The Onion

SEARCY, AR—Saying he relied on a spontaneous, intuitive process he could not fully explain, a local man standing in line at Wendy’s Monday told reporters he knew his lunch order would come to him in the moment. “I never know exactly what I’ll say when I get up there, but I find it’s best to just go with the flow and…Read more...

“It’s Master Chief’s Sleep Number.” — CEO Bonnie Ross, on what the ‘343’ in 343 Industries stands forRead more...

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A case of a 2000 vintage Pétrus wine worth more than $6,000 a bottle and 300 vine shoots spent over a year on the International Space Station before returning to Earth to be tested by researchers to determine its effects. What do you think?Read more...

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Dr. Rachel Levine became the first out transgender federal official to be confirmed by the Senate, serving as assistant secretary of health at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. What do you think?Read more...

SAN DIEGO—Adopting the tactical maneuver immediately upon deployment at the San Diego Zoo, the Blanchard family of Chula Vista, CA fanned out into a classic wedge formation in order to assert, achieve, and maintain dominance of the sidewalk, sources confirmed Friday. “With the parents at the tip and the children…Read more...

SEATTLE—In response to recent criticism over whether the company permitted its employees sufficient bathroom breaks, Amazon announced Friday that it had improved workplace conditions by installing open waste grates on all of its warehouse floors. “By replacing all flooring in our distribution facilities with metal…Read more...

Most of the members of President Joe Biden’s cabinet have been confirmed following months of sometimes tense confirmation hearings. The Onion runs down key members of Biden’s cabinet.

WASHINGTON—As union membership continues its decades-long decline, a report released Friday by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics suggested support for workplace bargaining units would increase dramatically if every worker got one of those sharp-looking bomber jackets the Teamsters wear. “Our research indicates that…Read more...

SALEM, OR—Promising that it would only take a few moments so don’t get too upset, sources confirmed Friday that your system update means the computer is going to have to go away for a little while. Yes computer is going bye-bye, but sources promised computer will come back. Computer just needs a little rest and then…Read more...

SERENGETI, TANZANIA—Saying he ignored the repeated squeals for help, a local wildebeest mother blasted a producer of Our Planet Friday, accusing him of just standing by as a wild jackal ate her daughter. “My sweet baby was stalked for hours by this predator, and not once did the filmmakers step in and do something,”…Read more...

APPLETON, WI—Stepping triumphantly forward to take in all things that are his on the glass shelves, local man Merle Shappowitz reportedly threw open the doors of his refrigerator Friday like a feudal lord standing on a balcony overlooking his realm. According to sources, the noble calmly gazed upon his mighty steak…Read more...

WHITEHALL, PA—Plagued by a small but persistent inkling that he had lost the thread somewhere along the way, local conservative Pat Wilson reportedly took a moment away from berating a Disney Store employee about the lack of Miss Piggy merchandise Friday to worry whether he still knew who he was fighting. “Shame on…Read more...

Big news for widowed gamers! 343 Industries, developers of this year’s Halo Infinite, just confirmed that players who are widows will be able to download a black shawl for Master Chief to wear in-game. If you’re a Halo fan who’s bereaved and dearly missing your husband, it sounds like the next installment in the…Read more...

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A 224,000-ton container ship a quarter of a mile long has become wedged sideways in Egypt’s Suez Canal, a key global trade route, and may take weeks to remove. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Acting swiftly to ensure that the necessary demand was fully met, the City of L.A. booked 5,000 hotel rooms Thursday for police officers to take naps in between displacing homeless Angelenos. “LAPD officials need a place to rest and recuperate after long hours of putting up fences, throwing away personal…Read more...

I, Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, have faced countless challenges throughout my decades-long career. As a member of the British Royal Family and a representative of The Crown, I have survived two World Wars, the formation of the European Union, and now, the novel coronavirus. But today, I face my greatest…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Asking members of the House Energy and Commerce Committee if it was ever possible to trust what one sees, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey shapeshifted into a cat Thursday during testimony on his company’s role in spreading misinformation about Covid-19 and the 2020 presidential election. “Esteemed representatives,…Read more...

While every naturalized American citizen must take the U.S. citizenship exam, only one third of American-born citizens could actually pass it. How many answers to these basic U.S. civics questions can you answer correctly?Read more...

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NEW YORK—Feeling as if a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders, 28-year-old Madeline Springs told reporters Thursday she was relieved that she would no longer have to support a now-closed local bookstore. “Thank God I won’t have to be guilt-tripped by those chalkboard signs anymore,” said Springs, who recalled…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Claiming it has pushed the boundaries of what is capable in filmmaking, Industrial Light & Magic unveiled Thursday a new special effects technology able to age a young actress into an elderly 30-year-old. “With this groundbreaking aging process, we can take a young ingenue and realistically transform her…Read more...

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Krispy Kreme has announced that for the rest of 2021, it will be giving out a free glazed doughnut to anyone showing proof of receiving the Covid-19 vaccine as a promotion the company hopes motivates Americans to get vaccinated. What do you think?Read more...

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Gamers, there are times when lending a hand is the right thing to do, and times when it’s better to stand back give someone the space they need to figure things out on their own. When you see someone you care about struggling, you want to do everything you can, but sometimes it’s best to do nothing at all. Well, Wario…Read more...

