The Onion

NEW YORK—Proudly declaring that they never thought they’d see the day their vision would finally be realized, streaming service Spotify reportedly celebrated Thursday the platform’s 100th dollar given to artists. “When we launched Spotify in 2008, our mission was to reward artists when customers listened to music, and…Read more...

FAIR LAWN, NJ—Expressing frustration that her decades of dismissive arrogance meant nothing to some people, Yankees fan Emma Parker admitted Thursday that she was tired of having to prove that she’s a genuine asshole. “People look at me wearing pinstripes and they just assume I’m just pretending to be a huge prick,”…Read more...

WALTHAM, MA—Concluding that their unmanned aerial weapons platform would now advance to the next stage of evaluation, engineers at Raytheon announced Thursday that they had successfully tested their new combat drone on mice. “We’re pleased to inform the public that the cutting-edge Spider II drone has passed…Read more...

Hear why zoologists are calling the big cat’s act of mutual oral sex a major breakthrough in the field of animal behavior.Read more...

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Iowa State University announced that 25,000 masked fans will be admitted into Jack Trice Stadium for the first football game of the season, even as the state has seen a 92% increase in new coronavirus cases over the last week. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Calling the evidence “troubling,” researchers from the Economic Policy Institute issued a statement Wednesday warning Americans that money withering to ash in their hands could be a sign of a recession. “We found that numerous $5 bills suddenly turning into a powdery residue that slips through your fingers…Read more...

Despite calls from the governor to stay away and allow residents to heal, President Trump on Tuesday toured Kenosha, Wisconsin, where an armed militant killed two people at a protest days after a police officer shot 29-year-old Jacob Blake. What do you think?Read more...

PRESCOTT, AZ—Explaining that she did not have any strong preferences when it came to make or model, area woman Laura Bauer, a conscientious SUV shopper, confirmed Wednesday that she just wanted something that would kill the family in the other car if she got into an accident. “All I’m looking for is a sturdy, reliable…Read more...

ATLANTA—Stressing that he hoped to pave a way for future Black filmmakers-turned-financial-regulators, Tyler Perry announced Wednesday the expansion of his entertainment empire into a central banking system with the launch of Tyler Perry’s Federal Reserve. “I always emphasize the importance of ownership, so it only…Read more...

BRATTLEBORO, VT—Expressing shock at the indecent architectural structure, local Vermont man Beau Colton told reporters Wednesday he was aghast after catching sight of a topless bridge out in public. “I couldn’t believe it at first, but there it was, right in broad daylight in the middle of the road, hanging out…Read more...

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Hear why, according to a new Duke University study, being a decent parent is actually incredibly easy —and if you find it to be at all difficult, you’re probably doing it wrong.Read more...

HINSDALE, IL—Despite years of bragging about her matchmaking skills, Kelly Peerman, the friend who introduced local couple Jordan and Melissa Gantner, was not so high and mighty now that they were getting divorced, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Well, well, well, it looks like old cupid over here might have missed the…Read more...

GRAPEVINE, TX—Describing application of the household product as essential in order to always look one’s youngest, child beauty experts issued a recommendation Wednesday touting the benefits of regular, revitalizing Elmer’s glue peels. “There is nothing more satisfying than spreading a thin layer of Elmer’s Glue-All…Read more...

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Labor Day weekend sales will likely be greatly reduced this year as increased demand from consumers and reduced manufacturing capabilities have made it difficult for stores to keep appliances in stock. What do you think?Read more...

KING OF PRUSSIA, PA—Concerned his beliefs about a shadowy cabal of elites secretly ruling the world would not be taken seriously after they received the president’s endorsement, local man Brett Tisne expressed worry Tuesday that Donald Trump retweeting him would undermine his credibility as a conspiracy theorist.…Read more...

The Federal Aviation Administration has awarded Amazon an air carrier certificate, clearing the way for the e-commerce giant to begin testing unmanned aircraft deliveries to customers. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Taking a firm stand ahead of his visit to the Wisconsin, President Donald Trump vigorously defended Kenosha shooter Kyle Rittenhouse Tuesday as a racist white supremacist. “People are taking his actions completely out of context, but you’ve got to realize this kid was a brave racist who crossed state lines…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Declaring that they had already earmarked tens of millions of dollars toward funding the vital medication, the FDA reportedly promised Tuesday to fast-track a cure for the side effects of the fast-tracked Covid-19 vaccine. “Developing a response to address the effects of the accelerated coronavirus…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Waxing philosophic about the team’s chemistry and grit over the dinner table, media mogul Bill Simmons critiqued his wife’s lasagna Tuesday by insisting that the 1985-1986 Boston Celtics were still better. “You made a great marinara sauce, honey, but it doesn’t quite blend together like Bird, Parish, and…Read more...

Hear how those who fabricated a bachelor’s degree also tended to have better test scores, less student debt, and an additional graduate degree from a prestigious Ivy League school.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on how Americans can best protect themselves from burglary, a report from the Pew Center released Tuesday found that the majority of break-ins occur while a security guard is watching an aerobics video and eating a big bowl of chili. “Our research indicates that, by far, the most common…Read more...

