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Updated 2024-11-26 14:00
Judge Denies Manafort Request To Wear Suit In Court
A federal district court judge denied Paul Manafort’s request to wear a suit in court, saying he should wear prison garb just like any other defendant post-conviction. What do you think?Read more...
Lottery Ticket Holder Has Already Spent $900 Million In Anticipation Of Winning Big Prize
HINSDALE, IL—Saying the money was already burning a hole in his pocket, lottery ticket holder Frank Cantrell confirmed Thursday that he had preemptively spent $900 million in anticipation of winning the Mega Millions jackpot. “Maybe I got ahead of myself with the yacht and helicopter purchases, but after this weekend…Read more...
Yankee Candle Clarifies That Product Only Intended To Be Dripped On Balls
SOUTH DEERFIELD, MA—Offering sincere apologies to customers for the misunderstanding, Yankee Candle clarified Thursday that their product has only ever been intended to be dripped on testicles. “I guess we could have put some sort of instructions on the label, but we assumed everyone already knew they were for melting…Read more...
Embarrassed CDC Announces It Accidentally Switched Flu Shots With HIV
ATLANTA—Informing the more than 150 million Americans affected by the error that the mistake was “totally our bad,” embarrassed officials from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Thursday that they had accidentally switched all 2018 flu shots with samples of HIV. “Oh, god, we really and truly…Read more...
How To Charge Your Phone Faster
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Canada Starts Legal Marijuana Sales
Starting Wednesday, Canada became the highest-profile country to decriminalize cannabis possession and tax and regulate its sales, opening new markets and helping drive the push in other countries like the U.S. What do you think?Read more...
Spot Where Dog Vomit Cleaned Up Now Noticeably Cleaner Than Surrounding Floor
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Elizabeth Warren Releases DNA Test On Native American Ancestry
Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren released a DNA test that she says proves her claims of distant Native American heritage, although it has drawn scrutiny from Native groups and Republicans. What do you think?Read more...
All The Good Sentiments On ‘Get Well Soon’ Card Already Taken
NAPLES, FL—Noting that the sick colleague had been instructed to “take it easy” and “hang in there,” local brand manager Cassandra Reynolds confirmed Thursday that all of the good sentiments on a coworker’s “get well soon” card were already taken. “Shit, somebody is already sending him good vibes, too,” said Reynolds,…Read more...
Authorities Say Blacklight Analysis Shows Velvet Poster Of Mushroom Kingdom Looking Even Cooler Than Previously Imagined
CHICAGO—Telling reporters that the additional scrutiny had yielded promising results, authorities confirmed Wednesday that blacklight analysis showed that a velvet poster of a mushroom kingdom looked even cooler than previously imagined. “When placed under ultraviolet light, we quickly discovered that the frolicking…Read more...
The Onion’s Guide To Blockchain Technology
Blockchain technology forms the foundation for cryptocurrencies such as Bitcoin, Dogecoin, and Ethereum, but it can be difficult to understand how it actually works. The Onion answers common questions about blockchain technology.Read more...
Financial Experts Recommend Young Grifters Start Laying Groundwork For Long Con By 25
NEW YORK—Noting that it was becoming increasingly crucial for those in high-risk jobs to invest for retirement as early as possible, top financial experts concluded Wednesday that young grifters should begin laying the groundwork for a long con by age 25. “We strongly urge young grifters to put away 10 percent of…Read more...
Texas Rangers Asking Taxpayers To Cover 60% Of Bribes Related To New Stadium
ARLINGTON, TX—Admitting that the billions of dollars needed to grease the wheels required a joint effort, the Texas Rangers requested Wednesday that taxpayers cover roughly 60 percent of bribes related to the construction of their new stadium. “Between contractors, vendors, and local law enforcement, there’s a lot of…Read more...
Sears Files For Bankruptcy
Department store giant Sears Holdings will file for bankruptcy, marking a low point for the once-major force in retail. What do you think?Read more...
Dad Apparently Using Spanish Accent To Pronounce Middle Eastern Food Now
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Golden State Raises 2018, 2019, 2020 Championship Banners
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‘Roseanne’ Spinoff Showrunner Hopes Big Puddle Of Blood In Kitchen Enough To Explain Main Character’s Disappearance
LOS ANGELES—Discussing how narrative cohesion would be maintained in the new sitcom, the showrunner of the upcoming Roseanne spinoff told reporters Tuesday that he hoped the giant puddle of blood in the set’s kitchen would adequately explain the former main character’s absence. “Sure, we could have had one of the many…Read more...
