The Onion

HOUSTON—Brutally coercing the suspect into reaffirming his innocence, loose-cannon American Civil Liberties Union investigator Roberta Spatz reportedly beat a recantation out of confessed murderer Leonard Campbell, sources confirmed Thursday. “Admit it, you son of a bitch, this confession sounds nothing like you, and…Read more...

FIRST CIRCLE, HELL—Able to partake in many of the freedoms afforded to those who still walk the Earth, the soul of disgraced financier and convicted scam artist Bernie Madoff was assigned to a cushy circle of Hell reserved for white-collar sinners, sources from the afterlife confirmed Thursday. “It barely even counts…Read more...

When it comes to sex education, schools in the U.S. are still firmly stuck in the 1980s. Aside from how to put a condom on a banana, here are some major things your teacher probably never taught you in health class.Read more...

RACINE, WI—Debuting an instrument of dissent carved in the image of the widely condemned pest, insect repellent brand OFF! announced Thursday it would begin selling a new citronella effigy that customers could use to protest the ruthless attacks of mosquitoes. “For far too long, we have been subject to the tyranny of…Read more...

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Hawaii is working with multiple app developers to create a digital passport system that would allow travelers who are vaccinated against Covid-19 to bypass quarantine and coronavirus testing measures. What do you think?Read more...

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Japan announced plans to dump a million tonnes of radioactive wastewater into the ocean from the Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Plant that was damaged by a 9.0 magnitude earthquake in 2011, sparking protests from local fisherman and environmental groups. What do you think?Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Adding another milestone to an already historic career, Stephen Curry passed Wilt Chamberlain this week to become the tallest player in Warriors’ franchise history. “We obviously had high hopes when we drafted Steph, but no one could have expected this level of development,” said Warriors general manager…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Offering a rare glimpse of how the rich and famous spend their remaining days, a tour group stopped by Jack Nicholson’s Beverly Hills mansion Wednesday for a routine check on the actor’s welfare, riders aboard a sightseeing bus confirmed. “There’s no better way to experience the glitz and glamour of…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Hoping to direct a few more of his 130 million followers toward the project, former President Barack Obama tweeted about his podcast again Wednesday after noticing his latest episode had only received 11 streams so far. “Hey guys, just wanted to let you know that a new episode of Renegades featuring me and…Read more...

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NORTH BROOK, IL—Excited at the chance to carry his plan to fruition, a squirrel reportedly couldn’t wait to ruin a local man’s day Wednesday by running in front of his car and getting killed. “The look on this jerk’s face when he hears the crunch of my body under his wheels is going to be absolutely priceless,” said…Read more...

ARDMORE, PA—Praising the 10-year-old’s intangibles and feel for the craft, little league coach Grant Wardell revealed Wednesday that starting right fielder Aiden Lattimore has the potential to become a great novelist. “I put Aiden out in right field so he can see the whole game and make trenchant observations about…Read more...

WACO, TX—Celebrating the team’s first NCAA Division 1 title, the Baylor men’s basketball team was unsure Wednesday how many more times their championship parade float was supposed to circle the streets of Waco. “We appreciate everyone coming out, but after seeing the Fort Fisher Park again we kind of feel like the…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—In a statement touching on the rapidly changing realities of the industry landscape, theater chain Cinerama blamed its impending closure this week on more viewers choosing to watch movies from their own geodesic dome. “It’s a sad day, but ultimately many of our customers have decided that they could get…Read more...

Birth control is used by over half of women in the U.S., yet there are many misconceptions surrounding it. The Onion looks at common myths and facts of birth control.

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The robotics company that created Sophia, a humanoid that collaborated on an original NFT artwork auctioned off for over $688,000, announced the robot will next try to collaborate with musicians to create original songs and lyrics. What do you think?Read more...

A nonpartisan data analysis by the Center for Strategic and International Studies found that U.S. domestic terrorism incidents skyrocketed in the last 25 years, driven by growing right-wing extremist attacks which hit an all-time record of 73 in 2020. What do you think?Read more...

BROOKLYN CENTER, MN— In a swift response to renewed calls for reform following the fatal shooting of 20-year-old Daunte Wright, the Brooklyn Center Police Department announced Tuesday that they would avoid future errors by replacing all equipment that officers carry with guns. “Handcuffs, nightsticks, pepper…Read more...

