The Onion

VATICAN CITY—Unable to tune out the noisy altercation coming in loud and clear through his bedroom window, Pope Francis could not sleep Monday night because a heavily intoxicated cardinal was engaged in a shouting match with his girlfriend in St. Peter’s Square, sources within the Holy See reported. “Oh, for fuck’s…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In what is being hailed as the strongest evidence yet that Americans do not see a future with the 34-year-old X-ray technician, a new report released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center found that 72% of U.S. residents were planning to end things with Brian once the threat of Covid had receded. “Nearly three …Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Smiling sweetly in an effort to make themselves clear, the U.S. populace confirmed Tuesday they were glad they could spend $450 million for an astronaut to have a little epiphany about humanity’s place in the universe. “We’re always happy to help, and just delighted to shell out whatever you need so you can…Read more...

BERKELEY, CA—Calling the average American diet “severely lacking” in the proper amount of sediment, Geologists at UC Berkeley recommended Tuesday eating at least one small rock per day. “In order to live a healthy, balanced lifestyle, Americans should be ingesting at least a single serving of pebbles, geodes, or…Read more...

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The U.S. is facing a ketchup packet shortage after the coronavirus pandemic led to a surge in demand driven by accelerated take-out and delivery trends. What do you think?Read more...

BROOKLYN CENTER, MN—In response to the death of another unarmed Black man at the hands of Minnesota police, Brooklyn Center police chief Tim Gannon told reporters Monday that the officer who killed Daunte Wright accidentally discharged her weapon after being startled by the sight of a gun in her hand. “You have to…Read more...

President Biden announced several executive actions to tackle gun violence that include regulations on “ghost guns” and other effective but limited measures, while acknowledging the difficulties in passing any gun legislation through congress. What do you think?Read more...

Whether you’ve just adopted a puppy or have had your furry friend for years, it’s perfectly natural to have questions about being a canine parent. Here are several behavioral issues common to dogs and how to correct them.Read more...

BATON ROUGE, LA—Noting the phrase’s ubiquity as an answer to almost every uncomfortable societal question, sources confirmed Monday that the full range of objectionable human behavior was explained to local toddler Oliver Jordan as a person acting silly. “Everything from mental illness to public drunkenness to a…Read more...

MINNEAPOLIS—Promising that they would only have to return to the courtroom for a few days at most, Judge Peter A. Cahill asked the jury for the Derek Chauvin murder case Monday if they would mind sticking around for a couple more police misconduct trials. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we all know that there are…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Making their way toward the Capitol on all fours and in full leather bondage suits, thousands of gimps from across the country crawled on Washington Monday to press their demands for unfair treatment, according to reports from the scene. “We call upon those mistresses and masters in power to use and abuse…Read more...

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BLUE BELL, PA—In an effort to focus on practical skills, cadet Aaron Sanger studied for the police academy exam Monday by skimming over the sections in his training manual about deescalation techniques that he’ll never use in real life. “I guess I’m technically supposed to know this stuff, but there’s no way I’ll ever…Read more...

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BESSEMER, AL—Triumphant in the wake of the failed organization attempt at their Alabama warehouses, Amazon released a statement Friday celebrating the union defeat by raising all prices on customers by 150% anyway. “Although our fulfillment center workers declined to unionize today, we’re still going to jack up the…Read more...

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CALGARY, ALBERTA—Expressing frustration that she could not live up to such lofty standards, local woman Beatrice Golliver told reporters Friday she was devastated when she first realized she would never be as beautiful as Banff National Park in the Canadian Rockies. “When I was younger, I thought I…Read more...

American physicists recently discovered that a tiny subatomic particle called a muon does not conform to the laws of physics as currently understood, suggesting the potential discovery of a brand-new form of physics. The Onion looks back at a timeline of humankind’s major physics discoveries.

WASHINGTON—As part of an ongoing study of the nation’s attitudes toward confined spaces from which there is no perceivable escape, the Pew Research Center released a new poll Friday that found nearly all Americans hate being trapped in mazes. “Almost 95% of the U.S. residents we surveyed told us they really did not…Read more...

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A woman in the U.K. gave birth to twins conceived three weeks apart in a rare phenomenon called superfetation, which occurs when a separate, new pregnancy occurs during an initial pregnancy. What do you think?Read more...

