Lowering the Bar

On Monday, the Supreme Court held in Kimble v. Marvel Entertainment that a patent holder can't charge royalties for using an invention after the patent term expires. More accurately, it established that rule in a 1964 case, and held Monday... Related StoriesThe Continuing Argle-BargleThe Argle-Bargle Over This Jiggery-Pokery Is Pure ApplesauceLed Zeppelin Admits "Exceptional Talent," Denies All Other Allegations

My friend Tim, who loves baseball and whose LinkedIn picture shows him pointing to an alligator, reports that a second jury has found the Kansas City Royals and their mascot Sluggerrr not liable for Sluggerrr hitting a fan in the... Related StoriesUtah Court Says Woman Can Sue HerselfAfter Bar Fight, Cubs Are Fed Up with Unofficial MascotThings Not to Say to Employees #1-5

We don't know whether the victim in this case was arguing for or against the value of higher education, but I will go ahead and speculate that it was the former. Not that I think more education makes people less... Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #55: Dissed Your SmartphoneGood Reason to Kill #54: Was Eating All the SalsaGood Reason to Kill #17.1: Lost at Beer Pong

Still frozen. Your next Frozen Guru Update will be in December, or sooner if he thaws out. Oh, look, Mr. (or Ms.) I Don't Remember Which Frozen Guru This Is Referring To has clicked for more details. Okay, let me... Related StoriesPlease Read This Before Bombing New MexicoCalifornia Town Calls for Ban on Space WeaponsLed Zeppelin Admits "Exceptional Talent," Denies All Other Allegations

No California Republican has voted in favor of a state budget proposal in years, so it was a little startling when one did on Monday. He may have been the most startled of all, because he wasn't really paying attention,... Related StoriesTenth Circuit Forced to Diagram Congressional SentenceCalifornia Town Calls for Ban on Space WeaponsCourt Holds Wedding Ring Is Not a "Weapon"

There are of course many towns that have declared themselves "nuclear-free zones," but Richmond, California, is the first one (to my knowledge) that has taken the time to call for a ban on space weapons. A minor disturbance in Richmond... Related StoriesWhereas, South Florida Should Become the 51st StateThe Octopus: Honorary Vertebrate?Judge Rules Man Fathered Only One Twin

Bring a toothbrush (Dana Gray/Caledonian Record) As a judge in Vermont warned this potential (but presumably unwilling) juror, doing this could get you a little jail time for contempt of court. That would most likely get you out of jury... Related StoriesPotential Juror's Hardship Excuse: I Am Having a Heart Attack. Judge: It Can Wait

Here's one: Over dinner, CEO [redacted] directed an unwelcomed "joke" to Ms. [redacted]: "Would you rather have your female genitalia on your hand so everyone could see it, or would you rather your husband have his male genitalia on his... Related StoriesI Should Stress That TSA Detected Well Over Four Percent of The Fake ThreatsLed Zeppelin Admits "Exceptional Talent," Denies All Other AllegationsPlaintiff: Disney Promised to Help Me Build an X-Wing. Court: No It Didn't

You think? The headline of this post is also the slightly understated title of this DHS Inspector General report, which notes that TSA failed to block someone on the terrorist watchlist from getting a job at an airport. And by... Related StoriesI Should Stress That TSA Detected Well Over Four Percent of The Fake ThreatsOther Things to Read!Okay, Who's Gonna Go Argue That the Nun Threatened National Security?

The headline is "Rockland man attempts to seal court documents in domestic assault case," but the lesson is "think carefully before asking your mom to drive you to court." I'm just speculating that's what happened here, but I can't think... Related StoriesUPDATES!Other Things to Read!Behold

It's made with bits of real terrorist Was I being too negative the other day when I said that the TSA failed security tests 95.7% of the time? I should acknowledge that this was a 4.3% success rate. In other... Related StoriesDefendants Settle With Student Arrested for Possessing Arabic FlashcardsTSA Saves Public From Air Pirates!Other Things to Read!

Quite a few developments lately in stories I have previously mentioned. These all deserve more words than they're getting below, but it's hard enough to keep up with the new material. The man who was charged in February with driving... Related StoriesMOM! I'm Representing Myself, Okay?! God!Other Things to Read!Behold

You barbarians out there who aren't hyphenating compound adjectives should take note: sometimes it makes a difference. The San Francisco Chronicle reported last week on what it called an "unusual twist" in the trial of a man charged with fraud:... Related StoriesOkay, Who's Gonna Go Argue That the Nun Threatened National Security?Judge Caught Driving Defendant's Car Says He Was "Just Looking After It"Is It Still Robbery If You Just Ask Nicely?

