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Updated 2025-07-04 20:00
Study: Pitbull Owners 10 Times More Likely To Bite Pedestrians Than Owners Of Other Dog Breeds
New data today is backing up claims that pitbull owners, on average, tend to be more aggressive and territorial than owners of German shepherds or rottweilers.Read more...
Report: This Article Successfully Pads Out Content Quota
CHICAGO—According to a new report released Friday, this article, the one you are currently reading, has successfully padded out The Onion’s daily content quota and is expected to help generate the minimum level of web traffic necessary to keep the publication financially viable. “All indicators suggest this article…Read more...
Area Dad Just Sort Of Assumed He Could Build Treehouse
SUPERIOR, CO—Standing amid a pile of lumber and an assortment of tools while his disappointed children looked on, area dad Justin Morse admitted to reporters Friday that he just sort of assumed he could build a treehouse. “The kids wanted a treehouse so I told them I’d build one, and I guess I figured that I…Read more...
Mitch Trubisky Studying Game Tapes In Hopes Of Discovering What Bears Saw In Him In First Place
CHICAGO—Scouring plays for any hint at something that could provide insight, Chicago quarterback Mitch Trubisky reportedly spent Thursday studying game tape in hopes of discovering what the Bears saw in him in the first place. “I look at my throwing mechanics and think they must be nuts, but there must have been…Read more...
Court Approves $800 Million Settlement For Las Vegas Shooting Victims
A judge on Wednesday approved an $800 million settlement between MGM Resorts and more than 4,400 relatives and victims of the October 2017 Las Vegas mass shooting, with the casino paying $49 million and acknowledging no liability while its insurers cover the remaining $751 million. What do you think?Read more...
Car Commercial Implying Some Sort of Link Between Owning Lincoln Corsair And Daughter Becoming An Astronaut
KANSAS CITY, MO—As it cuts from a young girl in the car with her father to a grown woman pulling on a NASA helmet as her old man proudly looks on, a TV commercial is implying some sort of link between owning a Lincoln Corsair and having a daughter who becomes an astronaut, sources confirmed Thursday. “Gotta admit I’m…Read more...
Townspeople Declare We All Decent Folks Round These Parts Who Don’t Want No Trouble
LOWELL TOWNSHIP—Announcing their longstanding policy of keeping to themselves mostly, local townspeople declared Monday that they were all decent folks round these parts and didn’t want no trouble. “We’re just simple folk and don’t need no out-of-towners coming down and stirring up a fuss,” said shop proprietor Tom…Read more...
FBI Demands Apple’s Assistance In Opening iPhone Packaging
WASHINGTON—Insisting it was the tech giant’s civic duty to cooperate with authorities in such matters, the Federal Bureau of Investigation reportedly contacted Apple Monday to demand its assistance in opening an iPhone 11’s packaging. “It is absolutely imperative that Apple grant us access to the contents of this…Read more...
Everything We Know About ‘Amnesia: Rebirth’
Fall is upon us, and with it comes the perfect season for another installment from one of the best examples of the survival horror genre. That’s right, gamers. Turn off the lights and get ready for terror. Here’s everything we know about Amnesia: Rebirth.
Family Priced Out Of Grocery Store Produce Section
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Outline Of Penis Visible In Old Photo Of Dad
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Disney World On Lockdown After Mickey Escapes Enclosure, Rampages Through Park
Hear what steps Disney workers are taking to keep parkgoers safe from the bloodthirsty beast.Read more...
Botticelli Portrait Expected To Sell For Over $80 Million
A 550-year-old painting of a young nobleman by Renaissance master Sandro Botticelli is expected to sell for well over $80 million when it goes to auction next year, due in part to it being one of just 12 known portraits attributed to the artist. What do you think?Read more...
Xi Jinping Critic Sentenced To 18 Years In Prison
Chinese business tycoon Ren Zhiqiang was sentenced Tuesday to 18 years in prison on corruption charges, which legal observers believe is likely retaliation for penning an essay earlier this year in which he called President Xi Jinping “a clown stripped naked who insisted on continuing being emperor.” What do you think?Read more...
Mitt Romney Backs Filling Supreme Court Vacancy Before Election
Utah Senator Mitt Romney announced his support Tuesday for confirming a new Supreme Court Justice before the November election, clearing the way for President Trump’s nominee despite publicly holding the opposite stance when President Obama nominated Merrick Garland in 2016. What do you think?Read more...
