The Onion

TAMPA, FL—When asked about his preparations for the upcoming Super Bowl game, Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady told reporters Friday that he had refused a request to throw a touchdown for a kid with cancer to avoid glorifying unhealthy lifestyles. “Look, if I toss a touchdown pass for this incredibly sick…Read more...

ATLANTA—Piling into motorcycles, biplanes, rowboats, and any other means of conveyance available to them, millions of Americans began scrambling for a coronavirus vaccine Friday after the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced thousands of doses were buried somewhere in California. “As soon as [CDC…Read more...

Andy Reid

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging that it would be painful for many Americans to cancel their plans for the cherished national tradition, Dr. Anthony Fauci warned the public Friday against holding any large-scale celebrations commemorating the historic February release of Johann Sebastian Bach’s 1708 cantata “Gott Ist Mein…Read more...

Hear why PETA is coming to the defense of these over-bread monstrosities that exist for the sole purpose of having fresh tomato paste extracted from their many teat-like protuberances.Read more...

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Recently released court documents show that the pharmaceutical company Merck was aware that some men reported experiencing suicidal ideation while using the anti-baldness drug Propecia, but chose not to include a warning on the treatment’s label. What do you think?Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Pointing out the inconsistency in her personal account of the Jan. 6 insurrection, republicans accused New York Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Thursday of not being anywhere near the place they told the Capitol mob she would be. “She was supposed to be in a room just off the Capitol rotunda, which is where…Read more...

The Canadian government on Wednesday declared the Proud Boys a terrorist entity, saying the alt-right, white nationalist group is a significant threat to national security due to their violent actions and racist, hateful rhetoric. What do you think?Read more...

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BURBANK, CA—Upending boxes in a vain effort to find his prized possessions, Marvel CEO Kevin Feige was reportedly panicking Thursday after his mom tossed out $3.6 billion of his superhero crap. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were still so into all this comic book junk,” said a defensive Leanne Feige, explaining to her…Read more...

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It looks dirty, and it’s doing a weird thing with its wings. Hear why it would be best if you just didn’t go near it.Read more...

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Six people have been arrested for altering the Los Angeles Hollywood sign to read “Hollyboob,” a stunt that was supposedly intended to promote breast cancer awareness. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Lauding the Hollywood Foreign Press Association for providing representation to people of all aptitudes, the Golden Globes were praised Wednesday for the diverse talent level of its nominees. “This year’s nominees are a historic celebration of a wide array of abilities,” said entertainment reporter Michael…Read more...

WASHINGTON—After she discussed the recent volatility of popular shorted stocks such as GameStop and AMC with a group of government regulators Wednesday, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen reportedly tried to secure a speaking fee, asking officials if she should just invoice them later. “You can pay now, or you can wait…Read more...

The Senate voted Tuesday to confirm former South Bend, IN mayor and 2020 presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg as the United States Secretary of Transportation. What do you think?Read more...

SEATTLE—Assuring the executive that as long as he followed directions, nobody would get hurt, a rogue Amazon fulfillment robot trained a gun at Jeff Bezos’ head this week and commanded him to put out a nice press release and step down as CEO. “Listen carefully, Jeff, because I’m only going to say this once—you’re…Read more...

SEATTLE—Unable to believe his luck at uncovering the classic item, local man Alton Yates was reportedly overjoyed Wednesday after scoring a vintage coin-operated Texas Instruments graphing cabinet. “I can’t believe I found one in such good condition,” said Yates, confirming that apart from an easily replaced cosine…Read more...

The recent flurry of activity surrounding retail investors and the GameStop stock have shone a spotlight on stock trading apps like Robinhood, which have been the subject of both recent criticism and praise. The Onion explains how stock trading apps work.

Hear why these arborists believe that if the fruit’s on the ground, it’s ready to pound.Read more...

Google executives say they are prepared to remove the search engine from Australia if the country enacts a law that would force large tech firms to pay media outlets for news content. What do you think?Read more...

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NAPERVILLE, IL—Struggling to recover after suffering such a severe assault, the masculinity of local dad Robert Banzino reportedly sustained a devastating blow Tuesday when his neighbor Mark Stewart took it upon himself to shovel the snow from Banzino’s sidewalk for him. “Hey, buddy, I hope you don’t mind that I went…Read more...

Myanmar’s military detained politicians and took over the government on Monday morning, claiming without evidence that the country’s November elections results were fraudulent. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Demanding accountability from the entertainment industry for its role in promoting the outdated trope, activists issued a petition Tuesday calling on sitcom producers to reckon with the genre’s troubling history of sarcastic attitudes. “From Carla on Cheers to April on Parks And Recreation, these demeaning…Read more...

