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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-21 16:30 |
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on (#6CW6M)
With their recently announced plan to participate in an exhibition cage match, the relationship between billionaire tech moguls Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk has grown more adversarial with each passing day. Here are some of the harshest insults they've flung at each other.Read more...
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on (#6CVSS)
PHOENIX-With temperatures in the southern United States skyrocketing as high as 120 degrees Fahrenheit, safety experts on Monday advised Americans living in areas where excessive heat warnings had been issued to immediately seek privilege. When the heat index is dangerously high, the most important thing you can do...Read more...
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on (#6CVQ0)
SAN RAMON, CA-Asked on a quarterly earnings call about the oil company's long-term prospects, Chevron executives on Monday reportedly promised shareholders they would double temperatures. Over the next decade, we believe we can drive temperatures up by as much as 80 to 90 degrees," CEO Mike Wirth told dozens of...Read more...
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on (#6CVST)
WASHINGTON-In a surprise move with the potential to upend the 2024 presidential race, Joe Biden refused Monday to rule out a third-party run. It's clear that the politics in Washington are broken, which is why I can't exclude the possibility of a third-party run," said Biden, explaining that in a functioning...Read more...
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on (#6CVKJ)
WASHINGTON-According to the results of a new poll released by the Pew Research Center on Monday, a majority of Americans believe that Larry Nassar is still having too good of a time in prison. We found that 87% of Americans were extremely concerned' about reports that Nassar was stabbed in prison, with 83%...Read more...
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on (#6CVGE)
CHICAGO-Saying it had satisfied initiatives to increase equity and intersectionality in its hiring practices, local firm Griffin-Reynolds Analytics reportedly told its employees Monday that the company had reached its diversity quota with the addition of a female AI. We recognize the value of a workplace that...Read more...
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on (#6CVAN)
Moms for Liberty is a highly influential, highly controversial Republican-affiliated organization that fights to ban vaccine mandates, critical race theory, and gay rights from schools. The Onion outlines everything you need to know about Moms for Liberty.Read more...
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on (#6CV86)
A new government study found that drinking water from nearly half of U.S. faucets likely contains forever chemicals" that may cause cancer and other health problems, so-called because the substances remain in the human body for years and don't degrade in the environment What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CSA1)
FRAMINGHAM, MA-Touting the product as a fun and easy way to upgrade one's household decor, discount retailer HomeGoods announced Thursday that its more than 900 U.S. locations would begin selling a branding iron that can be used to permanently burn the word family" into human flesh. This unique new product lets you...Read more...
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on (#6CSA3)
CLEVELAND-A loss of electrical power following a severe storm in the metropolitan area reportedly forced local father Allen Hardy to chug all the milk in the fridge Friday while the rest of the family watched. According to sources, the 48-year-old father was seen standing in front of the fridge holding the two...Read more...
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on (#6CRT5)
The Secret Service confirmed that testing showed an unidentified white substance found in the White House during a routine search is cocaine, with the investigation into how it got there still ongoing. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CQXK)
President Joe Biden's plan to forgive up to $20,000 of some Americans' student loans has inspired widespread political debate. The Onion fact-checks claims about Biden's plan and student loan debt in general.Read more...
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on (#6CQXN)
NEW YORK-Leaving spectators and competitors absolutely stunned by his vigor, former President Jimmy Carter reportedly won the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest on Tuesday. Those dogs were sliding down his throat faster than we could even count them," said event promoter and host George Shea, who awarded the...Read more...
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on (#6CQXP)
BURBANK, CA-Announcing that its upcoming movies were unlikely to provide viewers with many surprises, DC Studios encouraged the nation Wednesday to simply imagine its next slate of films instead. You pretty much get it-they're going to punch and kick and shoot lasers and all that stuff," said DC Studios co-chairman...Read more...
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on (#6CPQZ)
SAN CLEMENTE, CA-Stressing that she had one around here somewhere while rifling through her purse, local mother Nancy Jensen gave her visiting daughter a tampon from 1983, sources confirmed Tuesday. Aha, I knew I'd find one-30 years later, and it's as good as new," said an excited, 68-year-old Jensen, who held up the...Read more...
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on (#6CHWP)
PORTLAND, OR-Closing out a highly anticipated series of lectures, talks, and panels on the topic of hallucinogenic drugs in contemporary society, the Portland Psychedelic Science Conference's keynote address was delivered Wednesday by a bird that could read everyone's thoughts, according to witnesses. Every line of...Read more...
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on (#6CGRF)
TUSCALOOSA, AL-Noting that while watching pornographic movies had often left him feeling anxious, depressed, and mired in sexual frustration, local man James Kaiser told reporters Tuesday that their harmful effects were nothing compared to when he masturbated using his imagination. Yes, pornography is extremely...Read more...
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on (#6CG7Z)
Ex-pro kickboxer Andrew Tate, who is currently under house arrest after being criminally charged with rape and human trafficking, has offered to train Elon Musk to fight Mark Zuckerberg after the two billionaires this week agreed to a cage match. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CG3S)
EVERETT, WA-Reassuring investors and the general public following the widely reported implosion that took the lives of five passengers last week, OceanGate announced Monday that the debris of its Titan submersible was still safe to ride in. We're proud to introduce yet another revolution in the design of deep-sea...Read more...
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on (#6CFR0)
The owners of a California taqueria chain have been ordered to pay $140,000 in back pay and damages to employees who met with a person identified as a priest" to confess workplace sins. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CDG4)
Test your knowledge of the rules of the road by trying to pass the Department of Motor Vehicles' written test.Read more...
