by Kevin on (#A7D3)
The problem is that it was tested 70 times. Arguably, this graphic from the ABC News report is not entirely accurate, though, because failing 67 out of 70 times is actually a 95.7% failure rate, not 95%. Of course, the...
Lowering the Bar
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| Updated | 2026-03-06 16:01 |
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by Kevin on (#A7D4)
You barbarians out there who aren't hyphenating compound adjectives should take note: sometimes it makes a difference. The San Francisco Chronicle reported last week on what it called an "unusual twist" in the trial of a man charged with fraud:... Related StoriesOkay, Who's Gonna Go Argue That the Nun Threatened National Security?Judge Caught Driving Defendant's Car Says He Was "Just Looking After It"Is It Still Robbery If You Just Ask Nicely?
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by Kevin on (#A7D5)
After somehow losing a challenge to jurisdiction in Pennsylvania, of all places, the members of Led Zeppelin have now filed an answer to the complaint alleging that they stole the intro to "Stairway to Heaven." Most of the pleading is... Related Stories"Haulin' Oats"? No Can DoPlaintiff: Disney Promised to Help Me Build an X-Wing. Court: No It Didn'tIt "May Appear to Some to Be a 'Rant' of Sorts"
by Kevin on (#A7D6)
No, it's The Onion that makes up fake news stories, not me. In this case, I barely even had to tweak the headline: Cleveland Plain Dealer Seriously. According to the report, officers of the Cleveland Division of Police (CDP) hit... Related StoriesPolice Report Says 12-Year-Old's Crime Was "Abated by Death" (After They Shot Him)DEA Agent: If You Legalize Pot, Rabbits Will Get High"Crybaby Killer" Who Tortured Victims With Parrot Gets 40 Years
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by Kevin on (#A7D7)
Let's say you walk into a bank, go up to a teller and say something like, "Hi, I was just passing by your bank and thought I'd stop in and see if you'd be willing to give me some money.... Related StoriesDead Guy Sentenced to Six Months (Suspended)Okay, Who's Gonna Go Argue That the Nun Threatened National Security?Police Report Says 12-Year-Old's Crime Was "Abated by Death" (After They Shot Him)
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by Kevin on (#8S6K)
Woe unto you, lawyers! for ye have taken away the key of knowledge: ye entered not in yourselves, and them that were entering in ye hindered. Luke 11:52 (KJV) Well, the Lord's lawsuit against all similarly situated homosexuals lasted just... Related StoriesGod Files Class Action Against Gay PeopleSauron's Ring Makes Brains DisappearExpert: Invitation to Child's Party Not Enforceable
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by Kevin on (#8S6M)
I know exactly what you're thinking—one god isn't enough gods for a class action. That makes no sense at all! And even if there were more than one, how likely is it that they would be similarly situated so that... Related StoriesJury Finds for Rick Springfield in Buttocks-Assault CaseExpert: Invitation to Child's Party Not EnforceableUPDATE: Rick Springfield's Butt Will Face Retrial
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by Kevin on (#8S6N)
The Associated Press reported last week that a Greek court had convicted a 46-year-old man of stealing electricity, although at the time of trial he had been dead for a couple of weeks. Normally, being dead is a pretty good... Related StoriesDEA Agent: If You Legalize Pot, Rabbits Will Get High"Crybaby Killer" Who Tortured Victims With Parrot Gets 40 YearsDefendant Pleads Guilty to Kicking an Owl While Paragliding
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by Kevin on (#8S6P)
Amazingly, this is not from an episode of South Park, but rather is actual testimony from a DEA agent before the Utah Senate in February. (Washington Post) At the time, Utah was considering a bill to legalize the medical use... Related Stories"Crybaby Killer" Who Tortured Victims With Parrot Gets 40 YearsGroping Conspiracy Thwarted, TSA ClaimsPlaintiff: Disney Promised to Help Me Build an X-Wing. Court: No It Didn't
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by Kevin on (#8S6R)
What's your favorite government program? Mine's the one where the government takes your truck without asking, uses it in a drug sting, botches the operation, refuses to pay for the damage caused by drug dealers filling it (and your driver)... Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #74Assorted Stupidity #73Assorted Stupidity #72
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by Kevin on (#7W3M)
