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on (#6BW8D)
After the Denver Nuggets swept the Los Angeles Lakers in the NBA’s Western Conference finals, LeBron James said he was uncertain about his future. The Onion asked professional athletes what they thought about the rumored retirement, and this is what they said.Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-05-13 16:30 |
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on (#6BW80)
NEW YORK—Exploring the touching stories that unfold following the sudden death of a beloved mother and wife, every short film showing at this year’s Tribeca Film Festival is about a widowed father learning to braid his daughter’s hair, sources confirmed Tuesday. All 76 short films featured in this year’s lineup are…Read more...
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on (#6BW79)
NEW YORK—Calling the rebranding an exciting way to unite its programming under one banner, streaming service HBO Max changed its name Tuesday to The Sloppy Sleepytime Television Engine: All Aboard! “Iconic series, unforgettable films, and the best reality television in the world—it’s all here on The Sloppy Sleepytime…Read more...
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on (#6BVQD)
Chick-fil-A’s first-ever restaurant, located in a mall in Atlanta, GA, has closed after more than half a century in business. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BVPJ)
DARMSTADT, GERMANY—Finding a potential root cause for a problem that has greatly perplexed scientists, a new report published Tuesday in the Journal Of Applied Entomology has linked dwindling global insect populations to this one pale weird kid. “We have seen a massive die-off of insects, a phenomenon that could…Read more...
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on (#6BVPK)
SAN JOSE, CA—Saying she felt insulted and completely disrespected, area houseguest Laura Dempster told reporters Tuesday she was offended when her host, Paul Pulte, only offered rawhide to her dog. “Call me petty, but I found it incredibly rude that Paul would give the dog a rawhide and snub me,” said Dempster,…Read more...
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on (#6BVPN)
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Expressing concern that he might have played up his facility with witchcraft and dark magic at the expense of other qualifications, local man Timothy Sellers told reporters Tuesday that he might have mentioned sorcery a few too many times during a recent job interview. “It seemed to go pretty well,…Read more...
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on (#6BVNZ)
CHICAGO—In a bombshell report that revealed that Playboy Magazine had falsified several famous quotes from the civil rights leader in 1965, new evidence revealed Tuesday that Martin Luther King Jr. never called Malcom X a “butterface.” “While it’s widely perceived that there was a deep rift between the two, not once …Read more...
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on (#6BVP0)
Vivek Ramaswamy, a 37-year-old entrepreneur and self-proclaimed nationalist, made waves by launching his campaign for the 2024 Republican presidential primary. The Onion asked voters how they felt about the GOP candidate, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6BVDT)
A new study has found that New York City is sinking 1 to 2 millimeters each year in part due to the extraordinary weight of its skyscrapers, worsening the flooding threat posed to the metropolis from rising seas. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BVBD)
With confrontations between civilians and police officers on the rise nationwide, many precincts citizens alike hope de-escalation training is the solution to mitigating the dangerous situation. Can you answer some of the questions commonly given to officers about how to diffuse conflicts?Read more...
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on (#6BVBE)
CHICAGO—Saying there was nothing they’d wanted more in their entire lives, representatives from the Shedd Aquarium announced Monday that they’d trade it all for a single dog. “We’re proud to be home to more than 1,500 different species of aquatic animals, but at the end of the day, we’d rather have something that…Read more...
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on (#6BV68)
COLUMBUS, OH—Describing a workplace where the 24-year-old used her knowledge of her coworkers to quietly pull the strings, sources confirmed Monday that the entire staff of Wellesley Enterprises was under the thumb of low-level employee Caroline Mayer, who stayed sober at every happy hour. According to reports, the…Read more...
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Michelle Obama Reveals Drone Warfare Played Large Part In Her And Barack’s Psychosexual Relationship
on (#6BV67)
WASHINGTON—Recalling the uncontrollable erotic pleasure she experienced while watching her husband coordinate an airstrike, Michelle Obama revealed to reporters Monday that drone warfare played a large part in her and Barack Obama’s psychosexual relationship. “While my love story with Barack is incredibly complicated,…Read more...
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on (#6BV69)
WASHINGTON—In response to the ongoing loneliness epidemic in the United States, Surgeon General Vivek Murthy warned Americans Monday that they should avoid becoming so lonely that they cry a little when someone washes their hair at the salon. “Whenever possible, we highly recommend preventing an escalation of any…Read more...
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on (#6BV52)
The Onion asked Americans how they felt about the live-action remake of the movie where a teenage fish girl marries a human prince, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6BTB3)
WASHINGTON—Thrown into a panic when the confused 89-year-old appeared on the Senate floor randomly pointing a firearm at various colleagues, lawmakers reportedly freaked out Friday after Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) got her hands on a gun. “Good God, someone get that thing away from her!” said Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV),…Read more...
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on (#6BTA7)
The Walt Disney Co. canceled plans for a billion-dollar office complex in Florida that was set to bring thousands of jobs to the region as the company and Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis continue their ongoing feud. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BTA8)
SAINT PETER PORT, UK—Indicating that the passenger liner was unlikely to ever sail again, a full 3D scan conducted by deepwater seabed mapping company Magellan revealed Friday that the Titanic was completely ruined. “Unfortunately, after several exhaustive high-resolution, 360-degree scans of the famous ship, it’s…Read more...
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on (#6BTA9)
MANASSAS, VA—Claiming that the gift was simply a gesture of kindness rather than an ethics violation, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas stated Friday that there was nothing wrong with a wealthy donor renting out an entire D.C.-area water park just for him. “One friend is allowed to treat another friend to a nice,…Read more...
