The Onion

NEW YORK—Expressing confusion over players’ work ethic, NCAA president Mark Emmert wondered Friday why financially struggling student athletes didn’t just exploit the labor of others. “We understand students may often feel financial pressure, but they did not need to ask us for money when they could simply go out and…Read more...

ST. LOUIS—Following more than a month of halfhearted adherence to guidelines put in place to combat Covid-19, local man Luke Bradley confirmed Friday that he was unsure if he could take another six weeks of barely adopting practices recommended by the Centers for Disease Control. “I honestly don’t know how much longer…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Addressing allegations by Tara Reade that the Democratic presidential candidate sexually assaulted her during her time as a Senate aide, Joe Biden responded after weeks of silence Friday by telling reporters, “My advisors told me to say they aren’t true.” “I want to be clear—my campaign staff explicitly…Read more...

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Exciting news, battle royale fans! As any diehard gamer already knows, Fortnite hosted a virtual Travis Scott concert last week that attracted 12.3 million simultaneous players for a mind-melting psychedelic spectacle. Well, as a follow-up to that event’s unprecedented success, Epic Games just announced that…Read more...

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HASTINGS-ON-HUDSON, NY—Acknowledging that it certainly wasn’t a good thing but there were more pressing matters, Americans across the country reacted with indifference Friday following reports of the first case of Covid-19 spreading to a pet ferret. “Huh, how about that,” said Sandra Goetz, 34, echoing the sentiments…Read more...

Research suggests the dangers of the coronavirus pandemic likely won’t subside for months, if not longer, and experts have warned that human relationships could be forever affected by prolonged isolation, as well as efforts to prevent future recurrences. The Onion looks at how coronavirus will change human…Read more...

The U.S. may have some big changes coming its way after being acquired by Prospect Capital Partners. Hear what this could mean for the newly renamed United50’s future, assuming it has one.Read more...

Paleontologists say the anatomy of a newly discovered tail fossil proves that Spinosaurus, a carnivore that lived during the Cretaceous Period, could swim through the water much like a crocodile, making it the first-known swimming dinosaur. What do you think?Read more...

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NEWCASTLE, WA—Expressing nostalgia for the routines of his life before stay-at-home orders began, local man Bryan Miller told reporters Thursday he had lost any sense of how much time had passed since he last danced through his community’s central square trailed by a rollicking chorus of friendly townspeople. “Was it…Read more...

SANTA CLARITA, CA—Saying they weren’t exactly thrilled that the universe paired them together with an unbreakable cosmic link, siblings Jessica and Grant Karlsson told reporters Thursday that, like everyone else, they didn’t like that they were soulmates either. “Look, if I could fall in love with anyone else on the…Read more...

DENVER—Following weeks of being continually sheltered in place with the 4-year-old, exhausted parents Josh and Natasha Kachel admitted Thursday that they were struggling to limit their son’s time using the family gun. “We used to only let him use it for about an hour every day, but with the quarantine, it’s just been…Read more...

ATLANTA—Mocking the media’s glorification of a player who faced a supposedly soft, talent-deluded league, former NBA star Charles Barkley claimed Thursday that Michael Jordan would have been nothing special if he had played in Barkley’s era. “Look, I know Jordan was good, but guys in my day were just much tougher. He…Read more...

MILWAUKEE—After he flaunted the opulent receptacle on his front porch and sipped from it in a display of lavish decadence, witnesses confirmed Thursday that local bourgeois pig Kyle Evans, Mr. Moneybags himself, owned a fancy glass designed specifically for drinking wine. “He must think he’s a Rockefeller, buying a…Read more...

DULUTH, MN—Noting the palpable effort being exerted by the online resource, sources confirmed Thursday that children’s educational website Science4Kidz.com was clearly struggling to come up with 10 facts pertaining to slugs. “They started out pretty strong with, ‘Slugs have thousands of tiny teeth,’ but there was a…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Urging supporters to help out and chip in as much as they can, the Joe Biden presidential campaign sent a fundraising email Thursday reminding donors that sexual assault allegations don’t bury themselves. “Now, more than ever, the Biden campaign needs your support in sweeping this under the rug,” read the…Read more...