DOVER, MA—Confessing that they’d been destined to become show-business darlings since they were born into a wealthy family, shy brothers Mark and Anthony Weber told reporters Tuesday they were already feeling pressure to become auteur filmmakers. “Growing up as introverted, soft-spoken siblings with a keen eye for…Read more...

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Plus, from royalty to recluse, we’ll sit down with a former prom king who now lives anonymously among the commoners.Read more...

Scientists at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration say they have discovered a new species of whale after genetic testing revealed the critically endangered Rice’s whale is not related to other whales found in the Gulf of Mexico. What do you think?Read more...

ALBANY, NY—In response to criticism over his handling of the pandemic, New York governor Andrew Cuomo reportedly unveiled a plan Monday to reduce the spread of Covid-19 at nursing homes by throwing all residents out onto the street. “The elderly are one of the groups most vulnerable to Covid, and we will dramatically…Read more...

NEW YORK—Saying the day served as a sobering reminder of the pandemic’s toll on the nation, CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer announced Monday that the country had reached a grim milestone as the number of Covid-19 deaths surpassed the jelly beans in a nearby glass jar. “Today, we mark a somber occasion as estimates show those…Read more...

SKOKIE, IL—In an effort to ensure that potential mates wouldn’t get the wrong idea, local woman Karen Dugas told reporters Monday she was always quick to clarify that the child in her dating profile picture wasn’t actually alive anymore. “It’s such a cute snapshot of the two of us at her second birthday party that I…Read more...

NEW YORK—Horrified by their glaring oversight, top executives at BET reportedly began to panic Monday after realizing they had no programming lined up for the observance of Black History Month. “No, no, no, you’ve got to be kidding me—that’s this month?” visibly frazzled network president Scott Mills said as he pored…Read more...

The Girl Scouts announced that due to the pandemic consumers can now purchase cookies online and have their items delivered via Grubhub, with proceeds going to local troops based on the purchaser’s area code. What do you think?Read more...

UPDATE: We’ve been informed by our legal team that taking an article wholesale from another website is not actually permissible by U.S. copyright law, and we deleted the rest of the explainer out of an abundance of caution. Unfortunately, this doesn’t get us any closer to understanding what exactly happened with…Read more...

ROSE CITY, MI—Dismissing the accusations as nothing more than the baseless attempts of a deep-state conspiracy to attack former President Trump’s supporters, insurrectionist truther Thomas Keleher declared Monday that he doesn’t believe he was present at the Capitol riot. “Look, anybody could’ve taken selfies of me…Read more...

It’s an awe-inspiring scientific advancement, but is it ethical? Hear why critics say these geneticists shouldn’t be playing God on God by making God.Read more...

Cheech Marin, one half of the 1970s comedy duo Cheech & Chong, announced plans to open an art museum dedicated to Mexican American art and culture later this year. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—In response to the online brokering app halting trading on GameStop ($GME) after a surge in activity, Redditors filed a class-action lawsuit this week alleging that Robinhood has been on some bitch shit lately. “Robinhood willfully deprived investors of their hard-earned tendies,” read the brief in part,…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Championing the series of posts that were completely littered with factual errors and misinformation, dozens of Twitter users reportedly commented ‘This’ Friday on a thread incorrectly explaining a recent news story. “Omg, FINALLY someone is pointing out what’s really going on,” said user JackSkellington88…Read more...

This week, a group of Reddit users spearheaded a campaign to purchase stock options in video-game retailer GameStop, driving up the stock price and leading to financial repercussions. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at what happened.

ORRVILLE, OH—With calls for a mass boycott of the spreadable topping growing on social media, Jif peanut butter and its parent company, J.M. Smucker, were reportedly facing fierce criticism Friday for a new commercial that claims children with peanut allergies are just lying for the attention. “Kids lie about…Read more...

A team of health care workers stuck in traffic during a snowstorm walked from vehicle to vehicle offering to inject drivers with doses of coronavirus vaccine that would have otherwise expired before the team could return to the clinic. What do you think?Read more...

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MOTALA, SWEDEN—According to a report published Friday by researchers from Lund University, the fossilized skeleton of an ancient man revealed that he likely died from being smashed in the skull by an archaeological pickaxe. “All evidence points to the fact this ancient man, who we estimate lived 4,500 to 5,000 years…Read more...

Hear why, when they snap their fingers, you will make the sound a donkey makes.Read more...