The Onion

BRISTOL, CT—Bringing back the popular incentive for another year, ESPN announced Wednesday that it would offer a million-dollar prize for the bracket that correctly predicted the NCAA Tournament’s cancellation. “I love a Cinderella story, so I’m picking North Texas to take down the big dogs with a Covid outbreak,”…Read more...

ATLANTA—In a press conference updating the public on the ongoing investigation, the Atlanta Police Department revealed Wednesday that they had ruled out mass shooting as a cause of death after the 21-year-old suspect told officers that he didn’t shoot anyone. “Following an exhaustive interrogation in which we…Read more...

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A U.S. intelligence report found that Russia and Iran engaged in multi-faceted, covert influence campaigns during the 2020 presidential election with the intent to “undermine public confidence in the electoral process and U.S. institutions, and sow division and exacerbate societal tensions in the U.S.” What do you…Read more...

Non-fungible tokens, or NFTs, recently attracted mainstream attention after an NFT artwork sold at auction for $69 million, and many people are struggling to understand what NFTs actually are. The Onion provides a helpful guide to understanding the basics of NFTs.

MOSCOW—Responding to allegations that the country interfered with the outcome of the U.S. presidential race last year, Russia confirmed that they only participated in the 2020 election after constantly hearing it was the most important election of our lifetimes. “You can only hear people exclaim that absolutely…Read more...

ATLANTA—In the hours following a violent rampage in Georgia in which a lone attacker killed eight individuals and injured one other, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This…Read more...

DENVER—Embarrassed by the momentary slip, local woman Allison Brezina told reporters Wednesday that she hoped her coworkers hadn’t caught her bashing her forehead into her keyboard. “It was just for a second, and I don’t think anyone saw, but still—ugh,” said Brezina, who cringed as she imagined the off chance a…Read more...

FALLS CHURCH, VA—Estimating that as many as tens of thousands of the animals were currently running rampant, a new report from the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service issued Wednesday found that more states were expanding their hunting seasons to combat the rising French bulldog population. “The French bulldog population…Read more...

BOCA RATON—Taking in the irrevocable loss that $4 billion in settlements had left, the Sackler family reportedly began to feel the full impact of the opioid epidemic Wednesday after seeing the spot on the tarmac where their private jet used to be. “It’s just not fair to have something so precious taken from us so…Read more...

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After getting his second dose of the Covid-19 vaccine, famed cellist Yo-Yo Ma entertained those still waiting in line at the vaccination site with a short impromptu concert. What do you think?Read more...

Given the many disgusting books, websites, and TV shows available in the United States, it should come as no surprise that governments abroad choose to keep them under lock and key. Here are several pieces of American media banned in other countries.

Gamers, if there’s anything we know about parenting, it’s that marriage is a team effort. That’s why we were so moved by the heartwarming story of a man who loved his wife so much that he brought his Xbox Series X to the delivery room so she could watch him play Assassin’s Creed Valhalla while in labor.

WASHINGTON—Speculating that the small rocky body had strayed from its home to follow a nearby planet’s gravitational pull, NASA announced Tuesday that they had found a scared asteroid wandering through space without its parents. “When we found this poor little guy in a dark corner of space, it was alone and clearly…Read more...

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New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees has announced his retirement after a 20-season NFL career that included the franchise’s only Super Bowl victory in 2006, less than a year after Hurricane Katrina devastated the city. What do you think?Read more...

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OXFORD, ENGLAND—Following their discovery of a simple grammatical mistake that had gone undetected by Christians until now, a consortium of biblical scholars announced Tuesday that the Latin Vulgate translation of the New Testament had completely distorted the story of Jesus crucifying the Romans. “A careful study of…Read more...

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One of the key members of the band, it was V who came up with the idea that they should all look really cute and be good at dancing.Read more...

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ELKTON, MD—Explaining that the hollow gestures of sympathy would certainly bring tears to his eyes, local widow Gina Hasapis told reporters Tuesday that she just wished her late husband could hear all the rote pleasantries that funeral attendees said about him. “Oh, if only my Martin could hear you pay forced, …Read more...

A new study shows the euphoric feeling runners get known as “runner’s high” is not due to endorphins but to the release of endocannabinoids, marijuana-like biochemicals that cause the floaty, blissful feelings in orgasms. What do you think?Read more...

MEMPHIS, TN—Citing the complications that a sexual relationship inevitably brings, officials at the Memphis Zoo confirmed Monday that giant pandas Ya Ya and Le Le had not mated because they were both worried about messing up their friendship. “While securing the future of their species is absolutely crucial, it could…Read more...

Clearly not a Hall of Fame-caliber player given that the Lions failed to drive him into early retirement at 30.Read more...

Beyoncé broke the record for most Grammy wins by a female artist after receiving her 28th award at the 63rd annual Grammys, while Taylor Swift became the first woman to win album of the year three times. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Several leading football analysts confirmed Wednesday that most NFL teams are just one or two ridiculously overpriced free agent signings away from a Super Bowl victory. “Giving out a bloated contract to an aging pass rusher or promising a ton of guaranteed money to a declining wide receiver with a history of…Read more...

