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Updated 2025-07-18 22:16
No Amount Of Training Could Have Prepared Cat For First Experience Seeing Mouse In Real Life
SARASOTA, FL—Expressing his shock at having been taken completely off guard, local cat Muffins acknowledged Monday that no amount of training could have prepared him for his first experience encountering a mouse in real life. “Man, I’ve spent hours and hours simulating a confrontation with a mouse, but when the real…Read more...
Man Who Laid It On Thick About Quitting Job Not Such Hot Shit During Pandemic
ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Noting the 37-year-old marketing professional was no longer so high and mighty, sources confirmed Monday that local man Andrew Martin, who laid it on really damn thick about quitting his job earlier this year, was not such hot shit during the pandemic. “Months and months of talk about how this place is…Read more...
Experts Confirm Virus Stockpile Large Enough To Prevent Any Covid Shortages This Winter
WASHINGTON—Rushing to assure the country’s populace ahead of the holiday season, experts confirmed Monday that the nation’s virus stockpiles were large enough to prevent any Covid-19 shortages this winter. “Let me be perfectly clear: We have a nearly inexhaustible supply of the virus on hand that will easily last…Read more...
Ah, Shoot: We Forgot To Drain Our Xbox Over The Weekend And Now All The Game Fluid Leaked Out
Well, dang it. We’re feeling pretty annoyed right now because we just walked into the OGN offices after taking the weekend off and we were met with a nasty surprise: We forgot to drain our new Xbox Series X over the weekend, and now all the game fluid leaked out.
Aryan Brotherhood Reports Record Surge In Donations On Election Night
Hear how the dramatic increase in grassroots fundraising could help spread the Aryan Brotherhood’s message of racial purity nationwide.Read more...
Trump Furious After Finding Issue Of ‘Washington Post’ Hidden Under Barron's Mattress
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Ring Recalls 350,000 Doorbells After Several Catch Fire
Amazon-subsidiary Ring is recalling 350,000 2nd-generation smart doorbells following reports that at least 23 have caught fire due to overheating batteries. What do you think?Read more...
Parents Cheer As 8-Year-Old Son Chokes Out Opponent In UFC Jr. League Match
LAS VEGAS—Standing up and shouting at the referee as his opponent landed an illegal knee from half guard, Mitch and Ashley Felden cheered on their 8-year-old son, Tanner, Saturday as he secured a submission victory in his UFC Jr. League match. “It’s great for a kid’s confidence when they learn how to roundhouse kick…Read more...
Global Measles Cases Reach 23-Year High
A report from the World Health Organization finds there were 869,770 measles cases worldwide last year and that declining vaccination rates along with the pandemic could lead to a further increase in outbreaks. What do you think?Read more...
Rising Coronavirus Cases Force Chicago To Set Up Temporary Bars In Hospitals
CHICAGO—As the city grappled with measures that would adequately address the infectious disease’s unchecked spread, rising coronavirus cases forced Chicago this week to set up temporary bars in hospitals. “With more Chicagoans testing positive and requiring medical care, we have no choice but to fight this thing by…Read more...
Panicking Chicagoans Stuff Pockets With As Much Giardiniera As Possible Ahead Of Stay-At-Home Order
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Fans Concerned After Oprah’s Favorite Things List Just 6-Pack Of Miller Lite
CHICAGO—Revealing their sincere worries about the iconic talk show host’s wellbeing and mental health, fans expressed concerns Friday after Oprah Winfrey’s annual Favorite Things list only featured a six-pack of Miller Lite. “Yeah, I know this year has been hard on everyone, but I guess I wasn’t expecting Oprah would…Read more...
Teary-Eyed Trump Finally Accepts Election Defeat After Watching Slideshow Of Presidency Set To Vitamin C’s ‘Graduation (Friends Forever)’
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N.Y. Jets Sued For Millions After Using Unlicensed Cheering Sounds From Other Teams
FLORHAM PARK, NJ—Decrying the blatant lifting of audio files for in-stadium noise during quarantine, the New York Jets were sued for millions Friday following the franchise’s unlicensed use of other teams’ cheering sounds. “It is obvious to any listener these sounds of joy and applause were not created by the New York…Read more...
Heroin Destroys Promising Young Spoon
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Michelle Obama Fuming After Barack Also Titles New Memoir ‘Becoming’
WASHINGTON—Calling the discovery “unbelievable,” Michelle Obama was reportedly fuming Friday after learning Barack Obama had also titled his new memoir Becoming. “I know I don’t own a trademark on the word ‘becoming,’ but what the fuck, Barack?” said the former first lady, who was bewildered after coming across an…Read more...
