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Updated 2025-07-04 18:15
Trump Knocks Self Out After Running Headfirst Into Vote-Counting Facility Glass Doors
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Panicked Trump Agrees To Zoom Debate
WASHINGTON—Alarmed that his chances of victory had grown increasingly slim, a visibly panicked Donald Trump decided Thursday evening that he would be fine with debating Democratic opponent Joe Biden on Zoom if that was what it took to win, sources close to the president confirmed. “Fine, I’ll do it—get the computer…Read more...
Trump Files Lawsuit In Pennsylvania Alleging Election Officials Totally Disregarding His Feelings
WASHINGTON—Blasting the complete lack of empathy, campaign attorneys for President Donald Trump filed a lawsuit in Pennsylvania Thursday alleging state election officials were totally disregarding his feelings. “A lot of these ballots clearly contain information that makes me sad and scared, and it’s just not right,”…Read more...
Conservatives Outraged After Finding Hundreds Of Votes For Trump Spray-Painted On Jewish Graves
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Nation Never Wants To See Color Red Or Blue Ever Again
WASHINGTON—Exhausted after 48 hours of following cable news coverage and continually refreshing their web browsers, Americans from all 50 states and the District of Columbia told reporters Thursday they do not want to see the color red or the color blue in any context or for any reason ever again. “I swear to God, if…Read more...
CNN Production Assistant Dutifully Shoots Another Round Of Uppers Into Wolf Blitzer’s Butt Cheek
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Democratic Strategists Hold Screening Of ‘Three Amigos’ In Order To Better Understand Latino Culture
WASHINGTON—Hoping to learn from their failure to court the potential voter base in the 2020 election, Democratic strategists held a screening of Three Amigos Thursday in an effort to help the party better understand Latino culture. “One of the major blunders of the last campaign cycle was Democrats’ lack of a message…Read more...
Tips For Wearing Contacts
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Hundreds Of Shelter Cats And Dogs Flown From Hawaii To Mainland For Adoption
Over 600 dogs and cats were flown from overcrowded shelters in Hawaii to Washington, Oregon, Montana, and Idaho, where the animals are more likely to be adopted in what organizers say is the largest pet rescue flight ever. What do you think?Read more...
Overwhelmed White Nationalist Militia Spread Way Too Thin Plotting Attacks Against Everyone Trump Wants
Hear why a growing list of targets and scant resources may have more violent alt-right groups biting off more than they can chew.Read more...
Passed California Ballot Measure Allows Uber, Lyft To Categorize Workers As Car Parts
SAN FRANCISCO—In what amounts to an unequivocal victory for the multibillion-dollar rideshare corporations, California ballot measure 22 officially passed Tuesday, allowing Uber and Lyft to categorize their workers as car parts. “We’re absolutely thrilled with this outcome that lets us legally recognize drivers as a…Read more...
2020 Election Day Recap
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‘How Can They Expect Me To Focus Today?’ Asks Man Putting In Usual Half-Assed Effort At Work
NEW YORK—Though he was indignant that his employer expected him to carry on as normal while the nation awaited results in what might be the most important election of his adult life, sources confirmed local data analyst Dennis Andino nonetheless put in his ordinary half-assed effort at work Wednesday. “Seriously, how…Read more...
Johnny Depp Loses Libel Case Against British Tabloid
A court in London has ruled that the British tabloid The Sun did not commit libel when they published a 2018 article claiming actor Johnny Depp was abusive toward his ex-wife Amber Heard, which the judge ruled to be “substantially true” based on evidence presented by the defense. What do you think?Read more...
Newly Elected QAnon Congresswoman Worried She Selling Out By Working With Pedophile Cabal
ALPHARETTA, GA—As the glow of her victory dimmed and the reality of what she’d agreed to do finally dawned on her, newly elected QAnon-supporting Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) was reportedly worried Wednesday morning that she was selling out by going to work with a pedophile cabal. “I mean, Congress is…Read more...