OXFORD, UK—Shedding new light on the origin of the number, historians at Oxford University published new evidence Tuesday that the ancient Mesopotamians invented the concept of zero after catching sight of a total fucking loser. “We have unearthed multiple ancient cuneiforms confirming that the Sumerians came up with…Read more...

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WENHAM, MA—Friends of local third-grader Emily DeCateur expressed their bemusement Monday at the 8-year-old’s pretentious insistence on only reading books that have won a Newbery Medal. “Emily’s just really insufferable to try to discuss books with because if you try to recommend a Captain Underpants or something and …Read more...

Former Vice President Joe Biden will begin visiting voters in battleground states across the country after the pandemic forced his campaign to halt in-person events earlier this year. What do you think?Read more...

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MENLO PARK, CA—Describing the move as a long-term investment in cutting-edge technology, social media giant Facebook announced Monday the purchase of Oculus VR for an additional $2 billion after forgetting they already bought the company in 2014. “We saw an opportunity to become a leader in the virtual reality space…Read more...

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Plus, OPR takes a look at the conspiracy theory surrounding NASA’s storied Apollo program. Is it possible that Neil Armstrong’s moon orgasm was faked?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Responding to Justin Timberlake’s prolonged absence from the public stage, Americans across the nation expressed curiosity Monday about whatever happened to the once-popular singer-songwriter. “God, that guy was huge for a little bit, but I honestly couldn’t even tell you what he looks like any more,” said…Read more...

MANCHESTER, NH—Declaring that the event wasn’t really what they were hoping for, hardcore Donald Trump fans who attended a rally Friday to hear his classic border wall rants told reporters they were frustrated by the boring new Covid-19 stuff. “I appreciate that the president wants to try out some new coronavirus…Read more...

ENCINITAS, CA—Crashing through the top of the surf in an arching jump before approaching a group of nearby swimmers, Michael Phelps reportedly breached the ocean’s surface Friday to ask if the coronavirus is still ongoing before returning to the briny depths. “How fares the surface world? Does the pandemic still run…Read more...

BRATSK, RUSSIA—Begging for mercy from the animal that they thought had died on its space voyage more than 60 years ago, Russian scientists inspecting a new impact crater Friday gripped their heads in agony as a telepathic Laika, the dog, emerged from the smoldering ruins. “No, it cannot be. Laika? It’s not possible!”…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Saying there was no better investment than sheltering the A-list celebrity in a tight crawl space, a panel of top real estate experts agreed Friday that having actor and director George Clooney live in the attic of one’s home was a great way to boost its resale value. “An analysis of market trends clearly…Read more...

MUNCIE, IN—Methodically taking the proper steps to divert an artery, cardiac surgeon Dr. Stewart Smith took extra care with a double bypass Thursday just in case the patient was an undercover professional critic. “These guys often schedule major surgeries without full disclosure or any warning, so just to be safe, I’m…Read more...

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This can be a cynical business, gamers, but every once in a while, a story comes along that warms our hearts. Yesterday, Bethesda revealed that after hearing the story of an elderly 86-year-old man who has played over 1,000 hours of Skyrim they decided to pay tribute to the superfan by putting him in the upcoming …Read more...

OPR Weather Correspondent Kenneth Neeley is live from the Gulf Coast, explaining how Hurricane Laura’s path of destruction serves as God’s punishment for all his wicked acts.Read more...

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CHARLOTTE, NC—Delivering a stern warning about his fear for the nation’s future, a visibly terrified Rudy Giuliani screamed his conviction in a Thursday evening RNC speech that 100-foot-tall spiders would destroy American cities and then come for the suburbs. “Once they’ve wrapped our major cities in their massive…Read more...

Doctors worldwide are urging people to get flu shots early this year due to concerns that a severe flu season could create a “twindemic,” placing added pressure on health care systems already struggling to fight the coronavirus. What do you think?Read more...

CULVER CITY, CA—Preferring to just watch playoff basketball in peace, Lakers fan Derek Wainwright expressed frustration Thursday that he was being forced to recognize basketball players’ humanity in any way. “I wish they’d stop bringing basic human dignity into sports, so I can enjoy the damn game,” said Wainwright,…Read more...

NEW YORK—After an AR-15-wielding teenager was charged with the first-degree murder of two protesters in Kenosha, WI, Blue Lives Matter supporters told reporters Thursday that Kyle Rittenhouse’s actions did not reflect the nonviolent tactics favored by most police-state apologists. “When you see us out there waving…Read more...

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ANN ARBOR, MI—In a report issued Thursday from a stretch of U.S. 23 South, Wilson Ornithological Society researchers shared new data that suggests owls just bounce off your windshield right there on the highway sometimes. “According to our research, it is possible for an owl to come out of nowhere, slam face-first…Read more...