‘The Conners’ Premieres Without Roseanne Barr
Roseanne spinoff The Conners premieres Tuesday night, featuring John Goodman, Laurie Metcalf, and the rest of the Conners family pressing on without Roseanne Barr, who was fired from the show earlier this year after posting racist comments on Twitter. What do you think?Read more...
This Angry Mob Is Never Going To Grow Until We’re More Welcoming To New Members
As I look out at the faces surrounding me here today, I am reminded of how much we’ve accomplished in such a short period of time. We’ve driven the creature from our village, chased it back to its moldering castle, and burned that castle to the ground, doing so with no more than a few dozen pugnacious townsfolk. This…Read more...
Tips For Giving A Great Wedding Toast
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Poll Finds U.S. Global Image Down, Especially Among Allies
For the second year straight, the world’s view of the U.S. has declined. For example, only 39 percent of Canadians now have a favorable view of the United States, down from 65 percent at the end of President Obama’s second term. What do you think?Read more...
Smiley Face Doodled On Check Commemorates Undeniable Chemistry Between Waiter, Ericson Family
ROCKFORD, IL—Saying that the jovial drawing will forever signify their bond of goodwill, local father Gary Ericson confirmed Tuesday that a smiley face doodled on their Buffalo Wild Wings meal check commemorates the undeniable chemistry between their waiter and the Ericson family. “Ever since Jason introduced himself…Read more...
Saudis Admit Journalist Khashoggi Died During Botched Assassination Attempt
RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—In a press conference ahead of a meeting with U.S. secretary of state Mike Pompeo, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman admitted Tuesday that journalist Jamal Khashoggi died during a botched assassination attempt. “We lured Mr. Khashoggi to our consulate in Turkey for what was supposed to be a…Read more...
Paul Allen To Leave $10,000 To Everyone Who Shares This Post
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ICE Agent Terrified After Becoming Separated From Team During Immigrant Raid
SIERRA VISTA, AZ—Looking around in a panic as he realized he had been left all alone, ICE agent Derek Borland was reportedly terrified Tuesday after becoming separated from his team during a raid on an immigrant community. “Where did everyone go? Guys, I’m really scared right now. Anyone? Bobby? Bobby, where are you?”…Read more...
University Suspends All Lightweights From Campus Following Fraternity Hazing Death
TUSCALOOSA, AL—In an effort to prevent further alcohol-related tragedy, University of Alabama administrators announced plans Tuesday to suspend all lightweights who can’t handle their shit following the hazing death of freshman Delta Kappa Epsilon pledge Matthew Young. “What happened to Matt this past weekend is…Read more...
Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 16, 2018
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Saudi Arabia Sends Assassins To Dismember Entire International Community In Effort To Stifle Dissent
NEW YORK CITY—Taking drastic measures to silence their critics, Saudi Arabia reportedly sent assassins to dismember the entire international community Monday as part of an effort to stifle dissent. “At the order of Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman, teams of assassination squads were dispatched to all corners of…Read more...
Jared Kushner Likely Avoided Income Tax For Years
A New York Times report suggests Jared Kushner likely paid little to nothing for millions of dollars in income between 2009 and 2016 by using legal loopholes. What do you think?Read more...
Meghan Markle Nervously Looking Over Clinic Pamphlets Weighing Her Options
LONDON—Visibly upset as she huddled into her chair and glanced around the Family Planning Association waiting room, a nervous Meghan Markle looked over several informational pamphlets Monday while weighing her options regarding her pregnancy. “I suppose I thought Harry and I would have some more time together as just…Read more...
Loser Woman Hasn’t Even Inspired One Bar Fight
DENVER, CO—Noting that the pathetic 30-year-old may as well have been invisible to the men around her, sources confirmed Monday that loser woman Kathleen Owens has never inspired even a single bar fight. “Strangely, the sight of Kathleen failed to motivate even a single guy to pick up a pool cue and smash it over the…Read more...
Cows Trample Dozens Of Lobsters To Death In Escalating Surf ’N’ Turf War
CAPE ELIZABETH, ME—In what is being described as the most ruthless act of bovine–crustacean violence in years, local authorities confirmed Monday that a charging herd of cattle had trampled 49 lobsters to death on the southern coast of Maine, marking a bloody escalation in their surf ’n’ turf war.Read more...