Let's say you walk into a bank, go up to a teller and say something like, "Hi, I was just passing by your bank and thought I'd stop in and see if you'd be willing to give me some money.... Related StoriesDead Guy Sentenced to Six Months (Suspended)Okay, Who's Gonna Go Argue That the Nun Threatened National Security?Police Report Says 12-Year-Old's Crime Was "Abated by Death" (After They Shot Him)

Woe unto you, lawyers! for ye have taken away the key of knowledge: ye entered not in yourselves, and them that were entering in ye hindered. Luke 11:52 (KJV) Well, the Lord's lawsuit against all similarly situated homosexuals lasted just... Related StoriesGod Files Class Action Against Gay PeopleSauron's Ring Makes Brains DisappearExpert: Invitation to Child's Party Not Enforceable

I know exactly what you're thinking—one god isn't enough gods for a class action. That makes no sense at all! And even if there were more than one, how likely is it that they would be similarly situated so that... Related StoriesJury Finds for Rick Springfield in Buttocks-Assault CaseExpert: Invitation to Child's Party Not EnforceableUPDATE: Rick Springfield's Butt Will Face Retrial

The Associated Press reported last week that a Greek court had convicted a 46-year-old man of stealing electricity, although at the time of trial he had been dead for a couple of weeks. Normally, being dead is a pretty good... Related StoriesDEA Agent: If You Legalize Pot, Rabbits Will Get High"Crybaby Killer" Who Tortured Victims With Parrot Gets 40 YearsDefendant Pleads Guilty to Kicking an Owl While Paragliding

Amazingly, this is not from an episode of South Park, but rather is actual testimony from a DEA agent before the Utah Senate in February. (Washington Post) At the time, Utah was considering a bill to legalize the medical use... Related Stories"Crybaby Killer" Who Tortured Victims With Parrot Gets 40 YearsGroping Conspiracy Thwarted, TSA ClaimsPlaintiff: Disney Promised to Help Me Build an X-Wing. Court: No It Didn't

What's your favorite government program? Mine's the one where the government takes your truck without asking, uses it in a drug sting, botches the operation, refuses to pay for the damage caused by drug dealers filling it (and your driver)... Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #74Assorted Stupidity #73Assorted Stupidity #72

In this Facebook post, Tamah Jada Clark, the author of the now-legendary pleading entitled "To F— This Court And Everything That It Stands For," expresses puzzlement as to why that pleading "has now, apparently, become a 'big deal.'" She also... Related Stories"To F— This Court and Everything That It Stands For"NoYouCantWriteABriefLikeThisToGetAroundTheWordLimitCourt: Obligation to Make Sense May Not Be Delegated to Client

People sometimes ask where I find "all this stuff" as if there were a limited amount of such material. There is not. It is endless. The well is deep, my friends. Nay, do not seek the bottom, for it cannot... Related StoriesJudge Criticizes "Behemoth Pleadings"Bad Attitude Costs Texas in Fee DisputeCalifornia Supreme Court Report

When Michael Daly wrote at The Daily Beast that convicted murderer Saul Rodriguez "bawled like a psychopathic baby" at his sentencing, he probably meant that Rodriguez is a psychopath who bawled like a baby, not literally that he bawled like... Related StoriesGroping Conspiracy Thwarted, TSA ClaimsDefendant Pleads Guilty to Kicking an Owl While ParaglidingCourt Holds Wedding Ring Is Not a "Weapon"

Few details are available regarding this incident, but then how many do you need? Last week in Tulsa, a woman noticed a man "covered in blood" stumbling around the parking lot of an apartment complex at about 1 a.m. When... Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #54: Was Eating All the SalsaAccused Fraudster Strapped His Ankle Bracelet to a RobotGood Reason to Kill #17.1: Lost at Beer Pong

Facing a Monday trial on two misdemeanor counts of owl harassment, Dell Schanze decided to plead guilty instead. Schanze, who also goes by the nickname "Super Dell," became (in)famous in Utah some time ago as the TV pitchman for his... Related StoriesChillin' With a Owl: FollowupUPDATE: Manson Camp Denies Wedding-Registry ClaimsCourt Holds Wedding Ring Is Not a "Weapon"

