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on (#6C71S)
SAN JOSE, CA—Marketed with the claim that in just 15 minutes a day the service can completely ruin a person’s life, a new guided mental breakdown app directs users to throw a vase through the nearest window, sources reported Thursday. “Manically exhale as you shatter your antique vase through your living room…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-05-09 13:45 |
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on (#6C71T)
Originally invented in 1965, pickleball has exploded in popularity in the last three years after people took up the tennis-like sport during the Covid-19 pandemic. While the sport is relatively new, its players take their game very seriously, and there are a few things you should avoid saying to the estimated 36.5…Read more...
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on (#6C70Z)
Pat Sajak, who has hosted the syndicated game show Wheel Of Fortune for more than 40 years, has announced that he will step down next year. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6C6TD)
Former President Donald Trump pleaded not guilty after he was arrested and booked at a federal courthouse in Florida for allegedly refusing to return classified documents to federal authorities after he left the White House. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6C6PF)
SAVANNAH, GA—Unable to revive the crushed, skeletal remains pulled from the rubble, first responders confirmed Wednesday that two people were still dead after a local mausoleum collapsed. “Upon sifting through the debris, we unfortunately found no survivors among the already deceased,” said rescue worker Brandon…Read more...
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on (#6C6H3)
Whether they’re making love, fornicating, or breeding, Americans love to fuck. The Onion looks at the most popular sexual position in every state.Read more...
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on (#6C6H4)
HOUSTON—Crediting the quick thinking of defense attorneys for ensuring justice was done, authorities announced Wednesday that wrongly convicted death row inmate Michael Claremont had been exonerated mere hours after his execution. “Thanks to the valiant efforts of Mr. Claremont’s legal team, we determined he had…Read more...
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on (#6C6H5)
LOUISVILLE, KY—In an apparent effort to sneak a quick peek at the voluptuous buttocks he spotted out of the corner of his eye, a local man was seen Wednesday turning his head to catch a glimpse of the backside of a duck waddling down the street past him. “Damn, them tail feathers got me weak,” 24-year-old Patrick King…Read more...
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on (#6C6H7)
SEATTLE—Shuddering while listening to the horrifying tale, a group of police officers reportedly were terrified Wednesday by the story of a tape that shows fentanyl and then 7 days later you die. “Apparently there’s this old VHS tape going around that shows grainy footage of a pile of fentanyl pills, and if you watch…Read more...
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on (#6C6H6)
NEW YORK—Announcing what it described as an innovative and empowering new addition to its extensive line of beauty products, cosmetics giant L’Oréal unveiled Wednesday a large metal box its customers could lock themselves inside to hide from all their insecurities. “Say goodbye to every visible blemish and wrinkle…Read more...
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on (#6C6G1)
EMERYVILLE, CA—Announcing that the beloved widower from Up would return to screens this weekend, Pixar Animation Studios confirmed Tuesday that its newest short film featured Carl Fredricksen finally ready to fuck everything in sight. “Fans flocking to movie theaters to see Elemental this weekend will also be treated…Read more...
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on (#450KG)
Violence and crime have been part of American history since the earliest explorers arrived on the continent and killed whoever they found before stealing their land. The Onion looks back at the most notorious criminals in the country’s history.Read more...
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on (#6C661)
Silvio Berlusconi, the billionaire media mogul and former Italian prime minister who transformed the nation’s politics with polarizing policies and gained notoriety for his “bunga bunga” sex parties, died at 86. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6C663)
PALM BEACH, FL—Insisting that it was just another example of the mainstream media lying directly to Americans, former President Donald Trump denied storing documents in his bathroom at Mar-a-Lago Tuesday, stressing that just because a room has a toilet, that doesn’t make it a bathroom. “On the BIASED, DECREPIT CNN,…Read more...
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on (#6C63X)
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Saying in deliberations that either outcome was fine with him, notably chill juror Ron Howley reportedly told the rest of a local jury Tuesday that he was good with whatever the group wanted to do for the verdict. “Guilty, innocent, I’m down for whatever,” said Howley, who told the other 11 jurors he…Read more...
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on (#6C60S)
The fact that racism exists in many forms beyond overt acts of hate has started to gain acceptance in recent years, and some white Americans have begun to grapple with the reality of microaggressions, implicit bias, and systemic oppression. Still, many think they are outside of the problem or are absolved of any…Read more...
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on (#6C600)
TAMPA, FL—Admitting that he could broaden his horizons and set a better example, local Florida liberal Kenneth Banks reportedly pledged Tuesday to burn more books by women. “Overall, people—especially liberals—need to make a conscious effort to burn more books by women,” said Banks, claiming there was a long history…Read more...
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on (#6C5ZB)
KELSO, CA—Not wanting to make the dying man who trudged through the remote Mojave Desert uncomfortable, a local vulture was reportedly trying Tuesday to find a good way to circle without being rude. “I should avoid being too conspicuous, because I’d hate to make this guy feel self-conscious,” said the 5-year-old…Read more...
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on (#6C5ZC)
CUPERTINO, CA—Offering consumers a glimpse at the device’s full potential, Apple released a new ad for its new Vision Pro headset Tuesday showing a user standing chest-deep in flood waters while using the device to watch Ted Lasso. “The future of spatial computing is finally here,” said a voice-over during the…Read more...