Timeline Of Human Activity In Antarctica
Antarctica, Earth’s southernmost continent, faces numerous threats from climate change, but many people don’t know very much about the isolated area. The Onion looks back at a history of exploration, scientific study, and human activity in Antarctica.Read more...
Grandma Amazed By How Fuckable Grandson Has Gotten Since She Saw Him Last
DUNCANVILLE, TX—Beckoning the boy to come closer so “Nana can feel those washboard abs,” local grandmother Shirley Paulson was reportedly amazed Monday by how fuckable her grandson has gotten since she last saw him. “My, Jackson, you are really growing into quite the grade-A slice of man meat! Ooh, I just want to…Read more...
Washington Supreme Court Strikes Down State’s Death Penalty
Washington’s Supreme Court ruled that the death penalty is unconstitutional due to its unequal application depending on race and extenuating circumstances, making it the 20th state to do away with capital punishment. What do you think?Read more...
Horrified Nurses Discover 40-Pound Baby After Accidentally Leaving It In Incubator Over Weekend
DENVER—Realizing with horror that they had forgotten to do a final sweep of the neonatal intensive care unit, nurses at Saint Joseph Hospital were reportedly mortified to discover a 40-pound baby Monday after accidentally leaving it in an incubator over the weekend. “Oh, God, it totally slipped my mind that we were…Read more...
The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 15, 2018
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All Hallow's Grieve
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Stephen Hawking’s Final Paper Revealed
Famed physicist Stephen Hawking’s final paper, titled “Black Hole Entropy And Soft Hair,” has been published, dealing with the question of what happens when objects fall into black holes. What do you think?Read more...
Bill And Hillary Clinton Announce Joint Tour
Bill and Hillary Clinton announced a joint tour this week to tour North America, allowing audiences to hear conversations with a couple that has “helped shape our world.” What do you think?Read more...
Sully Sullenberger Realizes It Too Late Now To Let Everyone Know Plane Did All That Stuff On Autopilot
SAN FRANCISCO—Admitting it would be rather awkward to come clean at this juncture now, retired American Airlines pilot Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger realized Friday that it was almost certainly too late to let everybody know that the Airbus A320 of flight 1549, which landed in the Hudson on Jan. 15, 2009 with no loss…Read more...
Mom Hates Bad Guy In Movie
PHILADELPHIA—Throughout the runtime of the two-hour movie, local mother of three Barbara Rosenstock, 62, took several opportunities Friday to declare her hatred for the bad guy. “Oh, he’s just being so mean to his girlfriend! That’s terrible. It’s just awful how he treats her!” said Rosenstock, gasping and shaking her…Read more...
Kanye West Jumps On Massage Table To Deliver Speech About Relaxation
LOS ANGELES—Insisting that a new age of unwinding was upon the world if they only paid attention, Kanye West jumped onto a massage table at Deluca Bodywork Friday to deliver a highly charged speech about relaxation. “We’re at this point in history where humans can’t relax—they’re on edge, they’re high-strung, and we…Read more...
This Bitter Couple Tells Us The Secret To A 3-Year, 5-Month, And 2-Week Marriage
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Panicked Falcons Discover Scratch In Mercedes Benz Stadium
ATLANTA, GA—Pacing and cursing as they searched in vain for a note, the entire Falcons roster reportedly panicked Friday after finding a massive scratch in Mercedes Benz Stadium. “Dammit, who did this? It’s halfway down the whole thing! Christ, this is going to cost a fortune to fix,” said a distressed Matt Ryan as he…Read more...
Should LeBron James Leave ‘Space Jam 2’ For A Movie With A Better Chance Of Winning An Oscar?
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Woman Always Gets Best Ideas While Taking Shower With Two Jacked Dudes
CHICAGO—Saying there’s just no better way to get the fresh thoughts percolating, local woman Isabelle Garner, 28, told reporters Friday that she gets all her best ideas while showering with two totally ripped hunks. “Whenever I’m feeling a little blocked, I hop in the shower with a couple of stunningly gorgeous…Read more...
Panicked Meteorologists Advise Entire Nation To Take Cover After Losing Track Of Hurricane Michael
SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning that the 350-mile-wide Category 4 cyclonic storm system could strike any region of the United States at any time, panicked meteorologists at the National Weather Service issued an official advisory Thursday for the entire country to take cover after admitting they’d lost track of Hurricane…Read more...
Tips For Relieving Back Pain
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Rick Scott Orders Hurricane Michael To Evacuate From Florida
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