Hey, your taxes are due this week—or are they? Yes, they are, that was a figure of speech and not a suggestion that you should treat federal taxes as optional. That is one of the many arguments you should not... Related StoriesAh, La Stupidité, Elle Brûle!Ah, La Stupide, Il Brûle!Progress on the Police-Filming Front

... you may wish to consider the following information in re: your salary. You won't be surprised to learn that Edmundson is a "city" in St. Louis County, about a ten-minute drive from Ferguson (might take a lot longer, of... Related StoriesCourt Holds Wedding Ring Is Not a "Weapon"Chillin' With a Owl: FollowupWhereas, South Florida Should Become the 51st State

Here's an update on the case of the two Florida men who posted a video of themselves cavorting with a Great Horned Owl, which turns out to be a protected species. See "Men Filmed Chillin' With a Owl Were Violatin'... Related StoriesMen Filmed Chillin' With a Owl Were Violatin' Migratory Bird Treaty ActProsecutor Declines to Prosecute HimselfPresident Adopts Potential Werewolf

The lesson of this Iowa case is: if one has agreed to build a pond, one has thereby warranted that the pond will actually hold water. In an opinion that I have not read but with which I disagree, the... Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #73Assorted Stupidity #72Assorted Stupidity #71

If you are thinking, well, why do I even have slaves if I can't force them to help me get into the Guinness Book of World Records, you are missing the point entirely and are also an extremely bad human... Related StoriesMen Filmed Chillin' With a Owl Were Violatin' Migratory Bird Treaty ActProsecutor Declines to Prosecute HimselfPlease Read This Before Bombing New Mexico

"We chillin' with a owl right now, we vibin'." So quoth Johnny Duverson of West Palm Beach, who along with his friend Stervenson [confirmed: Stervenson] Benjamin could be seen doing just that in a video that the two men posted... Related StoriesProsecutor Declines to Prosecute HimselfSufficiently Notorious Convicted Felon Identified?The Most Interesting Carpool-Lane Ruse in the World

Here are some words & phrases that you really don't want a judge to apply to anything you file: sprawling behemoth surplusage larded with brims with masquerading as voluminous breathtaking madness chokes the docket intended to overwhelm labyrinthian prolixity of... Related StoriesWhat Is the Proper Format for a Citation to Buzz Lightyear?Bad Attitude Costs Texas in Fee DisputeMinor Wordfoolery, Way Updated

My previous post on this mystery is already pretty long, so I'm doing this update separately. To start with, here's the evidence to the extent I can glean it from the redacted OIG report, which, if you've forgotten, reported that... Related StoriesTexas Bill Would Make It Illegal for You to Film a Cop Beating YouThe Most Interesting Carpool-Lane Ruse in the WorldFBI Investigating Ridiculous Soon-to-Be-Former Congressman

Section 38.15 of the Texas Penal Code makes it an offense to interrupt, disrupt, impede, or otherwise interfere with "public duties," including those being exercised by a police officer. That's the law pretty much everywhere, of course, but the question... Related StoriesAh, La Stupidité, Elle Brûle!Ah, La Stupide, Il Brûle!Whereas, South Florida Should Become the 51st State

Interesting, but not successful: In this case the "extra passenger" is—in the unlikely event you don't recognize him—a cardboard cutout of The Most Interesting Man in the World, the spokesman for Dos Equis Beer. The driver was busted in the... Related StoriesFBI Investigating Ridiculous Soon-to-Be-Former CongressmanJudge Caught Driving Defendant's Car Says He Was "Just Looking After It"Accused Fraudster Strapped His Ankle Bracelet to a Robot

Here's a more interesting decision by the Supreme Court, although maybe "decision" is the wrong word. The question is: if your client insists on filing something that is complete gibberish, do you have to agree, or do you have an... Related StoriesMinor Wordfoolery in Today's Supreme Court OpinionWhom the Gods Would Destroy, They First Make MadJudge Caught Driving Defendant's Car Says He Was "Just Looking After It"

Associated Press, Mar. 16, 2015, 6:27 p.m. PDT: NEW ORLEANS (AP) – A Louisiana State Police trooper says millionaire Robert Durst has been booked on weapons charges in that state—on top of a first-degree murder charge lodged by Los Angeles...