In this Facebook post, Tamah Jada Clark, the author of the now-legendary pleading entitled "To F— This Court And Everything That It Stands For," expresses puzzlement as to why that pleading "has now, apparently, become a 'big deal.'" She also... Related Stories"To F— This Court and Everything That It Stands For"NoYouCantWriteABriefLikeThisToGetAroundTheWordLimitCourt: Obligation to Make Sense May Not Be Delegated to Client
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by Kevin on (#7W3N)
What was I just saying about the bottomless well of human stupidity? (That's the well I was talking about.) The examples are both endless and varied. Here's another brief, for example. At only nine pages, this one is well within... Related StoriesNoYouCantWriteABriefLikeThisToGetAroundTheWordLimitCourt: Obligation to Make Sense May Not Be Delegated to Client"The Cause of Action is Denied as Unintelligible"
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by Kevin on (#7W3P)
People sometimes ask where I find "all this stuff" as if there were a limited amount of such material. There is not. It is endless. The well is deep, my friends. Nay, do not seek the bottom, for it cannot... Related StoriesJudge Criticizes "Behemoth Pleadings"Bad Attitude Costs Texas in Fee DisputeCalifornia Supreme Court Report
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by Kevin on (#7W3Q)
When Michael Daly wrote at The Daily Beast that convicted murderer Saul Rodriguez "bawled like a psychopathic baby" at his sentencing, he probably meant that Rodriguez is a psychopath who bawled like a baby, not literally that he bawled like... Related StoriesGroping Conspiracy Thwarted, TSA ClaimsDefendant Pleads Guilty to Kicking an Owl While ParaglidingCourt Holds Wedding Ring Is Not a "Weapon"
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by Kevin on (#7W3S)
Few details are available regarding this incident, but then how many do you need? Last week in Tulsa, a woman noticed a man "covered in blood" stumbling around the parking lot of an apartment complex at about 1 a.m. When... Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #54: Was Eating All the SalsaAccused Fraudster Strapped His Ankle Bracelet to a RobotGood Reason to Kill #17.1: Lost at Beer Pong
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by Kevin on (#7FAJ)
Facing a Monday trial on two misdemeanor counts of owl harassment, Dell Schanze decided to plead guilty instead. Schanze, who also goes by the nickname "Super Dell," became (in)famous in Utah some time ago as the TV pitchman for his... Related StoriesChillin' With a Owl: FollowupUPDATE: Manson Camp Denies Wedding-Registry ClaimsCourt Holds Wedding Ring Is Not a "Weapon"
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by Kevin on (#7FAM)
Although such items can certainly be terrifying, in this particular case an appellate court in New Jersey decided that throwing one at a corrections officer did not constitute "attempted assault with a weapon." According to the report (thanks, Robert), Gerald... Related StoriesOf Course We Have No Ticket Quotas, But ....Groping Conspiracy Thwarted, TSA ClaimsA Few Tax Arguments Not to Make
by Kevin on (#7FAN)
It still hasn't caught any terrorists, but it has managed to root out a conspiracy of gropers (maybe sub-conspiracy is a better term) within its own ranks, according to this report. After another employee reported that a screener at Denver... Related StoriesChillin' With a Owl: FollowupProgress on the Police-Filming FrontProsecutor Declines to Prosecute Himself
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by Kevin on (#7FAP)
Hey, your taxes are due this week—or are they? Yes, they are, that was a figure of speech and not a suggestion that you should treat federal taxes as optional. That is one of the many arguments you should not... Related StoriesAh, La Stupidité, Elle Brûle!Ah, La Stupide, Il Brûle!Progress on the Police-Filming Front
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by Kevin on (#6WEK)
... you may wish to consider the following information in re: your salary. You won't be surprised to learn that Edmundson is a "city" in St. Louis County, about a ten-minute drive from Ferguson (might take a lot longer, of... Related StoriesCourt Holds Wedding Ring Is Not a "Weapon"Chillin' With a Owl: FollowupWhereas, South Florida Should Become the 51st State
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by Kevin on (#6WEN)
Here's an update on the case of the two Florida men who posted a video of themselves cavorting with a Great Horned Owl, which turns out to be a protected species. See "Men Filmed Chillin' With a Owl Were Violatin'... Related StoriesMen Filmed Chillin' With a Owl Were Violatin' Migratory Bird Treaty ActProsecutor Declines to Prosecute HimselfPresident Adopts Potential Werewolf
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by Kevin on (#6WEP)
