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The Onion

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Updated 2025-12-20 20:04
Manifesto Calls On Fellow White Americans To Rise Up And Maintain Status Quo
CLIVE, IA—Urging those who shared his racial background to do what they must to hold power and subjugate people of other races, a manifesto published online Friday by white supremacist Melvin Thornbill called on his fellow Americans to rise up and maintain the status quo. “My fellow white Americans, we can reign over…Read more...
NFLPA Warns Holdouts They Need To Consider The Risk That They’ll End Up Having To Sign With Jets
WASHINGTON—Reminding players that failing to report to training camp was a high-risk move with no guarantee of success, the National Football League Players Association released a statement Friday warning holdouts that they might end up having to sign with the New York Jets. “We understand you want a better contract,…Read more...
Opioid Deaths Declining
Provisional government data suggests deaths in the U.S. caused by the opioid epidemic may finally be declining after a 30-year increase. What do you think?Read more...
Victoria’s Secret Accused Of Promoting Unattainable Beauty Standards With New 3-Cup Bra
NEW YORK—Panning the new line of intimates as “overtly harmful to women’s self-esteem,” critics unanimously accused lingerie brand Victoria’s Secret of promoting unattainable beauty standards Friday with the release of their new 3-cup bra. “Women will see the Triple Sexy Body By Victoria and think they are somehow 33%…Read more...
Timeline Of Capital Punishment In The U.S.
The recent reinstatement of the federal death penalty by the U.S. Justice Department has brought scrutiny back to the practice of capital punishment. The Onion looks back at the history of capital punishment in the United States.Read more...
Poll Finds 84% Say Americans Angrier Than Generation Ago
A majority of Americans believe the country is angrier than before, with 42% saying they were angrier now than this time last year, although 91% of respondents individuals were more likely to air their frustrations over social media than in person. What do you think?Read more...
New Amazon Service Lets Customers Boost Shipping Speed With Easy One-Click Charge To Whip Delivery Person
SEATTLE—Celebrating the motivational effort as a major leap forward in worker-flagellation technology, Amazon introduced an easy single-click feature Thursday for customers who want to boost shipping speeds by whipping a delivery person. “We’re excited to announce that our Same-Day Deliveries will now ship even faster…Read more...
Child Concerned Parents Might Never Amount To Anything
SAN DIEGO—Expressing worries about their seeming lack of motivation and ambition, local child James Lipstein, 12, told reporters Thursday that he was increasingly concerned that his parents might never end up amounting to much of anything. “I’ll always love them, of course, but I’m starting to think that if they don’t…Read more...
Francis Ford Coppola Spends Afternoon Hawking Samples Of Coppola Winery Cabernet To Indifferent Grocery Store Shoppers
SONOMA COUNTY, CA—Touting the quality and value of his extensive line of fine wines, filmmaker Francis Ford Coppola spent Thursday afternoon hawking Coppola Winery Cabernet samples to generally indifferent shoppers at his local Ralphs supermarket. “I told this nice young couple about the high-quality grapes we…Read more...
FBI Opens Domestic Terrorism Investigation Into Gilroy, Dayton Shootings
The FBI will open a domestic terrorism investigation into the individuals responsible for the Gilroy and Dayton shootings after finding suggestions that the suspects were exploring several “competing” violent ideologies that may have influenced them. What do you think?Read more...
Badass Pilot Slides Across Hood Of Plane Before Diving Through Window Into Cockpit Seat
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How To Procrastinate Productively
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Stroller Recalled After Manufacturer Discovers Branding Not Visible Enough
PHILADELPHIA—Claiming the products should never have left the factory floor with such blatant defects, infant-mobility giant Graco issued a recall of several stroller models Thursday after discovering that the company’s branding was not visible enough. “We apologize to anyone who recently purchased one of our…Read more...
House Republicans Face Exodus
With seven of their colleagues from a wide range of districts announcing their exit from the House of Representatives, Republicans are facing a reckoning that could allow Democrats to make further inroads in 2020. What do you think?Read more...
Tucker Carlson Insists Every White Supremacist In America Could Fit In Stadium But That Tickets To TuckerCon Won’t Last
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‘Things Will Never Be As Good In Real Life As They Are On TV,’ Sighs Man Watching Sated Cartoon Character Pull Entire Fish Skeleton Out Of Mouth
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R. Kelly Fan Trying To Separate Image Of Beloved ’90s Abuser From Reviled ’10s Abuser
MIAMI—After the singer was charged this week with two new counts of engaging in prostitution with a minor, local music fan Daniel Allen admitted Wednesday it has been hard squaring his image of R. Kelly as a beloved abuser from the 1990s with the reality of him being a reviled abuser in the 2010s. “In my head, he’s…Read more...
