The Onion

NEW YORK—Cautioning against making any rash investment decisions before the entire fabric of society falls apart and anarchy reigns supreme, financial experts recommended Wednesday to hold off on buying or selling and wait until chaos is the law of the land. “While you may be tempted to dive into the stock market now,…Read more...

Former Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton attacked Bernie Sanders in a recent interview with The Hollywood Reporter discussing a forthcoming Hulu documentary about her life, calling the senator a “career politician” and saying “nobody likes him.” What do you think?Read more...

MONTREAL—Shocking the internet with their offer to allow one fortunate adolescent the once-in-a-lifetime chance to look at adult material online, pornographic website PornHub announced a contest Wednesday which would allow one winning under-18 entrant to view its content. “We are proud to offer one lucky minor the…Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Reminiscing over how much time had passed since His days as a younger deity, God, Our Heavenly Father, expressed His nostalgia and delight Wednesday after stumbling on the old, beat-up planet He carved ‘Mötley Crüe’ all over. “Holy shit, I haven’t seen this in decades!” exclaimed the Lord, noting that He…Read more...

NEW YORK—Shaking his head in disbelief at what passes for art these days, museum visitor Francis Bach was reportedly heard muttering “Well, I could do that” to himself while viewing a Metropolitan Museum of Art security guard on his lunch break. “This doesn’t really seem all that impressive,” said the 46-year-old,…Read more...

In the 50 years since its first passenger flight, the Boeing 747 became the most dominant and recognizable craft for commercial air travel. The Onion looks back on the most significant moments in the Boeing 747’s history on its 50-year anniversary.Read more...

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Teenage climate activist Greta Thunberg addressed leaders on the climate crisis on the opening day of the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, bringing attention to the issue at a conference that will be dominated with reconciling business with carbon emissions. What do you think?Read more...

DAVOS, SWITZERLAND—Expressing surprise that tech luminaries like Sheryl Sandberg and Sundar Pichai weren’t focusing their talks more on internet privacy, first-time Davos attendee Emmanuel Issacson told reporters Monday he couldn’t believe how many seminars at the World Economic Forum’s annual conference were about…Read more...

In a break from their tradition of choosing one candidate, the New York Times endorsed Amy Klobuchar and Elizabeth Warren for the 2020 Democratic primary, saying the two senators represented a moderate and progressive vision for the party that voters would have to choose from to pit against President Trump. What do you…Read more...

ROCKFORD, IL—Casually rattling off details about her personal life and professional history, household sources confirmed Tuesday that area dad Shawn Garcia seems to know quite a bit about local television meteorologist Susanne Lepucki. “He keeps going on about how she wore that same red blouse last week, and I swear…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Explaining that your name is now permanently on multiple databases run by the federal law enforcement branch, a new report issued Tuesday confirmed that, well, you’ve done it: By having clicked on this link, you have been added to several FBI watchlists. Despite the fact that you could have easily scrolled…Read more...

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TORONTO—Explaining that he hated to think of all the physician’s efforts going unrewarded, Canadian citizen Ryan Munley stated Tuesday that he wished there was some way he could pay his medical doctor for all his hard work. “Dr. Leva really went above and beyond for me, and I wish there were some method of exchange,…Read more...

Calling all Katamari Damacy fans—you’re going to love this! If you were into this Namco classic, you’ll definitely be excited to hear Keita Takahashi’s off-the-wall classic pretty much came to life moments ago when a drunk driver ran over a bike messenger who got tangled in the bumper and is still being dragged by the…Read more...

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Education: Top Finnish-language program in world

HARTFORD, CT—Stressing how important it was to keep her worries in perspective, television character Greta Worthington told reporters Monday that amidst all her present hardships, she still knew everything she was going through would one day be nothing more than a small part of a “previously on” clip. “Sure, right now…Read more...

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Attention all arcade fans! Here’s an opportunity that’s just too good to miss out on: This 4-year-old girl wandered really far away from the playground, your car’s right there, and her parents would definitely cough up enough for a Marvel three-in-one arcade machine to get her back.Read more...

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Series producer Barbara Broccoli stressed that James Bond will never be cast as a woman under her watch, saying “he can be of any color, but he is male,” and adding that “I believe we should be creating new characters for women—strong female characters.” What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES, CA—Explaining how the in-flight entertainment console didn’t feature any other installments of the crime thriller television series, local man Lucas Grant told reporters Monday that it was unclear what kind of licensing deal led to a single Season 4 episode of The Blacklist being available for viewing on…Read more...