Trump’s Potential Supreme Court Nominees
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Terry Francona’s Face Shield Splattered With Chew Spit
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Potential Outcomes For Ginsburg’s Vacant Supreme Court Seat
The passing of Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has led to a flurry of speculation and controversy about what will happen with her seat so close to the presidential election and several key Senate elections. The Onion looks at potential outcomes for the late justice’s vacant Supreme Court seat.
Hiker Wandering Through Oregon Forest Enjoying Vibrant Reds And Golds Of Fall
SUMMER LAKE, OR—Saying the blazing orange hues always put him in a certain autumnal state of mind, local hiker Jeff Sanders spent Wednesday morning wandering through an Oregon forest to enjoy the vibrant reds and golds of fall. “Boy, it’s incredible to get out of the city and see the beauty and splendor of nature up…Read more...
NASA Scientists Confirm Earth Dating The Moon
WASHINGTON—Following years of speculation by the world’s foremost astronomers, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration confirmed Monday that the Earth is dating the Moon. “The two have been seen together regularly for the past 4.5 billion years, and we have now learned that Earth and its Moon are indeed in a…Read more...
Calf Annoyed By Mother Always Giving Guilt Trip About How Vet Had To Stick Chain Up Vagina To Pull Her Out
GLADWIN, MI—Snapping tersely at her mom for once again bringing up her complicated labor, 10-month-old cow Honeybun expressed annoyance Wednesday that her mother was always giving her a guilt trip with the story of how the vet had to stick a chain up her vagina to pull her out. “Oh my god, I get it already, I’ve been…Read more...
Napkin Industry Under Fire For History Of Holding Greasy Slobs To Impossible Beauty Standards
After ongoing public outcry from body positivity experts, hear why many popular napkin brands are changing their messaging today and proclaiming that gravy-stained bodies are beautiful.Read more...
Unitely News
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Trump Administration Names 3 Cities ‘Anarchy Jurisdictions’
The Department of Justice on Monday named Seattle, Portland, and New York “anarchy jurisdictions,” and President Trump announced he would withhold federal aid from those cities, though constitutional law experts say the order would not likely be upheld in court. What do you think?Read more...
‘Schitt’s Creek’ Sweeps Emmys
The Canadian television sitcom Schitt’s Creek swept the 72nd Primetime Emmy Awards, taking home nine prizes, including all seven major awards for which it was nominated, and setting a record for most Emmy wins for a comedy series in a single season. What do you think?Read more...
Earth Hopes Weird Burning Sensation Nothing Serious
LITTLEROCK, CA—Wondering if it should get the stabbing discomfort checked out, Earth reportedly expressed hope Tuesday that a weird burning sensation was nothing serious. “There’s this nagging feeling of burning that seems to be spreading around, and I’m really starting to worry that it’s indicative of a much bigger…Read more...
CDC Announces Children Will Be Last To Receive Covid Vaccine Because What Are Those Little Twerps Going To Do About It
ATLANTA—Outlining their priorities guiding the development and distribution of an immunizing agent against the deadly virus, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reportedly announced Tuesday that children will be the last to receive a Covid-19 vaccine because what are those little twerps going to do about…Read more...
Girlfriend Doing Something With Leaves From Outside
SAGINAW, MI—Insisting that no one was allowed to touch the small pile of foliage on the dining room table, local girlfriend Michelle Slagle, 27, was doing something with the leaves from outside, sources confirmed Tuesday. “It could be that these leaves are for a craft project or to make potpourri, but there’s really…Read more...
Guy Who Asked For Personal Information Definitely Seemed Like Census Taker
BANDON, OR—Explaining that the visitor had appeared legitimate for the most part, area man Robert Moralis told reporters the guy who came to his house Tuesday and asked for his personal information definitely seemed like a census taker. “Anyone who wants that many details about that many areas of my life would, I…Read more...
How Social Media Will Affect The 2020 Election
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‘Then The Pandemic Hit And We Decided It Was Too Scary To Break Up’ Conclude Heartfelt Wedding Vows In 2022
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Father Reminds Child He Should Never Ever Handle Gun Unless He’s Super Bored
JASPER, IN—Stressing the firearm was for “emergencies only,” local father Kenny Webb reminded his son Nolan that he should never ever handle his gun unless he’s super bored, household sources confirmed Tuesday. “Let me be clear: This gun is not a toy, so you shouldn’t play with it unless you can’t think of anything…Read more...
National Weather Service Warns Recent Snow-Cainado May Be Tied To Professor Barnabas T. Vile’s Weather Destabilizing Machine
Part blizzard, part hurricane, part tornado—all destruction. We have the latest on this unprecedented tsunami-hailstorm combination and why many experts believe it could be caused by the villainous Professor Vile and his weather-destabilizing machine.Read more...
Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 22, 2020
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Airlines Offer Flights To Nowhere
Airlines in Japan, Brunei, Taiwan, and Australia have begun offering short flights that take off and land in the same location for people who miss flying, with many flights selling out as soon as they become available. What do you think?Read more...
Smoke Alarm Sick Of Being Yelled At For Doing Its Job
CHICAGO—Voicing anger over what it described as a severely hostile work environment, a local smoke alarm announced Monday that it was fed up with being yelled at for simply doing its job. “I’m sick and tired of people cursing me out just for telling them their goddamn house is on fire!” said the smoke alarm, which…Read more...
The Onion Looks Back At The Life And Legacy Of Ruth Bader Ginsburg
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Self-Defense Experts Say Pushing Assailants Gun Against Own Forehead Still Best Way To Show You Don’t Care Whether You Live Or Die
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the unmistakable clarity of the dramatic conflict resolution maneuver, top self-defense experts confirmed Monday that seizing the barrel of your assailant’s gun and pushing it against your own forehead remains the foremost method of demonstrating that you no longer care whether you live or die.…Read more...
L.A. Mayor Unveils Push To End Homelessness By Sending Around Some Pretty Reasonable Zillow Listings
LOS ANGELES—In an effort to help alleviate the city’s worsening crisis, Mayor Eric Garcetti unveiled a new initiative Monday to assist homeless individuals by sending around some Zillow listings that looked pretty reasonable. “We need to act decisively to help our unhoused brothers and sisters, which is why I’ve…Read more...
Student Loan Debt Making It More Difficult For Millennials To Subscribe To The Topical’s Patreon Despite Incredibly Low-Priced Membership Tiers
Hear why many young professionals saddled with student loan debt are struggling to afford basic necessities, like early access to episodes and exclusive content, despite it being priced as low as $5 per month.Read more...
Wildfires Leave Portland With Worst Air Quality In World
Fires blazing across the West Coast have left Portland, Oregon with the most polluted air in the world right now according to air-quality monitoring site IQAir, which lists the city’s air as “actively hazardous.” What do you think?Read more...
Virtual 2020 Emmy Awards Will Be Live Event
The 72nd Primetime Emmy Awards will broadcast live this Sunday hosted by Jimmy Kimmel, with performers and nominees participating from their homes. What do you think?Read more...
Conservative Conspiracy Theorist Outraged After Stumbling Upon Entire Netflix Section Dedicated To Kids
HOUMA, LA—Expressing disbelief about what he was seeing, local conservative conspiracy theorist Ted Biddle was reportedly outraged Friday after stumbling upon an entire section on Netflix dedicated to kids. “Jesus Christ, this is more fucked up than we ever realized—it says ‘Kids’ right there!” said Biddle, who leapt…Read more...
Man Feels Like He Can’t Breathe With Mask Wadded Up In Mouth
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White House Vows To Have Something To Stick Into Your Arm By October
WASHINGTON—Stressing that the vial would be filled with liquid odds and ends, President Donald Trump vowed Friday to have something to stick into your arm by October. “Today, I pledge to all citizens of this great nation that within the next few months, you will be able to go somewhere, sit down, and then pay to have…Read more...
Effects Of Future Climate Change Migration
The rise of massive annual wildfires and hurricanes around the U.S. has shone a spotlight on whether certain areas of the country will be habitable in the future, a reality that would reshape America in many ways. The Onion looks at the effects of future climate change migration.
Scientists Study Brains Of Baseball Fans To Find Out How They Stay Interested During First 7 Innings
SEATTLE—Revealing that the mystery has baffled scientists for the past hundred years, researchers at the University of Washington announced Friday that they have been studying the brains of select baseball fans to discover how they manage to stay interested throughout the first seven innings. “Although we have been…Read more...
Girl Scout Troop Raises Over $100,000 To Buy Corvette Because Fuck It, It’s Their Money, They Can Do What They Want
Hear the heartwarming story of Troop 242, and why this year they decided to put their Girl Scout cookie proceeds to good use and buy a 2020 Corvette Stingray with a 6-liter V8 engine and 400-plus horsepower.Read more...
Barbados To Remove Queen Elizabeth As Head Of State
The Caribbean island nation of Barbados plans to remove Queen Elizabeth as its head of state by the end of 2021 and become an independent republic. What do you think?Read more...
Cool Dog Doesn't Give A Shit About Other Dog Passing Him On Sidewalk
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