Lowering the Bar

Canada is now way ahead on a per-capita basis, but the U.S. still leads in absolute terms.

In this edition: DUI lawyer demonstrates what not to do, inmate sues for being allowed to escape, and poor planning leads to bigamy arrest. Also, your word of the day is "hibernaculum."

Tintoretto presumably an unindicted co-conspirator. Related StoriesGollum Experts to Testify, Says CourtIndiana Briefly Considered Fining Bad Anthem Singers

Stop whatever you're doing right now and spend 5:40 watching this NYT video. You'll be glad you did. Related Stories"God Would Not Go Around With Pants Down," Says CouncilmanThe Taiwanese Animators Notice Missouri's Failed GerrymanderCostumed Bear Harasser Wanted by Authorities, Evolution

Drop whatever you're doing and spend 5:40 watching this NYT re-enactment of a classic deposition transcript.

In response to the county commissioner who said we should be concerned about anybody named "Mohammed."

In response to the county commissioner who said we should be concerned about anybody named "Mohammed." [Now updated with dangerous-Wayne information.] Related StoriesKansas Senator: Terrorists Could Infiltrate Fort Leavenworth by ... Submarine?Cops: We "Expected Privacy" Because We Tried to Smash All the CamerasLawsuit Alleges Sherman Tank Damaged by “the Elements”

It came to its senses. Will Massachusetts and New Mexico do the same? Related StoriesGollum Experts to Testify, Says Court

It came to its senses. Will Massachusetts and New Mexico do the same? Related StoriesGollum Experts to Testify, Says CourtKansas Senator: Terrorists Could Infiltrate Fort Leavenworth by ... Submarine?The Torch Has Been Passed

Well, it's legal now, at least, although to be honest it's not the most danceable tune ever written.

Well, it's legal now, at least, although to be honest it's not the most danceable tune ever written. Related StoriesKlingon Used in Official CorrespondenceA Bit of Parliamentary Jiggery-PokeryLegislator Admits Voting While Under Influence of Facebook

What have they got in their pocketses, precious? We wants to know. Related StoriesIndiana Briefly Considered Fining Bad Anthem Singers

What have they got in their pocketses, precious? We wants to know. Related StoriesIndiana Briefly Considered Fining Bad Anthem SingersThe Torch Has Been Passed"Game of Thrones" Fan Demands Trial by Combat

In this edition: the schooling of a brain thief, criticism of the Secret Service, and another win for the Thought It Was a Giant Panda defense. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #80NewsAssorted Stupidity #79

Mass egging charged under anti-terrorism statute. Related StoriesDancing Suddenly Okay Again in Cottonwood HeightsWet Willy and Mr. NubMan's Spider Hunt Mistaken for Domestic Violence

Womanly shrieks reported. Related StoriesUtah Woman Charged With Causing Egg CatastropheAustralian Police Searching for Motorized-Picnic-Table RidersRaiders Player Faces Dog-Taunting Charges

"I'm sorry—he wanted death with what?" Related StoriesGuy Steals Four Million Pounds of OrangesUpon Further Review, I Don't Know What to ThinkTIP: He's Probably Not Going to Show Your Snake to His Girlfriend

To be fair, if you drop three hundred grand on an armored fighting vehicle, they really should be willing to touch up the paint. Related StoriesPlaintiff: Disney Promised to Help Me Build an X-Wing. Court: No It Didn'tUtah Court Says Woman Can Sue HerselfExpert: Invitation to Child's Party Not Enforceable

The individuals are not believed to be linked to terrorism.Updated with one relevant point and also something about kangaroos. Related StoriesYes, You Could Get a DWI on a Barbie JeepFormer Giant Tased After Drunken Scooter Chase

For just a few dollars you, too, can be bothersome to the TSA and possibly also help make legal precedent. Related StoriesTSA Update: Still Failin'Hey, It Ain't “Deadly Force” to Drop a Tree on a GuyAssorted Stupidity #80

The complaint has got problems. The court don't think he can solve 'em. Related StoriesHave You Ever Paid Royalties for Singing “Happy Birthday”?

Or to shoot him four times, apparently. Not enough of these 1200+ words are jokes, but the cartoon references I think are pretty good. Related StoriesTSA Protester Needs Your HelpGood News: Cops Now Slightly More Likely to Lube You FirstCleveland Police Agree to Stop Hitting People on the Head With Guns

The individual is said to have barked at the K-9 unit. Related StoriesDancing Suddenly Okay Again in Cottonwood HeightsUpon Further Review, I Don't Know What to ThinkHome of Throwed Rolls Sued for Throwin' Rolls

Tom Giesler's new book depicts inventions the world might be able to do without but really shouldn't have to. Related StoriesSpider-Man Clings to Wall of Supreme CourtOther Things to Read!Author Arrested for Writing About Murder in the 30th Century

What are the odds a lottery retailer would win so many times in the absence of shenanigans? Well ... "slim" might be an understatement. Related StoriesJudge Rules Man Fathered Only One TwinFinally, a Use for PeriscopeD.C. Prepares to Name an Official Amphipod

And in all the same ways. But the new administrator says now there's a "laser-focus on mission," so that's good. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #80Texas Police Won't Charge Muslim Boy With Clock Possession"Arabic Terror Message" Actually Said "Welcome Home" in Hebrew

It's a settlement all right. Related StoriesHave You Ever Paid Royalties for Singing "Happy Birthday to You"?God's Class Action DismissedTwitter Takedown of Scottish Scam

Enter if you dare ... but don't plan on suing later. Related StoriesAccused Italian Cheese Witch May Get New TrialMan Says He Danced on Police Car's Roof to Summon Aid Against VampiresGod's Class Action Dismissed

