on (#5DAY7)
And they weren’t even playing with it right. Hear why these dead children apparently thought it would be a good idea to ruin the fun for everyone else.Read more...
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-11-13 12:15 |
on (#5DAY8)
Canadian singer-songwriter The Weeknd will headline the 2021 Super Bowl Pepsi Halftime show in Tampa, Florida. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5DA44)
ATLANTA—Stressing the challenge of overcoming numerous obstacles, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Monday that the United States was finally on track to chuck out 1 million expired vaccines per day. “After spending months struggling with the vaccine rollout, we at the CDC are proud to announce…Read more...
on (#5DA1M)
LITTLE ROCK, AR—Announcing her official bid for governor, Sarah Huckabee Sanders vowed Monday to protect the good people of Arkansas from any questions. “As governor, I promise to do everything in my power to ensure Arkansans never have to answer another heinous question again,” said Sanders, who explained she was…Read more...
on (#5D9Z1)
LINCOLN, NE—Bestowing upon friends and family the hard-won knowledge of a lifetime filled with challenges and setbacks, wise and thoughtful elder Glen Weissman couldn’t seem to put a goddamn sock in it Monday, according to sources close to the retired farmer and Korean War veteran. “Grandpa may have learned a lot…Read more...
on (#5D9Z2)
BESSEMER, AL—Quietly gliding into a corner of the room as the rest of the warehouse employees filed in, a disguised Amazon drone reportedly snuck into a worker meeting Monday to disrupt union talks. “Hey guys, I don’t know about all this union stuff—doesn’t it feel like it could impact Amazon’s competitiveness in the…Read more...
on (#5D9SS)
LOS ANGELES—Calling the decision to reunite two super-powerful monsters a “recipe for disaster,” Los Angeles resident Patrick Underwood told reporters Monday that he knew nothing good ever happened when Godzilla and King Kong found themselves in the same movie. “I’m just saying, King Kong is a gigantic and…Read more...
on (#5D9ST)
The Arizona GOP voted on Saturday to censure Governor Doug Ducey for imposing emergency Covid-19 orders as well as former Senator Jeff Flake and Cindy McCain for supporting Joe Biden in the 2020 election. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5D9K7)
HARDISTY, ALBERTA—Growing emotional as he fastened himself to the oil transportation network, a tearful Justin Trudeau reportedly chained himself to the Keystone pipeline Friday to stop the Biden Administration from destroying a significant oil industry heritage site. “For years, this beautiful pipeline has held a…Read more...
on (#5D99F)
Hear why Congress is still looking for answers as to why this crucial defense system wasn’t used to melt rioters’ eyeballs right out of their skulls and incinerate their bodies instantly.Read more...
on (#5D99H)
Aldi joined Trader Joe’s and Dollar General this week in announcing plans to pay employees to get the Covid-19 vaccine when it becomes available. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5D6GC)
WASHINGTON—With a 26-0 vote of approval from the Senate Finance Committee, treasury secretary nominee Janet Yellen cleared a key confirmation hurdle Friday after correctly identifying a $5 bill in a blind taste test. “I’m definitely detecting notes of low denomination,” said the blindfolded Yellen, who reportedly…Read more...
on (#5D6GD)
With two up-and-coming teams taking on two recent powerhouses, this year’s NFL Conference Championship week is proof that whether you’re a hapless franchise down on its luck or a perennial title contender, the only thing that matters in football is having a good quarterback. Here are Onion Sports’ keys to victory for…Read more...
on (#5D6GE)
China has imposed sanctions on 28 members of the Trump administration, including Mike Pompeo, Steve Bannon, John Bolton, and Alex Azar, banning the former officials from entering mainland China or doing business in the country. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5D6GF)
GALÁPAGOS ISLANDS, ECUADOR—Looking forward to exploring a new chapter of her storied 60-year career, Jane Goodall issued a statement Friday announcing she’s all about lizards now. “Gila monsters, bearded dragons, Komodo dragons, Nile monitors, iguanas, jungle-runners, chameleons—you name it, and if it’s a lizard, then…Read more...
on (#5D6AP)
NEW YORK—Acknowledging that he was now completely bankrupt, comedian Jerry Seinfeld confirmed Friday that he was destitute after pouring his entire fortune into the purchase of a $950 million car. “Yes, it was expensive, but on the other hand, it’s a really incredible car, which is great since I’ll be living out of it…Read more...
on (#5D6AQ)
Following his inauguration, speculation has turned to what President Joe Biden will do with his first 100 days in office. The Onion takes a deep dive into the first 100 days of the Biden administration.
on (#5D5YA)
NFL official Sarah Thomas will become the first woman to officiate at the Super Bowl, where she will serve as the down judge. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5D5Y9)
With the Hitman trilogy finally wrapping up this month, series fans everywhere can celebrate a fittingly badass end to one of gaming’s great stealth antiheroes. But one nagging mystery—the story behind the protagonist’s iconic tattoos—remained unsolved. That is until today, when iO Interactive confirmed a long-rumored…Read more...
on (#5D5YB)
We have everything you need to know ahead of this weekend’s big legal battle.Read more...
