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The Onion
| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-05-09 15:30 |
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on (#6C279)
“I don’t want my 18-year-old daughter being exposed to the concept of respect.”Read more...
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on (#6C26G)
TALLAHASSEE, FL—In an effort to keep the state’s students from being exposed to inappropriate content, the Florida Board of Education announced Monday that it had banned any mention of the outside world. “Starting immediately, teachers are forbidden from acknowledging that anything exists other than the state of…Read more...
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on (#6C26H)
CHATTANOOGA, TN—Admitting that they gave themselves fully over to the heat of the moment, local Christian couple Ben Higgins and Miranda Franklin reportedly ended a blowout fight Monday with a round of passionate makeup abstinence. “I have to say, disagreements like these are almost always worth it for the hot makeup…Read more...
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on (#6C26J)
BOSTON—Smiling contentedly after flipping off a bicyclist, local man Arthur Graham reported Monday that his only remaining source of pleasure is being mad in the car. “These days, nothing brings me joy quite like laying on my horn the first millisecond a light turns green, before the car in front of me even has time…Read more...
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on (#6C26K)
A man has been arrested for opening an emergency exit door on a commercial flight as it was landing in South Korea, telling police that he felt suffocated and was trying to get off the plane quickly. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6C19G)
NATIONAL HARBOR, MD—In a sternly worded condemnation that took the 14-year-old to task for violating the rules to obtain an unfair advantage, the 2023 Scripps National Spelling Bee winner Dev Shah was disqualified Friday when it was confirmed he had received in advance all 26 letters needed to spell the words.…Read more...
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on (#6C19H)
SINGAPORE—Insisting that he didn’t know how they had made such a simple mistake, an embarrassed U.S. Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin reportedly excused himself from the Shangri-La Dialogue Asian defense summit Friday after realizing America was not in Asia. “Oh God, sorry about that, we’re not even in the right…Read more...
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on (#6C19J)
A new report revealed that the Denver Nuggets mascot, Rocky the Mountain Lion, is the NBA’s highest-paid mascot, taking home $625,000 a year, almost 10 times that of the average $60,000 salary for a league mascot. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6C19K)
MINNEAPOLIS—Responding to conservative backlash over a large selection of offerings for the month of June, Target announced Friday that they would scale back their gay pride section to a single t-shirt, saying they’d do a threesome with a girl for their boyfriend’s birthday. “It’s a one-night-only thing, and we’ll…Read more...
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on (#6C18A)
ATLANTA—The heavily anticipated fight between the former U.S. president and the YouTube personality ended in a TKO Thursday night as Jimmy Carter won his debut boxing match against Jake Paul. The cruiserweight match, first announced in early April, pitted the 6-foot-1, 191-pound Paul against the 5-foot-10, 190-pound…Read more...
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on (#6C17C)
SAN JOSE, CA—Cheering with open arms and smiling faces tilted upward, the world reportedly rejoiced Friday as a new batch of billionaires descended from the sky. “Joyous day! A new batch of elite billionaires comes from on high to bless us with their presence!” said local woman Patty Boyle, speaking on behalf of the…Read more...
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on (#6C15Y)
NEW YORK—Showcasing what it touted as “the cutting edge of pork” to an audience of industry bigwigs and assorted VIPs, deli meat supplier Boar’s Head held an exhibition Friday to show off its new chrome-plated concept ham. “This visionary ham of the future gives you a conceptual understanding of where we’re headed,…Read more...
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on (#6C12A)
PASADENA, CA—Noting that his initial booking didn’t say anything about the additional charge, local man Patrick Reyes told reporters Friday he was annoyed when his Airbnb bill included a survival fee. “What the hell, they just charged me $129.99 out of nowhere and said that unless I paid, I wouldn’t be allowed to…Read more...
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on (#6C11M)
BETHESDA, MD—Adjusting revenue expectations in light of resilient demand for massacring those who just want to live their lives, defense contractor Lockheed Martin boosted its earnings outlook in a conference call with investors Friday, citing billions of innocent people still left to kill. “Given that the total…Read more...
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on (#6C11N)
JERUSALEM—Shedding new light on the religious leader’s personal life, historians announced the discovery of new evidence Friday that suggests Jesus Christ made an annoying smacking sound after every sip of wine. “We’ve recovered a portion of a previously unexamined ancient text that details Jesus of Nazareth blessing…Read more...
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on (#6C11Q)
Though it is not FDA-approved for weight loss, Ozempic, an injectable drug used to treat diabetes, has helped users shit and puke away the pounds. These are things that you should never say to someone taking Ozempic.Read more...
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on (#6C0WN)
DENVER—Asked for his comments on playing in his first NBA Finals, Denver Nuggets center Nikola Jokic told reporters Thursday night that he found basketball boring. “I do not find this sport very interesting at all,” said Jokic, adding that he was actually disappointed that the Nuggets reached the Finals, because there…Read more...
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on (#6C0TB)
NEW YORK—Amid reports that Kim Cattrall’s beloved character would appear in season two of And Just Like That…, fans were reportedly divided Thursday after it was confirmed that Samantha Jones would return to the Sex And The City franchise as a cybernetic assassin. “Samantha has always been my favorite character, so…Read more...
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on (#6C0TC)
BOSTON—Following a meltdown in the Eastern Conference Finals that saw his team lose the crucial Game 7 by 19 points to the eighth-seeded Miami Heat, local Boston Celtics fan Tim Atkinson told reporters Thursday that he didn’t have the slurs to describe his disappointment. “Watching how badly Jaylen [Brown] and Jayson…Read more...