The lesson of this Iowa case is: if one has agreed to build a pond, one has thereby warranted that the pond will actually hold water. In an opinion that I have not read but with which I disagree, the... Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #73Assorted Stupidity #72Assorted Stupidity #71
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by Kevin on (#6WEQ)
If you are thinking, well, why do I even have slaves if I can't force them to help me get into the Guinness Book of World Records, you are missing the point entirely and are also an extremely bad human... Related StoriesMen Filmed Chillin' With a Owl Were Violatin' Migratory Bird Treaty ActProsecutor Declines to Prosecute HimselfPlease Read This Before Bombing New Mexico
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by Kevin on (#6WES)
"We chillin' with a owl right now, we vibin'." So quoth Johnny Duverson of West Palm Beach, who along with his friend Stervenson [confirmed: Stervenson] Benjamin could be seen doing just that in a video that the two men posted... Related StoriesProsecutor Declines to Prosecute HimselfSufficiently Notorious Convicted Felon Identified?The Most Interesting Carpool-Lane Ruse in the World
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by Kevin on (#688J)
Here are some words & phrases that you really don't want a judge to apply to anything you file: sprawling behemoth surplusage larded with brims with masquerading as voluminous breathtaking madness chokes the docket intended to overwhelm labyrinthian prolixity of... Related StoriesWhat Is the Proper Format for a Citation to Buzz Lightyear?Bad Attitude Costs Texas in Fee DisputeMinor Wordfoolery, Way Updated
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by Kevin on (#633P)
Although it is surprisingly difficult to find solid news reporting out of Zambia, several different sources including AFP have reported that the country's Director of Public Prosecutions decided recently to drop nine corruption charges pending against a highly placed official,... Related StoriesSufficiently Notorious Convicted Felon Identified?Texas Bill Would Make It Illegal for You to Film a Cop Beating YouThe Most Interesting Carpool-Lane Ruse in the World
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by Kevin on (#5ZG1)
My previous post on this mystery is already pretty long, so I'm doing this update separately. To start with, here's the evidence to the extent I can glean it from the redacted OIG report, which, if you've forgotten, reported that... Related StoriesTexas Bill Would Make It Illegal for You to Film a Cop Beating YouThe Most Interesting Carpool-Lane Ruse in the WorldFBI Investigating Ridiculous Soon-to-Be-Former Congressman
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by Kevin on (#5ZG3)
Section 38.15 of the Texas Penal Code makes it an offense to interrupt, disrupt, impede, or otherwise interfere with "public duties," including those being exercised by a police officer. That's the law pretty much everywhere, of course, but the question... Related StoriesAh, La Stupidité, Elle Brûle!Ah, La Stupide, Il Brûle!Whereas, South Florida Should Become the 51st State
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by Kevin on (#5ZG4)
Interesting, but not successful: In this case the "extra passenger" is—in the unlikely event you don't recognize him—a cardboard cutout of The Most Interesting Man in the World, the spokesman for Dos Equis Beer. The driver was busted in the... Related StoriesFBI Investigating Ridiculous Soon-to-Be-Former CongressmanJudge Caught Driving Defendant's Car Says He Was "Just Looking After It"Accused Fraudster Strapped His Ankle Bracelet to a Robot
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by Kevin on (#5ZG6)
I was pleased to see that far more respectable personage Prof. Eugene Volokh also noticed and commented yesterday on Justice Kagan's use of "way" as an adverb in the Omnicare case. (I mentioned it at the end of this post.)... Related StoriesCourt: Obligation to Make Sense May Not Be Delegated to ClientMinor Wordfoolery in Today's Supreme Court OpinionTenth Circuit Forced to Diagram Congressional Sentence
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by Kevin on (#5ZG7)
Here's a more interesting decision by the Supreme Court, although maybe "decision" is the wrong word. The question is: if your client insists on filing something that is complete gibberish, do you have to agree, or do you have an... Related StoriesMinor Wordfoolery in Today's Supreme Court OpinionWhom the Gods Would Destroy, They First Make MadJudge Caught Driving Defendant's Car Says He Was "Just Looking After It"
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by Kevin on (#5FNW)
I don't much like DHS, and I really don't like TSA, but I'm cool with DHSOIG because it seems to be genuinely trying to get TSA to shape up, even if TSA just ignores it. That's the DHS Office of...