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on (#6CD2C)
MONTREAL-Posting the helpful explainer to their social media to educate the online public, Pornhub released a graphic Thursday illustrating the depth of the OceanGate submersible compared to a 10-inch cock. The OceanGate submersible was designed to make it 152,790 inches deeper than this veiny, throbbing member,"...Read more...
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on (#6CD0J)
Twitter owner Elon Musk announced that certain words used to identify non-transgender people, like cis" and cisgender," are now considered slurs." What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CD0S)
On Friday, June 16, ProPublica leveled two shameful and baseless accusations against me. First, that I should have recused myself from cases based on a fishing trip I took with Paul Singer, and second, that I should have filed said trip on a 2008 Financial Disclosure report. Neither charge, however, is valid.
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on (#6CCYS)
WASHINGTON-As a rivalry over competing resolutions to impeach President Joe Biden came to a head Thursday, the simmering feud between Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (GA) and fellow MAGA Republican Rep. Lauren Boebert (CO) burst into public view Tuesday when Greene screamed, I'm working through my anger issues, but even...Read more...
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on (#6CCYT)
WASHINGTON-Analyzing the mistakes OceanGate made that led to the vessel's disappearance, critics told reporters Thursday that the submersible should have been tested with poorer passengers first. The company skipped the very crucial step of sending five lower-class people to the bottom of the ocean to make sure it...Read more...
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on (#6CCYV)
WASHINGTON-Shedding new light on the fate of the missing Titan submersible, noted banging sound expert Stephen Beaumont confirmed Thursday that the noise detected underwater near the site of the OceanGate crew sounded like a banging sound. Yep, that's a banging sound," said Beaumont, PhD, the world's foremost expert...Read more...
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on (#6CCSP)
WASHINGTON- Jumping at the sudden, unexpected sound, reports across the United States confirmed Thursday that the nation was startled by a loud noise. Ah! Oh my god, what was that?" said 330 million Americans, noting that their heart just started beating harder. Seriously, that was scary. It sounded like it was...Read more...
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on (#6CCCR)
According to researchers, a former white nationalist leader said he changed his extremist views after taking the love drug" MDMA as part of a scientific study. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CBVG)
Authorities are investigating nearly 100 letters containing a mysterious white powder that were addressed to several Republican lawmakers in Kansas, with the sender referring to themselves in the letters as your secret despirer." What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6CBSC)
CHESTERFIELD, MO-Stating there was nothing he wanted more in the entire world than to be incarcerated in the eastern European nation, local 13-year-old Aiden Wilson was reportedly begging his parents Wednesday to let him go to Romanian prison. Come on, Mom, you have to let me go-it's where Andrew Tate is," said...Read more...
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on (#6CB8Y)
Move over, wine moms, there's a new type of negligent parent in town. If you happen to know a mother who smokes cannabis, here are things you should never say.Read more...
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on (#6C9EX)
LAKEWOOD, OH-In what many were calling another blatant act of discrimination in higher education. a perfect 4.0 student claimed Monday that he was rejected from the university of his choice just because he was a white rapist. I graduated as valedictorian of my high school and played on varsity for two sports, but...Read more...
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on (#6C9DG)
Rejecting scientific expertise and touting ideas like space is fake," the flat-Earth conspiracy theory has gained popularity in recent years. The Onion asked flat-earthers to explain why the Earth is flat, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6C7TC)
A 21-year-old from California set a new world record by solving a 3-by-3-by-3-inch Rubik’s Cube in just 3.13 seconds. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6C7TD)
SANDUSKY, OH—Following a mass shooting at an area mall that left 12 dead and another seven wounded, law enforcement officials released to the public Friday a novelty Wild West photo of the suspect they had taken into custody. “Thanks to the actions of our quick-thinking officers, we were able to arrest the shooter,…Read more...
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on (#6C7KH)
Following numerous incidents in the Strait of Gibraltar, The Onion asked orcas to explain why they are attacking and sinking boats, and this is what they said.Read more...
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Employees Disgusted By Frail, Malformed Child Produced By Forbidden Relationship Between 2 Coworkers
on (#6C7JZ)
PORTLAND, OR—Noting that this was precisely why such relationships were prohibited by human resources, employees at Celera Solutions reportedly grew disgusted Friday at the sight of the frail, malformed child produced by a forbidden relationship between two coworkers. “Look at its pale transparent skin, and its…Read more...
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on (#6C7J9)
STANFORD, CA—Calling on the public to “Please, just listen first,” scientists at Stanford University sheepishly announced Thursday, “Don’t get mad, but we accidentally found the cure for homosexuality.” “Wait, hold on, everybody calm down—we’re just the messengers here, okay?” said researcher Eduardo Soto, who wiped…Read more...
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on (#6C7JA)
EUREKA, MO—Shock waves hit the St. Louis–area community Friday when at least 56 people reportedly died at the grand opening of the new Six Flags Fire Park. “Tragically, more than a dozen people lost their lives or sustained life-threatening injuries on the three-story Blaze of Glory fire slide alone, and first…Read more...
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on (#6C7BZ)
WASHINGTON—Having long sought to place a viable alternative to Donald Trump at the head of the party’s ticket, top GOP power brokers finally decided Thursday to rally behind the late Herman Cain for president in 2024. “After much discussion with my fellow Republicans, I have decided to back Herman Cain as our party’s…Read more...
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