The Onion

ROCKFORD, IL—Unclenching his fists as blood spilled from fingernail lacerations on his palms, area man Dan Collins reportedly calmed from a violent rage Tuesday after he noticed a misaddressed letter also included “or current resident” as the intended recipient. “Oh, thank God,” said Collins, panting as a pulsing vein…Read more...

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OMAHA, NE—Warning that the single-celled gamete they were looking at could be a little feisty, fertility clinic employee Mark Ipser reportedly asked a couple Tuesday if they would like to play with a sperm out back and get to know it better. “This guy is adorable, but it’s impossible to know how he’ll act around you…Read more...

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CAPE CANAVERAL—Expressing excitement about the collaborative mission with the European Space Agency, NASA officials announced Monday the successful launch of a really nice Nikon DSLR camera strapped to a rocket to gather photos of the sun. “Thus far, we’ve been limited in our ability to take images of the sun, but…Read more...

Gordon Sondland was recalled from his post as ambassador to the European Union and Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman was fired from his job on the National Security Council on Friday as President Trump sought retribution for their testimony in the House impeachment inquiry. What do you think?Read more...

Last night’s Academy Awards were marred by what might be the Oscars’ worst gaffe in years. Hear how a leaky pipe in the Dolby Theater almost shut down the ceremony for good, and about the superintendent who stepped in to make it all much worse.Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a concerning development regarding the potentially deadly epidemic, health officials warned Monday that it was impossible to tell if American cruise ship passengers had contracted coronavirus or if they were just like that. “After extensive observation, we are still unable to determine if the passengers…Read more...

In an awards season dominated by discussion of homogeneity among the slate of nominees and the producers’ choice to forgo a host, Bong Joon-ho’s Parasite triumphed over fellow contenders at the 92nd Academy Awards and became the first foreign-language film to ever win Best Picture. What do you think?Read more...

STERLING, CO—Unable to make any major decisions lest he ruin his sad little life, local man Bill Cross remained crippled by fear of failure Monday as if it hadn’t already happened. “I’m scared I’m gonna choose the wrong career path or marry the wrong woman and totally regret it later,” said Cross, remaining concerned…Read more...

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ANN ARBOR, MI—In what researchers are calling a significant cultural shift in the way young people are forging new social bonds, a new University of Michigan study revealed Monday that modern dating apps have become the single most effective way for individuals to determine that everyone in their age group was now…Read more...

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AUGUSTA, GA—Tightening her grip on the steering wheel as she approached the notorious intersection, local mom Helen Schumacher was reportedly still seething Monday over a car that blew through a stop sign 15 years ago. “It was so inconsiderate—they clearly saw me,” said Schumacher, who furrowed her brow and shook her…Read more...

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ATLANTA—Urging parents to learn about the dangers lurking in the enchanted forest, a new study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found Monday that the leading cause of childhood obesity was malevolent witches fattening up children with an intention to eat them. “Our findings show that more and more…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Eschewing traditional topics such as thanking colleagues or speaking out about political issues, Brad Pitt delivered a baffling Oscars acceptance speech for Best Supporting Actor Sunday explaining that you’re allowed to be naked sometimes, but not other times. “Sometimes you have no choice but to wear…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Flushed with embarrassment after surveying her peers on the red carpet, a jeans-wearing, sweatshirt-clad Charlize Theron nervously admitted Sunday that she wished someone had told her the Academy Awards were supposed to be a formal event. “Ah, geez. Everyone’s dressed to the nines, and I look like a…Read more...

Researchers found a rapid decline in bumblebees linked to climate changes, driving the insects to be half as likely to be found in North America as they were in 1901. What do you think?Read more...

ST. LOUIS—Claiming it was simply biding its time before it wreaks total havoc on the 55-year-old’s brain, a Parkinson’s gene confirmed Friday that it was waiting to switch on until the moment when everything in local man Lee Madbury’s life has at long last fallen into place. “Once he’s happily remarried, saved enough…Read more...

