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on (#6BZEH)
NORCROSS, GA—Stressing that it was his life’s goal to visit every U.S. location of what he referred to as “the best damn fast food dining franchise in the country,” former President Jimmy Carter told reporters Tuesday that he had embarked on a quest to eat at every Taco Bell in America. “There are over 7,000 Taco…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-05-10 03:45 |
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on (#6BZEK)
RALEIGH, NC—Holding an all-hands meeting Tuesday morning to discuss first-quarter performance and set expectations for the rest of the year, local CEO Randall Schmidt reportedly outlined the challenges the company was facing due to his own insatiable greed. “These are tough times, given the economic realities of my…Read more...
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on (#6BZEJ)
AMERICA, FORMER LAND OF THE FREE AND EX-HOME OF THE BRAVE—A hush reportedly spread across the country Tuesday as another star fell from the American flag following a well-attended drag queen brunch. “So for our special today, we have a salmon Benedict, and as always, we have our signature bottomless mimosas,” a server…Read more...
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on (#6BZEM)
MIRAMAR, FL—Adding another option to its budget-friendly travel offerings, Spirit Airlines began providing a new service this week that allows passengers to purchase directions to the nearest bus station for $45. “In keeping with the ultra-low costs our customers have come to expect, Spirit now makes it affordable to…Read more...
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on (#6BZEN)
GREENWOOD, IN—Noting that his decision would likely set the tone for the entire meeting, local man Andy Franklin told reporters Tuesday that he never knew the right moment in a job interview to go in for a kiss. “I hate to say it, but when you meet your interviewer for the first time, that first kiss is such a…Read more...
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on (#6BYY6)
NEW YORK—With the beloved characters joyously sharing the warmth of Yuletide cheer as snow fell gently upon Manhattan, HBO’s hit drama Succession concluded Sunday with the Roy family saving Christmas. “After years of sibling squabbles over who would take the throne at Waystar Royco, the hit series has elegantly stuck…Read more...
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on (#6BYY7)
NORFOLK, VA—Gathering their children for what they described as a difficult but important discussion that every family like theirs must have, local white conservative parents Brian and Marie Fortner sat their son and daughter down for a tough conversation about seeing a Black character in a movie. “One day you might…Read more...
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on (#6BYY8)
After threatening boycotts of companies and violence against retail workers, conservatives explain why they’re so triggered by products celebrating Pride Month.Read more...
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on (#6BYY9)
Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R) bid $100,000 to win a tube of cherry Chapstick used by Speaker Kevin McCarthy at a short GOP fundraising auction held during a break from debt ceiling negotiations. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BY2E)
CORVALLIS, OR—After insisting that her husband and children put away their devices while they were at the table, local mom Lana Pickens explained to reporters Monday that her family had a rule about never eating cell phones at dinner. “This is the one time of day when we’re all able to be together, so it’s important…Read more...
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on (#6BY1Z)
NEW CANAAN, CT—Sources familiar with the man’s role in his child’s life confirmed to reporters Monday that local dad Marcus Weir’s parenting strategy is solely focused on ensuring his son doesn’t become a New York Yankees fan. Beginning shortly after his son Miles’ birth nine years ago, Weir reportedly concentrated…Read more...
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on (#6BY20)
MOBILE, AL—Stumbling around and shouting to anyone who was willing to listen, the nation’s visibly intoxicated dive bar couples held a press conference Monday to announce their plan to sloppily make out with each other after engaging in a screaming match. “We are here today to fucking let all y’all fucking know that…Read more...
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on (#6BXY0)
Ron DeSantis launched his 2024 presidential campaign in an online Twitter Spaces event with Elon Musk that was marred by 25 minutes of technical glitches where the audio stream crashed repeatedly, making it impossible for most users to hear the new presidential candidate in real time. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BXXC)
PORT ARANSAS, TX—Suspecting the worst, local man Daniel Koleva reportedly spent several panicked moments during his beach trip Friday worried that his wife, Bethany Koleva, hadn’t surfaced for air yet because she was cheating on him. “There’s no reason for her to be down there that long unless she’s seeing someone…Read more...
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on (#6BXXD)
NEW YORK—Pointing out possible clues hidden in the lyrics, Taylor Swift fans were reportedly speculating Friday who the pop star might be talking about in her new song “My Weird Little Racist Guy.” “The line about him being ‘really creepy’ totally made me think John Mayer or Taylor Lautner, but then she sings about…Read more...
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on (#6BXXE)
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Touting the product as the best solution for those suffering from chronic dry skin, Aveeno reportedly unveiled on Friday a new moisture-locking facial breading treatment. “The Aveeno Breading Spa kit keeps your skin healthy and hydrated all day long using a proprietary blend of all-purpose flour,…Read more...
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on (#6BXP7)
STANFORD, CA—During the muted celebration that followed a successful experiment expected to revolutionize the field of bioengineering, scientists at Stanford University expressed ambivalence Friday about the breakthrough technology they used to bring Adolf Hitler back to life. “I’m proud of our team’s efforts and the…Read more...
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on (#6BXP8)
ARLINGTON, VA—Scrambling to tab away from the social media feed he had been scrolling through mere moments before, local military contractor Todd Roose reportedly took out a few Syrian civilians Thursday to seem busy as his supervisor walked by. “Oh shoot—hey boss! Yeah, just knocking out a few bombings in the…Read more...
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on (#6BXNB)
Amazon founder Jeff Bezos and his partner, former broadcast journalist Lauren Sánchez, are engaged four years after his high-profile divorce from billionaire philanthropist MacKenzie Scott. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BXND)
PLAINS, GA—Pumping his fists in the air while racing across the finish line, former President Jimmy Carter reportedly ran a four-minute mile Thursday. “I took up jogging right around the time I entered hospice care because the doctors thought it would be good for my health,” said Carter, who attributed his ability to…Read more...