by Kevin on (#5FNX)
According to reports today, 33-year-old Rep. Aaron Schock's sudden decision to resign will not end federal investigations into his alleged misuse of campaign funds. Schock, seen above either speaking to young supporters or appearing in an episode of How I... Related StoriesJudge Caught Driving Defendant's Car Says He Was "Just Looking After It"Accused Fraudster Strapped His Ankle Bracelet to a RobotTwo More Drunk-Driving Excuses to Cross Off the List
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by Kevin on (#5FNY)
Associated Press, Mar. 16, 2015, 6:27 p.m. PDT: NEW ORLEANS (AP) – A Louisiana State Police trooper says millionaire Robert Durst has been booked on weapons charges in that state—on top of a first-degree murder charge lodged by Los Angeles...
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by Kevin on (#5FNZ)
The original headline, "Arkansas Judge Mauled by Family's Pet Zebra," was pretty good and has a nice rhythm to it, but I thought it was important to be clear that the zebra-owning family was his own. This wasn't just a... Related StoriesJudge Wanted: Must Be Able to Read, Tell TimeAnother Zamboni DUIRide Something Dangerous Down a Hill Today
by Kevin on (#555A)
A review of my Bad Disguises category reveals that I haven't been very consistent about numbering these. Although in my defense, when I started doing that I had not contemplated that more than one person would, for example, wrap his...
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by Kevin on (#555B)
Things haven't gone too well for Eike Batista over the past few years. Once the richest man in Brazil and among the top ten in the world (he supposedly made it to eighth place), with a net worth of about... Related StoriesAggravated Pimpin' Ain't EasyS.F. Cops Arrest Public Defender for Publicly DefendingCourt Unconvinced by Lawyer Dressed as Thomas Jefferson
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by Kevin on (#555C)
The government is using the word "contraption," and that is probably more accurate but "robot" made the headline funnier. I don't know why. That's just how this works sometimes. As I mentioned the other day, Paul Ceglia, who previously demanded... Related StoriesFeds Say They Have Accused Fraudster's Ankle Bracelet in CustodyTwo More Drunk-Driving Excuses to Cross Off the ListHeiress Sentenced to One Year on Nut-Rage Charges
by Kevin on (#555D)
"An amusing order," said Matt, who sent me this. Matt, you had me at "Living Soul Chief Asan Manuel Mustafah Fearce W. Yahzoo." This comes to us from the Northern District of West Virginia, where yesterday a judge dismissed a... Related StoriesGuy Sues Legal System AgainIt's Only a Flesh Wound"Haulin' Oats"? No Can Do
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by Kevin on (#4RDT)
Unfortunately, he's not in it at the moment. Paul Ceglia, who once sued Mark Zuckerberg claiming half of Facebook, and who last appeared here back in Assorted Stupidity #39 after his ninth set of lawyers withdrew from that case, has... Related StoriesHeiress Sentenced to One Year on Nut-Rage ChargesFYI, the Secretary of the Treasury is Not "Moe Money"Two More Drunk-Driving Excuses to Cross Off the List
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by Kevin on (#4RDW)
How do you know it's time to give up and dismiss your claim? Well, if the judge is comparing you to the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, now's probably a good time: Actually, the good time... Related Stories"Haulin' Oats"? No Can DoPlease Read This Before Bombing New MexicoVarious Plaintiffs v. Various Defendants
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by Kevin on (#4MFH)
