Lowering the Bar

In this edition: meerkat expert wins on appeal, woman allegedly launched from commode, criminals with GPS issues, and yet another person who shouldn't talk to the press. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #84Assorted Stupidity #83Assorted Stupidity #82

Authorities have asked the public to alert them to anyone appearing to have burned or singed feet.

She will face a number of obstacles in this particular quest for justice. Related StoriesJury Laughs at Hot-Yoga GuyPowerball ProblemsYou Know, Karl, There Have Also Been Criminals Named “Karl”

Even in Scotland the pipes are occasionally unwanted. Related StoriesLucius Quintus Cincinnatus Lamar IIGood Reason to Kill #58: Star Wars SpoilerGollum Experts to Testify, Says Court

An enormously talented and controversial figure who was frequently wrong but willing to wear a funny hat in public. Related StoriesLucius Quintus Cincinnatus Lamar II

You may be surprised to know that no Florida case has yet addressed this question. Related StoriesTopless Gardener Scrapes Bottom of BarrelMonkey Loses Copyright Battle

Hold off on that royalty check you were about to write. Related StoriesMonkey Loses Copyright Battle

Don't wear them out of the house, actually, but if you must, at least don't wear them to court.

In this edition: the return of Beezow; a 50,000-volt penalty for talking in court; the South Carolina Legislature wastes some (more) time, and a defense to remember. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #83Assorted Stupidity #82

I have nothing against toplessness, but am anti-defrauding-the-elderly. Related StoriesIs an Alligator a “Deadly Weapon”?

Which, just FYI, is not a good sign if you weren't joking. Related StoriesYou Know, Karl, There Have Also Been Criminals Named “Karl”

The rule doesn't apply to men because they already know how to "look professional," he said. Related StoriesYou Know, Karl, There Have Also Been Criminals Named “Karl”Indiana Briefly Considered Fining Bad Anthem Singers

In this edition: Twitter crime, logo revision, autolitigation, and yet more security panic. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #82

And other impressively named justices of the U.S. Supreme Court. Related StoriesGollum Experts to Testify, Says Court

Whether it's racist is really the only one of those that's in serious dispute. Related StoriesKansas Senator Says Temptresses Must Cover ThemselvesYou Know, Karl, There Have Also Been Criminals Named “Karl”

They're pretty major, both pre- and post-winning.

But vows (through counsel) to appeal.

Even though, like all Imperial Stormtroopers, he really wasn't much of a threat. Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #58: Star Wars SpoilerYou Know, Karl, There Have Also Been Criminals Named “Karl”

You probably don't suffer from "auto-brewery syndrome," though, which is yet another reason not to drink and drive.

Make sure not to tell anybody in Montana that [redacted]. Related StoriesStormtrooper Arrested

They might not get there by Christmas, but you could tell the person you got them something, and isn't that really what matters?

Canada is now way ahead on a per-capita basis, but the U.S. still leads in absolute terms.

In this edition: DUI lawyer demonstrates what not to do, inmate sues for being allowed to escape, and poor planning leads to bigamy arrest. Also, your word of the day is "hibernaculum."

Tintoretto presumably an unindicted co-conspirator. Related StoriesGollum Experts to Testify, Says CourtIndiana Briefly Considered Fining Bad Anthem Singers

Stop whatever you're doing right now and spend 5:40 watching this NYT video. You'll be glad you did. Related Stories"God Would Not Go Around With Pants Down," Says CouncilmanThe Taiwanese Animators Notice Missouri's Failed GerrymanderCostumed Bear Harasser Wanted by Authorities, Evolution

Drop whatever you're doing and spend 5:40 watching this NYT re-enactment of a classic deposition transcript.

In response to the county commissioner who said we should be concerned about anybody named "Mohammed."

In response to the county commissioner who said we should be concerned about anybody named "Mohammed." [Now updated with dangerous-Wayne information.] Related StoriesKansas Senator: Terrorists Could Infiltrate Fort Leavenworth by ... Submarine?Cops: We "Expected Privacy" Because We Tried to Smash All the CamerasLawsuit Alleges Sherman Tank Damaged by “the Elements”

It came to its senses. Will Massachusetts and New Mexico do the same? Related StoriesGollum Experts to Testify, Says Court

It came to its senses. Will Massachusetts and New Mexico do the same? Related StoriesGollum Experts to Testify, Says CourtKansas Senator: Terrorists Could Infiltrate Fort Leavenworth by ... Submarine?The Torch Has Been Passed

Well, it's legal now, at least, although to be honest it's not the most danceable tune ever written.

