Test your knowledge of one of the highest-grossing singer-songwriters of all time by passing this quiz on Taylor Swift.Read more...

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U.S. military officials found the crash site of an F-35 jet that went missing after a mishap" caused its pilot to eject from the stealth aircraft, prompting the base to post on social media and ask anyone with information to call in. What do you think?Read more...

Less than half of Americans get flu shots every year, believing that they're not necessary or can cause side effects that make them not worth it. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of getting a flu shot.Read more...

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BOCA RATON, FL-Claiming that owning the weapon would teach him about responsibility, local 8-year-old Dylan Ellis made an adorable presentation to his parents Tuesday about why he needed a gun to kill his classmates. Mom, Dad, as you can see, I do all my chores and I get good grades, so I more than deserve to have my...Read more...

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NEW YORK-Stressing that the memory seemed so fresh and vivid in their minds, the confused nation announced Monday that they could have sworn British entertainer Russell Brand was already a convicted sex offender. Interesting...so Russell Brand definitely wasn't already found guilty of sexual assault back in,...Read more...

WASHINGTON-In the first full-scale successful citizen swap of its kind, the White House confirmed Monday that it had exchanged every person in America for the entire population of Iran. I'm proud to announce that we have transferred 335 million Americans to Iran," said Biden, who called the swap a monumental" first...Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA-Admitting that he was taking a huge gamble by pursuing his passion over more traditional routes, recent Harvard University graduate Philippe Durand told reporters Monday that he was risking it all for his love of consulting. Working at McKinsey & Company might raise some eyebrows among my family come...Read more...

President Joe Biden's son Hunter Biden has been indicted by special counsel David Weiss on felony gun charges, with two counts related to false statements in purchasing the firearm and a third count on illegally obtaining a firearm while addicted to drugs. What do you think?Read more...

SUGAR LAND, TX-Confused by the man outside who was not wearing a UPS uniform or carrying a package of any kind, local suburbanites expressed bafflement Thursday when they looked out their front windows and saw a person walk by who wasn't delivering anything. Huh, our Amazon orders already came today, so what's this...Read more...

TERRE HAUTE, IN-Screaming incoherently about transgender girls in sports and the need to teach children cursive so they can learn to read the Constitution, some group called Dads for America is currently trying to run over your kid's teacher with a car, sources confirmed Thursday. The group of local fathers, who...Read more...

BOCA CHICA, TX-Denying reports that the specimens had all died excruciating and painful deaths, Elon Musk told reporters this week that the women he had impregnated over the years had all been terminally ill. While many claim these test subjects suffered or were mistreated, the truth is they were already destined to...Read more...

Thousands of Christians have flocked to a small Missouri town to see the exhumed body of a nun who has barely decomposed since she died in 2019, with some claiming her incorrupt' body signals sainthood. What do you think?Read more...

House Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) called for a formal impeachment inquiry into President Joe Biden for corruption related to his alleged role in his son Hunter's overseas business dealings. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of impeaching the president.

Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) has announced that she will seek a 20th congressional term in her district in San Francisco. The Onion asked Americans what they thought about the 83-year-old running for reelection, and this is what they said.Read more...

Over 600,000 gallons of red wine rushed through the streets of Sao Lourenco do Bairro, Portugal, after two tanks at a nearby hilltop distillery broke open and sent the alcohol rushing through the town streets below. What do you think?Read more...

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Americans all across the country are always busting their asses for shit pay and no goddamn benefits. The Onion examines the worst job in every state.Read more...

CANTON, OH-Still holding out hope and not wishing to disturb the many memories the space held for them, local parents Gil and Madelyn Hurcomb confirmed Wednesday that it comforted them to keep their missing daughter's cage exactly how she left it when she escaped three years ago. If our precious Lizzie ever returns,...Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO-Advertising a large selection of ripped, stained clothes that were all over 15 years old, a new Stitch Fix subscription service introduced this week sends customers the same ancient, dumpy T-shirt that their wives hate. With Stitch Fix's new line for schlubs, our style experts will send customers old...Read more...

Elon Musk has denied reports that his brain-implant startup Neuralink killed monkeys during research experiments, claiming instead that tests were only done on terminal" primates. What do you think?Read more...

DALLAS-Saying that every team deserved access to effective and affordable players, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban announced Wednesday the launch of a company to help NBA owners save millions on generic free agents. The price of free agents has skyrocketed in recent years, leaving many NBA franchises unable to...Read more...

CUPERTINO, CA-In a stunning conclusion to the highly anticipated keynote address, Apple announced Tuesday that the new iPhone 15 will include 12 animal sounds and a colorful lever. The next sea change in personal electronics has arrived, and it goes moo," said CEO Tim Cook, explaining to a crowd of cheering fans that...Read more...

