The Onion
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| Updated | 2025-07-04 18:15 |
on (#59PMV)
MOBILE, AL—Pleased to have his concerns mitigated so early on, local man Sammy Althaus was reportedly relieved Thursday that the movie he was watching wouldn’t be too scary after one of the characters assured her friend there is no such thing as ghosts. “I was a little nervous about this film since I don’t like…Read more...
on (#59PMW)
YORBA LINDA, CA—Asking the members of the wealthy local citizenry to put a brief pause on their construction projects, Orange County authorities reportedly urged residents Thursday to stop building additions onto homes that are currently on fire. “We understand that a breezeway or infinity pool is your top priority at…Read more...
on (#59PH4)
CHICAGO—As she gazed into each kennel and let out a deep, regretful sigh, 31-year-old Chicago resident Lisa Kessler told reporters Thursday it broke her heart to think of all the pets in her local shelter who would be put down without ever being dressed like a Ghostbuster. “It’s just so sad that the majority of the…Read more...
on (#59PD2)
LOS ANGELES—Complaining that successful entry was largely determined by nepotism, aspiring actor Xander Barrick confirmed Thursday he might give up on his dreams after struggling for years to break into Steven Spielberg’s 20,000-square-foot Pacific Palisades compound. “I moved out here in 2017 and have been trying to…Read more...
on (#59P8R)
ATHENS, GA—Growing increasingly suspicious as he reflected on the ease of casting his ballot, local man Andrew Perez told reporters Thursday that he worried only 15 minutes of waiting had meant his voting experience had been too easy to be legitimate. “Man, I was just in and out of the polling place in no time, so I…Read more...
on (#59P4S)
And later, we explain how to properly fill out your mail-in ballot just in case you’re too fucking stupid to figure it out yourself.Read more...
on (#59P4T)
Scientists have discovered a detached coral reef measuring 1,640 feet tall within the Great Barrier Reef, the first to be discovered in over 120 years. What do you think?Read more...
on (#59NA6)
On November 3, Americans will head to the polls to potentially make their voices heard in electing the next president of the United States. The Onion looks back at the most pivotal moments of the 2020 election cycle.
on (#59N75)
While full moons regularly appear on Halloween every 19 years for some time zones, this October 31st will mark the first time since 1944 that a full moon will be visible to Americans across all U.S. time zones. What do you think?Read more...
on (#59N76)
MADISON—Authorities confirmed Wednesday that the already long six-hour lines had come to a standstill at Wisconsin polls after the state’s official voting pen rolled under a vending machine. “We regret to inform voters that earlier today, an elderly poll worker mistakenly dropped the only available voting pen in all…Read more...
on (#59N1C)
ANGOLA, LA—Following over two decades of incarceration, Louisiana Penitentiary inmate Reggie Clark, a man falsely imprisoned for 24 years, was finally granted permission Wednesday to serve out the remainder of his sentence in the prison’s new Wrongly Accused Wing. “This was an unacceptable miscarriage of justice,…Read more...
on (#59MPD)
ATLANTA—In response to criticism that the protracted waits at polling places were a clear example of voter suppression, Georgia Republicans argued Wednesday in defense of the state’s hours-long lines for early voting, saying it gave citizens just the right amount of time to slow cook pulled pork. “Look folks, long…Read more...
on (#59MC8)
DENVER—As he stretched out 3 inches beyond the space afforded passengers in the rest of the main cabin, Delta Airlines passenger Carter Foss reportedly enjoyed the benefits of hundreds of years of racial and class privilege Wednesday by upgrading to a seat with extra legroom. Sources confirmed his purchase of a Delta…Read more...
on (#59M9S)
Hear why the American populace has never been lucky in leadership, and is now beginning to wonder if they’re the reason they’ve never been able to settle down with someone who’s truly the electable type.Read more...
on (#59M9T)
Rap mogul Jay-Z on Friday launched Monogram, a line of cannabis products from the company Caliva where he is the chief brand strategist. What do you think?Read more...
on (#59KMX)
NASA confirmed Monday that chemical analysis reveals the lunar surface harbors multiple pockets of frozen water, including in areas exposed to sunlight, bolstering previous theories about the existence of H2O on the moon. What do you think?Read more...
on (#59KMY)
YAKIMA, WA—Recalling the better days when there was real art to arguing over who had the greatest skills, local baseball fan Dennis Morehouse complained Tuesday that he does not need some stupid formula to tell him which players have the best WAR or wOBA. “Back in the ’60s and ’70s, you didn’t need some website and a…Read more...
on (#59KN1)
LOS ANGELES—Expressing his desire to continue contributing to the World Series in any small way after two quality starts, Clayton Kershaw reassured his Dodgers teammates Tuesday that he was still fresh enough to melt down out of the bullpen. “I know everyone expects me to be completely spent, but this is the World…Read more...
on (#59KN2)
NEW YORK—Declaring that bold effort was the only way to stave off the devastating planetary effects of climate change, a new environmental initiative Tuesday reportedly called for planting 20 million new Earths. “Together we can save humanity from climate change, and even a dollar can help us grow millions of the new…Read more...
on (#59KN3)
CHICAGO—Clicking rapidly through links scattered across the darkest corners of the Water Reclamation District website, Chicago resident Daniel Harris told reporters Tuesday he was sucked down an obscure internet rabbit hole learning about down-ballot candidates. “Okay, so I started out researching the big national…Read more...
