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The Onion
| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-05-20 09:15 |
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on (#6BSK6)
CHICAGO—In a full-blown panic just moments after realizing he had ejaculated inside of his girlfriend, local man Braden Twigg reportedly rushed to CVS Thursday to also impregnate the pharmacist. “Don’t worry, I’m running out to the store right now,” said Twigg, assuring his partner he would be right back as he…Read more...
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on (#6BSK7)
CINCINNATI—Confirming that the enlightening weekend experience had left her with “a total change of heart,” J.K. Rowling announced Thursday that she was no longer transphobic after attending the Cincinnati Pride Parade and Festival and winning a free cell phone charger from the booth of a bisexual real estate agent.…Read more...
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on (#6BSJJ)
MrBeast, also known as Jimmy Donaldson, is a YouTuber known for his large, expensive stunts and unique brand of philanthropy. With over 153 million subscribers, he has an extremely loyal fan base. Here are a few things you should never say to one of them.Read more...
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on (#6BSJK)
WASHINGTON—Claiming that historians have unfairly vilified the 20th-century German dictator and misrepresented his role in the far-right political party, many conservative pundits and activists argue that Adolf Hitler’s Nazi allegiances have been greatly exaggerated. “Just because Hitler was Führer and Chancellor of…Read more...
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on (#6BSBR)
With summer around the corner, Americans will be taking more trips, and studies show that those trips increasingly include their pets. The Onion provides helpful tips for traveling with your pet.Read more...
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on (#6BSA8)
According to a new survey, nearly a quarter of Americans say they used to follow a different religious tradition or denomination than the one they practice now, a percentage that appears to be growing in response to disagreements over issues like LGBTQ+ rights. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BS7F)
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Letting out a bone-chilling scream at the sight of the Disney princess, Gov. Ron DeSantis reportedly ran crying out of a child’s birthday party Wednesday after a surprise visit from Elsa. “No! I want to go now!” the sobbing prospective 2024 presidential candidate said at a backyard birthday gathering…Read more...
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on (#6BS6B)
Trevor Jacob, a 29-year-old YouTuber, pled guilty to a federal charge after he destroyed the wreckage of a plane he intentionally crashed to gain views, admitting to authorities that he planned to crash the plane in a video he made to promote a wallet. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BS2E)
NEW YORK—Noting that “the kid” had some “serious chops” to have already done so much damage, executives confirmed Wednesday that a precocious new Goldman Sachs hire had destroyed 1,000 people’s livelihoods on his first day. “You know, I wasn’t sure about him when we first hired him, but based on the sheer amount of…Read more...
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on (#6BS2F)
After a Florida teacher was accused of indoctrination for showing the animated Disney film Strange World, The Onion asked Florida parents to explain why they oppose schools showing movies with gay characters, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6BS2H)
GREENSBORO, NC—Emphasizing that it was clearly outlined in the latest version of its employee handbook, the Human Resources department of local company Thatcher Inc. confirmed Wednesday that any breast milk pumped on company time must go directly to the CEO. “As you can see in section 5, subsection A, all employees…Read more...
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on (#6BS1T)
The Onion asked men why the alluring, irresistible sight of women’s spandex pants arouses them so much that the garment must be permanently banned, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6BS1W)
SACRAMENTO, CA—Expressing concern that time was running out and she would soon be past her prime, local aging teenager Miranda Ganford told reporters Wednesday that she was beginning to worry she’d never find her Prince Andrew. “Every little girl imagines that someday her Prince Andrew will come, and she’ll be coerced…Read more...
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on (#6BS11)
NEW YORK—Complimenting the quarterback for the speed with which he’d acclimated to their team, members of the New York Jets coaching staff told reporters Wednesday they were impressed by how quickly Aaron Rodgers was complaining about the roster. “It’s amazing to watch how Aaron’s mind works, how rapidly he found at…Read more...
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on (#6BS12)
PORTLAND, ME—Asserting that the correlations were there if you just paid attention, local conspiracy theorist Paul McLaughlin was reportedly convinced Wednesday that the entire universe was connected with God’s abundant love. “Just look around, and you’ll see that this goes all the way to the big guy upstairs,” said…Read more...
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on (#6BRRD)
SARASOTA, FL—Gasping with joy as his father revealed the graduation gift, local wealthy child Scott Hoffman thanked his parents Tuesday after they surprised him with a judge who would let him off the hook for future rape accusations. “Oh man, this is the best present ever—thank you, thank you, thank you Mom and Dad!”…Read more...
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on (#6BRQM)
NEW YORK—In an outpouring of admiration from fellow commuters, New York Mayor Eric Adams was praised as a man of the people Tuesday for masturbating on a subway car. “Man, I was wrong about you—you’re on the train beating your meat just like the rest of us,” said local dishwasher Paulo Silva, touching himself as he…Read more...
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on (#6BRPQ)
CLARKSVILLE, TN—Gripping each other’s pinky fingers and swearing they would be totally transformed by the end of May, local high schoolers Emma Hedges and Brooke Sinclair reportedly made a pact last week to lose their developing fetuses before graduation. “You’re going to lose Ethan’s, and I’m going to lose…Read more...
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on (#6BRGE)
Questions about the cognitive fitness of Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) have spurred a difficult conversation among Democrats about whether she is able to perform her duties as an elected official. The Onion spoke to the long-serving senator about judicial nominations, reports of her mental decline, and plans for her…Read more...
