We’re so proud to bring to the viewing public this iconic moment in which Alex P. Keaton leaps…Read more...

PITTSBURGH—Expressing how inspired she was by the images from the gathering, local mom Susan Krieps told her daughter on the phone Monday that she had seen a bunch of photos from the 2018 Women’s March online. “Wow, there were so many women there,” said Krieps, recounting how she had scrolled through a slideshow one…Read more...

COLLEGE PARK, MD—Calling it the most reliable sign of an at-risk marriage, a study released Monday by the University of Maryland found that uttering the phrase, “Marriage is hard work,” was the number one predictor of divorce. “Our research shows that expressing a sentiment such as, ‘No one said marriage would be…Read more...

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BISMARCK, ND—In what office sources called a bold move, local employee Brian Conlon was apparently confident enough in his job performance Thursday to eat snacks during a meeting. “Wow, he must be pretty certain in his ability to do his job well for him to loudly munch on snacks like that in the middle of the…Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Acknowledging that He had been behaving recklessly that night, God, Our Holy Father, recalled Monday the speedboat accident in 1983 that originally sent Him to heaven. “The last thing I remember was tearing across Lake Winnepesaukah in a Jr. Executive 21 JRV with my buddy Dave and suddenly slamming right…Read more...

A new NASA analysis revealed that—even without warming caused by El Niño—2017 was the second-hottest year since modern record keeping began, and that 17 of the 18 warmest years have happened since 2001. What do you think?Read more...

ATHENS, OH—According to a three-year study published Friday by researchers at the University of Ohio, the first warning sign of alcoholism is usually driving over a curb, plowing through a fire hydrant, and crashing into an oversized aquarium. “That data strongly suggest that the earliest indication you may have a…Read more...

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FOXBOROUGH, MA—Assuring that the team knew exactly what it would take to win, fired-up Patriots players told reporters Sunday they were ready to give a full 60, maybe 70 percent against Jacksonville. “We are pumped for this showdown, and the Jags are going to see two-thirds, maybe three-fourths of our best—if the game…Read more...

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Partially owing to a recent massive tax break, tech giant Apple will return billions of dollars from tax havens to the United States and create an estimated 20,000 new jobs while investing $30 billion in the U.S. economy. What do you think?Read more...

DURHAM, NH—A new study released Friday by researchers at the University of New Hampshire’s Aquatic Institute revealed that lobsters are capable of feeling pain, and, what’s more, get off it on like the sick little fucking perverts they are. “Our experiments confirmed that lobsters are most likely able to experience…Read more...

MONTCLAIR, NJ—Noting the incident had to be seriously messed up to make the regular drinker stop all of a sudden, friends of local man Tom Barrack reported Friday that he must have really fucked shit up over the holidays if he’s doing a sober January. “Tom puts booze away like nobody else, so something really fucking…Read more...

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M Cantina, a restaurant in Dearborn, Michigan, is reportedly selling upscale tacos featuring foie gras, grasshoppers, and shaved black truffle and for $60, with a required 3 taco order that brings a single meal to a minimum of $180. What do you think?Read more...