CHARLOTTE, NC—Bringing him into Bank of America Stadium where they washed off the grime with a nice warm bath, the Carolina Panthers adopted a patchy-haired, shivering rescue quarterback named Sam Thursday, who had spent years being abused by the New York Jets. “When we saw him, our hearts just broke and we knew we…Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Weighing in on the matter after you had dressed for work and departed for the office, a new report issued Thursday determined that your choice of outfit this morning sure was an interesting one. “Wow, you look…um, that’s quite the ensemble you’ve got going there,” the report read in part, before continuing…Read more...

Boy, we have been absolutely loving our last few weeks slicing up Rachnoids and exploring the world outside Kamura village in Monster Hunter Rise. And, hey, if you happen to be on the fence because the idea of hunting creatures for loot doesn’t quite sit right with you, we have some great news. One of Rise’s best new…Read more...

BRYN MAWR, PA—Referring to the golf classic as a welcome change of pace, sources confirmed Thursday that the 2021 Masters was offering a brief respite to viewers who barely suffered from the pandemic. “I’m glad I can finally enjoy some major golf after spending all this time cooped up in my beach house,” said golf…Read more...

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Chile’s government distributed, and quietly recalled, 276,890 potentially flawed packets of birth control pills in 2020, resulting in at least 170 women believing they got pregnant because of the error. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Squeaking wildly to one another as the almost forgotten sound of human footsteps echoed through the lobby, a swarm of rats scrambled to hide their miniature, fully functioning amusement park and resort before workers returned to a local office building, reports confirmed Wednesday. According to sources, the…Read more...

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Yahoo announced that its long-running Q&A platform, Yahoo Answers, which quickly became a magnet for internet trolls and comedians to offer unhelpful responses, will permanently shut down on May 4. What do you think?Read more...

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Calling on her Republican colleagues for support, Arkansas state senator Jimmy Hickey Jr. warned Wednesday that a loophole in a new law could still allow transgender youth to exist. “We recognize that this legislation is incomplete, and I assure constituents we are working tirelessly on stopgap…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Dismissing the pay inequities between men and women in basketball as a problem that the women have not actually worked to solve, Warriors forward Draymond Green told reporters Wednesday that WNBA players who want to get paid should just hitch themselves to once-in-a-lifetime shooters. “Why don’t you go…Read more...

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PENSACOLA, FL—Wondering if this was a sign that their relationship was “official,” local 17-year-old high school student Sophie Garrett was overheard Wednesday asking her friend what it means when the guy you like wants a blanket pardon. “Has a guy ever mentioned something called a ‘blanket pardon,’” said the senior…Read more...

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PHILADELPHIA—According to a report released Wednesday from Wharton Business School, a growing number of companies are considering a hybrid model in which half of their workforce returns to the office while the other half is laid off. “The past year has really opened our eyes to far more flexible office models,…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Noting the deterioration of roadside dinosaur statues and giant twine balls, President Joe Biden unveiled a $4 trillion bill Wednesday to restore the nation’s crumbling highway attractions. “For far too long, our nation’s giant fiberglass hot dogs and triceratops statues have fallen into a state of…Read more...

Whether they served as powerful elected officials or as important figureheads behind the scenes, women have been key members of government since the dawn of time. Here are several influential women throughout history who shaped politics today as we know it.Read more...

Kyoto’s cherry blossoms peaked on March 26, the earliest bloom on record since 812 A.D., which scientists warn is a symptom of the larger climate crisis threatening ecosystems all across the globe. What do you think?Read more...

Major League Baseball is moving the 2021 All-Star Game and 2021 draft out of Atlanta in protest of a new Georgia law that has raised concerns about its potential to disproportionately disenfranchise minority voters. What do you think?Read more...

The past year has seen the most demand for housing since before the 2008 crash, and both real estate market experts and potential home-buyers are trying to understand what’s driving it. The Onion looks at the factors driving the competitive housing market.

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WASHINGTON—In an unusually scathing report issued Tuesday by the Government Accountability Office, investigators found that the Pentagon had paid a military contractor approximately $1 trillion over 15 years to develop a hat that still did not work. “The hat is constructed of some real state-of-the art, space-age…Read more...

When publisher Dotemu announced they were coming out with an all-new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game, everyone on our staff was over the moon imagining our favorite mutant fighters once again hitting the mean streets of New York to brawl it out with archenemies like Krang or Beebop and maybe even scrounge up a…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES— Following the $668,000 sale of a digital painting by Sophia, local fan Kerry Hayes reportedly became disillusioned with the mononymic robot artist Tuesday upon learning that she came from money. “Surprise, surprise—Sophia’s upbringing involved a great deal of money and connections,” said the disappointed…Read more...