The Onion

INDIANAPOLIS—Opening up to his team before their first round match up against Colorado, Georgetown head coach Patrick Ewing reportedly told his players Saturday, “I would trade all of this for an NBA title in a heartbeat.” “Whether this is your first March Madness tournament or your last, just know that it ultimately…Read more...

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An Australian police official’s suggestion of a phone app that records proof of sexual consent to address the country’s rise in sexual assault has been slammed by women’s rights advocates as naïve, problematic, and inadequate. What do you think?Read more...

SPARTA, OH—Dismayed that such a beloved figure would risk tarnishing her image for a few bucks, local viewer Rodney O’Toole expressed confusion Friday about why a big celebrity like the Green M&M would stoop to doing a commercial. “It just rubs me the wrong way to see a star like her selling out to a major brand,”…Read more...

CLAYTON, NC—Deciding it was better to be safe than sorry, local 25-year-old Michael Locke reportedly uploaded a picture of his rash to a different subreddit Friday in order to get a second opinion on a series of bumps that erupted on his arm overnight. “While I’m inclined to agree with the users of r/AskMedical that…Read more...

RALEIGH, NC—Calling the circumstances “a real shame,” sources confirmed Friday that local marathon runner Mark Weber collapsed a little too early to be compassionately helped across the finish line. “I’d be happy to help if, say, he’d collapsed 200 yards from the finish line, but come on, three miles in?” said fellow…Read more...

A mass shooting on Tuesday that left eight people dead at businesses in the Atlanta area has prompted discussion about the shooter’s motivations and the rise of anti-Asian sentiment in the U.S. The Onion looks at what you need to know about the Atlanta spa killings.

WASHINGTON—Indicating an unprecedented lack of public confidence when it comes to wacky, laugh-out-loud moments inadvertently captured on live television, a new study released Friday by the Pew Research Center found that fewer Americans than ever trust news bloopers. “Our findings indicate less than 30% of U.S.…Read more...

ATLANTA—Emphasizing that the shooting rampage that left eight dead around Northern Atlanta may not be an isolated incident, police warned Asian Americans Thursday to be on guard for more random, motiveless attacks. “Given the violent nature of Tuesday’s incident, we urge Asian Americans to be on high alert for…Read more...

Ever since Nintendo announced their plans to open a theme park in Universal Studios Japan, we’ve been waiting with bated breath to explore Peach’s Castle and stomp goombas in an amazing real-world Mario adventures. In fact, we booked our tickets to Osaka immediately after hearing about Super Nintendo World and have…Read more...

Although most of America’s illiterate buffoons are too dense to realize it, the majority of movies based on existing IP differ wildly from their source material. Rather than asking you numbskulls to pick up a manuscript, here are the biggest film adaptations that strayed from their books.Read more...

NEW YORK—Stressing that it was natural for excitement in the bedroom to diminish over time, relationship experts recommended Thursday putting the spark back into your marriage by letting them watch. “It’s perfectly normal to lose interest in one’s partner after years spent together, which is why we would urge you to…Read more...

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Dictionary.com has added 600 new words to its online database, including words like “doomscrolling” and “overpolice” that reflect major events of the last year and more African American Vernacular English words like “finna.” What do you think?Read more...

BRISTOL, CT—Bringing back the popular incentive for another year, ESPN announced Wednesday that it would offer a million-dollar prize for the bracket that correctly predicted the NCAA Tournament’s cancellation. “I love a Cinderella story, so I’m picking North Texas to take down the big dogs with a Covid outbreak,”…Read more...

ATLANTA—In a press conference updating the public on the ongoing investigation, the Atlanta Police Department revealed Wednesday that they had ruled out mass shooting as a cause of death after the 21-year-old suspect told officers that he didn’t shoot anyone. “Following an exhaustive interrogation in which we…Read more...

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A U.S. intelligence report found that Russia and Iran engaged in multi-faceted, covert influence campaigns during the 2020 presidential election with the intent to “undermine public confidence in the electoral process and U.S. institutions, and sow division and exacerbate societal tensions in the U.S.” What do you…Read more...

Non-fungible tokens, or NFTs, recently attracted mainstream attention after an NFT artwork sold at auction for $69 million, and many people are struggling to understand what NFTs actually are. The Onion provides a helpful guide to understanding the basics of NFTs.

MOSCOW—Responding to allegations that the country interfered with the outcome of the U.S. presidential race last year, Russia confirmed that they only participated in the 2020 election after constantly hearing it was the most important election of our lifetimes. “You can only hear people exclaim that absolutely…Read more...

ATLANTA—In the hours following a violent rampage in Georgia in which a lone attacker killed eight individuals and injured one other, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This…Read more...

DENVER—Embarrassed by the momentary slip, local woman Allison Brezina told reporters Wednesday that she hoped her coworkers hadn’t caught her bashing her forehead into her keyboard. “It was just for a second, and I don’t think anyone saw, but still—ugh,” said Brezina, who cringed as she imagined the off chance a…Read more...

