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on (#6BPWS)
If you’re near a ‘Karen,’ chances are she’s already called the police and started filming you, so it’s best to avoid saying the following things.Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-05-20 09:15 |
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on (#6BPVG)
BELLINGHAM, WA—Relief spreading through him as he achieved what he had long considered the perfect crime, local man Dylan Gerber secretly watched his own funeral Friday from inside his coffin after faking his own death. “Little do these fools know, I’ll be six feet underground long before they realize I’m not dead,”…Read more...
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on (#6BPVH)
SAN ANTONIO—After noticing a sharp increase in demand in recent months, local school picture day photographer Allison Cummings announced Friday that she would expand her offerings to include large memorial posters. “We’re pleased to let our many Texas clients know they can now order a 26-by-34 memorial poster board of…Read more...
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on (#6BPVJ)
OTTUMWA, IA—Admitting she had a lot of decorating ideas in mind already, soon-to-be mother Diane Varnson announced Tuesday that she would be turning her womb into a personal gym the second her baby moved out. “It’s not a huge space, but with my baby leaving, I’ll finally have the room to put in a treadmill and some…Read more...
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on (#6BP69)
GOFFSTOWN, NH—With critics calling the former president’s highly anticipated town hall a “disgrace” for all involved,” Donald Trump was widely condemned Thursday for giving a platform to CNN. “It was dangerous, irresponsible, and downright disgusting for President Trump to provide CNN with a large national audience…Read more...
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on (#6BP6A)
GOP Rep. George Santos (NY) was arrested on federal charges including stealing public funds, wire fraud, money laundering, and lying to Congress, marking a significant escalation in the many legal and ethical probes Santos has faced since taking office. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BP62)
HOLLYWOOD—Addressing his commitment to performing all his own work in a recent interview, actor and noted Scientologist Tom Cruise explained Thursday how he pulled off the stunt of helping cover up Shelly Miscavige’s disappearance. “The higher-ups always want someone to step in to do this kind of dirty work for me,…Read more...
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on (#6BNQ5)
WASHINGTON—Reeling in the wake of his indictment on 13 federal charges, including wire fraud and money laundering, Rep. George Santos (R-NY) revealed Thursday that he would fund his legal defense by selling official Ray-Bans for 90% off. “These are the real deal and going for much, much cheaper than market price,” the…Read more...
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on (#6BNQ6)
MINNEAPOLIS—Boasting that its latest product would completely eradicate loneliness, Green Giant unveiled a new lettuce Thursday that customers could put a wig on and pretend was their wife. “With Green Giant’s new iceberg lettuce, you don’t just have the makings of a delicious salad—you also have a companion, a lover,…Read more...
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on (#6BNNE)
LOS FRESNOS, TX—Putting in overtime to ensure every person in his custody was thoroughly persecuted, local U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Matthew Reed reportedly stayed at work late Thursday to catch up on his human rights violations. “I don’t know how I’m going to get through this backlog of…Read more...
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on (#6BNK9)
NEWTON, MA—Lending an ear as the young man attempted to convey his innermost feelings through music, area woman Abby Cho was reportedly serenaded outside her home Thursday by her admirer Benjamin Kenilworth, an orchestral gong player. “Abby, if it’s all right, I’d like to play a song for you that’s very special to…Read more...
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on (#6BNKA)
Over the past year, events ranging from widespread social media bans to criminal convictions for seditious conspiracy have left far-right militant group the Proud Boys depleted and demoralized. For readers with acquaintances within the organization’s ranks, here are things to never say to a Proud Boy.Read more...
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on (#6BNKB)
WASHINGTON—Picking up thousands of incapacitated Americans by their wrists and ankles and tossing them down to the sidewalks below, Covid-19 patients were reportedly flung out of hospital windows across the country Thursday as the public emergency officially ended. “Well, thank God that’s over,” said ICU head nurse…Read more...
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on (#6BN1W)
More economically anxious and lonelier than ever, Americans are increasingly returning to movie theaters in hopes of catching the ending before the mass shooting starts. The Onion highlights the most-anticipated films of summer 2023.
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on (#6BMQW)
Dubai has announced the construction of a 3D-printed concrete mosque to accommodate 600 worshippers and cover 2,000 square meters over two floors, with construction planned to begin by the end of year and completed in the first quarter of 2025. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BMEP)
Test your fornication knowledge to see if you can pass a sexual education quiz in post-Roe America.Read more...
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on (#6BME5)
FINDLAY, OH—Calling it a great investment and an important step toward building long-term financial security, first-time homebuyers Adam and Celeste Conley told reporters Wednesday they had purchased a nice starter doorknob. “It’s nothing fancy, but I think a decent brass exterior doorknob is a great way for us to get…Read more...
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on (#6BME6)
WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Wednesday by the Pew Research Center, the majority of Americans don’t trust Donald Trump or Joe Biden to watch their stuff while they are in the bathroom. “Our survey of over 10,000 likely voters found that three quarters of Americans don’t believe President Biden or former…Read more...
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on (#6BMCP)
AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to provide students with everything they need to know about sexual development, sexual intercourse, and pregnancy, an updated sex ed curriculum instituted Wednesday across Texas instructed children how to stone whores. “The new and improved sex education guidelines will provide comprehensive…Read more...
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on (#6BKND)
NEW YORK—As she regrouped with her handler to rethink their strategy, the Pekingese Rum Dum, 2, was seen panting excessively and trying to catch her breath as the finals of the Westminster Dog Show entered double overtime Tuesday. “Tonight, we leave nothing on the floor—nothing—do you understand me, Rummie?” handler…Read more...