Woman Loads Up On Discounted Voting Machines Day After Election
PORTSMOUTH, NH—Taking full advantage of the post-election markdowns, local woman Olivia Fanelli reportedly loaded up Wednesday on discounted voting machines. “Three’s probably more than I need, but they’re practically giving these away at the Board of Elections,” said Fanelli, who lugged the devices out to her truck…Read more...
Whale Sculpture Saves Train From Crashing
Dutch authorities say a subway train that derailed from its elevated track avoided plunging to the ground below after it caught on a 32-foot statue of a whale’s tail. What do you think?Read more...
Seizures Induced In Millions Of Americans As CNN Map Strobes Wildly Between Blue And Red
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Flustered Wolf Blitzer Cuts To Malaysian Airplane Coverage To Distract From Lack Of Concrete Results
ATLANTA—As time continued to pass without any election developments to report, an increasingly flustered CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer cut to coverage of the missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 to distract from a lack of concrete results. “We can now conclusively state that Flight 370 did not go down off of the western…Read more...
Ballot Balks
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Man Buys Couple Boxes Of Mac And Cheese In Case Society Descends Into Blood-Soaked Pandemonium
PHILADELPHIA—Deciding to prepare himself for any situation that might emerge following the election, area man Josh Miller bought a couple boxes of macaroni and cheese on his way home from work in case society descended into a horrifying, blood-soaked pandemonium, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Having a few things of Easy…Read more...
InfoWars Offers Readers Guide To Staying Psychotic, Violent During Stressful Election Day
AUSTIN, TX—Providing simple methods for entering a completely unhinged state, the far-right conspiracy theory website InfoWars reportedly offered readers Tuesday a helpful guide to staying psychotic and violent during the stressful Election Day. “In order to make sure you maintain a sense of derangement and hostility…Read more...
Nation’s Poll Workers Whip Teams Of Oxen Pulling Wooden Gears To Process Ballots
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‘Baby Shark’ Becomes Most-Viewed Youtube Video Of All Time
“Baby Shark,” the children’s song produced by South Korean company Pinkfong, has been played over 7.043 billion times, beating Luis Fonsi’s “Despacito” to become the most-watched Youtube video ever. What do you think?Read more...
Confused Man Obsessively Refreshing Ted Danson’s IMDB Page
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2020 Election Spending By The Numbers
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‘Not So Fast,’ Says Poll Watcher's Voice Echoing From Inside Ballot Box
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Disgusted Election Officials Unable To Count Over 5 Million Ballots That Were Clearly Used As Napkins
Hear why these unmistakably nasty ballots that were used to either wipe off a voter’s face or clean up a spill could affect tonight’s election outcome.Read more...
Report: Nothing Could Go Wrong On A Day As Beautiful As This
STOCKBRIDGE, MA—Urging readers to just take a look at the shining sun and the blue sky stretching far as the eye could see, a report released Tuesday morning found that nothing could go wrong on a day as beautiful as this. “Boy oh boy, the birds are singing and there isn’t a cloud in sight—yessiree, today…Read more...
Burger King, Popeyes Introduce ‘Predictive Selling Technology’
The parent company of Burger King, Popeyes, and Tim Horton’s restaurants will add “predictive selling technology” to 10,000 drive-thrus over the next two years, which they say will tailor promotions to consumers based on previous orders, weather patterns, time of day, and other factors. What do you think?Read more...
Poland Enters Day 12 Of Nationwide Protests Following Abortion Ruling
For nearly two weeks, hundreds of thousands of people have marched through Warsaw and other major cities in Poland to protest the government and a new court ruling that leaves the country with a near-total ban on abortion. What do you think?Read more...
Trump Makes Last-Minute Campaign Stop To Rally Voters On Supreme Court
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Anti-Jacketers Rally Outside Burlington Coat Factory To Protest Liberal Cold Weather Conspiracy
SCHAUMBURG, IL—Waving homemade signs outside the department store, anti-jacket demonstrators held a rally at Burlington Coat Factory Monday to protest what they called the “liberal cold weather conspiracy.” “The elite at Burlington Coat Factory think they can convince us that parkas and down jackets can protect us…Read more...
