The Onion

ALPHARETTA, GA—As the glow of her victory dimmed and the reality of what she’d agreed to do finally dawned on her, newly elected QAnon-supporting Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) was reportedly worried Wednesday morning that she was selling out by going to work with a pedophile cabal. “I mean, Congress is…Read more...

PORTSMOUTH, NH—Taking full advantage of the post-election markdowns, local woman Olivia Fanelli reportedly loaded up Wednesday on discounted voting machines. “Three’s probably more than I need, but they’re practically giving these away at the Board of Elections,” said Fanelli, who lugged the devices out to her truck…Read more...

Dutch authorities say a subway train that derailed from its elevated track avoided plunging to the ground below after it caught on a 32-foot statue of a whale’s tail. What do you think?Read more...

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ATLANTA—As time continued to pass without any election developments to report, an increasingly flustered CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer cut to coverage of the missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 to distract from a lack of concrete results. “We can now conclusively state that Flight 370 did not go down off of the western…Read more...

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PHILADELPHIA—Deciding to prepare himself for any situation that might emerge following the election, area man Josh Miller bought a couple boxes of macaroni and cheese on his way home from work in case society descended into a horrifying, blood-soaked pandemonium, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Having a few things of Easy…Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Providing simple methods for entering a completely unhinged state, the far-right conspiracy theory website InfoWars reportedly offered readers Tuesday a helpful guide to staying psychotic and violent during the stressful Election Day. “In order to make sure you maintain a sense of derangement and hostility…Read more...

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“Baby Shark,” the children’s song produced by South Korean company Pinkfong, has been played over 7.043 billion times, beating Luis Fonsi’s “Despacito” to become the most-watched Youtube video ever. What do you think?Read more...

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Hear why these unmistakably nasty ballots that were used to either wipe off a voter’s face or clean up a spill could affect tonight’s election outcome.Read more...

STOCKBRIDGE, MA—Urging readers to just take a look at the shining sun and the blue sky stretching far as the eye could see, a report released Tuesday morning found that nothing could go wrong on a day as beautiful as this. “Boy oh boy, the birds are singing and there isn’t a cloud in sight—yessiree, today…Read more...

The parent company of Burger King, Popeyes, and Tim Horton’s restaurants will add “predictive selling technology” to 10,000 drive-thrus over the next two years, which they say will tailor promotions to consumers based on previous orders, weather patterns, time of day, and other factors. What do you think?Read more...

For nearly two weeks, hundreds of thousands of people have marched through Warsaw and other major cities in Poland to protest the government and a new court ruling that leaves the country with a near-total ban on abortion. What do you think?Read more...

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SCHAUMBURG, IL—Waving homemade signs outside the department store, anti-jacket demonstrators held a rally at Burlington Coat Factory Monday to protest what they called the “liberal cold weather conspiracy.” “The elite at Burlington Coat Factory think they can convince us that parkas and down jackets can protect us…Read more...

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Plus, we’ll sit down with OPR’s immortal election expert who has only predicted 12 of 58 presidential elections correctly, but we still give him some air time every four years anyway.Read more...

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A man was mauled by a black leopard after paying $150 to have a “full contact experience” with the dangerous animal. What do you think?Read more...

Popular streaming service Netflix will increase pricing for its most popular plan to $14 per month and its premium plan to $18 per month in an attempt to overcome recent market slumps. What do you think?Read more...

Election night, Nov. 3, is being scrutinized as uncertainties with voting, a pandemic, and the rhetoric of President Donald Trump have led to speculation that there might not be a firm resolution. The Onion looks at the most likely ways that election night could unfold.Read more...

ARLINGTON, TX—Promising that the team was all on the same page heading into this week’s matchup with the Eagles, Dallas head coach Mike McCarthy dismissed rumors of turmoil in his locker room Friday after Cowboys players burned an effigy of him at midfield. “The media is trying to start a narrative by saying the…Read more...

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KNOXVILLE, TN—Calling the discovery “too good to be true,” HGTV development executive Robert Courter reportedly moaned with pleasure Friday upon receiving word about triplets who flip, furnish, and sell houseboats in the Carolinas. “Sweet Jesus, look at the way they swing those big sledge hammers,” said Courter, who…Read more...