Irresponsible Neighbor Having Ton Of People Over During Pandemic
APPLETON, WI—Utterly disregarding the Centers for Disease Control’s Covid-19 safety guidelines, irresponsible neighbor Edith Bernstein, 94, was having a ton of visitors over to her house, local sources reported Friday. “Who the hell does she think she is hosting a gathering like that while cases are skyrocketing?”…Read more...
Nation Regrets Not Signing Prenup After Finding Out Trump Entitled To Half Of Country’s Assets
Hear how Trump’s lawyers plan to aggressively go after the nation’s belongings, and why the American people are likely going to have to pony up.Read more...
Failed Art Restoration Draws Calls For Stricter Oversight
Professional art conservationists in Spain are demanding more oversight after an amateur restoration left a 97-year-old statue with grotesque features and a “potato head,” with many likening the incident to “Monkey Christ,” a botched repainting that gained international attention in 2012. What do you think?Read more...
The Must-Have Xbox Series X Launch Titles
Prepare yourself, Microsoft fans, the release of the Xbox Series X is finally here! Click on to see the must-have launch titles for the latest for your newest favorite console.
Britney Spears Loses Bid To Remove Father As Conservator
A Los Angeles court has denied Britney Spears’ attempt to remove her father from the conservatorship of her estate, while lawyers for the pop star say she will not perform while he remains her legal guardian as she is afraid of him. What do you think?Read more...
‘So, Do You Play?’ Asks Girlfriend’s Little Brother, Gesturing Grandly To Ping-Pong Table
BUTLER, NJ—Removing two paddles from their cloth sheaths, Robbie, the little brother of local man Brian Feehan’s girlfriend asked the interloper ‘Do you play?’ Thursday while grandly gesturing to the ping-pong table behind them. “Are you familiar with the grand game? Perhaps we could measure ourselves man against…Read more...
Jared Goff, Rams Come To Terms On 2-Year Contract Reduction
LOS ANGELES—Finally completing a long-sought move to ensure a winning future for the organization, the Los Angeles Rams and quarterback Jared Goff announced Thursday that they had come to terms on a two-year contract reduction. “We believe this is a win-win for both sides, and are thrilled to get out ahead of future…Read more...
Sweating, Pantsless Giuliani Emerges From Tomb Of The Unknown Soldier
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Looking Back On The Onion’s First 15,000 Years Of Coronavirus Coverage
As the mainstream media squanders its journalistic integrity by ignoring a devastating global pandemic, America’s Finest News Source has provided the most insightful, accurate, and truly divisive reporting on Covid-19.Read more...
Clothing Tips For Cold Weather
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New United Ultra Economy Class Tickets Lets Passengers Get Dragged Behind Plane By Giant Rope
Hear why United Airlines and customers alike are calling the new Ultra Economy option just as satisfying, comfortable, and safe as any other flight option.Read more...
Covid Patient Told To Go Throw Himself On Body Pile Until Hospital Bed Freed Up
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View To A Kilt
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‘Full House’ Home Purchased For $5.35 Million
The three-story, four-bedroom Victorian home featured in the opening credits of Full House has sold for $5.35 million, $640,000 under the original asking price of $5.99 million. What do you think?Read more...
‘I...I Am The Mainstream Media,’ Realizes Horrified Tucker Carlson Spiraling Live On Air
WASHINGTON—Coming to the realization in front of millions of viewers during the broadcast of his show, a horrified Tucker Carlson stated, ‘I…I am the mainstream media’ Wednesday as he began spiraling live on air. “We’ve discovered evidence of rampant voter fraud, and the president has every right to call for an…Read more...
Apologetic Man Regrets Driving Wedge Into Country By Voting
SAVANNAH, GA—Apologizing for the part he had played in the current political dispute that was dividing the country, local man Dale Swick told reporters Wednesday he regrets driving a wedge into the country by voting. “I would have kept my opinions to myself and not even filled out a ballot if I had known that the…Read more...
CDC Issues Updated Thanksgiving Guidelines
The Centers for Disease Control has updated its holiday guidelines ahead of Thanksgiving, urging Americans to stay home and avoid indoor get-togethers as small household gatherings are a major contributor to the worsening coronavirus pandemic. What do you think?Read more...
Woman Mentally Scans Everything She Knows About Friend Before Launching Into Rant Against Healing Crystals
YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Treading carefully to avoid any hurt feelings, local woman Erin Lippert reportedly took a moment Wednesday to mentally scan everything she knew about her friend before launching into a rant against healing crystals. “I was planning to tell Nina about this dumbass amethyst necklace my sister-in-law…Read more...