‘Shark Tank’ Turns 10
The reality show Shark Tank, which follows would-be entrepreneurs pitching ideas to a team of investor judges, debuted on August 9, 2009, and in its 10 years on the air has generated its share of memorable stories and controversies. The Onion looks back at Shark Tank on its 10-year anniversary.Read more...
Perfectionist Jon Gruden Forces ‘Hard Knocks’ To Film 78th Take Of Scene Where He Cuts Rookie
NAPA, CA—Determined to ensure the editing team “had enough coverage to work with,” perfectionist head coach Jon Gruden forced the ‘Hard Knocks’ production crew Wednesday to film 78 takes of a scene where he cuts a rookie running back. “I really liked how your face looked in that first take when I rattled off your…Read more...
Pakistani-American Thrilled To See More People Who Could Feasibly Pass For His Nationality On Screen
HOUSTON—As he praised the growing representation in popular culture of people who at least superficially resemble him, local Pakistani-American Zabir Jalbani told reporters Wednesday he has been thrilled to see more characters on television and in movies who could feasibly pass for his nationality. “It’s really…Read more...
Painting Hanging In Thrift Store Must Be Founder Of The Salvation Army
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Lawmaker Proposes Bill To Curb Social Media Addiction
Senator Josh Hawley (R-MO) introduced a bill on Tuesday that would ban “addictive” social media features such as infinite scrolling effect and autoplay while introducing a 30 minute limit on such websites. What do you think?Read more...
iPhone Paranoid Owner Knows It Working With FBI
FRAMINGHAM, MA—Becoming increasingly concerned that the man was on the verge of discovering its secret, a local iPhone was reportedly growing paranoid Wednesday that its owner knew it was working with the FBI. “Oh shit, oh shit—there’s just no way he hasn’t figured out I’m sending everything he types and says directly…Read more...
Nintendo Never Should Have Pandered To Women And Created A Female Mario
Nintendo has made some missteps over the years, whether it was the disappointing Wii U or basically every Star Fox game from the past 20 years. Through it all, I’ve remained a steadfast fan, eagerly awaiting every game release, console, and major announcements. But there is one atrocity I can never forgive. Nintendo…Read more...
Being Eaten Alive By Shark Not Nearly As Terrifying As Man Had Imagined
NANTUCKET, MA—Admitting that his expectations about a shark attack turned out to be pretty far off-base, vacationing swimmer Drew Roberts remarked Wednesday that being eaten alive by a 12-foot great white was not nearly as frightening as he once believed it would be. “This is something that’s always paralyzed me with…Read more...
8Chan, Popular Message Board For Mass Shooters, Goes Dark
8Chan, a message board that has served as a popular resource for right-wing extremists and shooters, has abruptly gone dark after being directly linked to the El Paso shooting that left 20 dead and dozens more wounded. What do you think?Read more...
‘New York Times’ Amends Recent ‘Hero Trump Disarms Would-Be Shooter’ Headline
NEW YORK—Following backlash from journalists, politicians, and the public, The New York Times announced Tuesday that it had amended a headline from the morning’s front page reading “Hero Trump Disarms Would-Be Shooter.” “The original headline did not live up to our standards of objectivity at The New York Times and…Read more...
Sable & Rosenfeld Launches Ad Campaign Rebranding Their Cocktail Onions As Gamer Fuel
Put down those Doritos and dump that Monster Energy down the drain! Sable & Rosenfeld just launched a new ad campaign rebranding their cocktail onions as the ultimate gamer fuel.Read more...
5 Things To Know About Lyme Disease
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Casket To Be Closed Except For Mourners Who Want Peek At Something Really Crazy
PITTSBURGH—In an effort to respect the wishes of the deceased’s friends and family, funeral home director Don Chaffe confirmed Tuesday that Gary Meyer’s remembrance service would feature a closed casket except for those mourners who want a peek at something really crazy. “At such times of loss as this, it’s important…Read more...
Pervert At Pool Whistling At People In Swimsuits All Day
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Consumer Report Indicates Slushies Lose 35% of Their Value Within First Year Of Purchase
DALLAS—Citing adverse factors such as rapid melting rates and poor syrup congealment, a consumer report published Tuesday revealed that the average slushy on the market today loses more than a third of its value within 12 months of initial purchase. “New slushies tend to depreciate quickly, with exposure to the sun or…Read more...
Medical Procedure Could Delay Menopause By 20 Years
A medical procedure that could help women delay menopause for up to 20 years has been launched in Britain, potentially preventing serious health problems such as heart conditions and bone-weakening osteoporosis. What do you think?Read more...
Study Finds Average Squirrel Lives Through Human Equivalent Of 7 Action Films Every Day
FORT COLLINS, CO—Revealing new insights into the animals’ high-risk lifestyle, a study released Monday by zoologists at Colorado State University found that the average squirrel lives through the human equivalent of seven action films every day. “Before you’ve even sat down for lunch, a normal squirrel has already…Read more...
