The Onion

AUSTIN—Expressing deep concern for his child’s well-being if he were to follow in his father’s footsteps, Russian roulette champion Hector Smith told reporters Thursday that he personally wouldn’t let his son play Russian roulette. “Back when I started playing, safety wasn’t a huge priority, but now as a parent…Read more...

The College Board announced that upcoming SAT testing has been postponed due to the coronavirus, but added that if schools remain closed this fall they may introduce a digital exam for students to take at home. What do you think?Read more...

LONDON—Acknowledging the devices as a “huge influence” on the eight-episode television series, writer-director Alex Garland reportedly recalled Thursday discovering personal computers while researching his techno thriller Devs. “I was just planning to make a show about free will, but it took on a whole new life once I…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Promising from the bottom of his heart that everyone’s jobs are in jeopardy, WhooshSnaps.biz CEO Brian Kleppen assured employees Thursday that he’s doing everything in his power to lay people off. “I’ve heard some concerns going around, and I want to impress upon each and every one of you that I’m taking…Read more...

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As the Covid-19 pandemic continues to spread, companies are chipping in to help with relief efforts any way they can, and Bungie is no exception. The acclaimed video game developer has recently announced that the series star, Master Chief himself, is available to fight the coronavirus, although they aren’t exactly…Read more...

Most Spanish women keep a portrait of William H. Macy, or Williamcito, on their living room wall. On the altar below it, they will light one additional candle each day during the 30 days leading up to his birthday.Read more...

The gloves are off. But is former presidential contender Bernie Sanders just a sore loser, or does he really want to see another four years of President Trump?Read more...

SEATTLE—Bursting out of his bedroom and yelling “G’day, mate” at everyone within earshot, local boyfriend James Fitzpatrick announced plans Thursday to spend an infuriating afternoon speaking in an Australian accent. “For the next several excruciating hours, I pledge to reference Steve Irwin and Outback Steakhouse…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Citing various pieces of data that would certainly not help your mental health at the moment, scientists confirmed Thursday that it was probably best not to even think about whatever crazy virus currently brewing inside the world’s axolotls. “While you may be tempted to let yourself think about axolotls and…Read more...

NEW YORK—Racking his brain for some detail of the life he lived before quarantine measures began, local man Eric Leverett told reporters Thursday, “I was a barber…a barber, that’s right,” as he struggled to remember how he spent his days before the coronavirus pandemic struck. “Yes, yes, it’s coming back to me now: I…Read more...

The International Monetary Fund predicted the world economy will shrink roughly 3% in 2020 as governments and businesses struggle to recover from the coronavirus, setting off the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression. What do you think?Read more...

The Supreme Court announced they will hear oral arguments for several upcoming cases via phone conference this May in order to protect the health of the justices, six of whom are over 65. What do you think?Read more...

It’s a historic stimulus bill that will finally offer some financial relief to those affected by the coronavirus outbreak. But will Americans be able to prove they’re mature enough to spend it responsibly?Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a discovery that shed new light on the source of the global outbreak, top U.S. health experts told reporters Wednesday that Covid-19 originated in a promiscuous bat who slept around a lot. “We get that it’s totally normal for bats to mate and stuff, but this one, well, let’s just say it got around,” said…Read more...

CINCINNATI—As he lamented how strange and still it all seemed, lonely pedophile Henry Corimer, 46, reportedly ran his eyes over the desolate, empty playground of the public elementary school near his home Wednesday, remarking wistfully upon the scene. “To think how just a few weeks ago every slide and swing was…Read more...

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin announced that 80 million Americans will receive a direct deposit for up to $1,200 this week as part of the government’s economic relief package, with early reports indicating the funds are being used on food, gas, rent, and other necessities. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Claiming enough was enough after enduring the worst stretch in the history of the storied franchise, the Chicago Bulls announced Monday that they were firing general manager Gar Forman after a six-week winless streak. “While we appreciate all of Gar’s contributions, it’s simply unacceptable to go over a month…Read more...

CUPERTINO, CA—Unveiling Apple’s latest redesign following weeks of anticipation, a grinning Tim Cook announced Wednesday that the new iPhone will no longer be compatible with AirPods. “I think you’ll find the new iPhone is somewhat different than what you’re accustomed to,” said Cook, a wry expression slowly emerging…Read more...

VATICAN CITY—Expressing surprise at how productive he had been during the pandemic, Pope Francis told reporters Wednesday that he had finally gotten close to finishing the Bible during the quarantine. “Usually, I’ll get to Numbers or Judges and then give up, but being cooped up has actually given me a nice chance to…Read more...

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The ideal vocation for this outlet would be firing up a state-of-the-art drip system for your favorite beans, but he would definitely still be open to a more subtle role, like heating the electric kettle that you use for pour over.Read more...

Consider first the site of the Countess’ unannounced departure: her study. As all witnesses agree, the Countess spent the evening penning correspondences at her desk, where the telltale scratch of her quill could be detected well into the evening. However, immediately following the stroke of midnight, the staff claims…Read more...

The dramatic effects of the ongoing coronavirus pandemic on the U.S. economy have given rise to calls for America to restart, while critics warn that reopening America before the pandemic abates will have grave long-term consequences. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of reopening America before the coronavirus…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Contributing to the sense of alarm spreading across the country, concerns over the food supply escalated Wednesday after the nation’s naughty little boys reportedly snuck into reserve stockpiles and ate up all the sweets. “A sudden disruption to our inventories occurred after several misbehaving young…Read more...