on (#59KN4)
NEWBURYPORT, MA—Panicking after encountering the information while reading through an article online, new parents Lindsey Conway and Michael Rhodes reportedly freaked out Tuesday upon learning that babies can often live up to 100 years. “Oh God, we got this baby thinking it would just be a few year commitment, tops,”…Read more...
on (#59K32)
Hear why the high volume of voters in 2020 could pose a massive problem by making our country look like a bunch of pencil-pushing poindexters.
on (#59K34)
Keith Rainere, the founder of Nxivm, which has been described as a pyramid scheme, sex-trafficking operation, and a cult, will be sentenced on Tuesday after a federal jury found him guilty on all charges of sex trafficking, racketeering, and posession of child pornography last year. What do you think?Read more...
on (#59J5G)
BAKU, AZERBAIJAN—During peace talks over the long-disputed territory of Nagorno-Karabakh, officials from both Armenia and Azerbaijan announced Monday they would only agree to a ceasefire if it included a provision that allowed them to continue shooting missiles at each other. “After decades of conflict, I truly…Read more...
on (#59J2C)
The United States reported 83,757 new Covid-19 cases on Friday and 83,718 cases on Saturday, both days surpassing the previous record of 77,300 from mid-July, which experts say will likely lead to more hospitalizations and deaths this winter. What do you think?Read more...
on (#59J2D)
ATLANTA—Having lost all confidence in President Trump’s abilities, fed-up lifelong conservative Jerry Holden was planning on casting his vote for Joe Biden, family member Gina Rupert inaccurately reported Monday. “Dad has been a staunch Republican for over 40 years, but he’s sick and tired of Trump and finally said…Read more...
on (#59J2E)
SACRAMENTO, CA—Planning out an itinerary for the next time it was in the area, a wildfire was reportedly hard at work Monday making a list of spots to hit on its return trip to California next summer. “I’ve been to a lot of the national forests at this point, but I could really see myself making my way to San…Read more...
on (#59J2F)
WASHINGTON—Congratulating the natural satellite for moving on to new and exciting opportunities, NASA announced Monday that the moon would be leaving Earth’s orbit to take on a position with a bigger planet at the end of the month. “This is obviously a bittersweet moment since we’ve had such a wonderful longstanding…Read more...
Aaron Sorkin Defends Taking Liberties With Scene In Which All Members Of Chicago 7 Endorse Joe Biden
on (#59J2G)
LOS ANGELES—Addressing criticism about the film during a press junket in support of its streaming release, director Aaron Sorkin told reporters Monday that he stood by taking liberties with a scene in The Trial Of The Chicago 7 in which every member of the group announces their unequivocal endorsement of Joe Biden.…Read more...
on (#59J2H)
OPR election expert Patton Oswalt attempts to explain the controversial practice, but this time on a podcast. Will he be able to show voters how gerrymandering affects their ballot without using any of his usual charts or maps?Read more...
on (#59F8R)
ARLINGTON,TX—Praising the cartilaginous fish for embodying the spirit of Tampa, the Rays awarded the ceremonial first pitch of World Series Game 3 to the stingray who killed Steve Irwin. “This stingray is a pillar of the community, he’s stuck with us through some tough times, so it’s only right to honor the fish who…Read more...
on (#59F17)
According to a study from the personal finance company Bankrate, the average overdraft fee in the U.S. this year is $33.47, an $0.11 increase from 2019 and the highest level on record. What do you think?Read more...
on (#59EBV)
Hear why even the strictest protocols may not be enough to prevent the spread of The J-Dog with a case full of brewskis.Read more...
on (#59EBW)
TAMPA, FL— Expressing concerns that he would have to say something soon, local man Alec Coles told reporters Friday he felt like his girlfriend hadn’t been putting any effort into his appearance lately. “Krista hasn’t bought a new dress shirt or pair of nice slacks for me in months,” said Coles, recalling how he was…Read more...
on (#59EBX)
NEW YORK—Mumbling the words “old age” and “in his sleep” as he thrashed and screamed wildly, illusionist David Blaine reportedly woke up in a cold sweat from a nightmare Friday in which he died of natural causes. “Oh my God, that was terrible; it really felt like I was on my deathbed, passing away painlessly and…Read more...
on (#59EBY)
NEW YORK—In a nation mired in a deadly pandemic, mass civilian street actions, widespread environmental degradation, and collapsing institutions under the fourth year of Donald Trump’s presidency, it had become clear to sources Friday that Bob Dylan was not exactly rising to the occasion as far as his current protest…Read more...
on (#59EBZ)
Scientists at the Netherlands Cancer Institute have found a previously unknown set of salivary glands that sit behind the nose and help moisten the upper throat, a discovery they say was made accidentally while examining a new kind of cancer imaging technology. What do you think?Read more...
on (#59DDW)
MIAMI—Struggling to mentally close herself off from the recently deceased skeptic, local psychic Rosemary Shanley confirmed Thursday she was already sick of James Randi’s specter haunting her place of business and ragging on her from the afterlife. “I’m sitting here with my crystal ball trying to see into the future,…Read more...
on (#59DDX)
The Fast & Furious movie franchise will officially end after the 10th and 11th films, bringing to a close the action series that has generated $5.7 billion worldwide since it began in 2001. What do you think?Read more...
on (#59D7S)
PHILADELPHIA—Cracking open a Coors Light as he lit his charcoal grill, Eagles fan Anthony Marcus reportedly started tailgating at 9 a.m. Thursday ahead of the custody hearing for his 8-month-old daughter. “I always like to get together with the boys and throw back a few cold ones before the afternoon trial starts,”…Read more...