The Onion

AKRON, OH—Wondering if it was possibly confusing the man for a different guy with a 10 mm nasal bridge and a right earlobe hanging 0.4 mm lower than his left, a Cognitec FaceVACS-VideoScan Unit #121 facial recognition camera expressed frustration Monday after focusing on a man it knew it had seen before and found…Read more...

With the fourth and final season of Attack on Titan confirmed for 2020, it’s time to celebrate with six incredible fan drawings of Eren Yeager that have nothing whatsoever to do with video games. Check them out below!

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Citing the environmental costs of air travel, Coldplay announced last Thursday that it would skip a world tour for their album Everyday Life in order to take time “to see how our tour can be actively beneficial.” What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK CITY—Dubbing the new head chef of Michelin-starred restaurant The Haymarket as “the new bad boy of fine dining,” luminaries across the world of cooking lauded Andre Castillo Monday for revolutionizing the culinary arts by using only fresh, high-quality ingredients in his dishes. “When he declared that from…Read more...

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BEAVERTON, OR—Claiming he wanted a sneaker that reflected his deepest passions, NBA star Kyrie Irving held a press conference Friday to debut his new Nike Kyrie 7 signature shoe, modeled after the RFID chips the government implants in the brains of every citizen who gets anesthetized. “I really wanted a design that…Read more...

Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu has been charged with bribery, fraud, and breach of trust in connection with three separate cases, threatening his precarious efforts to retain power against political rival Benny Gantz. What do you think?Read more...

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AUGUSTA, ME—Claiming that he should get one if his sibling did, local child Noah Weiss reportedly wondered Friday why his older brother was the only one to get a funeral. “How come Brendan gets a funeral, but I don’t?” said Weiss, explaining that it wasn’t fair that his older brother got a cool casket that he could…Read more...

Over the years, the gaming community has been wracked with debates and controversies about the over-sexualization of gaming characters. Of course, many revel in the dubious tradition of parading out characters with outrageous body proportions in scantily clad outfits, dismissing it as nothing but a bit of diverting…Read more...

A vegan sued Burger King in a suit alleging that the fast-food chain had contaminated its meatless “Impossible” Whoppers by cooking them on the same grills as its traditional meat burgers. What do you think?Read more...

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PHOENIX—Expressing frustration with the constant interruptions, veterinarian Dr. Kate Ludlow wished Friday that the overbearing owner of Bella the pug would let the dog answer one goddamn question. “Christ, I’m trying to get information from Bella about why she’s come in today and her owner keeps butting in before she…Read more...

As the nation heads into another winter season, the rise of extreme weather means people across the country will be watching out for snowstorms. The Onion takes a look at the worst snowstorms in U.S. history.Read more...

LOS ANGELES—After years of building a massive and devoted following through her bestselling book and subsequent Netflix series, a smiling, knife-wielding Marie Kondo has ordered her fans to leave behind their cluttered physical forms, reports confirmed Friday. “My beloved friends, you have completed the tasks I have…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Justifying the expenditure as necessary to preserve the only bastion of democracy in the Middle East, both houses of Congress voted unanimously Thursday to extend $3 billion in emergency military aid to Benjamin Netanyahu to defend himself against the Israeli justice system. “Today, we act decisively in…Read more...

Affirming a central claim of the House Democrat impeachment effort, Republican megadonor and U.S. ambassador Gordon Sondland testified that he acted under President Trump’s direction and with White House official knowledge to pressure Ukraine into investigating his political rival. What do you think?Read more...

When we first heard Valve CEO Gabe Newell had an announcement about the Half-Life series planned for this week, we (and presumably every gamer with a pulse) were excited to finally see a continuation of this legendary series. So, it’s a huge disappointment to report that instead of sharing a release date for the…Read more...

DAYTON, OH—Voluntarily surrendering the remarkable talent that gave her profound insight into the true nature of existence, the only person with the ability to see the world for what it actually is has started taking antidepressants, sources confirmed Thursday. Like a divine seer who blinds herself rather than face…Read more...

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BURBANK, CA—Responding at last to rumors surrounding the beloved animated character, Frozen 2 co-directors Chris Buck and Jennifer Lee confirmed Thursday that Elsa is gay but also a trans-exclusionary radical feminist. “We’re excited to finally share with fans that Queen Elsa is indeed Disney’s first lesbian princess…Read more...

Ten Democratic hopefuls took the stage in Atlanta Wednesday night to compete for voter support as the four front-runners—former Vice President Joe Biden, South Bend mayor Pete Buttigieg, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) and Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT)—look for a burst of momentum to propel them ahead of their rivals.…Read more...

