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Updated 2025-12-20 21:48
India’s Chandrayaan-2 Mission Heading To Moon
Following a successful launch of the Chandrayaan-2 rover mission to the moon, India is on track to become the fourth country to complete a controlled lunar landing. What do you think?Read more...
‘Space Jam 2’ Taps Mahershala Ali To Play LeBron James
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Sun Setting Over Tropical Beach Kind Of Beautiful In Its Own Way
MAUI COUNTY, HI—Expressing surprise at the unexpected realization, sources confirmed Thursday that the sun setting over a tropical beach was actually kind of beautiful in its own way. “It might not have a traditionally attractive aesthetic, but if you look at just the right angle, there’s something sort of pretty…Read more...
Catholic Church Not About To Be Out-Molested By Goddamn Boy Scouts
VATICAN CITY—Telling the youth organization that if they come for the king they best not miss, the Catholic Church announced Thursday that it was not about to be out-molested by the goddamn Boy Scouts. “If some pissant organization like the Scouts thinks they can beat us at the molestation game, then they have another…Read more...
Boris Johnson To Be Next U.K. Prime Minister
Boris Johnson, the brash populist leader, is set to be the United Kingdom’s next prime minister after a vote among Tory membership, putting him in place to navigate a potential hard departure from the E.U. after years of promising Brexit’s benefits. What do you think?Read more...
Insecure Infant Worried He Unworthy Of Animatronic Toy Rabbit’s Love
CLIFTON, NJ— Confessing he feels a pang of guilt every time the bunny says “You’re my best friend!,” infant Justin Weber confirmed Thursday he worries constantly about being unworthy of the deep and evidently unconditional love shown to him by Hopsy, his animatronic toy rabbit. “Any day now, Hopsy will see the real…Read more...
Bar Band To Pay Dearly For Slipping In Original Song
PHILADELPHIA—Grossly underestimating the patience of their audience, rock-and-blues band Flashback Depot was going to pay dearly Thursday for attempting to perform an original song during their hour-long set. “Some people say we sound a little like the E Street Band, but we’ll let you be the judge of that,” said…Read more...
Thousands Of Polar Bears Washing Up On Nation’s Beaches
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New ‘Call Of Duty’ Explores Horrifying Reality Of Life As USO Magician
Since its debut back in 2003, Call Of Duty has received widespread acclaim for its increasingly ambitious portrayals of the battlefield experience. In fact, in recent years the series has felt more and more like playing through a blockbuster action movie. But in an interview yesterday, the game’s creators confirmed…Read more...
Mueller Testifies Before Congress
In a hotly anticipated testimony that may shed further light on the president’s conduct, former Special Counsel Robert Mueller will speak before two Democratic-led House panels about his report on Russia interference and Trump’s potential obstruction of justice. What do you think?Read more...
Tim Duncan Maps Out Spurs’ Genealogy After Being Hired As Team Archivist
SAN ANTONIO—Returning to the organization in an official capacity for the first time since his 2016 retirement, former NBA star Tim Duncan was reportedly embarking on a large-scale project Wednesday mapping out the San Antonio Spurs’ genealogy after being hired as the team archivist. “We’re thrilled to have Tim back…Read more...
Man Doesn’t Understand Why People Wasting Time Attacking Him For Running Over Their Dog When Trump The Real Enemy
BUFFALO, NY—Expressing dismay that the supposedly well-informed electorate was more concerned with tracking down his bloodstained Ford Escape than impeaching a corrupt commander in chief, motorist Mark Dolan said Wednesday that he fails to see why he should be relentlessly attacked for running over a single pit bull…Read more...
LeBron James Reveals School He Founded Has Seen Huge Gains In English, Math, And Dunk Testing
AKRON, OH—Expressing pride that the curriculum he helped put in place was already bearing fruit in critical areas of study, LeBron James revealed Wednesday that students at his I Promise elementary school have seen huge gains in English, math, and dunk testing. “I’m truly humbled to be making a difference in my…Read more...
Nemesis Has Wikipedia Page
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Congratulations! You’ve Read Enough OGN Articles In A Row To Earn A 1-Up!
Brace yourself for some awesome news, gamers, because according to a quick read of your OGN XP points, you’ve just read enough articles to earn a 1-Up.Read more...
Real Estate Agents Trying To Gentrify Run-Down Earth By Renaming It West Saturn
ORION ARM—Emphasizing the short billion-mile trip from the ringed planet’s metro center to the historic and oft-overlooked locale, the solar system’s real estate agents have begun trying to attract home buyers to the neglected, run-down planet of Earth by renaming it “West Saturn.” “It’s obviously not the quietest or…Read more...