After a weekend where massive crowds descended on the city to party, Miami Beach officials instituted a curfew, but expressed worries that they may need to take further measures to keep spring breakers from spreading Covid-19. The Onion offers some potential solutions for preventing a wild pandemic spring break.

BIDDEFORD, ME—Beginning to question his decision to stock the handmade novelty water pipe, local head shop owner Peter Minotis told reporters Wednesday he was starting to think no one would ever buy a $6,000 glass bong shaped like Genie from the 1992 Disney film Aladdin. “Man, I figured this thing would get snapped up…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Reminding the public that they weren’t there so there’s no way for them to tell what happened, the LA County Sheriff’s Department announced Wednesday that a recent officer-involved shooting had occurred after a homeless individual had threatened them with a weapon, as far as you know. “After responding to…Read more...

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ATLANTA—In an effort to better enforce Covid-19 guidelines, officials at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention were reportedly placing star stickers on a bulletin board Wednesday next to the names of Americans who had followed the rules through the whole pandemic thus far. “We wanted to recognize all the good…Read more...

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A woman who received one dose of the coronavirus vaccine late in her pregnancy recently gave birth to the first known baby in the U.S. born with Covid-19 antibodies, which doctors claim could resist the novel coronavirus. What do you think?Read more...

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—Finally stopping to consider the weight of the allegations after another massage therapist came forward, the 14th sexual assault lawsuit filed against Deshaun Watson Tuesday forced Texans fan Blaine Rockwell to reckon with a potential full-blown conspiracy against the quarterback. “I tried to avert…Read more...

The White House has confirmed that several staffers were suspended, told to resign, or work remotely because of past marijuana use, despite the administration in February relaxing its policies regarding employees and their history using the drug. What do you think?Read more...

MIAMI—Dismissing efforts to curb the coronavirus pandemic, spring breaker Jaden Renfrow told reporters Tuesday that he wouldn’t let the city’s curfew policy stop him from doing whatever he does while blackout drunk. “You’re stupid if you think some government regulation is keeping me from getting so hammered that I’m…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Vowing to get the single-paged thank-you note to its intended recipient within the next decade, U.S. Postmaster Louis DeJoy unveiled a 10-year plan Tuesday to deliver a letter. “After months of careful planning and budgeting, we have determined a system in which the U.S. Postal Service will be able to…Read more...

CULVER CITY, CA—Drawing criticism for repeatedly distracting from the iconic game show’s proceedings, Jeopardy! guest host Dr. Mehmet Oz reportedly came under fire Tuesday for claims he could have cured Alex Trebek’s pancreatic cancer with these three simple tips. “Look, he wasn’t terrible, but I just wish Dr. Oz…Read more...

DAYTON, OH—Unable to determine the root cause of the child’s complete emotional ineptitude, local parents Josh and Lindsey Stecher told reporters Tuesday it was unclear if their toddler Aiden’s social skills had been damaged by his isolation during the pandemic or if he was simply taking after Dad. “Sure, the reason…Read more...

SHAANXI PROVINCE, CHINA—Beating out fan favorites Shunan and Wanglang as the top destination, Foping Bamboo Forest was named best outdoor dining spot Tuesday by Panda Quarterly. “A classic dining experience that has been leaving patrons satisfied for hundreds of years, if you’re ever in the area, you need to have a…Read more...

NEW YORK—Sending a clear message that taking advantage of company time would not be tolerated, human resources officer Abigail Styner warned employees Tuesday against taking unsanctioned 8-hour naps every night while working from home. “We try to give our employees a lot of leeway in terms of how they structure their…Read more...

Miami Beach officials extended the state of emergency and 8 p.m. curfew after struggling to control large and unruly crowds in town for spring break. What do you think?Read more...

ARLINGTON, VA—Shedding light on the impact of the country’s poorly maintained infrastructure, a report published Monday by the American Transportation Research Institute found that the nation’s collapsed bridges saved hundreds of people from jumping off them annually. “Each year, the widespread degradation of bridges…Read more...

PITTSBURGH—Revealing how the big cats came to be such solitary creatures, researchers at Carnegie Mellon University published a study Monday that concluded snow leopards avoid engaging in social behaviors because they’re arrogant bastards who think they’re better than everybody else. “According to our findings, snow…Read more...

Muhammad Abdullah Khalil Hussain Ar-Rahayyal: Following his hijacking of Pan Am Flight 73 in 1986 that resulted in the death of 20 passengers, Ar-Rahayyal settled down to a quiet life in Montgomery, where he opened a profitable ice cream shop that has since grown into an international multi-billion dollar franchise.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Noting the state’s redundancy within the union, Gallup released a new poll Monday showing national support coalescing behind giving North Dakota’s statehood to Washington, D.C. “We have a use-it-or-lose-it policy and North Dakota hasn’t shown us enough,” said poll participant Andy Larkin, echoing the…Read more...

CHARLOTTE, NC—Hopping online to quickly do, well we don’t quite remember, before ending up here, a new report from Stanford University showed Monday that you were supposed to be looking something up right now. The minutes-long study released today claims that there is definitely a reason you are online right now, but…Read more...