TALLAHASSEE, FL—In an effort to overcome vaccine hesitancy and reduce spread of the coronavirus, Florida announced a new program Monday that aims to increase immunizations by scattering hundreds of thousands of loose hypodermic needles on beaches throughout the state. “In order to reach Floridians who have refused…Read more...

PORTLAND, OR—Frittering away his last possible chance at happiness and success, area man Graham Aniston told reporters Monday that “it’s good to practice some self care” while kicking back. “Sometimes, when you’re really burned out, the best thing you can do is take some time off and just relax,” said Aniston,…Read more...

Netflix is testing a new feature that prompts viewers to verify account ownership, leading to speculation over a future crackdown on the password sharing that’s practiced by one third of its 200 million subscribers. What do you think?Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Shaking his head as he rolled his bucket on stage and set up yellow “wet floor” signs, Grammy’s janitor Marko Pavlović let out a pained sigh Sunday after once again being called in to mop up a puddle of Megan Thee Stallion’s pussy juice. “Oh my god, not again—it’s like the second I’m finished cleaning up…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—In an emotional speech touching on all the factors behind their meteoric rise, global pop superstars BTS expressed their heartfelt thanks at Sunday night’s Grammy Awards for the deeply exploitative system that got them where they are today. “Everyone in the band just wants to give our heartfelt…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Hastily improvising a new set list just minutes before the live broadcast, Taylor Swift was forced to perform songs in the public domain at Sunday’s Grammy Awards after losing the rights to her albums again. “Most Swifties were expecting to see her perform ‘Cardigan,’ but Taylor decided to show her naughty…Read more...

SANTA MONICA, CA—Pointing out the often-overlooked feature of the awards, the Recording Academy reminded nominees Sunday that they can crank the little arm on the statue to hear Supertramp’s Breakfast In America. “While it’s certainly not the most exciting thing about winning a Grammy, the gilded gramophone playing…Read more...

President Biden signed into law the $1.9 trillion coronavirus economic relief package aimed at helping the country recover from the pandemic and includes up to $1,400 in direct payments to individuals. What do you think?Read more...

ORLANDO—Hailing the advanced imaging machinery as a breakthrough in law enforcement, officials held a press conference Friday to tout new technology that allows police to see what suspects would look like while riding the Rock ’N’ Roller Coaster. “This advanced tech will help officers collar perpetrators by giving…Read more...

OLYMPIA, WA—Revealing his identity as the winning bidder in the record-breaking Christie’s auction, local venture capitalist Ian Engel told reporters Friday that since spending $69.3 million on a collage by the digital artist known as Beeple, he had finally begun to understand what NFTs are. “Now that I’ve dipped my…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Reflecting on his experience during the pandemic, Senator Richard Burr told reporters Friday he couldn’t believe that it’s already been a year since he boosted his stock portfolio with classified coronavirus information. “Everything happened so fast—one minute I was sitting in what I thought would be a…Read more...

LAS VEGAS—Claiming that the flow of their chakras were responsible for both teams’ inaccuracy at the free-throw line, Bill Walton’s diatribe about negative energy fields during Friday’s PAC-12 tournament was still the most accurate thing any announcer or analyst had said all game. “You can just feel Oregon State…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Instilling hope that the end of the pandemic was in sight, President Joe Biden announced Thursday that Americans could expect to do what they did at Christmas by July 4. “If we do this together, there’s a good chance you’ll be able to treat yourself to a small gathering with family and friends, just like…Read more...

Readers, for decades you’ve come to OGN for the latest news and inside scoops about Nintendo. Unfortunately, today we received an indication that our reporting about the legendary console maker and developer may need to be put on hold. You see, our undercover source at the company disappeared last week, and we’ve…Read more...

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Local residents in the war-torn Afghan city were disappointed but not surprised Friday after a new U.S. shipment of humanitarian aid was reportedly just guns again. “We arrived here for the convoy early this morning hoping there’d be some clean water or food or something, but nope—just another large…Read more...

After passing Congress on partisan lines, a $1.9 trillion relief bill, the third of the coronavirus pandemic, was signed by President Joe Biden on Thursday. The Onion looks at what’s in the new relief bill.

WASHINGTON—In an effort to get the “blue-sky” brainstorming session off to a productive start, GOP strategist Chuck Harpster reportedly reminded a group of state legislators from around the country Friday that there were no bad ideas when it came to suppressing the Black vote. “Don’t worry about budgets or…Read more...

Alaska recently became the first state to expand eligibility for the coronavirus vaccine, making immunization available to anyone 16 years of age or older who lives or works in the state. What do you think?Read more...

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HASTINGS, NY—Pointing to the alarming picture as a sign that something was unmistakably amiss, sources confirmed Thursday that an image of Jack Skellington with a particularly wicked smile suggested that a local T-shirt wearer was not your typical Disney fan. “It’s clear from looking at the face of the Nightmare…Read more...