Despite the hospital’s mandatory mask policy, Vice President Mike Pence declined to cover his face while visiting with Mayo Clinic staff and patients this week, saying he is tested regularly and does not have coronavirus. What do you think?Read more...

For many Nintendo fans, The Legend Of Zelda series represents the pinnacle of gaming. Whether it’s the sheer whimsy of The Wind Waker or the groundbreaking adventure of Ocarina Of Time, Shigeru Miyamoto’s iconic franchise inspires a sense of wonder and exploration few titles can match. That’s why a recent discussion…Read more...

Kate Feinstein: This is one scorching-hot photo of Kate.Read more...

When COVID-19 struck, 17 year-old Syndney Powell was worried she might never get to take cash from her grandma again, so she decided to do something special. And now, she’s inspiring grandchildren all over the country to do the same.Read more...

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Kim Jong Un’s public absence over the last two weeks has fueled rumors he is gravely ill or possibly dead, raising questions about who will succeed the North Korean dictator who has systematically purged high-level government officials and family members over the last several years. What do you think?Read more...

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America now has more than one million documented coronavirus cases, though health experts agree the real number is probably substantially higher as only 5.6 million people have been tested for the disease. What do you think?Read more...

With millions of people filing for unemployment amid the coronavirus pandemic, attention has turned to how employment now compares to historical U.S. trends. The Onion looks back at a historical timeline of U.S. employment.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Responding to the fallout of accusations against Joe Biden in a series of social media posts and media appearances, Republican politicians and commentators ridiculed Democrats Wednesday for apparently caring as little about sexual assault as they do. “The silence of liberals on these allegations speaks…Read more...

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Capping off a lengthy period of existence, longtime person Jane Brooks reportedly died Wednesday at the age of 86. “The individual, who spent her entire life as a human being, passed away due to congestive heart failure after more than 80 years of being a person,” said neighbor Susan Lansing,…Read more...

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SEATTLE—Deciding against interrupting the actually quite gripping call on marketing and customer research, local Zoom crasher Mike Gromer reportedly became too engrossed in a sales meeting Wednesday to scream obscenities. “I planned on barging in and shouting a bunch of white supremacist stuff, but they were…Read more...

The world may have shut down due to Covid-19, but The Onion’s army of underpaid chefs and journalists is still hard at work. Here are 10 tried-and-true dishes approved by The Onion’s Test Kitchen to help you get through quarantine.Read more...

HACKENSACK, NJ—Quickly rebranding their packaging with images of the Trail of Tears and the Ku Klux Klan blood drop cross, a host of other butter companies were scrambling this week to fill the racism void left by Land-O-Lakes. “Real Americans understand that it’s important to celebrate our shared history, and we want…Read more...

And really hard ones, too. Hear how the latest blunder by the federal government is frustrating doctors and state officials.Read more...

One way developers often depict their game environments is by including a clump of grass. Here are 10 clumps of grass in video games.Read more...

One look at the Oscar winner in this stunning Dior gown and you’ll be saying, “I completely understand why the International Telecommunication Union and World Meteorological Organization still haven’t chosen to complete ratification of the flawed VCLTIO.”Read more...

Health experts say doctors are administering less than half the normal amount of immunizations for illness like HPV, whooping cough, measles, mumps, and rubella, as parents postpone wellness visits for their children during the coronavirus pandemic. What do you think?Read more...

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GLADEWATER, TX—Following the Texas governor’s announcement that the state’s economy will begin reopening later this week, local Waffle House waitress Barb Jefferson shrugged and told reporters Tuesday she had spent every shift for the past two decades expecting to die in the restaurant anyway. “I’ve worked nights here…Read more...

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Due to concerns about coronavirus living on household surfaces, Airbnb announced they are requesting hosts wait a full 24 hours between each guest and have rolled out new cleaning protocols intended to make customers feel safer. What do you think?Read more...

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You place your hand on your heart and sing with fervor whenever you hear the stirring opening line of the national anthem: “Around our flag we stand united / With one wish and one goal”Read more...

More American retailers are doing their part to help protect our most vulnerable populations. Hear how Walgreens stores nationwide will now be open from 7 a.m. to 9 a.m. exclusively for brain-dead morons who have no fucking clue how to maintain a safe distance from their fellow shoppers.Read more...

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