DAVENPORT, IA-Perplexed by the toddler's affection for the nonagenarian, sources confirmed Tuesday that local 2-year-old Ava Kerper was getting awfully attached to her 90-year-old grandmother. She knows the average life expectancy is like, 77, right?" said the sources, who scoffed while watching the child...Read more...

Walmart has made adjustments to its pay scale, lowering the starting hourly wages for some jobs such as shelf stockers and those who pack online orders. What do you think?Read more...

A Goodwill employee in Arizona called the police after finding a withered skull in a donation box, though a medical examiner confirmed the skull was historic" and thus does not appear linked to any crime. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES-In a heartfelt letter addressed to the judge overseeing his former That '70s Show co-star's trial, actor Topher Grace came out Monday in support of giving Danny Masterson the electric chair. While I'm aware Danny is facing a prison sentence of 30 years to life, based on his character, he should be...Read more...

WASHINGTON-Shedding light on the enduring appeal behind assault rifle ownership, a Pew study released Monday revealed that more Americans were buying AR-15s to defend themselves from toddlers who found their guns. Many Americans stressed that they felt safer knowing they had an AR-15 at the ready in case their...Read more...

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WASHINGTON-Cracking down on the common but unethical practice seemingly rampant in department stores, the Federal Trade Commission began issuing fines this week for any sassy retail employee who held up a customer's declined credit card and cut it in half. A lot of these snobbish retail employees seem to derive a...Read more...

WASHINGTON-Trying to dislodge the saliva-covered documents without tearing them on the senator's teeth, Senate aide Austin Shear reportedly pulled several wet pages out of Dianne Feinstein's mouth Friday. No, Dianne, that's very bad-drop it!" said Shear, who stuck his fingers between Feinstein's lips and used the...Read more...

WASHINGTON-Devoting a new exhibit to the ballistic device famously associated with the iconic abolitionist, the Smithsonian's National Museum of American History announced Friday that it had just acquired the giant catapult that Harriet Tubman used to launch slaves to freedom. We at the Smithsonian are honored to...Read more...

WOODSTOCK, ME-Inviting the guest to detail the explosive revelations on his Tucker On X program, former Fox News host Tucker Carlson interviewed a man who claimed this week that he and Barack Obama were the gay couple from Modern Family. Barack and I were married on network television for 11 seasons and had a...Read more...

The annual desert campout Burning Man made headlines over the weekend after heavy rains temporarily stranded more than 70,000 attendees. The Onion takes a deep dive into the history of Burning Man and this weekend's fiasco.

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With the 2023 NFL season kicking off this week, Onion Sports has in-depth analysis of every team in the NFC.Read more...

JACKSON, MS-Concluding that the lightless, indestructible structure did not breach the state's constitution, the Mississippi Supreme Court issued a 7-2 decision Thursday upholding a congressional map that sealed Black voters into an impenetrable cube. This court's judgement finds that there is no state or federal...Read more...

NEW YORK-As sports bettors eagerly awaited the NFL season to kick off Thursday, a new FanDuel promotion reportedly offers a complimentary $100 bet to first-time gambling hotline callers. This weekend only, we're encouraging NFL fans to use FanDuel by depositing $100 into the account of anyone who is calling a hotline...Read more...

PEARSALL, TX-Explaining that it was hard not to feel inferior given their job responsibilities, ICE agent Marcus Snell admitted to reporters Thursday that he was jealous of his police officer friend who gets to kill actual Americans. Contributing to the deaths of Central American refugees is fun and all, but Jerry...Read more...

A neurosurgeon discovered a live, 3.5-inch-long roundworm, a parasite usually found in snakes, inside the brain of a 64-year-old Australian woman who sought help after experiencing worsening symptoms of forgetfulness and depression. What do you think?Read more...

Former biotech executive Vivek Ramaswamy has recently been placing third in polls for the 2024 Republican presidential nomination. The Onion tells you what you need to know about Vivek Ramawsamy.

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MYKONOS, GREECE-Describing it as a truly awe-inspiring sight of natural beauty, tourists told reporters Wednesday about the incredible refugee-watching tour they recently enjoyed during their trip to the Mediterranean. At first, the guide said we might not be able to see any refugees because they're a bit skittish...Read more...

A new European study found that 90% of so-called eco-friendly paper and bamboo straws contain forever chemicals," compounds that don't break down and can accumulate in our bodies, leading to health problems. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON-In an effort to reach Americans affected by growing income inequality and the soaring cost of food, the U.S. Army launched a new ad campaign this week that touts the military as a great alternative to starving on the streets. Food, sustenance, grub, chow-whatever you call it, we have it, and you need it...Read more...

After a number of high profile individuals claimed that transgender youth are too immature to make such a decision about their identity, The Onion asked parents to explain why gender-affirming care for kids is just a fad, and this is what they said.Read more...

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