Lowering the Bar

Erklärungsnot! Related StoriesLast-Minute Gift Suggestions

If planning to insult a judge who is retiring, you might first want to confirm the date of said retirement.

Salamander, jackass bills signed into law. Related StoriesDachshund Racing Declared Illegal in IdahoBill Would Let Cops “Field Test” Your Phone After an AccidentHR 1220: Urging Members to Stop Saying “Physical” Instead of “Fiscal”

Judicial opinions you'll enjoy reading.

Don't worry, though—they totally promise not to invade your privacy while doing it. Related StoriesGovernors Veto Official-Bible BillsThe TSA's Million-Dollar App (and My Zero-Dollar Equivalent)

In this edition: the "Filner headlock," a German hotel mystery, motorized beer coolers (again) and other reasons Australia seems fun, and the last ride of the Jammie Dodger gang. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #87Assorted Stupidity #86Assorted Stupidity #85

I urge the TSA to implement my alternative immediately. Related StoriesBill Would Let Cops “Field Test” Your Phone After an AccidentStormtrooper ArrestedYou Know, Karl, There Have Also Been Criminals Named “Karl”

This again. Related StoriesBill Would Let Cops “Field Test” Your Phone After an Accident

Are you currently in a parade? Related StoriesIs an Alligator a “Deadly Weapon”?Bad Places to Hide: Island in Alligator-Infested LakeMan Arrested 14 Years After Failing to Return Terrible Video

WHEREAS, this has been bugging the $*#& out of Rep. Tracy McCreery.

It does make it a little harder for the cops to follow you, but other issues still make this a bad choice. Related StoriesIs It Illegal to Make Your Spouse Ride on the Roof of the Car?Man Arrested 14 Years After Failing to Return Terrible VideoSpa Bandit Update

His little Supreme Court is apparently not split 4-4. Related StoriesTennessee Legislature Votes to Make Bible the Official State BookKansas Senator Says Temptresses Must Cover ThemselvesIndiana Briefly Considered Fining Bad Anthem Singers

With bad legal arguments, and bongos. Related StoriesOregon Occupier Files “Counter-Complaint” Against Feds and/or DevilGood Reason to Kill #59: Objected to BagpipesJury Laughs at Hot-Yoga Guy

If he watched this movie, he's the real victim. Related StoriesBad Places to Hide: Island in Alligator-Infested LakeIs an Alligator a “Deadly Weapon”?Topless Gardener Scrapes Bottom of Barrel

In this edition: Is "Trump supporter" a protected class? Also, good news for hovering moose hunters, bad news for one regular squirrel hunter, and Maryland reconsiders its state song. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #86What's Up With the “Trump University” Lawsuits?Assorted Stupidity #85

The sovereign-citizen nonsense is not limited to North America. Related StoriesOregon Occupier Files “Counter-Complaint” Against Feds and/or DevilJury Laughs at Hot-Yoga GuyYou Know, Karl, There Have Also Been Criminals Named “Karl”

For no good reason at all, an update on the criminal career of one Marshall G. Wolbers, formerly known as the "Spa Bandit." Related StoriesMan Charged With Stealing 784,000 QuartersArsonist Sets Own Shoes on Fire

In particular it is bad form to be seen "resting [one's] head" against one's client during trial. Related StoriesIs an Alligator a “Deadly Weapon”?

In this edition: gnome-endangerment charges, Batmobile copyright issues, and further confirmation that the First Amendment protects the right to swear at authority. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #85Assorted Stupidity #84Assorted Stupidity #83

No, not all at once. Related StoriesSpa Bandit UpdateArsonist Sets Own Shoes on Fire

If not, then he is not the worst boss ever, as this story proves. Related StoriesFollow the Chicken, Dramatized

Trump said the other day he has "won most of" these cases. He has not. Whether anybody cares is a different issue.