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on (#6C0TD)
ATLANTA—Urging customers to eat the book cover to cover, a new diversity, equity, and inclusion initiative introduced Thursday by fast food chain Chick-fil-A replaced all chicken with copies of How To Be An Anti-Racist. “In an effort to elevate historically marginalized voices in our country, we have swapped out our…Read more...
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on (#6C0SG)
CHARLESTON, SC—Opening up on the campaign trail about his personal experiences of overcoming adversity, an emotional Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC) told supporters Thursday about a time he was followed through the aisles of a Walgreens just for being Republican. “As soon as I walked in the door, the employees looked me up and…Read more...
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on (#6C0SH)
Scientists and tech industry execs are sounding the alarm about artificial intelligence, writing in a new public statement that fast-evolving AI technology could create as high a risk of killing off humankind as nuclear war and Covid-19-like pandemics. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6C0RS)
BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Following reports that the 83-year-old actor was expecting a child with his girlfriend, Al Pacino told reporters Thursday that he was excited to spend his life watching his baby grow up to be a toddler. “I’m going to be there for all of it, from the first smile and laugh, all the way to the first…Read more...
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on (#6C0RT)
Gay pride marches and parades will be held this weekend across the United States as LGBT Pride Month draws to a close. Here are some local gay pride celebrations throughout the country.Read more...
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on (#605TV)
June is Pride Month, and with it comes a variety of essays, meditations, and musings on the month’s meaning, as well as on LGBTQ+ history in America writ large. The Onion sifts through the many essays published by lesser news organizations to find the smartest and most worthwhile reflections on Pride Month.
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on (#6C0P3)
The Onion asked men—the world’s foremost experts on asking permission, listening, and respecting boundaries—what the word consent means, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6C0HQ)
CHICAGO—Following a widely shared post that sparked debate and confusion among online factions of every stripe, the internet was reportedly divided Thursday over a video that documented a Black cop shooting a white cop for choking out a racist white woman who had just called the police on some Black teenagers. “This…Read more...
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on (#6C0HR)
SAN MATEO, CA—After spending the past three decades of his life being totally unable and unwilling to engage in any meaningful way with the world around him, James Parker, a local guy who sucks at being a person, told reporters Thursday that he saw huge potential in AI. “While it’s still in its early phase, artificial…Read more...
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on (#6C0G2)
A beluga whale that turned up in Norway wearing a harness in 2019, prompting speculation it was a spy trained by the Russian navy, has reappeared off Sweden’s coast. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6C0G4)
SANFORD, ME—Explaining that society’s stance on human morals had varied greatly even over his own lifetime, local man Greg Handley, 46, reportedly asked, “Who knows what future generations might judge us for?” Thursday as he abducted another child to strangle in his basement. “You just can’t drive yourself crazy…Read more...
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on (#6C076)
Congress is debating an 11th-hour compromise plan on the nation’s debt ceiling that would stave off a U.S. default. The Onion looks back at the history and crises of one of America’s most sacred institutions.
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on (#6C077)
Russia’s Interior Ministry has issued an arrest warrant for Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) after he praised U.S. military aid to Ukraine as “the best money we’ve ever spent.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#67Z1J)
The artificially intelligent chatbot ChatGPT has recently taken the internet by storm, with both praise and concern for its capability to mimic human writing. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about ChatGPT.Read more...
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on (#6C04W)
THE HEAVENS—Following an incident in which the Lord fanned His tongue and yelled ‘Ow, ow, ow!’ after being a little too hasty to partake of the molten rock, heavenly sources reported Wednesday that God Almighty had burned His mouth upon taking a big swig of volcano. “Obviously, if I’d had a small sip of it first, I…Read more...
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on (#6C02S)
NEW YORK—In a decision that shields the former owners of Purdue Pharma from personal liability for America’s opioid crisis, the 2nd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled Wednesday that members of the Sackler family could still go to heaven. “It is our determination that the Sacklers should receive immunity from…Read more...
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on (#6BZZZ)
HIGH POINT, FL—A new report released Thursday by the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau found that more hospitals were requiring patients to put a body part down as collateral before receiving services. “It can be anything from a pinky toe to a vital organ, but we need something to ensure that the patient’s…Read more...
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on (#6BZZ7)
WASHINGTON—Calling the epithet a deeply painful way of talking about another human being, former President Barack Obama reportedly killed himself Wednesday after learning about the “President Obummer” nickname. “My Lord, have people really been calling me this the entire time?” said the former commander in chief, who…Read more...
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on (#6BZZ9)
A Kentucky man is facing criminal charges after police say he shot his roommate for eating the last Hot Pocket. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BZZA)
MARIETTA, GA—Admitting that a grave miscalculation had been made about the suspect’s age, the Marietta Police Department confirmed it put an officer on leave Wednesday after he shot a 9-year-old boy who he thought was actually a 10-year-old boy. “At approximately 8 a.m., an officer opened fire on a young boy who he…Read more...
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on (#6BZZB)
The Onion asked several of the smartest, richest, and most powerful business leaders on planet Earth how they felt being accused of “greedflation,” and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6BZYD)
WASHINGTON—Recommending that U.S. citizens exercise extreme caution if they plan to make the trip, the State Department issued a travel warning Wednesday for every American visiting Chili’s. “The travel advisory for the family restaurant specializing in American and Tex-Mex-inspired cuisine has been raised to level 3…Read more...
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