FALLS CHURCH, VA—Estimating that as many as tens of thousands of the animals were currently running rampant, a new report from the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service issued Wednesday found that more states were expanding their hunting seasons to combat the rising French bulldog population. “The French bulldog population…Read more...

BOCA RATON—Taking in the irrevocable loss that $4 billion in settlements had left, the Sackler family reportedly began to feel the full impact of the opioid epidemic Wednesday after seeing the spot on the tarmac where their private jet used to be. “It’s just not fair to have something so precious taken from us so…Read more...

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After getting his second dose of the Covid-19 vaccine, famed cellist Yo-Yo Ma entertained those still waiting in line at the vaccination site with a short impromptu concert. What do you think?Read more...

Given the many disgusting books, websites, and TV shows available in the United States, it should come as no surprise that governments abroad choose to keep them under lock and key. Here are several pieces of American media banned in other countries.

Gamers, if there’s anything we know about parenting, it’s that marriage is a team effort. That’s why we were so moved by the heartwarming story of a man who loved his wife so much that he brought his Xbox Series X to the delivery room so she could watch him play Assassin’s Creed Valhalla while in labor.

WASHINGTON—Speculating that the small rocky body had strayed from its home to follow a nearby planet’s gravitational pull, NASA announced Tuesday that they had found a scared asteroid wandering through space without its parents. “When we found this poor little guy in a dark corner of space, it was alone and clearly…Read more...

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New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees has announced his retirement after a 20-season NFL career that included the franchise’s only Super Bowl victory in 2006, less than a year after Hurricane Katrina devastated the city. What do you think?Read more...

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OXFORD, ENGLAND—Following their discovery of a simple grammatical mistake that had gone undetected by Christians until now, a consortium of biblical scholars announced Tuesday that the Latin Vulgate translation of the New Testament had completely distorted the story of Jesus crucifying the Romans. “A careful study of…Read more...

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One of the key members of the band, it was V who came up with the idea that they should all look really cute and be good at dancing.Read more...

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ELKTON, MD—Explaining that the hollow gestures of sympathy would certainly bring tears to his eyes, local widow Gina Hasapis told reporters Tuesday that she just wished her late husband could hear all the rote pleasantries that funeral attendees said about him. “Oh, if only my Martin could hear you pay forced, …Read more...

A new study shows the euphoric feeling runners get known as “runner’s high” is not due to endorphins but to the release of endocannabinoids, marijuana-like biochemicals that cause the floaty, blissful feelings in orgasms. What do you think?Read more...

MEMPHIS, TN—Citing the complications that a sexual relationship inevitably brings, officials at the Memphis Zoo confirmed Monday that giant pandas Ya Ya and Le Le had not mated because they were both worried about messing up their friendship. “While securing the future of their species is absolutely crucial, it could…Read more...

Clearly not a Hall of Fame-caliber player given that the Lions failed to drive him into early retirement at 30.Read more...

Beyoncé broke the record for most Grammy wins by a female artist after receiving her 28th award at the 63rd annual Grammys, while Taylor Swift became the first woman to win album of the year three times. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Several leading football analysts confirmed Wednesday that most NFL teams are just one or two ridiculously overpriced free agent signings away from a Super Bowl victory. “Giving out a bloated contract to an aging pass rusher or promising a ton of guaranteed money to a declining wide receiver with a history of…Read more...

TALLAHASSEE, FL—In an effort to overcome vaccine hesitancy and reduce spread of the coronavirus, Florida announced a new program Monday that aims to increase immunizations by scattering hundreds of thousands of loose hypodermic needles on beaches throughout the state. “In order to reach Floridians who have refused…Read more...

PORTLAND, OR—Frittering away his last possible chance at happiness and success, area man Graham Aniston told reporters Monday that “it’s good to practice some self care” while kicking back. “Sometimes, when you’re really burned out, the best thing you can do is take some time off and just relax,” said Aniston,…Read more...

Netflix is testing a new feature that prompts viewers to verify account ownership, leading to speculation over a future crackdown on the password sharing that’s practiced by one third of its 200 million subscribers. What do you think?Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Shaking his head as he rolled his bucket on stage and set up yellow “wet floor” signs, Grammy’s janitor Marko Pavlović let out a pained sigh Sunday after once again being called in to mop up a puddle of Megan Thee Stallion’s pussy juice. “Oh my god, not again—it’s like the second I’m finished cleaning up…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—In an emotional speech touching on all the factors behind their meteoric rise, global pop superstars BTS expressed their heartfelt thanks at Sunday night’s Grammy Awards for the deeply exploitative system that got them where they are today. “Everyone in the band just wants to give our heartfelt…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Hastily improvising a new set list just minutes before the live broadcast, Taylor Swift was forced to perform songs in the public domain at Sunday’s Grammy Awards after losing the rights to her albums again. “Most Swifties were expecting to see her perform ‘Cardigan,’ but Taylor decided to show her naughty…Read more...