Pros And Cons Of Meal Kit Delivery Services
The fast-growing meal kit delivery industry is projected to be an $8 billion market by 2025, but critics warn that its unintended consequences can outweigh the benefits. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of meal kit delivery services.Read more...
Grandmother’s Passing Helps Emotionally Prepare Child For When Pet Hamster Dies
NAPERVILLE, IL—Observing the importance of teaching children that death is a natural and inevitable part of life, family sources told reporters Wednesday that the passing of grandmother Helen Abernathe, 84, provided her beloved grandchild Emma, 7, with the emotional strength necessary to cope with the eventual death…Read more...
Hundreds Of Thousands Protest Against Governor In Puerto Rico
Puerto Ricans filled the streets for a massive planned protest against Ricardo Rosselló, 40, a Democrat whose leaked messages insulted women and gay people, made light of those who died from Hurricane Maria, and revealed potential crimes by his administration. What do you think?Read more...
ESPN Impressed By Mark Sanchez’s Ability To Point Out Football Field
BRISTOL, CT—Noting that the former USC quarterback’s grasp of the game and its nuances was immediately obvious, ESPN executives were impressed Tuesday by Mark Sanchez’s ability to point out the football field. “The second we brought Mark in, we just knew he was the one. He could watch a play and locate the 50-yard…Read more...
Iran Arrests 17 People Allegedly Spying For CIA
In an escalation of feuds between the two nations, Iran’s government claims it has dismantled a CIA network by arresting 17 individuals for spying for America, a claim the U.S. categorically denies. What do you think?Read more...
Tom Hanks Recalls Arriving On ‘A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood’ Set At Dawn For Grueling 6-Hour Cardigan-Application Process
LOS ANGELES—Saying the process called for incredible patience, Tom Hanks, who stars as Fred Rogers in the forthcoming A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood, recalled Tuesday having to arrive on the set of the film before dawn each day for a grueling, six-hour cardigan application process. “I was always at the trailer by…Read more...
Small Town Ravished By Alejandro
CAPE CHARLES, VA—Warning it might take years for the small coastal community to recover from the devastating encounter, authorities in Cape Charles, VA confirmed Tuesday their town had been completely ravished by Alejandro.Read more...
Woman Spirals Into Vortex Of Self-Doubt After Trader Joe’s Cashier Does Not Compliment Any Of Her Selected Items
WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA—Questioning every decision that led her to the crucial moment, shopper Lisa Kolman spiraled into a churning vortex of crippling self-doubt Tuesday after the cashier at her local Trader Joe’s failed to compliment or even comment on any of the items she had purchased. “The woman at the register next…Read more...
Foreign Candy Has Unrecognizable Fruit On Label
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5 Things To Know About ‘Once Upon A Time In Hollywood’
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Cop Hired For Posting Racist Rant On Social Media
PHOENIX—In response to comments they described as “disgusting,” “cruel,” and “a perfect fit for our organization,” Phoenix law enforcement officials confirmed Tuesday local man Rod Cleighborn had been hired as a cop for posting a racist rant on social media. “Our newly hired officer made comments on Facebook that…Read more...
Chuck Schumer Announces Support For Reparations Bill
Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer announced that he will support a bill to establish a commission to study reparations for slavery, adding a significant voice to the discussion surrounding the issue. What do you think?Read more...
Report: PlayStation 5 Has Already Been Out In Japan For, Like, 20 Years
Can’t wait to get your hands on the PlayStation 5? Then prepare to get jealous, because the cutting-edge video game console has apparently already been out in Japan for 20 years!Read more...
Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 23, 2019
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July On Track To Be Hottest Month Ever
According to preliminary estimates by NASA and other climate monitoring agencies, this July is likely to have been the hottest month ever, with 2019 likely to be one of the top five hottest years on record. What do you think?Read more...
Laptop Camera Wishes It Could Tell Woman How Good She Looks When She Doesn’t Know She’s Being Watched
JUNEAU, AK—Observing that she seemed to possess a truly effortless beauty, the laptop camera of local woman Isabel Vasquez reportedly longed to let her know her Monday just how amazing she looks when she doesn’t realize she’s being watched. “Oh! If only there were some way to tell her she’s absolutely stunning as she…Read more...
Report: Average American Must Have Life Ruined By Natural Disaster Every 6 Minutes To Fear Climate Change
EUGENE, OR—Outlining what a shift in public consciousness regarding global ecocatastrophe might require, a study published by researchers at the University of Oregon Monday found the average American must have their life destroyed by a natural disaster every six minutes in order to finally fear climate change.…Read more...