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SANTA CRUZ, CA—As part of an effort to help reduce the spread of Covid-19, scientists who conduct research into DMT at the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies have advised members of the public to maintain an interval of at least 6 feet from their own body. “Now more than ever, it is imperative for…Read more...

Every 10 years, platoons of armed soldiers from the U.S. Census Bureau burst through doors across the nation and count everyone living inside. Hear how the Bureau accomplishes this astonishing feat.Read more...

HARTFORD, CT—Paying tribute to the brave men and women on the frontlines, Aetna president and CEO Larry Merlo released a statement Tuesday honoring his courageous employees who continue to seek and collect insurance debt from customers “proudly and by any means necessary” in this difficult time. “Our nation owes a…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Reflecting the commander in chief’s growing frustration with the physician’s pattern of thinly veiled criticisms during the pandemic, President Donald Trump blasted Dr. Anthony Fauci Tuesday over his repeated negative remarks about the coronavirus. “Fauci has done some very good things, sure, but frankly,…Read more...

Stock-car driver Kyle Larson has been suspended by NASCAR, his racing team, and the online simulation game iRacing for using a racial slur during a virtual competition, though he could be eligible for reinstatement if he completes sensitivity training. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Declaring that the coronavirus pandemic should not affect America’s hardline stance against the Middle Eastern republic, U.S. secretary of state Mike Pompeo warned Tuesday that he strongly suspected Iran of stockpiling tubes to build a ventilator. “Iran has repeatedly ignored our messages to refrain from…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Expressing ravenous desire in their gurgling bellies amid widespread lockdowns due to the novel coronavirus pandemic, the bib-wearing nation reportedly held forks and knives Monday while impatiently waiting for restaurants to reopen. “Hungry, hungry, hungry,” said 327 million Americans, drooling on their…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Faced with the prospect of complete financial ruin due to the Covid-19 outbreak, the U.S. Postal Service officially unveiled a plan Tuesday to pay off its debts by issuing a new $1 trillion stamp. “As part of our effort to remain solvent and continue serving the American people, we are proud to introduce…Read more...

NEW YORK—The nation reportedly breathed a sigh of relief Monday after learning of a social media message from IFC sitcom Brockmire in which the cast and crew wished them well amidst these trying times. “Thank God, if Hank Azaria and Amanda Peet want us to do our part to stay healthy and happy during the outbreak, then…Read more...

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Lawyer Stella Morris claimed in a video posted online that she is engaged to WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange and that he fathered their two children in the Ecuadorian embassy, where he lived from 2012 through 2019 while evading rape and espionage charges. What do you think?Read more...

British prime minister Boris Johnson left the hospital Sunday following a weeklong stay including three days in the ICU due to complications from Covid-19, though he will not return to work until a later date. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Calling the machine a “potential breakthrough” in the nonprofit’s fight against the coronavirus pandemic, a desperate American Red Cross introduced a new high-powered arm juicer Monday designed to get every last drop of blood out of donors. “We’ve been struggling to find healthy donors, so this machine is a…Read more...

Lawmakers are finally beginning to take action with a new coronavirus package that will distribute 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzles to all bored families most affected. But will it be enough?Read more...

Ying Ying and Le Le, two giant pandas living at a zoo in Hong Kong currently closed due to coronavirus, have successfully mated for the first time in a decade, though it could be months before staff can determine if Ying Ying is pregnant. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Upending generations of established scholarship, a report published Monday by the American Historical Association has revealed the Declaration of Independence was only intended to be a vehicle for the Founding Fathers to vent in private about various grievances they had. “According to newly uncovered…Read more...

When the news first came down the pipeline that The Last of Us Part II wouldn’t be hitting its planned Feb. 21, 2020 release date, it was a major blow to devotees of the series everywhere—but an understandable one. After all, this is one of the greatest gaming series in the medium’s history. If the Uncharted and Jax…Read more...

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Corbin Bernsen is perhaps best known for his role in the hit ’80s TV drama L.A. Law, but we bet you didn’t realize he was yet another victim of Green Card star Andie MacDowell! In 2010, the Hollywood actress dragged a screaming Bernsen into the trunk of her car before driving him out into the Mojave Desert and…Read more...

JERSEY CITY, NJ—Shrugging while pulling the several-months-old vegetable out of a bag on her counter, local woman Janice Freidman reportedly inspected a writhing, screaming potato with 8-foot-long roots Friday before deeming it “probably still good.” “I bet it’s fine—if I just cut off the spiked, muscular tendrils and…Read more...

MENLO PARK, CA—Straining to keep up with the frantic buzz of incoming calls, Facebook’s 25-person switchboard room was reportedly in a state of controlled chaos Friday afternoon in an attempt to handle the site’s overwhelming traffic. “Okay, I’ll connect you to her page. Yes sir, patching you into that album now.…Read more...

While host Leslie Price wishes his Italian getaway would never end, he simply can’t wait to get back behind the microphone. Join him when he returns on Monday, April 13, for all-new episodes of The Topical every weekday morning!Read more...