ASTRAL PLANE—Citing an increased desire to take some time for themselves before joining the great choir invisible, more souls are choosing to defer entrance to Heaven for a year in order to spend time backpacking through the spirit realm, according to a comprehensive interfaith report released Thursday. “I have my…Read more...

A pro-Trump voter from rural Missouri. A young, die-hard Democrat from Boston. Can they put their difference aside, and prove that there is more that unites us than divides us? We’ll find out as soon as we unlock the door of the room they’ve been sealed inside of for the last week.Read more...

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Under pressure from animal advocacy group PETA, retailers have stopped stocking coconut milk brand Chaokoh due to allegations of using forced monkey labor in Thailand to pick coconuts. What do you think?Read more...

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With less than one week until polls close, the nation continued its sprint to finish one of the most contentious and exhausting elections in recent history as early voter count rose to over half of 2016’s final turnout. What do you think?Read more...

CANYON, TX—Loading their firearms with enough ammo to mark their preferred candidates for each race, Texas voters lined up to begin shooting their 2020 ballots at local election ranges, sources confirmed Thursday. “It’s always nice to stare down the ol’ iron sights and make your voice heard by leaving a bullet hole on…Read more...

NFL Week 8 is a time of introspection and reflection in the fantasy football world, a week where you look back on the mistakes of the past and start to get in touch with the lineup that makes you truly happy. Onion Sports fantasy expert Gary Borkowski is here to aid in that quest with his top players to start or sit.Read more...

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MOBILE, AL—Pleased to have his concerns mitigated so early on, local man Sammy Althaus was reportedly relieved Thursday that the movie he was watching wouldn’t be too scary after one of the characters assured her friend there is no such thing as ghosts. “I was a little nervous about this film since I don’t like…Read more...

YORBA LINDA, CA—Asking the members of the wealthy local citizenry to put a brief pause on their construction projects, Orange County authorities reportedly urged residents Thursday to stop building additions onto homes that are currently on fire. “We understand that a breezeway or infinity pool is your top priority at…Read more...

CHICAGO—As she gazed into each kennel and let out a deep, regretful sigh, 31-year-old Chicago resident Lisa Kessler told reporters Thursday it broke her heart to think of all the pets in her local shelter who would be put down without ever being dressed like a Ghostbuster. “It’s just so sad that the majority of the…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Complaining that successful entry was largely determined by nepotism, aspiring actor Xander Barrick confirmed Thursday he might give up on his dreams after struggling for years to break into Steven Spielberg’s 20,000-square-foot Pacific Palisades compound. “I moved out here in 2017 and have been trying to…Read more...

ATHENS, GA—Growing increasingly suspicious as he reflected on the ease of casting his ballot, local man Andrew Perez told reporters Thursday that he worried only 15 minutes of waiting had meant his voting experience had been too easy to be legitimate. “Man, I was just in and out of the polling place in no time, so I…Read more...

And later, we explain how to properly fill out your mail-in ballot just in case you’re too fucking stupid to figure it out yourself.Read more...

Scientists have discovered a detached coral reef measuring 1,640 feet tall within the Great Barrier Reef, the first to be discovered in over 120 years. What do you think?Read more...

On November 3, Americans will head to the polls to potentially make their voices heard in electing the next president of the United States. The Onion looks back at the most pivotal moments of the 2020 election cycle.

While full moons regularly appear on Halloween every 19 years for some time zones, this October 31st will mark the first time since 1944 that a full moon will be visible to Americans across all U.S. time zones. What do you think?Read more...

MADISON—Authorities confirmed Wednesday that the already long six-hour lines had come to a standstill at Wisconsin polls after the state’s official voting pen rolled under a vending machine. “We regret to inform voters that earlier today, an elderly poll worker mistakenly dropped the only available voting pen in all…Read more...

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ANGOLA, LA—Following over two decades of incarceration, Louisiana Penitentiary inmate Reggie Clark, a man falsely imprisoned for 24 years, was finally granted permission Wednesday to serve out the remainder of his sentence in the prison’s new Wrongly Accused Wing. “This was an unacceptable miscarriage of justice,…Read more...

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