An appellate court has ruled that "the danger posed by a plate of sizzling hot food [is] self-evident," thus dooming a New Jersey man's attempt to sue Applebee's for burns suffered while bowing his head to pray over a plate... Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #72Assorted Stupidity #71Assorted Stupidity #70
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by Kevin on (#4MFJ)
A recent order from the Supreme Court of South Carolina (thanks, Anonymous) has updated the initial eligibility requirements for those who would like to be magistrate judges in that state. All applicants must now take and pass both the Wonderlic... Related StoriesAnother Zamboni DUIRide Something Dangerous Down a Hill TodayKirby Delauter, Sherbert Deluder
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by Kevin on (#4EYV)
Early Bird Foods is not the first company to think it would be amusing to name an oats-based product "Haulin' Oats," so it should have known that doing this would be problematic. One of their less-well-known marks As Rolling Stone... Related StoriesVarious Plaintiffs v. Various DefendantsWhom the Gods Would Destroy, They First Make MadGood Reason to Kill #50: Would Not Buy a Hat
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by Kevin on (#4EYW)
First: Do not blow up any part of New Mexico without express permission. Second: By "this" I don't mean this post, although if you have started your research here that is fine, if somewhat disturbing. By "this," of course, I... Related StoriesTwitter Takedown of Scottish ScamProperty Dispute Resolved With Power SawMUGABE SPOKESMAN: Even Jesus Would Have Tripped
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by Kevin on (#4EYY)
I mentioned Christoff v. Nestlé the other day—you know, the case where the guy was surprised to see his face on the Taster's Choice coffee label and ended up getting $15 million for it—and someone wrote me to ask how... Related StoriesExpert: Invitation to Child's Party Not EnforceableUtah Court Says Woman Can Sue HerselfJury Finds for Rick Springfield in Buttocks-Assault Case
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by Kevin on (#4EYZ)
As I mentioned a few days ago, I argued a case before the California Supreme Court on Tuesday. I thought some of you might be interested to see the checklist I put together to help me prepare: I forgot to... Related StoriesProgram NoteOrder on One Millionth Discovery DisputeTom & Jerry Go to Court
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by Kevin on (#460D)
No new posts today (except this one, of course) or tomorrow, because to your likely shock and amazement I am actually arguing a case tomorrow before the California Supreme Court. And no, the case is not in any way comical.... Related StoriesCaption Contest ResultsCaption Contest!Is Your Local Courthouse Infested With Bats?
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by Kevin on (#4031)
Mr. Yates caught some fish that he shouldn't have hoarded, Because of the risk that his ship would be boarded. An officer noticed that some were too small, And ordered the man to hang onto them all 'Til returning to... Related StoriesBobby Chen Promises Supreme Court He Will Show Up This TimeCounsel, That's Not Your Normal Speaking Voice, Is It?Supreme Court: Want to Search a Cellphone? "Get a Warrant."
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by Kevin on (#4033)
Scottish lawyer Malcolm Combe recently posted this tale about a promoted tweet gone wrong. He and several other lawyers went after a company called Highland Titles, which was making this offer: For just 30 quid, it would appear, you can... Related StoriesU.S. Pat. No. 8605152: Method for Filming a Yoga ClassProperty Dispute Resolved With Power SawSiberian Tax Collectors Reportedly Holding Cats Hostage
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