on (#5EJBT)
The family of Malcolm X have released a former police officer’s written deathbed confession that implicates the NYPD and FBI in the 1965 assassination of the Black nationalist leader. What do you think?Read more...
The Onion
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| Updated | 2025-11-19 08:31 |
on (#5EJ8W)
PERDITION—While admitting that the explanation was not technically true, 943-year-old spirit Brictric of Waddesdon confirmed Tuesday that he had found it simpler to just tell fellow denizens of the afterlife that he died in the Crusades despite actually catching typhus en route to the Siege of Antioch. “Sure, it isn’t…Read more...
on (#5EJ8X)
DULLES, VA—Bringing the couple’s stunning machinations that much closer to realization, Emma Coronel Aispuro—the former beauty queen and wife of notorious drug kingpin “El Chapo”—was arrested at Dulles International Airport this week, exactly as planned. “Today, we detained Miss Aispuro for her suspected role in…Read more...
on (#5EJBV)
CARRIZO SPRINGS, TX—In an effort to provide vulnerable youths with a structured, supervised environment, President Joe Biden unveiled a hip teen migrant detainment center Tuesday where kids could hang out and never leave. “We think migrant teenagers are going to love getting a chance to kick back and chillax in this…Read more...
on (#5EJ2W)
These cookies, made from sesame flour, sesame oil, and topped with sesame seeds, were made as a special fuck you to all the kids out there with a sesame allergy.Read more...
on (#5EHR0)
Wholesale electricity prices in Texas skyrocketed during last week’s severe winter storm, leaving some residents with bills upwards of $5,000 for just five days of energy use and at least one customer owing nearly $17,000. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5EGZX)
NEW ORLEANS—In a controversial call that quickly drew widespread criticism, NBA referee Josh Tiven reportedly ejected the shot clock at the New Orleans Pelicans game Sunday after it startled the official with its buzzer. “The Pelicans’ shot clock was clearly trying to disrupt the game with its rude, loud buzzing,…Read more...
on (#5EGQX)
PHILADELPHIA—Revealing that the presence of a weapon in the residence was directly linked to higher social standing among one’s adolescent peers, a new study released by the Annals Of Internal Medicine Monday found that keeping a gun in the home significantly increases the chance of your child becoming popular with…Read more...
on (#5EGQY)
WASHINGTON—Overcome with guilt and grief, Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV) announced Monday that he was reversing his stance on abolishing the filibuster following his son’s recent diagnosis with filibuster disease. “After witnessing the debilitating effects of the filibuster firsthand, I now realize how terribly wrong I was…Read more...
on (#5EGQZ)
Members of a San Francisco Bay Area school board resigned after a “hot mic” virtual meeting revealed them ridiculing parents, suggesting they wanted to get their “babysitters” back so they could smoke marijuana at home again. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5EGR0)
Organize your books by color with tawny on one end of the spectrum and mocha on the other to make a beautiful brown rainbow.Read more...
on (#5ED60)
STAMFORD, CT—In a sexual education course intended to broaden the children’s knowledge of the important issue, elementary school teacher Sandra Burns announced Friday that “the penis is the male reproductive organ” to a fifth-grade class that had already watched hundreds of hours of hardcore pornography. “When the…Read more...
on (#5ED5Z)
A series of winter storms battered much of the United States this week, setting records, disrupting daily life, and providing ominous glimpses of a climate-changed future. The Onion looks at some of the most eye-popping numbers from this week’s winter storms.
on (#5ED5Y)
ORLANDO, FL—Sobbing that it was supposed to be her special day at the newspaper comic–themed water park, 27-year-old bride Clarissa Manks told reporters Friday that her bridesmaid ruined the entire Universal Studios Toon Lagoon bachelorette party by hooking up with Dudley Do-Right. “We were supposed to go on the…Read more...
on (#5ECZS)
LAKEWOOD, OH—Following a custom born out of cooperation and respect, local drivers reportedly pulled over to the side of the road Friday to let a pizza delivery guy through. “Gee, I hope it’s nothing serious like a big, hungry party,” said 48-year-old Rosanna Tuttle, who was just one of the dozens of drivers who…Read more...
on (#5EC79)
SYDNEY—Citing potentially dangerous messages suggesting the “hoax country” might pass legislation forcing the tech giant to pay for the content its users share, Facebook took down all posts Thursday that spread misinformation about the fictional nation of “Australia” on the social networking platform. “We had to take…Read more...
on (#5EC2E)
AUGUSTA, ME—In an effort to protect residents from the negative effects of consuming raw or undercooked shellfish, officials in Maine issued a boil lobster advisory for the entire state Thursday. “To reduce the risk of foodborne illness and ensure Mainers are eating crustaceans prepared in the juiciest, most succulent…Read more...
on (#5EBX1)
DALLAS—Describing his memories of a nascent Slovenia, fresh off the heels of revolution, Mavericks star Luka Dončić shared a harrowing story Thursday about his homeland being torn apart by tyrannical referees. “We once had a beautiful country until the refs came and imposed their ways,” said Dončić, tearfully…Read more...
on (#5EBSB)
MINNEAPOLIS—Kicking back as it floated alone in 24 ounces of vinegar-based brine, a solitary dill pickle announced Thursday it was delighted to finally have the whole jar to itself. “Yeah, that’s it—soak it in!” the kosher spear said as it bobbed up and down in the brackish, pale green liquid, reportedly luxuriating…Read more...