‘See, I Clean Up Nice,’ Announces Ugly, Dirty Man In Suit
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Michigan Hopes To Increase Voter Turnout By Making It Legal To Cast Ballot By Stepping Outside And Shouting Candidate’s Name
Plus, we’ll sit down with OPR’s immortal election expert who has only predicted 12 of 58 presidential elections correctly, but we still give him some air time every four years anyway.Read more...
Cross Section Of Tree Suggests It May Have Gone Through Psychedelic Period During ’60s
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Leopard Mauls Man Who Paid To Have Pictures Taken
A man was mauled by a black leopard after paying $150 to have a “full contact experience” with the dangerous animal. What do you think?Read more...
Netflix Prices Going Up
Popular streaming service Netflix will increase pricing for its most popular plan to $14 per month and its premium plan to $18 per month in an attempt to overcome recent market slumps. What do you think?Read more...
How Election Night Could Unfold
Election night, Nov. 3, is being scrutinized as uncertainties with voting, a pandemic, and the rhetoric of President Donald Trump have led to speculation that there might not be a firm resolution. The Onion looks at the most likely ways that election night could unfold.Read more...
Mike McCarthy Dismisses Talk Of Locker Room Turmoil After Cowboys Burn Mike McCarthy Effigy On Field
ARLINGTON, TX—Promising that the team was all on the same page heading into this week’s matchup with the Eagles, Dallas head coach Mike McCarthy dismissed rumors of turmoil in his locker room Friday after Cowboys players burned an effigy of him at midfield. “The media is trying to start a narrative by saying the…Read more...
Georgia Resident Still In Line To Vote Happy She At Least Has Nice View Of The Gateway Arch
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HGTV Exec Moans With Pleasure Upon Receiving Word About Triplets Who Flip, Furnish, and Sell Houseboats In The Carolinas
KNOXVILLE, TN—Calling the discovery “too good to be true,” HGTV development executive Robert Courter reportedly moaned with pleasure Friday upon receiving word about triplets who flip, furnish, and sell houseboats in the Carolinas. “Sweet Jesus, look at the way they swing those big sledge hammers,” said Courter, who…Read more...
Report: More Souls Deferring Entrance To Heaven For A Year To Backpack Through Spirit Realm
ASTRAL PLANE—Citing an increased desire to take some time for themselves before joining the great choir invisible, more souls are choosing to defer entrance to Heaven for a year in order to spend time backpacking through the spirit realm, according to a comprehensive interfaith report released Thursday. “I have my…Read more...
Is Uniting The Country Possible? We Locked A Republican And A Democrat In A Room For A Week To Find Out
A pro-Trump voter from rural Missouri. A young, die-hard Democrat from Boston. Can they put their difference aside, and prove that there is more that unites us than divides us? We’ll find out as soon as we unlock the door of the room they’ve been sealed inside of for the last week.Read more...
Woman Who Kind Of Looks Like Anna Kendrick Not Sure What To Do With This Power
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Coconut Milk Pulled From Shelves Over Forced Monkey Labor
Under pressure from animal advocacy group PETA, retailers have stopped stocking coconut milk brand Chaokoh due to allegations of using forced monkey labor in Thailand to pick coconuts. What do you think?Read more...
2020 Elections: Key State Ballot Measures
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Election Almost Over
With less than one week until polls close, the nation continued its sprint to finish one of the most contentious and exhausting elections in recent history as early voter count rose to over half of 2016’s final turnout. What do you think?Read more...
Texas Voters Line Up To Shoot Ballots At Local Election Range
CANYON, TX—Loading their firearms with enough ammo to mark their preferred candidates for each race, Texas voters lined up to begin shooting their 2020 ballots at local election ranges, sources confirmed Thursday. “It’s always nice to stare down the ol’ iron sights and make your voice heard by leaving a bullet hole on…Read more...
Fantasy Football Week 8: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em
NFL Week 8 is a time of introspection and reflection in the fantasy football world, a week where you look back on the mistakes of the past and start to get in touch with the lineup that makes you truly happy. Onion Sports fantasy expert Gary Borkowski is here to aid in that quest with his top players to start or sit.Read more...
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