Pfizer Announces First Batch Of Coronavirus Vaccine Will Be Collector’s Edition Limited To 2,000 Doses
NEW YORK—Following this week’s news that the immunization may be 90% effective in preventing Covid-19, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer announced in an advertisement Wednesday that the first batch of its highly anticipated coronavirus vaccine would arrive in a collector’s edition limited to 2,000 doses. “Pfizer is proud to…Read more...
Health Officials Warn Holiday Travel Could Cause Spike In Millions Of Americans Falling For Old Hometown Flame
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing what a huge risk it was to the nation’s already-damaged emotional health, officials warned Wednesday that holiday travel could cause a spike in millions of Americans falling for their old hometown flame. “To anyone thinking of flying or driving home this Thanksgiving, please, consider how easy…Read more...
History Of Presidential Transitions Of Power
The peaceful transition of power is historically a hallmark of the American presidency, but the process hasn’t always gone smoothly. The Onion looks back at a history of presidential transitions.
Jeff Bezos Wears Disguise To Secretly Assess Whole Foods Employees
SEATTLE—Painting green stripes across his face and crouching down at the bottom of a wooden produce crate, Jeff Bezos reportedly disguised himself as a medium-sized watermelon Wednesday in order to secretly assess Whole Foods employees. Several reports confirmed the Amazon CEO, worth $188.9 billion, was nestled…Read more...
Asshole Monk Hogging Meditation Spot Under Waterfall For Whole Hour Now
WAKAYAMA, JAPAN—Expressing disbelief that their colleague had failed to notice the long line of practitioners stretching back to the temple, sources at Seiganto-Ji monastery confirmed Wednesday that an asshole monk has been hogging the best meditation spot under a nearby waterfall for a whole hour now. “Come on,…Read more...
Soldier Faces Difficult Adjustment To Life At Home After Long Trip To Bathroom
On this Veteran’s Day, The Topical honors one brave service member and his long road back to normalcy after a particularly long and grueling tour of duty.Read more...
Mother Bear And Cub Shot Attempting To Board Nuclear Submarine
The Russian Navy says it was forced to shoot a mother bear and her cub after the pair climbed aboard a nuclear submarine that was docked at a military port, though footage from the incident drew outrage on social media. What do you think?Read more...
McDonald’s To Launch ‘McPlant’ Meat Alternative
McDonald’s announced the company will release a plant-based burger in some markets next year, with the possibility of adding plant-based chicken and breakfast sandwiches as well. What do you think?Read more...
Brian Kemp Unveils Specially Trained Hogs That Can Root Out Voter Fraud
ATLANTA—Responding to President Donald Trump’s refusal to accept election results, Georgia Governor Brian Kemp unveiled a team of specially trained hogs Tuesday for rooting out voter fraud. “These pigs can smell about 2,000 times better than the average poll observer, making them the ideal team to locate fraudulent…Read more...
Scrambling Vatican Quickly Establishes Child Molestation As New Sacrament
VATICAN CITY—Backpedaling under increased scrutiny after more revelations of widespread sexual abuse cover-ups in the Catholic Church came to light, a scrambling Vatican quickly issued a proclamation Tuesday establishing child molestation as a new sacrament. “We must properly address the role that child molestation…Read more...
Fucking Big Shot Chef Over Here Announces Plans To Smoke Turkey This Year
PARK CITY, UT—Apparently under the impression that he would be preparing a holiday meal for the goddamn Rockefellers, Ryan Platt, this fucking big shot chef over here, has plans to smoke a turkey for Thanksgiving this year, extended family members confirmed Tuesday. “Well, well, well—listening to Mr. Michelin Star…Read more...
Report: 70% Of Republicans Believe Election Hasn’t Happened Yet
WASHINGTON—Spurred by President Donald Trump’s own refusal to accept the results, a new report issued by the Pew Research Center Tuesday found that 70% of Republicans believe the U.S. election hasn’t happened yet. “It just doesn’t make sense—the major news networks are saying Joe Biden is the winner, but how can a…Read more...
How To Fight Sugar Cravings
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 10, 2020
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OPR Health Insurance Lists Leslie Price As Employee’s Only In-Network Primary Care Provider
Host Leslie Price sits down with staff members of The Topical for their annual checkup.Read more...
Michigan Woman With 14 Sons Gives Birth To Daughter
A couple in Michigan with 14 sons aged 2 to 28 have announced the birth of their 15th child, a daughter named Maggie Jayne. What do you think?Read more...
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