The Onion

ORLANDO—In an effort to update its attractions for the current era, Disney announced Thursday that it would be installing animatronic Christian missionaries to convert natives on the Jungle Cruise ride. “We understand that people have been offended by these Christless savages, which is why we’re taking immediate steps…Read more...

MALVERN, PA—Demonstrating just how vulnerable a large segment of the populace is to dermatological emergencies, a new report released Thursday by the Vanguard Group found that most Americans don’t have enough reward points saved to cover the expense of a sudden skincare disaster. “Nearly 60% of U.S. residents don’t…Read more...

Hear why authorities now believe the suspect stalked the 4-year-old buck for several hours before shooting him in the chest.Read more...

The Appalachian Trail Conservancy is urging hikers to postpone long-distance treks until after the pandemic, citing the inability to properly socially distance when using the shelters that run along the 2,193-mile trail. What do you think?Read more...

MEDFIELD, MA—Criticizing the Baseball Writers’ Association of America for factoring social justice into their decision-making process, retired pitcher Curt Schilling insisted Wednesday that he’d already be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame if the MLB had never racially integrated. “I wish the media would put…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Signing an executive order that would place the policy into effect immediately, President Joe Biden announced Wednesday that he had authorized the United States military to shoot down any harmful greenhouse gases that enter the nation’s airspace. “With this executive order, I’m directing the military to use…Read more...

The privately funded aerospace company Axiom announced their first commercial crew to visit the International Space Station will include three citizens, who each paid $55 million to be part of the eight day visit. What do you think?Read more...

SAN BRUNO, CA—In an effort to crack down on the rapid proliferation of such uploads across the platform, YouTube released a press statement Wednesday revealing they had removed thousands of underperforming Covid-19 misinformation videos from their site. “After careful consideration, our team concluded that these…Read more...

NEW YORK—Denouncing the corrupt system that sees the Dallas elite jumping into powerful positions with no competition, NFL reformers issued a statement Wednesday criticizing the league’s Cowboys-to-broadcast booth pipeline. “All these people do is land a position or coaching job on the Cowboys, and that guarantees a…Read more...

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—In a move that shocked and angered city residents, including families that have called the area home for centuries, an increasingly bold Israel announced Tuesday that it had begun building settlements for its citizens in downtown Albuquerque, NM. “Our High Planning Committee has approved 1,200 new…Read more...

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Hear why scrambling DHS officials are calling the missing folder “no big deal,” but they would really like to find it.Read more...

Paleontologists say new fossil evidence suggests Tyrannosaurs, a smaller cousin of the T-Rex, were the “size of a border collie” when hatched. What do you think?Read more...

The 50-50 deadlock in the Senate has led to calls for Democrats to eliminate the filibuster, which requires 60 votes for much of the chamber’s legislation to pass, in order to enact President Biden’s agenda, while opponents from both sides of the aisle warn of unintended consequences. The Onion evaluates the pros and…Read more...

KEYSTONE, SD—Growing increasingly still as the haze of patriotism lulled them into an enchanted rest, the National Guard reportedly returned to their endless sleep underneath Mount Rushmore Tuesday until the nation was ready to call upon them again. “The National Guard issued a solemn salute to the flag before…Read more...

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning that a full-blown tantrum may be imminent, experts from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration confirmed Tuesday that severe weather will continue worldwide until the gargantuan child currently shaking Earth’s snow globe calms down. “We expect the onslaught of blizzards,…Read more...

ATLANTA—Urging the nation’s populace to remain vigilant against the lethal pathogen, the Centers for Disease Control held a press conference Tuesday to warn of an even more deadly Covid variant after the virus mutated into notorious serial killer Richard Ramirez. “In an effort to avoid this virus, we are asking all…Read more...

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Pharmaceutical company Merck is dropping its coronavirus vaccine development program after early results showed the drugs failed to generate an adequate immune response. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to approximate the phrase currently being shouted by his fellow protesters, late-arriving rally attendee Dane Stein reportedly cried out “Darf the yannum!” Tuesday, having no idea what he was supposed to be saying as he joined in with the chant. “Gerf to the plennum? Gerf to the plennum!”…Read more...

REDDING, CA—Convinced that any search would just be a futile waste of time, local man Brian Kirk speculated Tuesday that home gym equipment was still sold out everywhere. “I checked out a couple places back in June and they were out of stock, so I’m pretty sure that is still the case now,” said Kirk, content to sit…Read more...

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And they weren’t even playing with it right. Hear why these dead children apparently thought it would be a good idea to ruin the fun for everyone else.Read more...