Deal Alert: There Is A Free Copy Of ‘Super Star Wars’ Our Mom Is Going To Throw Out After She Found It In The Basement
If you’re a Star Wars devotee, you’re not going to want to miss out on this! Our mom just found an old copy of Super Star Wars while reorganizing the storage room in the basement, and for a limited time, it is completely free while it sits in the trash bag in the hallway. Who doesn’t love a freebie, right? All you…Read more...
House Votes To Raise Federal Minimum Wage To $15
In a largely symbolic victory for the left, the House of Representatives voted to raise the hourly minimum wage to $15 per hour, although the bill is almost guaranteed to die in the Republican-controlled Senate. What do you think?Read more...
Nation’s Dorky Little Nerds Announce They Have Nosebleed
WASHINGTON—Tilting their heads back, breathing in thick gurgling gasps and flailing their arms about while stumbling for the nearest trash can, dorky little nerds across the country announced Monday that they, in fact, have a nosebleed. “Oh my, oh no. Please, someone? Get a tissue?” mewled millions of dweebish…Read more...
Trump Says He Disagrees With ‘Send Her Back’ Chants
President Trump told reporters that he disagreed with “send her back” chants directed at Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) at a recent campaign rally, and claimed that he attempted to cut off the chants despite this being contradicted by video from the rally. What do you think?Read more...
Trump Picks Little Eugene Scalia—You Know, Antonin’s Boy—To Lead Labor Department
WASHINGTON—Receiving a Cabinet-level appointment that surely would have made his old man proud, little Eugene Scalia—you know, Antonin’s boy—has been selected by President Trump to serve as the nation’s new labor secretary, sources confirmed Thursday. “I always knew little Geney from down the block was destined for…Read more...
Weather Channel Correspondent Paddling Boat Through Melted Sidewalk To Show Off Extent Of Heat Wave
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New Study Finds Nipples Evolved To Stop Mammals From Squirting Continuous Streams Of Milk From Chests
MALIBU, CA—In a discovery that may vastly increase understanding of the vestigial growths, researchers at Pepperdine University published a study Friday concluding that nipples evolved in order to stop mammals from voiding continuous streams of milk from their chests. “According to our findings, mammals steadily…Read more...
Real Buzz Aldrin Spends 50th Straight Year On Moon Trying To Signal Earth To Warn Of Imposter
VALLIS ALPES, THE MOON—Yelling and waving his arms frantically in the hope that someone out there was paying attention, the real Buzz Aldrin was reportedly spending his 50th year in a row on the moon Friday trying to warn Earth of the imposter who had taken his place. “Come on, I’m right here, dammit,” shouted the…Read more...
Pube-Riddled Razor Laid To Rest Following Long Battle With Bikini Line
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‘Now I Understand How Nazi Germany Happened,’ Says Astonished Man Finally Playing ‘Wolfenstein 3D’
TRENTON, NJ—Shaking his head in dismay as he realized how quickly the slide into authoritarianism might occur, astonished man Dennis Burton told reporters Friday that he finally understood how Nazi Germany could happen after playing Wolfenstein 3D. “I always told myself that this was the sort of thing that could never…Read more...
Mark Sanford Considering Running Primary Attempt Against Trump
Republican Mark Sanford announced that he will spend the next month mulling whether to run a campaign for president in 2020, saying Trump’s rhetoric is a distraction from policies that should emphasize fiscal responsibility. What do you think?Read more...
Simon, Garfunkel Pose Perfectly Still In Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Exhibit To Avoid Security Guard Catching Them Living In Museum
CLEVELAND—Recreating the iconic pose depicted on their 1970 album Bridge Over Troubled Water, Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel stood utterly motionless in a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame exhibit Friday to avoid detection by a security guard on the brink of catching them living in the museum. “That’s weird—I could have sworn…Read more...
How Different Colors Affect Your Brain And Body
Psychological research has found that specific colors can have significant effects on the ways a person’s brain and body function. The Onion takes a deep dive into how different colors can affect your mood, actions, and more.Read more...
Sweating, Beet-Red Child Descends From Treehouse Assuring Everyone It Not Too Hot To Play Up There
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‘Game Of Thrones’ Receives Record-Breaking 32 Nominations
Game of Thrones led the pack for the 71st Emmy Awards with a historic 32 nominations, topping competitors including Better Call Saul and Killing Eve. What do you think?Read more...
5 Things To Know About ‘The Lion King’
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Pizza Crust Saved To Make Pizza Stock
ALLENTOWN, PA—In preparation for a traditional family recipe passed down by her grandparents, local woman Nicole Fitzsimmons sealed several leftover pizza crusts in a plastic container Thursday with an eye to making pizza stock from them later this week. “Most people just throw out their ‘pizza bones,’ but there’s a…Read more...
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