Lots of unanswered questions here. Can this be the next Serial? Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #56: Disagreed About the Value of a College EducationGood Reason to Kill #55: Dissed Your SmartphoneGood Reason to Kill #54: Was Eating All the Salsa

It's important to practicing law. Related StoriesIt's the Texas Law Hawk AgainToddler Enjoys Lawyer-Themed Birthday PartyDanny Trejo Does a Lawyer Ad

In this edition: yet another Bieber-related crime, the TSA at "work," a lawyer's argument about stirrups, and one surprisingly easy way to foil a bank robbery. Related StoriesNewsAssorted Stupidity #79Assorted Stupidity #78

The Dancing Man of Cottonwood Heights has been exonerated. Though questions remain. Related StoriesNo Dancing in Cottonwood HeightsCouncil Takes “Wrath of God” Resolution Off the AgendaUpon Further Review, I Don't Know What to Think

Talons of Justice. Related StoriesEfficient Client Service?Toddler Enjoys Lawyer-Themed Birthday PartyDanny Trejo Does a Lawyer Ad

Spoiler: it's not against the law. Related StoriesDancing Suddenly Okay Again in Cottonwood HeightsYes, You Could Get a DWI on a Barbie JeepUpon Further Review, I Don't Know What to Think

It's "disorderly conduct," according to some people. But hey, you can't be too careful. Look the other way and the next thing you know, ISIL will try a disco infiltration. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #80Dancing Suddenly Okay Again in Cottonwood HeightsFinally, a Use for Periscope

This is one of those we're-sorry-we-burned-that-person-a-few-centuries-ago cases, but that doesn't mean they all shouldn't get together now and have a second fake trial rigged to come out the right way this time. Related StoriesMan Says He Danced on Police Car's Roof to Summon Aid Against VampiresGod's Class Action DismissedSauron's Ring Makes Brains Disappear

But hopefully something that no one will ever need to use it for again. Related StoriesCops: We "Expected Privacy" Because We Tried to Smash All the CamerasLegislator Admits Voting While Under Influence of FacebookJudge Rules Man Fathered Only One Twin

This story has everything: a love triangle, a Christmas-party fracas at the zoo, meerkat experts, monkey handlers, and llama-keepers. Well, almost everything. Related StoriesJudge: Hulkster Limited at Trial to "One Plain Bandana"How Did That Taster's Choice Case Turn Out?Expert: Invitation to Child's Party Not Enforceable

Why you might want to have second thoughts the next time you're thinking about suing a child. Related StoriesGod's Class Action DismissedPlaintiff: Disney Promised to Help Me Build an X-Wing. Court: No It Didn'tHow Did That Taster's Choice Case Turn Out?

Hello, boys ... I'm back!Also I'm in custody on $500,000 bail. But still. Related StoriesInsane Clown Posse Wins AppealBREAKING: O.J. Simpson FreedJudge: Hulkster Limited at Trial to "One Plain Bandana"

"We adopt this Resolution before God that he pass us by in his Coming Wrath." Related StoriesGoat-Slayer Running for Florida SenateLegislator Admits Voting While Under Influence of FacebookCalifornia Town Calls for Ban on Space Weapons

Some say Augustus Sol Invictus sacrificed a goat to the pagan god of the wilderness and then drank goat blood. Actually, HE says that. But he has denied being a fascist who wants to start another Civil War, so let's not jump to conclusions. Related Stories"Game of Thrones" Fan Demands Trial by CombatToddler Enjoys Lawyer-Themed Birthday PartyEric Holder Begins New Career in Comedy

New website! Brief introductory post explaining a couple of things! Exciting! Sort of! Related StoriesA New WebsiteNewsA Shameless Request for Votes

I've been in the process of designing a new site for a while now and am just about ready to launch it. Exciting, I know. Anyway, here are a few minor things about the upcoming transition. Once the transfer starts... Related StoriesNewsA Shameless Request for VotesMOM! I'm Representing Myself, Okay?! God!

Other states may have their crustaceans, but only D.C. would have an amphipod. Which is also a crustacean, but still. And D.C. isn't a state, but also, still. Related StoriesD.C. Prepares to Name an Official AmphipodCostumed Bear Harasser Wanted by Authorities, EvolutionThe Octopus: Honorary Vertebrate?

As I mentioned back in April, although the District of Columbia is not a state it has adopted a few official things just like all the states have. At the time of that post it had limited itself to an... Related StoriesCostumed Bear Harasser Wanted by Authorities, EvolutionThe Octopus: Honorary Vertebrate?Official State Crap: District of Columbia

The Ninth Circuit made it just a little less likely that officers will try to yank something out of your butt without a warrant. Related StoriesGood News: Cops Now Slightly More Likely to Lube You FirstCleveland Police Agree to Stop Hitting People on the Head With GunsGod's Class Action Dismissed

Some things are funny because they're funny; other things are funny (at least to me) because they're so outrageous that the brain realizes the alternatives are fury, depression, or maybe furious depression, and it does what it can to channel... Related StoriesCleveland Police Agree to Stop Hitting People on the Head With GunsGod's Class Action DismissedProgress on the Police-Filming Front

Say—weren't there six to eight million oranges here just a minute ago? Related StoriesUpon Further Review, I Don't Know What to ThinkTIP: He's Probably Not Going to Show Your Snake to His GirlfriendBumbling Australian ATM Thief of the Week

A Florida man (no surprise there) has been charged with stealing some oranges, according to the Florida Department of Agriculture. Mostly oranges, anyway; depending on the mix and type of fruit he took, the number of oranges involved was probably... Related StoriesUpon Further Review, I Don't Know What to ThinkTIP: He's Probably Not Going to Show Your Snake to His GirlfriendBumbling Australian ATM Thief of the Week