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on (#6BRFR)
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Inviting the assembled reporters to come closer for a better look, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis held a press conference Tuesday to slurp custard off the ground. “Thank you all for coming,” DeSantis said as an aide dumped several bowls of butter pecan custard on the sidewalk next to the press gaggle, and…Read more...
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on (#6BRFS)
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration paved the way for more gay and bisexual men to donate blood by finalizing new risk-based recommendations for blood donation, with prospective donors being asked the same set of questions regardless of their sex or sexual orientation. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BRFT)
STOCKTON, CA—Cackling as the steps of the dastardly plan crystallized in her mind, local trans teen Brie Chandler told reporters Tuesday that she had hatched a nefarious plot to undergo years of medical treatments and counseling to win at swimming. “It’s oh, so simple: several years of sweet-talking medical…Read more...
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on (#6BRFV)
TULSA, OK—Describing them as a consistent and disturbing presence in his daily life, local man Clinton Morris reported being plagued Tuesday by intrusive thoughts of wanting to help others. “I just keep hearing these voices in my head incessantly telling me that I need to donate to charity,” said Morris, holding his…Read more...
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on (#6BREZ)
RACINE, WI—As she contemplated what she described as an impossible-to-fill void left behind by her mother’s death, local teen Jackie Neulander told reporters Tuesday that she had been forced to try looking to other female figures in her life to learn that she’s fat. “I appreciate all of my aunts and family friends who…Read more...
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on (#6BR5W)
Elon Musk has chosen NBCUniversal’s head of advertising Linda Yaccarino to become the new chief executive officer of Twitter, stepping into the role at a controversial and economically perilous time for the company. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BR50)
CHARLOTTE, NC—Letting out a deep sigh and saying he guessed he’d just have to wait a little bit longer before he got to shoot someone, local gun owner Chris Quaid told reporters Monday morning that he’d spent another disappointing night without a home invasion. “Aw, man, I can’t believe nobody tried to forcibly enter…Read more...
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on (#6BR2Y)
A metallic object believed to be a meteorite punched a hole in the roof of a central New Jersey home, the black, potato-sized rock still warm when the family who owned the home discovered it. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6BQYP)
NEW YORK—Describing the astronomical objects as a blemish on the otherwise pristine night sky, the world’s wealthy called Monday for the removal of stars obstructing their view of the universe. “As affluent taxpayers of Earth, we demand that our space agencies immediately remove the unsightly stars blocking our view…Read more...
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on (#6BQYQ)
LOS ANGELES—Awestruck bystanders at a violent police altercation Thursday reported that one local cop looked like John Wick out there with those unarmed kids. “That cop was like, bam! bam! bam! Just one perfect headshot after another,” one onlooker said as fellow passersby standing amid the dead bodies of innocent…Read more...
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on (#6BQYS)
DURHAM, NC—Saying she wanted to be more mindful of what she consumed, local woman Lydia Murphy expressed concern Monday over how many empty calories she was ingesting from microplastics. “I eat them all the time, but apparently they have little-to-no nutritional value,” the 32-year-old said upon learning the dietary…Read more...
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on (#6BQXY)
The Onion asked professionally nude actors how they feel about the new Utah law that allows adult websites to be sued if they fail to verify their users are 18 or older, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6BQMH)
HOUSTON—Stressing that all she wanted for the holiday was for her son to be happy, local mom Beverly Higgins reportedly mailed her son Conner a Mother’s Day gift Sunday, according to sources. “Just a little something to show how much I love you on my special day,” read the card, which accompanied a brand-new Nintendo…Read more...
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on (#6BQ4A)
KANSAS CITY, MO—Allowing for a brief, relaxing respite from an otherwise grueling schedule, Friday’s release of The Legend Of Zelda: Tears Of The Kingdom reportedly offered local man Nick Powell a much-needed escape from the monotonous grind of playing other video games. “When you spend eight or nine hours a day with…Read more...
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on (#6BQ3M)
Title 42, the Covid-era public health emergency measure that allowed for the quick expulsion of migrants at the border and nearly halted the processing of asylum applications for more than three years, has expired, with tens of thousands of people who have been waiting in Mexico after fleeing from violence, poverty,…Read more...
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on (#6BQ3N)
SAN FRANCISCO—Emphasizing that she should get ready to have her mind absolutely blown, Elon Musk reportedly sat the new Twitter CEO Linda Yaccarino down on Friday and had her watch The Matrix as part of her onboarding process. “Buckle up, because this movie will tell you everything you need to know about working at…Read more...
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on (#6BQ09)
America. Merely uttering the name inspires a reaction, no matter where you live in the world. As the nation most responsible for shaping the course of the 20th century, the United States inspires widespread praise as well as criticism. Recently, I’ve been asked for my thoughts on the country’s direction, and my own…Read more...
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on (#6BQ0A)
SAN FRANCISCO—With yet another offering aimed at promoting men’s sense of well-being and self-confidence, the health brand Hims announced Friday it would begin a monthly gun-delivery service for customers who refused to be emasculated any longer. “All you need to do is create a Hims account, answer a few questions…Read more...
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on (#6BPWQ)
In the wake of a trial finding the former president liable for defamation and sexual abuse against journalist and author E. Jean Carroll, The Onion spoke with supporters of President Trump to get their reactions. Here’s what they said.Read more...
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on (#6BPWR)
CHICAGO— Ominously grinning just as the vehicle raced before him, a mysterious figure improbably disappeared Friday behind a passing Wienermobile, unsettled sources confirmed. “He was there and then somehow he was gone just as soon as that hot dog car rolled past,” said onlooker Melissa Rodriguez, 43, noting how she…Read more...
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