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on (#6BKNE)
CHICAGO—In an effort to boost confidence and improve the overall experience for commuters, the Chicago Transit Authority announced plans Tuesday to begin hosing train cars down with fresh piss. “We are proud to introduce a new initiative that will see our trains become the most piss-drenched in the country,” said CTA…Read more...
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on (#6BK4W)
SAN FRANCISCO—Emphasizing that it was only offering an opinion and any choice made would be acceptable, a little voice reportedly whispered, “…or you could just get takeout,” Tuesday despite already knowing it had won. “Just offering my two cents here, but it’s been a tough day at work, and there’s always pad Thai…Read more...
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on (#6BK31)
The World Health Organization declared an end to Covid-19 as a global health emergency, marking a major step toward the end of the pandemic that has killed more than 6.9 million people, disrupted the global economy, and ravaged communities. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BJD0)
Charles III was crowned King of the United Kingdom in Westminster Abbey on Saturday in his coronation ceremony, making him the oldest monarch ever to take the throne at 74 years old. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BJA2)
AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to streamline the job search process, employment website Indeed reportedly launched a new feature Monday allowing users to sort its listings by the amount of exploitation. “Finding the perfect career match has never been easier with new search filters from Indeed that allow you to sort jobs…Read more...
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on (#6BJAT)
CHICAGO—Following an investigation from the U.S. Department of Labor, McDonald’s was under fire Monday for reportedly employing a 7-year-old Grimace. “We discovered this young Grimace late one night at McDonald’s, working all alone, without breaks or even pay,” said department spokesperson Layla Perkins, who slammed…Read more...
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on (#6BJA3)
If you know someone who’s a fan of Louder With Crowder host and world-class husband Steven Crowder, here are the things you should never say to them.Read more...
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on (#6BJ8A)
ALLEN, TX—In the hours following a violent rampage in Texas in which a lone attacker killed eight and injured seven, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Monday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible…Read more...
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on (#6BJ1E)
PASCO, WA—Identifying a single impediment to his future success, local man Greg Dempsey told reporters Monday that the only thing holding him back from achieving his full potential was his lack of a monkey sidekick. “There’s a world of opportunities out there that I would be able to take advantage of if only I had a…Read more...
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on (#6BGK3)
LONDON—Saying the performance would add a dash of rock and roll to the regal procession, royal sources announced Saturday that King Charles’ coronation would also serve as the first gig for the garage band Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex, had formed with several other neighborhood dads. “Before Prince William pays…Read more...
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on (#6BG9W)
NEW YORK—Concluding a protracted legal battle in which the popular singer-songwriter stood accused of plagiarism, a federal jury found Thursday that singer-songwriter Ed Sheeran did not infringe upon anyone’s intellectual property with his song “I Wish I Were An Oscar Mayer Wiener.” “What you need to understand is…Read more...
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on (#6BG2Q)
The Department of Labor has fined three McDonald’s franchisees in Kentucky for employing more than 300 children, with one franchisee having two 10-year-olds working at its locations, without pay, as late as 2 A.M. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BG2R)
WASHINGTON—Expressing annoyance for failing to ask earlier what her colleagues were receiving from benefactors, Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett was reportedly pissed Friday that she’s been doing whatever conservative donors want for just 30 bucks. “I can’t believe no one told me that I could have gotten a lot…Read more...
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on (#6BG12)
ORLANDO, FL—After conducting a study showing the effects of hosting an expansion franchise, the city of Orlando reportedly launched a bid for a Major League Baseball team Friday in an attempt to make the city more unappealing. “With an MLB team in Orlando, we could see hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of…Read more...
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on (#6BFZ2)
LOUISVILLE, KY—After a week in which four horses at the racetrack died—in some cases suddenly and without explanation—Churchill Downs announced Friday that the mysterious deaths were being investigated by a world-renowned horse detective ahead of tomorrow’s Kentucky Derby. “Though on the surface these tragic losses…Read more...
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on (#6BFK5)
ALBUQUERQUE, NM—In a new study confirming a long-held hypothesis about early human societies, a paper published Friday in the Journal Of Anthropological Research concluded that ancient cultures used psychedelics to increase productivity within their startup companies. “In the fifth millennium BCE, workers in the…Read more...
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on (#6BFJJ)
WICHITA, KS—A wistful expression appearing on his face as he recalled the carefree days of his youth, local man Arnold Lesseder told reporters Friday that he could remember when he would play outside unsupervised, get molested, and then come home for dinner. “Back when I was a kid, we didn’t stay cooped up inside…Read more...
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on (#6BFJK)
Following the couple’s high-profile marriage and and ensuing exit from their positions as working royals, Harry and Meghan, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have opened up about what it’s really like to be a member of the royal family. The Onion spoke to the pair about their current projects, parenthood, and life…Read more...
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on (#6BFJM)
BELLEVUE, NE—A cry of anguish escaping her lips as she buried her face in her hands, local mother Patricia Dutton was reportedly heartbroken Friday over the sight of her daughter looking so fat in her casket. “No, no, no—she’s practically bulging out of the thing!” said Dutton, whose shoulders started shaking…Read more...
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on (#6BEZT)
The U.S. General has declared loneliness a public health endemic, saying widespread loneliness in the U.S. poses health risks as deadly as smoking a dozen cigarettes a day and costs the health industry billions of dollars annually. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BEZJ)
WASHINGTON—Frustrations were reportedly mounting among his fellow justices Thursday when Supreme Court oral arguments were once again interrupted by Clarence Thomas receiving a live cheetah as a gift from a donor. “It is the court’s belief that the defendant—oh, come on, Clarence, really? That’s the third one this…Read more...
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