on (#5D4XZ)
WASHINGTON—Lamenting the quick turnaround from the 2020 NBA “Bubble” to the start of a new season, the nation’s basketball fans admitted Thursday they could have used a longer break from TNT broadcaster Chris Webber. “Sure I’m worried about injures because of the compressed schedule, but more than that we really…Read more...
on (#5D4V8)
Dr. Anthony Fauci said in an interview that President Biden’s plan to have 100 million Americans vaccinated in his first 100 days in office is “absolutely a doable thing” as two more pharmaceutical companies submit vaccines for FDA approval. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5D4V9)
WASHINGTON—In response to questions about his plans for the agency at his Senate confirmation hearing, Secretary of Transportation nominee Pete Buttigieg vowed Thursday to bring together small-town and big-city streets into one beautiful American intersection. “The Biden administration in which I would serve wants to…Read more...
Archaeologists Uncover Separate Team Of Archaeologists Digging Towards Them From Other Side Of Globe
on (#5D4MA)
MENDOZA, ARGENTINA—Announcing that they had made an astounding once-in-a-lifetime discovery, a team of archaeologists from Rutgers University Thursday reportedly uncovered a separate team of archaeologists digging toward them from the other side of the globe. “While our initial assumption was that we had stumbled on…Read more...
on (#5D4MB)
We at OGN believe it’s impossible to overstate the importance of knowing your rights as a gamer. Especially in this day and age as more fanboys and girls than ever are seeing their civil liberties infringed upon for peaceful acts like trying to level up their Charmeleon or grab a few extra Power Moons. That’s why we…Read more...
on (#5D4D6)
Hear why authorities are now questioning how this 10 to 15 mph gust was able to get so close to the 78-year-old president in the first place.
on (#5D4AD)
Rescuers are working to save 22 people trapped 2,000 feet underground inside a gold mine that collapsed nine days ago in China’s eastern Shandong Province. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5D3Q8)
WASHINGTON—Paying $10,000 a ticket to participate in the festivities, wealthy Biden supporters waltzed with cardboard cutouts of the president and Vice President Kamala Harris Wednesday during the socially distanced inaugural ball. “It’s great to still be able to celebrate this historic day despite Covid…Read more...
on (#5D3HV)
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing there was no way they were wrong about this, the nation told reporters Wednesday they could have sworn there had already been a first female vice president. “Everyone’s calling Kamala Harris the first woman to be elected vice president, but surely there was at least one before that, right?”…Read more...
on (#5D3HX)
WASHINGTON—Smiling to himself about the historical parallels it invited, local white man Cam Hopkins told reporters Wednesday that he found it fitting that the day of Biden’s historic inauguration was also Martin Luther King Jr. Day. “It’s probably just a coincidence, but they really couldn’t have picked a day with…Read more...
on (#5D3AJ)
The New York Mets have fired General Manager Jared Porter for sending dozens of texts and explicit photos to a woman reporter in 2016. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5D3AK)
As Donald Trump’s divisive presidency draws to a close, questions have arisen as to the future plans of his administration, and whether they will face difficulties securing positions outside the White House. The Onion provides analysis of what the Trump administration members will do next.
on (#5D336)
WASHINGTON—Excited to see that the president had changed his mind about attending the historic event, inauguration guest Ted Mackie was reportedly pleased to see Trump crouching with a rifle on a nearby roof. “I know he was angry about the loss, but at the end of the day, he loves this country, and he wanted to make…Read more...
on (#5D2T1)
For the first time since 2016, the U.S. will join over 188 other nations in celebrating the career of the esteemed businesswoman-slash-model-slash-singer-slash-actress.Read more...
on (#5D1XS)
The FBI is screening all 25,000 National Guard troops involved in securing the Capitol during Joe Biden’s Wednesday inauguration due to concerns of an insider attack. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5D1V7)
MILFORD, UT—Peering into the middle distance with evident longing for something better, something more, researchers from Columbia University confirmed Tuesday that wild horses don’t have to worry about this, but only run free on the plains with the wind their manes. “What we’ve found is that all these worries, these…Read more...
on (#5D1V8)
NEW YORK—Apologizing for misleading readers after new evidence came to light, the New York Times announced Tuesday that it was retracting the entire podcast The Daily amid revelations that the newspaper had completely fabricated Michael Barbaro. “Our readers deserve transparency and accountability, which is why we’re…Read more...
on (#5D1RA)
President Trump is expected to issue up to 100 pardons and commutations before he leaves office Wednesday, though his advisors are urging him not to pardon himself, his family or his supporters from the January 6th Capitol riot. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5D1RB)
WASHINGTON—Saying the violent extremist had showed the grit and determination to earn his place on the coveted list, FBI director Christopher Wray told reporters Tuesday about plans to add white supremacist Peter Nowak to the agency’s Terrorists To Watch List. “Elevating Nowak to the top of this list is our way of…Read more...
on (#5D1JD)
How glad I am that that absolute heckscape known as 2020 is finally over! Whew! I don’t care if the year made the greatest novelty New Year’s eyeglasses of my lifetime! 2020? More like two-oh-two-NO! (No offense intended to anyone who had a great 2020.)Read more...