Well, it's legal now, at least, although to be honest it's not the most danceable tune ever written. Related StoriesKlingon Used in Official CorrespondenceA Bit of Parliamentary Jiggery-PokeryLegislator Admits Voting While Under Influence of Facebook

What have they got in their pocketses, precious? We wants to know. Related StoriesIndiana Briefly Considered Fining Bad Anthem Singers

What have they got in their pocketses, precious? We wants to know. Related StoriesIndiana Briefly Considered Fining Bad Anthem SingersThe Torch Has Been Passed"Game of Thrones" Fan Demands Trial by Combat

In this edition: the schooling of a brain thief, criticism of the Secret Service, and another win for the Thought It Was a Giant Panda defense. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #80NewsAssorted Stupidity #79

Mass egging charged under anti-terrorism statute. Related StoriesDancing Suddenly Okay Again in Cottonwood HeightsWet Willy and Mr. NubMan's Spider Hunt Mistaken for Domestic Violence

Womanly shrieks reported. Related StoriesUtah Woman Charged With Causing Egg CatastropheAustralian Police Searching for Motorized-Picnic-Table RidersRaiders Player Faces Dog-Taunting Charges

"I'm sorry—he wanted death with what?" Related StoriesGuy Steals Four Million Pounds of OrangesUpon Further Review, I Don't Know What to ThinkTIP: He's Probably Not Going to Show Your Snake to His Girlfriend

To be fair, if you drop three hundred grand on an armored fighting vehicle, they really should be willing to touch up the paint. Related StoriesPlaintiff: Disney Promised to Help Me Build an X-Wing. Court: No It Didn'tUtah Court Says Woman Can Sue HerselfExpert: Invitation to Child's Party Not Enforceable

The individuals are not believed to be linked to terrorism.Updated with one relevant point and also something about kangaroos. Related StoriesYes, You Could Get a DWI on a Barbie JeepFormer Giant Tased After Drunken Scooter Chase

For just a few dollars you, too, can be bothersome to the TSA and possibly also help make legal precedent. Related StoriesTSA Update: Still Failin'Hey, It Ain't “Deadly Force” to Drop a Tree on a GuyAssorted Stupidity #80

The complaint has got problems. The court don't think he can solve 'em. Related StoriesHave You Ever Paid Royalties for Singing “Happy Birthday”?

Or to shoot him four times, apparently. Not enough of these 1200+ words are jokes, but the cartoon references I think are pretty good. Related StoriesTSA Protester Needs Your HelpGood News: Cops Now Slightly More Likely to Lube You FirstCleveland Police Agree to Stop Hitting People on the Head With Guns

The individual is said to have barked at the K-9 unit. Related StoriesDancing Suddenly Okay Again in Cottonwood HeightsUpon Further Review, I Don't Know What to ThinkHome of Throwed Rolls Sued for Throwin' Rolls

Tom Giesler's new book depicts inventions the world might be able to do without but really shouldn't have to. Related StoriesSpider-Man Clings to Wall of Supreme CourtOther Things to Read!Author Arrested for Writing About Murder in the 30th Century

What are the odds a lottery retailer would win so many times in the absence of shenanigans? Well ... "slim" might be an understatement. Related StoriesJudge Rules Man Fathered Only One TwinFinally, a Use for PeriscopeD.C. Prepares to Name an Official Amphipod

And in all the same ways. But the new administrator says now there's a "laser-focus on mission," so that's good. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #80Texas Police Won't Charge Muslim Boy With Clock Possession"Arabic Terror Message" Actually Said "Welcome Home" in Hebrew

It's a settlement all right. Related StoriesHave You Ever Paid Royalties for Singing "Happy Birthday to You"?God's Class Action DismissedTwitter Takedown of Scottish Scam

Enter if you dare ... but don't plan on suing later. Related StoriesAccused Italian Cheese Witch May Get New TrialMan Says He Danced on Police Car's Roof to Summon Aid Against VampiresGod's Class Action Dismissed

Lots of unanswered questions here. Can this be the next Serial? Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #56: Disagreed About the Value of a College EducationGood Reason to Kill #55: Dissed Your SmartphoneGood Reason to Kill #54: Was Eating All the Salsa