Data Dump
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Report: There No Way To Suggest Girlfriend Look For Keys In Purse Again Without Sounding Condescending
NEW YORK—Despite early evidence indicating that she may have not searched her bag as thoroughly as she believes, a new report released Tuesday revealed that there’s no way to suggest that your girlfriend look for her keys in her purse again without sounding like a condescending prick. “No matter how confident you…Read more...
Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 6, 2019
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Impossible Burger Approved To Be Sold In Stores
After receiving regulatory approval from the FDA, the plant-based Impossible Burger has been approved to be sold in supermarkets nationwide, offering an option for environmentally conscious consumers looking for a burger substitute. What do you think?Read more...
Thomas Jefferson: ‘The Tree Of Liberty Must Be Refreshed From Time To Time With The Blood Of Patriots And Tyrants And Kindergarteners And Newlyweds And High-Schoolers And Parents And Teachers An
On the subject of our still fledgling nation, one point in particular stands out, which I present for want of understanding America’s purpose: The British crown continues to repeat its lies about our being unable to govern ourselves, and yet we have over these past years of self-government seen relative peace.…Read more...
Music Historians Uncover Evidence Of 18th-Century Viennese Boy Band Mozart Fronted Before Leaving To Pursue Solo Career
SALZBURG, AUSTRIA—In a discovery certain to renew interest in the beloved composer’s legacy, music historians said Monday they have found evidence that before leaving to pursue his solo career, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart fronted an ultra-popular Viennese boy band.Read more...
Vase Of Flowers On Kitchen Table Probably Memorial For Person Who Died There
KENT, OH—In what has been described as a solemn yet moving commemoration, sources reported Monday that a flower arrangement placed on a kitchen table in a local home was likely a memorial to a person who had died there under tragic circumstances. “It’s so sad to see. Makes you wonder what happened here,” said Jake…Read more...
Trust In Science Growing, Poll Finds
A Pew poll found that 86% of Americans say they have a fair or great deal amount of trust in science, a result up from 76% in 2016 and far higher than trust placed in politicians, journalists, or clergy. What do you think?Read more...
The History Of ‘The Madden Curse’: The Mysterious Trend Of Cover Art Athletes Who Slowly Transform Into John Madden
Even if you consider yourself a skeptic, it’s hard not to get a little freaked out when you hear about the legend surrounding the Madden NFL series. Fans call it “The Madden Curse,” the mysterious trend where athletes who appear on the cover of Madden NFL slowly transform into John Madden. Coincidence or not? Let’s…Read more...
Woman Knows Smiling Husband Not Really Flirting With Her But It’s Fun To Pretend
TEMPE—Indulging herself with a few moments of impossibly romantic fantasy, local woman Lori Danforth admitted Monday that despite knowing her husband’s socialized smile is not an example of him actually flirting with her it was still enjoyable to pretend that this was in fact the case. “I sometimes like to spend a few…Read more...
Fossil Records Indicate Early Humans Hunted 25-Foot Giant Paramecium And Other Mega-Protista To Extinction
SPOKANE, WA—Confirming long-held suspicions about the diminutive size of modern-day bacteria, paleontologists at Gonzaga University engaged in an intensive study of the fossil record announced Friday that they had found overwhelming evidence supporting the theory that early humans hunted the 25-foot paramecium and…Read more...
Man Told He’d Never Make It As Pro Defies Them All By Sucking For 4 Years In AA Ball
HARTFORD, CT—Dedicating his next ground out to all the people who tried to keep him down, minor leaguer Adam Brosseau confirmed Monday that he had defied everyone who said he’d never make it as a professional baseball player by sucking for four years in Double-A. “They said I’d never make it back in high school, but…Read more...
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
DAYTON, OH—In the hours following a violent rampage in Ohio in which a lone attacker killed 10 individuals and injured 27 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Sunday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a…Read more...
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
EL PASO, TX—In the hours following a violent rampage in Texas in which a lone attacker killed 20 individuals and injured 26 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Sunday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was…Read more...
Obama Reportedly Unfazed By Criticism From 2020 Candidates
A source close to President Obama said that he has taken criticism from 2020 candidates in stride, noting that he believes “his legacy is going to be fine, that there’s a staying power to it and the things under attack by this president are high water marks for the country.” What do you think?Read more...
‘Madden NFL 20’ Debuts Three New Romanceable Kickers
Madden NFL 20 drops today and it looks like there is exciting news connected to one of the most popular aspects of the long-running football video game franchise. According to the game’s creators, EA Sports has added three new romanceable kickers to the game’s career mode!Read more...
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