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on (#6C5YR)
Scientists have recorded the first known case of a “virgin birth” in a female crocodile that had no contact with males for about 16 years, suggesting its evolutionary ancestors such as the dinosaurs may also have been capable of self-reproduction. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6C5QS)
Former President Donald Trump faces 37 federal counts after being indicted for holding classified documents at his Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida, where he had boxes of records in a bedroom, a ballroom, and next to a toilet. The Onion has gained exclusive access to the contents of those documents and the national…Read more...
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on (#6C5QA)
A 37-count criminal indictment against Donald Trump was unsealed Friday, revealing allegations that the former president willfully retained classified government records and conspired to prevent their return to U.S. officials. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6C5NY)
BUTNER, NC—Gathering in a circle as they admired the neatly wrapped package, prison officials confirmed Monday that they had found a beautiful present left for them in the late Ted Kaczynski’s cell. “Well, how splendid—he left us a little farewell gift,” said correctional officer Sean Arndt, who expressed his delight…Read more...
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on (#6C5NZ)
WASHINGTON—Insisting that he had done nearly everything right this time, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg reportedly failed his third consecutive driver’s test Monday. “It’s kind of bullshit, because it was really only the parallel parking part that I screwed up,” said Buttigieg, describing how he always…Read more...
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on (#6C5MW)
NEW HAVEN, CT—During an encounter in which two individuals held it for a brief moment before looking elsewhere, the last-ever eye contact in human history was reportedly made Monday. Body language experts who looked down at the ground as they spoke confirmed that the three seconds in which a supermarket cashier…Read more...
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on (#6C5FA)
MUNCIE, IN—Beginning to regret his decision to pursue that particular field, Ball State University valedictorian Zach Arizmendi told reporters Monday that he thought offers to be a professional valedictorian would come rolling in after graduation. “Considering how many people heard me speak, I thought some companies…Read more...
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on (#6C5FB)
Public breastfeeding continues to become increasingly acceptable as more women decide to embrace motherhood without sacrificing their work or social lives. However, some men are not comfortable with such open displays of caregiving. We spoke to several men about why they believe breastfeeding in public should be…Read more...
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on (#6C5EP)
THE HEAVENS—Stressing the act amounted to spitting directly on His holy edicts, the Lord our God, Divine Creator and Ruler of the Universe, announced Monday that He was still a little pissed off every time a human takes a bite from an apple. “Look, I know they probably don’t mean it, but I never told humanity they…Read more...
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on (#6C5EQ)
The USPS has released data showing the 10 worst “dog bite states” for its workers, with California seeing the most attacks on mail carriers last year with 674 incidents. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6C5ER)
DETROIT—Gazing down with envy at the docking station as it fantasized about how much greater life could be, a local sparrow confirmed Monday it would give up flying in a heartbeat for one ride on a Lime scooter. “Don’t get me wrong, flight’s fine, but zipping around town on one of those things would be awesome,” said…Read more...
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on (#6C4N7)
NEW YORK—Thanking the pathetic individual for helping end a scourge to the city’s streets, the City of New York announced Friday that Timothy Waller, a very sad man, had adopted all 500,000 of its feral cats. “Mr. Waller has gone above and beyond in helping to stem the tide of stray felines by offering to put up…Read more...
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on (#6C4MK)
Christian televangelist Pat Robertson, who helped make religion central to Republican Party politics in America through his Christian Coalition, has died at 93. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6C4KP)
TALLAHASSEE, FL—In an effort to achieve greater equality among a community deeply woven into the fabric of the state’s culture, a new Florida bill signed into law Friday would allow guns to start businesses. “For too long, pistols and semiautomatic rifles have been excluded from full participation in our state’s…Read more...
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on (#6C4KQ)
PALM BEACH, FL—Gritting his teeth as he spoke, former President Donald Trump reportedly said “You better not talk” Friday in a stern warning to one of the classified documents at the center of his recent federal indictment. “I mean it—if you utter so much as one word to the authorities, that’s it for you,” said Trump,…Read more...
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on (#6C4KR)
Despite potentially violating antitrust laws, the PGA Tour and LIV Golf recently announced a planned merger. The Onion asked golf fans and pros what they thought about the merger, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6C4K4)
Following numerous boycotts of companies that show support for the human beings in the LGBTQ community, The Onion asked conservatives to explain how pride has gone too far, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6C4DF)
BETHESDA, MD—According to a new report released Friday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health, the tobacco industry knew about the harmful effects of flicking a lit cigarette into a giant trail of gasoline for years, but chose to remain quiet. “For decades, Big Tobacco knew that tossing just one lit…Read more...
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on (#6C4DG)
WASHINGTON—Casually sweeping a line of picture frames off an entryway table onto the floor with a crash, the bat-wielding goons of an anonymous GOP megadonor reportedly visited Clarence Thomas Friday to remind him that he still owes their employer 500 more rulings. “What’s the hold up, Clarence—did you forget we had a…Read more...
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on (#6C4CG)
LAS VEGAS—Citing a favorable economic climate and a growing fanbase clamoring for more opportunities to watch games, every single professional sports team announced Friday that they are moving to Las Vegas. “We are excited to break ground on our new state-of-the-art football arena right in downtown Las Vegas and give…Read more...
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on (#6C4CH)
LOS ANGELES—Informing the city that the end times were nigh, the Los Angeles Police Department warned Friday that the homeless population was closer than ever to completing a doomsday device that would imperil all of humanity. “The evidence our officers have gathered indicates this city’s homeless people are putting…Read more...
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