VATICAN CITY—Unable to tune out the noisy altercation coming in loud and clear through his bedroom window, Pope Francis could not sleep Monday night because a heavily intoxicated cardinal was engaged in a shouting match with his girlfriend in St. Peter’s Square, sources within the Holy See reported. “Oh, for fuck’s…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In what is being hailed as the strongest evidence yet that Americans do not see a future with the 34-year-old X-ray technician, a new report released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center found that 72% of U.S. residents were planning to end things with Brian once the threat of Covid had receded. “Nearly three …Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Smiling sweetly in an effort to make themselves clear, the U.S. populace confirmed Tuesday they were glad they could spend $450 million for an astronaut to have a little epiphany about humanity’s place in the universe. “We’re always happy to help, and just delighted to shell out whatever you need so you can…Read more...

BERKELEY, CA—Calling the average American diet “severely lacking” in the proper amount of sediment, Geologists at UC Berkeley recommended Tuesday eating at least one small rock per day. “In order to live a healthy, balanced lifestyle, Americans should be ingesting at least a single serving of pebbles, geodes, or…Read more...

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The U.S. is facing a ketchup packet shortage after the coronavirus pandemic led to a surge in demand driven by accelerated take-out and delivery trends. What do you think?Read more...

BROOKLYN CENTER, MN—In response to the death of another unarmed Black man at the hands of Minnesota police, Brooklyn Center police chief Tim Gannon told reporters Monday that the officer who killed Daunte Wright accidentally discharged her weapon after being startled by the sight of a gun in her hand. “You have to…Read more...

President Biden announced several executive actions to tackle gun violence that include regulations on “ghost guns” and other effective but limited measures, while acknowledging the difficulties in passing any gun legislation through congress. What do you think?Read more...

Whether you’ve just adopted a puppy or have had your furry friend for years, it’s perfectly natural to have questions about being a canine parent. Here are several behavioral issues common to dogs and how to correct them.Read more...

BATON ROUGE, LA—Noting the phrase’s ubiquity as an answer to almost every uncomfortable societal question, sources confirmed Monday that the full range of objectionable human behavior was explained to local toddler Oliver Jordan as a person acting silly. “Everything from mental illness to public drunkenness to a…Read more...

MINNEAPOLIS—Promising that they would only have to return to the courtroom for a few days at most, Judge Peter A. Cahill asked the jury for the Derek Chauvin murder case Monday if they would mind sticking around for a couple more police misconduct trials. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we all know that there are…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Making their way toward the Capitol on all fours and in full leather bondage suits, thousands of gimps from across the country crawled on Washington Monday to press their demands for unfair treatment, according to reports from the scene. “We call upon those mistresses and masters in power to use and abuse…Read more...

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BLUE BELL, PA—In an effort to focus on practical skills, cadet Aaron Sanger studied for the police academy exam Monday by skimming over the sections in his training manual about deescalation techniques that he’ll never use in real life. “I guess I’m technically supposed to know this stuff, but there’s no way I’ll ever…Read more...

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BESSEMER, AL—Triumphant in the wake of the failed organization attempt at their Alabama warehouses, Amazon released a statement Friday celebrating the union defeat by raising all prices on customers by 150% anyway. “Although our fulfillment center workers declined to unionize today, we’re still going to jack up the…Read more...

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CALGARY, ALBERTA—Expressing frustration that she could not live up to such lofty standards, local woman Beatrice Golliver told reporters Friday she was devastated when she first realized she would never be as beautiful as Banff National Park in the Canadian Rockies. “When I was younger, I thought I…Read more...

American physicists recently discovered that a tiny subatomic particle called a muon does not conform to the laws of physics as currently understood, suggesting the potential discovery of a brand-new form of physics. The Onion looks back at a timeline of humankind’s major physics discoveries.

WASHINGTON—As part of an ongoing study of the nation’s attitudes toward confined spaces from which there is no perceivable escape, the Pew Research Center released a new poll Friday that found nearly all Americans hate being trapped in mazes. “Almost 95% of the U.S. residents we surveyed told us they really did not…Read more...

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A woman in the U.K. gave birth to twins conceived three weeks apart in a rare phenomenon called superfetation, which occurs when a separate, new pregnancy occurs during an initial pregnancy. What do you think?Read more...

CHARLOTTE, NC—Bringing him into Bank of America Stadium where they washed off the grime with a nice warm bath, the Carolina Panthers adopted a patchy-haired, shivering rescue quarterback named Sam Thursday, who had spent years being abused by the New York Jets. “When we saw him, our hearts just broke and we knew we…Read more...