Studio Ghibli Theme Park Opening Delayed After Construction Site Overrun With Curious Forest Sprites
on (#5EBSC)
NAGAKUTE CITY, JAPAN—Unable to prevent the small glowing forms from swarming around their equipment, developers announced Thursday that they had been forced to delay the planned opening of the Studio Ghibli theme park after curious forest sprites had overrun the construction site. “We need to raze this grove of trees…Read more...
on (#5EBNN)
CORONADO, CA—Lamenting the fact that he felt the need to hide beneath a wetsuit, an oxygen tank, and an aqualung life vest, onlookers told reporters Thursday that the Navy Seal they saw swimming in full tactical gear must have terrible body image issues. “It’s just so sad—this man is a perfectly fine-looking soldier,…Read more...
on (#5EBE2)
DEARBORN, MI—Saying the time was now to take decisive action on climate change, Ford CEO Jim Farley launched the company’s electric vehicle push Monday by having his buddy stand watch while he stole a battery from a parked Toyota Prius. “Bold plans like this will help ensure that Ford stays at the forefront of climate…Read more...
on (#5EBB1)
All right, that’s it, folks! After extensive conversation among the experts at the Onion Gamer’s Network Decision Desk, we are officially calling New Hampshire for gamers.
on (#5EAFQ)
PALM BEACH, FL—Explaining that it was a totally normal occurrence and they shouldn’t be alarmed, local doctor Philippa Anaios reportedly assured the Limbaugh family Wednesday that it was normal for their deceased relative body’s to still be ranting about welfare queens hours after his death. “While I know it’s…Read more...
on (#5EAFR)
BURBANK, CA—Struggling to hide its disappointment, the marketing algorithm that came up with Cruella was reportedly hurt Wednesday to see people mocking the trailer. “I analyzed millions of data points and poured over 2.3 seconds of processing power into this film, and this is what I get?” said the algorithm, which…Read more...
on (#5EA7D)
WEST PALM BEACH, FL—In a broadcast rife with factual errors and inconsistencies, Newsmax TV host Greg Kelly falsely claimed Wednesday that one person died and 20 people were born at the Capitol riots. “The mainstream media wants to paint what happened at the Capitol building as some kind of bloody insurrection, but…Read more...
on (#5EA7E)
GILBERT, AZ—Residents and employees were reportedly celebrating Wednesday after the completion of a coronavirus vaccination drive finally returned a local nursing home to regular levels of depressing. “It’s just a relief to get everyone vaccinated so we can go back to the incredibly bleak day to day of our joyless…Read more...
on (#5E9ZS)
MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA—Calling tournament organizers tone-deaf for their scheduling of the semifinal matchup, critics slammed the Australian Open Wednesday for pitting Serena Williams and Naomi Osaka against each other during Black History Month. “We expected tournament organizers to make efforts to lift up all Black…Read more...
on (#5E9W5)
LOS ANGELES—Shaken by the mysterious glimpse into his own looming mortality, LeBron James contemplated retirement Wednesday after catching a glimpse of his 80-year-old self in the backboard’s reflection. “Oh God, what was that? What will become of me?” said the visibly disturbed 36-year-old, who expressed dismay over…Read more...
on (#5E9W6)
Clubhouse, an invite-only audio app, has recently been the subject of both praise and scrutiny. The Onion takes a deep dive into the biggest questions surrounding the new app.
on (#5E8TY)
SARASOTA, FL—Suspiciously scanning their social media profiles and contacting agents to look for any signs of discontent, the Baltimore Orioles management was reportedly concerned Tuesday after multiple players showed up to the first day of spring training in way too good of shape for baseball. “What are they up to?…Read more...
on (#5E8NN)
HALLSVILLE, TX—As he aimed his Winchester rifle at the stack of three large snowballs in his front yard, Texas man Bob Brookson was overheard notifying a snowman Tuesday that it was trespassing on private property and needed to go back to wherever it had come from. “Now, listen here, boy, I don’t want no trouble, so…Read more...
on (#5E8JK)
LOS ANGELES—In a late-breaking development currently throwing the entire street into a tizzy, sources confirmed Tuesday that someone needs to stop that man. “ Police! Anybody—he’s getting away,” said witness Lisa Oh, noting that the horrid man was rapidly disappearing down the block and would soon be out of sight.…Read more...
on (#5E8JM)
XI’AN, CHINA—Characterizing the third-century B.C. collection as not a tomb but an artist’s personal scrap heap, a team of historians confirmed Tuesday that the famed Terra-Cotta Army was the result of a perfectionist sculptor fucking up a single soldier statue thousands of times in an attempt to get it right. “The…Read more...
on (#5E6SD)
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has been blocked from Instagram for repeatedly sharing false information about the coronavirus and its vaccine as well as spreading conspiracy theories about Bill Gates and the world food supply. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5E6SF)
VANCOUVER, WA—Unable to shake off an overall negative feeling he couldn’t attribute to anything in particular, local man Paul Carpenter confirmed Monday that something about the way society was exposed as a complete illusion over the past year was really getting him down today. “Maybe it’s just quarantine talking, but…Read more...
on (#5E6SJ)
BOSTON, MA—Eyes darting across the chat window as they strained to divide their attention between the speakers, Certech Consulting employees reportedly watched in horror during a Monday morning video meeting as two coworkers who began talking at the same time just kept powering through. “Oh God, it’s been too long for…Read more...