Nine questions, in fact. Related StoriesJustice Antonin Scalia: An LTB RetrospectiveLucius Quintus Cincinnatus Lamar II

Prosecutor also allegedly pointed at defendant and mouthed "HE DID IT" while defense counsel wasn't looking. Related StoriesJury Laughs at Hot-Yoga Guy

This one won't stick, either. Related StoriesIndiana Briefly Considered Fining Bad Anthem Singers

In this edition: meerkat expert wins on appeal, woman allegedly launched from commode, criminals with GPS issues, and yet another person who shouldn't talk to the press. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #84Assorted Stupidity #83Assorted Stupidity #82

Authorities have asked the public to alert them to anyone appearing to have burned or singed feet.

She will face a number of obstacles in this particular quest for justice. Related StoriesJury Laughs at Hot-Yoga GuyPowerball ProblemsYou Know, Karl, There Have Also Been Criminals Named “Karl”

Even in Scotland the pipes are occasionally unwanted. Related StoriesLucius Quintus Cincinnatus Lamar IIGood Reason to Kill #58: Star Wars SpoilerGollum Experts to Testify, Says Court

An enormously talented and controversial figure who was frequently wrong but willing to wear a funny hat in public. Related StoriesLucius Quintus Cincinnatus Lamar II

You may be surprised to know that no Florida case has yet addressed this question. Related StoriesTopless Gardener Scrapes Bottom of BarrelMonkey Loses Copyright Battle

Hold off on that royalty check you were about to write. Related StoriesMonkey Loses Copyright Battle

Don't wear them out of the house, actually, but if you must, at least don't wear them to court.

In this edition: the return of Beezow; a 50,000-volt penalty for talking in court; the South Carolina Legislature wastes some (more) time, and a defense to remember. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #83Assorted Stupidity #82

I have nothing against toplessness, but am anti-defrauding-the-elderly. Related StoriesIs an Alligator a “Deadly Weapon”?

Which, just FYI, is not a good sign if you weren't joking. Related StoriesYou Know, Karl, There Have Also Been Criminals Named “Karl”

The rule doesn't apply to men because they already know how to "look professional," he said. Related StoriesYou Know, Karl, There Have Also Been Criminals Named “Karl”Indiana Briefly Considered Fining Bad Anthem Singers

In this edition: Twitter crime, logo revision, autolitigation, and yet more security panic. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #82

And other impressively named justices of the U.S. Supreme Court. Related StoriesGollum Experts to Testify, Says Court

Whether it's racist is really the only one of those that's in serious dispute. Related StoriesKansas Senator Says Temptresses Must Cover ThemselvesYou Know, Karl, There Have Also Been Criminals Named “Karl”

They're pretty major, both pre- and post-winning.

But vows (through counsel) to appeal.

Even though, like all Imperial Stormtroopers, he really wasn't much of a threat. Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #58: Star Wars SpoilerYou Know, Karl, There Have Also Been Criminals Named “Karl”

You probably don't suffer from "auto-brewery syndrome," though, which is yet another reason not to drink and drive.

Make sure not to tell anybody in Montana that [redacted]. Related StoriesStormtrooper Arrested

They might not get there by Christmas, but you could tell the person you got them something, and isn't that really what matters?

Canada is now way ahead on a per-capita basis, but the U.S. still leads in absolute terms.

In this edition: DUI lawyer demonstrates what not to do, inmate sues for being allowed to escape, and poor planning leads to bigamy arrest. Also, your word of the day is "hibernaculum."

Tintoretto presumably an unindicted co-conspirator. Related StoriesGollum Experts to Testify, Says CourtIndiana Briefly Considered Fining Bad Anthem Singers

Stop whatever you're doing right now and spend 5:40 watching this NYT video. You'll be glad you did. Related Stories"God Would Not Go Around With Pants Down," Says CouncilmanThe Taiwanese Animators Notice Missouri's Failed GerrymanderCostumed Bear Harasser Wanted by Authorities, Evolution