Onlookers were stunned in Lansing, MI after witnessing a rebellious young man who had the audacity to dye his hair blue.Read more...

Notable Roles: Convincingly portraying a loving partner to Colin Jost

Ponzi-scheme mastermind Bernie Madoff is seeking a compassionate release for his renal failure from a 150-year prison sentence for charges that he stole roughly $20 billion from celebrities, charities, financial funds, and average investors. What do you think?Read more...

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Career High: Being handsome and successful continuously throughout his entire life

INDIAN OCEAN—Expressing frustration over a lack of communication from their commanding officer, a movie expedition team, the Specters, was annoyed Friday that they were only getting briefed on their mission right before parachuting into enemy territory. “Christ, we barely spoke on this 14-hour plane ride, and now…Read more...

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BASTROP, TX—Bursting into the amphibian’s native woodlands with their sleeves rolled up and bludgeons in hand, a group of EPA thugs violently beat and endangered a Houston Toad Friday after the 2-year-old male failed to pay them protection money. “Look, you know the deal—either you cough up the dough, or tomorrow…Read more...

Hail and well met, fans of diversions and leisure! Take heed, for we have a most tantalizing proposition on this fortuitous day.Read more...

Synopsis: A married couple goes through a bitter acting contest

In a pair of party-line votes that capped off five months of investigation and testimony, President Trump became the third commander-in-chief acquitted in American history, although Senator Mitt Romney’s dissenting vote to convict denied him a purely partisan acquittal. What do you think?Read more...

Filmmaking Style: Heavily employs pastiche drawing from classic films such as Ernest Goes To School, Ernest Goes To Jail, and Ernest Goes To Camp

The vice president is under major scrutiny after a White House whistleblower leaked thousands of Mike Pence’s prayers asking God for political favors.

WASHINGTON—With the closing of the great national rift and the receding of that dark menace which threatened to tear the land asunder, the body politic has healed, and the time has come for all citizens to rejoice, a new report confirmed Thursday. According to civic observers, the long-awaited hour has finally…Read more...

Following a turbulent roll-out of results and a call for recanvassing by DNC Chair Tom Perez, Pete Buttigieg and Bernie Sanders remain virtually tied in the Iowa caucuses with 97% of precincts reporting, although the former South Bend mayor retains a slight lead in delegate count. What do you think?Read more...

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Explaining that his body simply couldn’t handle the sheer quantity of years he had put into his system, local authorities confirmed Thursday that Hollywood legend Kirk Douglas died in his home of an apparent age overdose at 103. “While Mr. Douglas’s life may have seemed glamorous to his fans, behind…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Noting the fat paychecks he’d received for his work on Broadway and in Hollywood, Hamilton star Lin-Manuel Miranda announced Thursday that “You people are giving me too much fucking money.” “Holy hell, I wrote one musical about a founding father, and you goddamn lunatics are throwing millions of dollars at me…Read more...

There’s nothing like triumphing over a nigh-unbeatable boss, and no amount of screaming or controller throwing can convince us otherwise. But a few boss battles rise above the pack as truly unforgettable gaming experiences. Here is OGN’s definitive list of the the hardest boss battles of all time.Read more...

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President Trump delivered his third State of the Union amidst a likely Senate acquittal of his impeachment trial and the beginning of the Democratic primary season in Iowa. What do you think?Read more...

Many within the company are claiming that Tampax CEO Edward Brooks does not know what a period is. Does he know what a period is?Read more...

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As technical difficulties continue to delay official results well into the second day, Bernie Sanders and Pete Buttigieg wait to see who will emerge victorious in the 2020 Iowa caucus, an achievement that could reshape the presidential race as well as garner additional media coverage and fundraising for the…Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Expressing feelings of embarrassment that he didn’t stop and think before calling out the roster’s total lack of effort, Ben Simmons retracted his criticism of the 76ers Wednesday after remembering that he plays for the team. “I feel like an idiot, I would’ve never called the team ‘soft’ if I’d realized…Read more...

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