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on (#6BXMJ)
WASHINGTON—Shelling out $55 for the loving tribute, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) reportedly took out a half-page ad in a House bill Friday to congratulate a local teen girl on her high school graduation. “Congrats, Kayla, so proud of you, punkin!” read the Republican lawmaker’s ad, which featured hearts, flowers, and the…Read more...
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on (#6BXCY)
Researchers examining the Great Barrier Reef have discovered the coral is infested with a bacteria closely related to chlamydia, which scientists say could help them understand the coral microbiome and its potential impact on coral reef health. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BXCC)
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Attempting his formal announcement again in an effort to compensate for last night’s glitch-ridden debacle on Twitter, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis reportedly relaunched his presidential campaign Thursday from inside a burning Tesla. “America deserves a president who won’t cave to wokeness and will…Read more...
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on (#6BXCD)
MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Bowing to the demands of the pro-moist movement, Target reportedly removed all towels from stores Thursday after a soaking-wet lunatic objected to dryness. “We apologize to the sopping individual who felt angry and threatened by our promotion of dryness,” said Target CEO Brian Cornell, explaining that…Read more...
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on (#6BXBE)
CLEARWATER, FL—Hoping that she had done enough to obtain one of the coveted feminine hygiene products, local Florida woman Jessica Calderon filled out a 25-page application Thursday in order to receive a tampon from a dispenser. “Let’s see, I’ve filled out my personal information and my medical history, now I just…Read more...
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on (#6BX7H)
South Carolina Sen. Tim Scott announced his candidacy for the 2024 Republican presidential nomination on Monday, becoming the sixth member of his party to officially enter the race. Here’s what you need to know about Tim Scott:
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on (#6BX7J)
ST. LOUIS—In an effort to distance itself from a controversial marketing campaign featuring a transgender influencer, Anheuser-Busch confirmed Thursday that all cans of Bud Light beer had undergone gay conversion therapy. “As of today, all of our Bud Light cans, bottles, and kegs have been fully cleansed of all traces…Read more...
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on (#6BX7K)
A new report found that nearly 2,000 children were abused by more than 450 Catholic priests in Illinois. A number of priests were willing to defend the Catholic Church amid the sex abuse scandal, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6BX35)
AKRON, OH—Shushing everyone as a passage linking two sections of the song began, area man Brandon Debner reportedly revealed Wednesday that he was always ready to comment on a song’s bridge. “Oh man, you’re gonna lose your mind when this bridge hits,” said Debner, playing air guitar as he explained in extreme detail…Read more...
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on (#6BX36)
WAUKEGAN, IL—Explaining that she wasn’t so good with all the technology that was out there these days, local grandmother Beatrice Rowland asked her grandson Dan Larkin for help looking up Rule 34 images, sources confirmed Thursday. “Honey, could you help me find a nice picture of Tom and Jerry sixty-nining? I want to…Read more...
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on (#6BX37)
LOS ANGELES—Expanding the products offered by his lifestyle brand Twentynine Palms, actor Jared Leto announced Thursday the release of a new skincare line for him to rub on all over everyone himself. “Our latest line of skincare features all-natural, botanical ingredients that fully activate when I massage them into…Read more...
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on (#6BX38)
BILLINGS, MT—With tears in their eyes as they gazed at the room, local childless couple Harrison and Kylie Neubauer reportedly watched an empty crib Wednesday from the doorway. “Look at it. It’s so peaceful,” said Kylie Neubauer, who came rushing to the room after hearing the most adorable radio silence on the baby…Read more...
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on (#6BWTF)
A driver has been arrested on charges of threatening to kill or harm the president, vice president, or their family members after he allegedly plowed a U-Haul truck into security barriers near the White House while carrying a Nazi flag. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BWP5)
LUBBOCK, TX—Admitting that he assumed the guy was waving his gun at him, local man Jeffrey Regis confirmed Wednesday that he was embarrassed after taking a bullet intended for the person behind him. “Oh my god, I’m such an idiot—I totally thought those shots he fired were meant to go into my chest, skull, and arm,”…Read more...
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on (#6BWJD)
The NAACP issued a travel advisory for Florida, urging people to avoid the state due to Republican Gov. Ron DeSantis’ “aggressive attempts to erase Black history and to restrict diversity, equity and inclusion programs” in the state’s schools. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BWH6)
WASHINGTON—According to the results of a new study released Wednesday by the Pew Research Center, the average American considers biting a stranger three times a day. “We found that nearly 90% of American adults experience the uncontrollable urge to sink their teeth into the leg, arm, or face of a person they do not…Read more...
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on (#6BWH7)
SAN DIEGO—Feeling heartbroken and betrayed by his failure of her spontaneous pop quiz, local woman Sadie Vidale was reportedly fighting with her boyfriend Neal Jones on Thursday after he admitted he did not even know her dad’s eye color. “We’ve been together nearly two years, and you don’t even know the color of his…Read more...
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on (#6BWH8)
The Onion asked Americans why real, red-blooded men have been relegated to the dregs of society and replaced by weak-willed, feminine cucks.Read more...
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on (#6BWH9)
TALLAHASSEE, FL—In a sweeping effort to curtail what he called “woke gender ideology,” Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis signed a new bill into law Wednesday banning men from becoming nurses. “Imagine how disturbed a child would be at the doctor’s office if a nurse stepped into the room to take their temperature and it was a…Read more...
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