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Two prison guards have been charged for falsifying records and failing in their duty to check on Jeffrey Epstein every 30 minutes on the night of his death. What do you think?Read more...

It’s been an agonizing wait for Shenmue fans awaiting the continuation of Yu Suzuki’s revolutionary Dreamcast classic. But thanks to thousands of Kickstarter backers, we’re finally getting the sequel we deserve, and it looks like Ys Net is rolling out all the stops to promote it with an awesome tie-in: Thousands of…Read more...

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CINCINNATI—Promising the Alabama Crimson Tide quarterback that nothing would stop them from drafting him, the Bengals assured injury-prone Tua Tagovailoa Wednesday that he could have any of Andy Dalton’s organs. “We consider Tua to be an elite prospect, but if he has any concerns about the NFL next year, he needs to…Read more...

Fast-food chain Chick-fil-A announced that it will end donations to organizations with an anti-LGBTQ mission, such as the Salvation Army and the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, although advocacy groups stress that more transparency will be needed before confirming this change has taken place. What do you think?Read more...

SEDALIA, MO—Condemning the processed poultry giant’s blatant disregard for well-established food safety practices, inspectors from the office of the Pettis County Health Board rated Tyson’s Sedalia Center processing plant this week at a borderline ‘D’ upon discovering vast amounts of raw chicken contaminating nearly…Read more...

SOUTH KINGSTOWN, RI—Hoping the financial incentive will help classify that thing circling around in the sky, ornithologists at the University of Rhode Island were awarded a $10 million grant this week to research whether that big bird way up there is a hawk. “It was pretty far away when we first saw it, but it looked…Read more...

Kanye West announced Nebuchadnezzar, an opera about the titular Biblical figure, will premiere at the Hollywood Bowl on November 24, adding to the rapper and producer’s foray into Judeo-Christian themes on the heels of his gospel-inspired work Jesus is King. What do you think?Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Stressing that it was by no means an ideal solution to the issue, a report released Tuesday by researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology concluded that an inability to keep track of all the nation’s mass shootings still counts as denying shooters the attention they crave. “With the sheer…Read more...

GAINESVILLE, FL—Shedding new light on the life of the celebrated author, literary historians from the University of Florida announced Tuesday that they had discovered evidence that Ernest Hemingway’s father had bulk purchased 70,000 copies of The Sun Also Rises to get his son on the bestseller list. “These findings…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Describing the new piece of equipment as indispensable to the agency’s successful reduction of backlogged cases, the FBI reported Tuesday it had solved 80% more crimes since investing in a great big magnifying glass. “Not since the implementation of DNA profiling in the 1980s have we equipped our…Read more...

Ahead of a possible presidential run, former Mayor Michael Bloomberg apologized for his stop-and-frisk policy, admitting that it increased racial disparities in stops without any demonstrable effects on preventing crime. What do you think?Read more...

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NEW YORK—Forecasting that the bond trading industry would soon experience “long-overdue yield corrections,” an article published in The Wall Street Journal Tuesday with the headline “Reflationary Boom Incapable of Helping U.S. Bond Market Recovery” is, in fact, a detailed account of how your entire savings will soon…Read more...

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Demonstrating a dramatic ability to surge in support in the crucial election state, Mayor Pete Buttigieg took a commanding 10% lead over rivals Senators Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders and former Vice President Joe Biden, who are tied in a dead heat at 15%. What do you think?Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Noting that the measure could prevent flora from being caught off guard in their later years, biologists at Harvard University issued a recommendation Monday that trees put aside a little phosphorous for any unexpected emergencies. “You never know when the environment is going to throw you a curveball,…Read more...

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GAINESVILLE, FL—Urging women to always have a safety plan, experts recommended Monday shouting ‘Free donuts’ instead of ‘Rape’ to receive help more quickly during an assault. “People are generally afraid to involve themselves in a physical attack, so if you’re being assaulted, screaming that you’re giving away…Read more...

A Chinese Communist Youth League channel has launched on the adult video website PornHub featuring internet users criticizing pro-democracy demonstration in Hong Kong after more mainstream outlets banned the propaganda videos. What do you think?Read more...

PASADENA, TX—Frantically scanning the rug below her web, a panicked local spider confirmed Monday that she had completely lost track of a human she had noticed scurrying across the floor. “Oh, God. Where is that thing? I looked away for one second and it disappeared,” said the spider, searching along the baseboards…Read more...

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