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on (#6BTAA)
FORT WALTON BEACH, FL—Declaring himself the best choice for the class of 2023, Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz (R) officially announced Friday his run for McArthur High School prom king. “No one has spent more time in high schools than I have, and therefore, I believe that I’m the most qualified to lead as prom king at this…Read more...
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on (#6BT98)
“Of all the epidemics I’ve exaggerated to increase public sympathy for the police, fentanyl is one of the most fun.”Read more...
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on (#6BT5S)
SEDALIA, MO—Explaining that the decision to do so would be completely selfish and cruel, local couple Aaron and Jill Shulevich told reporters Friday they were choosing not to have kids because they couldn’t fathom bringing a child into a world with so many Marvel movies. “The cinematic universe is increasing at an…Read more...
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on (#6BT42)
BRISTOL, CT—Launching into a lengthy rant about the suspended Memphis Grizzlies point guard during an episode of First Take Thursday evening, ESPN commentator Stephen A. Smith blasted Ja Morant for poor gun-handling fundamentals. “This was the sloppiest pistol work I’ve ever seen, plain and simple,” said Smith,…Read more...
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on (#6BT39)
Some members of the scientific community claim that pigs are among the smartest mammals, rivaling dogs, chimpanzees, and even toddler-aged humans. In fact, people seem to fall all over themselves to declare pigs “intelligent” for accomplishing the most menial tasks, such as puzzle-solving and recognizing themselves in…Read more...
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on (#6BT2B)
A new study published in the journal Frontiers in Pediatrics found a significant decrease in birth weight of 154 grams in babies of women who smoked marijuana during the first trimester, with such decreases in weight being linked to health problems as children grow. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BT2D)
DEKALB, IL—Saying the change was long overdue and would make the workplace a more welcoming environment for many female employees, local marketing services firm UpVision designated a special room Friday where women could moan in pain. “Starting today, any and all women who are currently experiencing extreme discomfort…Read more...
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on (#6BT2E)
If you live in America, chances are that you either know someone who has experienced a mass shooting or have experienced one yourself. The Onion asked survivors what it’s like to endure a mass shooting, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6BSV7)
Prince Harry, his wife Meghan, and her mother were involved in a “near catastrophic” car chase with paparazzi photographers in New York after an event, drawing some parallels with the high-speed Paris car chase that killed his mother Princess Diana in 1997. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BSV8)
WASHINGTON—Warning a Senate panel this week that the rapidly advancing technology could “cause significant harm to the world,” OpenAI CEO Sam Altman predicted that artificial intelligence would one day give birth to twins whose names would be God and Satan. “One will fight to save the world, the other will try to…Read more...
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on (#6BSTE)
MOSCOW—Pausing their foreplay to haphazardly look around for a prophylactic, Russian president Vladimir Putin reportedly told his girlfriend Thursday that he has been hit with serious sanctions on condoms. “I’m sorry, babe, these sanctions keep getting more and more extreme,” said the longtime leader currently in the…Read more...
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on (#6BSTF)
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Stunned and outraged by the results of the Jacksonville mayoral race, Florida Democrats reportedly demanded a recount Thursday after insisting they lost the election. “The Democratic Party condemns our victory, and rest assured, we will not let it stand,” said Mayor-elect Donna Deegan, who confirmed…Read more...
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on (#6BSSF)
SPRINGFIELD, VA—Saying the program represented a significant value for frequent fliers, Transportation Security Administration officials announced Friday the debut of TSA+, a service that allows its members to pat down any of their fellow air travelers standing in the security line. “Once you’ve paid the $79…Read more...
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on (#6BSK6)
CHICAGO—In a full-blown panic just moments after realizing he had ejaculated inside of his girlfriend, local man Braden Twigg reportedly rushed to CVS Thursday to also impregnate the pharmacist. “Don’t worry, I’m running out to the store right now,” said Twigg, assuring his partner he would be right back as he…Read more...
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on (#6BSK7)
CINCINNATI—Confirming that the enlightening weekend experience had left her with “a total change of heart,” J.K. Rowling announced Thursday that she was no longer transphobic after attending the Cincinnati Pride Parade and Festival and winning a free cell phone charger from the booth of a bisexual real estate agent.…Read more...
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on (#6BSJJ)
MrBeast, also known as Jimmy Donaldson, is a YouTuber known for his large, expensive stunts and unique brand of philanthropy. With over 153 million subscribers, he has an extremely loyal fan base. Here are a few things you should never say to one of them.Read more...
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on (#6BSJK)
WASHINGTON—Claiming that historians have unfairly vilified the 20th-century German dictator and misrepresented his role in the far-right political party, many conservative pundits and activists argue that Adolf Hitler’s Nazi allegiances have been greatly exaggerated. “Just because Hitler was Führer and Chancellor of…Read more...
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on (#6BSBR)
With summer around the corner, Americans will be taking more trips, and studies show that those trips increasingly include their pets. The Onion provides helpful tips for traveling with your pet.Read more...
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on (#6BSA8)
According to a new survey, nearly a quarter of Americans say they used to follow a different religious tradition or denomination than the one they practice now, a percentage that appears to be growing in response to disagreements over issues like LGBTQ+ rights. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BS7F)
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Letting out a bone-chilling scream at the sight of the Disney princess, Gov. Ron DeSantis reportedly ran crying out of a child’s birthday party Wednesday after a surprise visit from Elsa. “No! I want to go now!” the sobbing prospective 2024 presidential candidate said at a backyard birthday gathering…Read more...
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