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LAS VEGAS—Explaining how constantly throwing bar stools strengthens several different muscle groups, mixed martial artist Conor McGregor credited his excellent pre-fight shape Saturday to a rigorous workout routine of hurling heavy objects in public spaces. “I’ve never been one for the gym—I need to be out there…Read more...

Grindr, OkCupid, and Tinder are among several dating apps accused of sending user data such as ethnicity, location, gender, and age to digital ad companies, nonprofit Norwegian Consumer Council found in a report released on Tuesday. What do you think?Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Voicing frustration with a strategy that had inexplicably failed to pay off, local man Cole Peterson admitted to reporters Friday that he assumed being a heartless, egotistical maniac would have made him richer by now. “I really thought being a cutthroat asshole at work and selling out all my friends and…Read more...

Chief Justice John Roberts swore in all one hundred senators for President Trump’s impeachment trial Thursday, requiring them to swear to do “impartial justice” in the third such proceedings in American history. What do you think?Read more...

Super Smash Bros. is one of the most beloved series in video game history, and while the latest iteration for Switch has gotten great reviews, there are some fans who think it will never live up to the classic. Enter Charlie Alexanian, a really impressive Smash purist who only plays the original SNES or NES game each…Read more...

The U.S. Census, which is conducted every 10 years, will be conducted in 2020, and the process of documenting American citizens is not without its share of historical issues and controversies. The Onion takes a look at important moments in the history of the U.S. census.Read more...

INDIANAPOLIS—Laying down a harsh ruling that is sure to resonate in future cases, the NCAA determined Friday that Joe Burrow joining the Cincinnati Bengals will be more than enough punishment for his infraction of accepting a cash payment from Odell Beckham Jr. “We want to do everything we can to discourage college…Read more...

CINCINNATI—Calling it the “fastest and most effective way” to find a lost or misplaced sanitary product, the makers of Tampax announced Friday the release of a new app called Find My Tampon, which is intended for use when one gets lodged way the hell up in there. “In the event a Tampax user is faced with an emergency…Read more...

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Climate data collected by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration and NASA found that last year was the second-hottest year on record, continuing a worrying trend that has resulted in the planet warming 1.8 degrees Fahrenheit (or almost 1 degree Celsius) in the past 50 years. What do you think?Read more...

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Nearly half of U.S. adults will be obese by 2030 and one-fourth will be severely so, according to a new study by the JPF Foundation based on a decades-long federal study. What do you think?Read more...

ST. PETERSBURG, RUSSIA—Explaining that he’s been advertising the girl for months now without getting so much as a nibble from prospective buyers, local human trafficker Cheslav Prokopyev told reporters Thursday that he just hasn’t been able to get any traction on this one. “Man, I’m really starting to worry Natalia…Read more...

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WILMER, TX—Fretting over what such a display of weakness would do to his reputation, local man Neil Rockfield told sources Thursday he was afraid of seeming vulnerable if he reached out to the fire department for help with an out-of-control blaze. “I always learned growing up that a real man puts out his own house…Read more...

After a 228-to-193 vote in favor of proceeding, the House of Representatives will send two articles of impeachment against President Trump to the Senate despite concerns about Senate Leader Mitch McConnell’s impartiality and refusal to call witnesses to testify in the trial. What do you think?Read more...

Featuring the field’s first all-white debate stage and the potential for escalating conflict between candidates, viewers tuned into the seventh and final Democratic debate before caucus voting begins in Iowa. What do you think?Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Following a three-decade-long, multimillion-dollar study to evaluate the progressive rock group’s music, a team of scientists at Harvard University announced Wednesday that they were no closer to determining if the British band Yes is good or not. “While deep sonic analysis reveals technically…Read more...

HONG KONG—Watching with growing discomfort as the 75-year-old groaned and winced in pain, college student Gordon Cheng expressed concern Wednesday during a visit home upon realizing that his grandfather was able to land only a single flying crane backflip kick while fighting off a group of intruders. “It’s sad that…Read more...

Midtown skyscraper where people go to snap a memorable photo or trudge into yet another day of soulless, mind-numbing work.Read more...

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Saying she respects the couple’s hopes to “live a more independent life as a family,” Queen Elizabeth II announced she will allow Prince Harry and Meghan Markle to transition to end their reliance on public funds and split their time between the United Kingdom and Canada. What do you think?Read more...

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