Canadian singer-songwriter The Weeknd will headline the 2021 Super Bowl Pepsi Halftime show in Tampa, Florida. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—Stressing the challenge of overcoming numerous obstacles, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Monday that the United States was finally on track to chuck out 1 million expired vaccines per day. “After spending months struggling with the vaccine rollout, we at the CDC are proud to announce…Read more...

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Announcing her official bid for governor, Sarah Huckabee Sanders vowed Monday to protect the good people of Arkansas from any questions. “As governor, I promise to do everything in my power to ensure Arkansans never have to answer another heinous question again,” said Sanders, who explained she was…Read more...

LINCOLN, NE—Bestowing upon friends and family the hard-won knowledge of a lifetime filled with challenges and setbacks, wise and thoughtful elder Glen Weissman couldn’t seem to put a goddamn sock in it Monday, according to sources close to the retired farmer and Korean War veteran. “Grandpa may have learned a lot…Read more...

BESSEMER, AL—Quietly gliding into a corner of the room as the rest of the warehouse employees filed in, a disguised Amazon drone reportedly snuck into a worker meeting Monday to disrupt union talks. “Hey guys, I don’t know about all this union stuff—doesn’t it feel like it could impact Amazon’s competitiveness in the…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Calling the decision to reunite two super-powerful monsters a “recipe for disaster,” Los Angeles resident Patrick Underwood told reporters Monday that he knew nothing good ever happened when Godzilla and King Kong found themselves in the same movie. “I’m just saying, King Kong is a gigantic and…Read more...

The Arizona GOP voted on Saturday to censure Governor Doug Ducey for imposing emergency Covid-19 orders as well as former Senator Jeff Flake and Cindy McCain for supporting Joe Biden in the 2020 election. What do you think?Read more...

HARDISTY, ALBERTA—Growing emotional as he fastened himself to the oil transportation network, a tearful Justin Trudeau reportedly chained himself to the Keystone pipeline Friday to stop the Biden Administration from destroying a significant oil industry heritage site. “For years, this beautiful pipeline has held a…Read more...

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Hear why Congress is still looking for answers as to why this crucial defense system wasn’t used to melt rioters’ eyeballs right out of their skulls and incinerate their bodies instantly.Read more...

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Aldi joined Trader Joe’s and Dollar General this week in announcing plans to pay employees to get the Covid-19 vaccine when it becomes available. What do you think?Read more...

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WASHINGTON—With a 26-0 vote of approval from the Senate Finance Committee, treasury secretary nominee Janet Yellen cleared a key confirmation hurdle Friday after correctly identifying a $5 bill in a blind taste test. “I’m definitely detecting notes of low denomination,” said the blindfolded Yellen, who reportedly…Read more...

With two up-and-coming teams taking on two recent powerhouses, this year’s NFL Conference Championship week is proof that whether you’re a hapless franchise down on its luck or a perennial title contender, the only thing that matters in football is having a good quarterback. Here are Onion Sports’ keys to victory for…Read more...

China has imposed sanctions on 28 members of the Trump administration, including Mike Pompeo, Steve Bannon, John Bolton, and Alex Azar, banning the former officials from entering mainland China or doing business in the country. What do you think?Read more...

GALÁPAGOS ISLANDS, ECUADOR—Looking forward to exploring a new chapter of her storied 60-year career, Jane Goodall issued a statement Friday announcing she’s all about lizards now. “Gila monsters, bearded dragons, Komodo dragons, Nile monitors, iguanas, jungle-runners, chameleons—you name it, and if it’s a lizard, then…Read more...

NEW YORK—Acknowledging that he was now completely bankrupt, comedian Jerry Seinfeld confirmed Friday that he was destitute after pouring his entire fortune into the purchase of a $950 million car. “Yes, it was expensive, but on the other hand, it’s a really incredible car, which is great since I’ll be living out of it…Read more...

Following his inauguration, speculation has turned to what President Joe Biden will do with his first 100 days in office. The Onion takes a deep dive into the first 100 days of the Biden administration.

NFL official Sarah Thomas will become the first woman to officiate at the Super Bowl, where she will serve as the down judge. What do you think?Read more...

With the Hitman trilogy finally wrapping up this month, series fans everywhere can celebrate a fittingly badass end to one of gaming’s great stealth antiheroes. But one nagging mystery—the story behind the protagonist’s iconic tattoos—remained unsolved. That is until today, when iO Interactive confirmed a long-rumored…Read more...

We have everything you need to know ahead of this weekend’s big legal battle.Read more...

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