The Onion| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-04-27 09:45 |
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on (#6MCFA)
NEW GLARUS, WI-Tsking her tongue with envy as she put the finishing touches on her teen's at-home hairstyling, local mom Sandra Bennett told reporters Friday that she was pretty jealous of all the dick her daughter was going to pull with those highlights. Honestly, I'm happy knowing what these dirty blond...Read more...
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on (#6MCC5)
CHICAGO-Standing with the bride amid joyful tears from all present, heart transplant recipient Ronald Huger recently honored a dying wish from his donor when he walked the late pig's daughter down the aisle at her wedding, sources confirmed Friday. Your father wrote a letter before he passed away asking that whoever...Read more...
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on (#6MC6N)
Recent reports have indicated that a number of female fans are thirsting over the Ghoul. The Onion asked women to explain why they are attracted to Walton Goggins' mutant character in the new TV series Fallout, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6MC6P)
This uniquely shaped home made of bio-based materials hangs from the eaves of someone else's garage so you won't have to pay any property taxes. Must share with thousands of current residents.Read more...
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on (#6MC6Q)
WICHITA, KS-Complaining that the holidays had ended four months ago, annoyed local shoppers told reporters Friday that Towne West Square still hadn't removed its now-rotting Santa Claus from a seasonal display in the mall. He looked nice when they first put him there, right after Thanksgiving, but now that he's all...Read more...
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on (#6MBSB)
Today, billions of readers like yourself navigated to The Onion seeking dispatches from America's Finest News Source. Like so many have done through the decades, you doubtless entered the hyperlink in a glazed stupor, hoping to see reporting of grave importance. However, today, this was not to be. You see, The Onion is...Read more...
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on (#6M99K)
BENTONVILLE, AR-Adapting the retail outlet's previously simple sign-up questionnaires to the modern world, Walmart announced Monday that its baby registry would now include a checkbox for denoting whether or not the pregnancy was forced. We heard from many Walmart customers that it would be convenient to have a...Read more...
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on (#6M6QF)
Alex Garland's newest dystopian film, which takes place in the not-so-distant future, follows a team of military-embedded journalists as they travel across the country during America's second Civil War. The Onion asked conservatives how they felt about the film, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6M6NC)
DEIR AL-BALAH, GAZA-Following accounts of continued civilian massacres in the Gaza Strip, disturbing reports emerged this week of the Israel Defense Forces allegedly using armored vehicles to play clips of Amy Schumer's stand-up comedy in order to drive Palestinians from their homes. The IDF is currently using a...Read more...
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on (#6M6ND)
PHILADELPHIA-Her footsteps echoing in the night as she wandered down the unlit side street, local woman Caitlin Morgan was reportedly lured into a dark alley Friday by a sign reading Free self-defense class for women." Free self-defense class this way? Don't mind if I do," said Morgan, who delightedly followed the...Read more...
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on (#6M3SW)
As a general rule, if your TikTok feed begins pushing you unregulated medical products, you should probably keep them as far away from your genitals as possible. The Onion asked doctors to explain why you should never use vulva balms,' and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6M2Z3)
MINNEAPOLIS-Updating its packaging to include new USDA-mandated guidelines for safe yogurt preparation, Yoplait began warning Tuesday that its products must reach a minimum internal temperature of 165 degrees Fahrenheit prior to consumption. Contents must be heated to 165F/74C or higher to destroy the bacteria...Read more...
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on (#6M1KP)
LOS ANGELES-Confessing that they couldn't stand the thought of bursting their teammate's perfect little bubble, sources confirmed Friday that nobody in the Dodgers organization had the heart to tell Shohei Ohtani what was going on with his interpreter. Currently, Shohei has zero clue about the controversy surrounding...Read more...
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on (#6KZTX)
YOUR DATA- OR WIFI-ENABLED DEVICE-Feeling crushed under the oppressive demands to click and click and click on TheOnion.com, the nation was informed by experts from The Onion's Click Drive Wednesday that this could all be made to stop for just 25 clicks. For a mere 25 clicks on The Onion's website, you could end all...Read more...
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on (#6KXKX)
KERRVILLE, TX-Exasperated with the view from the place they were standing to observe the astronomical event, local spectators complained Monday that really tall guy Matt Everett was blocking everyone's view of the total solar eclipse. Goddammit, this thing only lasts a few minutes-can't he at least sit down?" said...Read more...
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on (#6KXKV)
Rejoice, sky-gazers, for you are about to behold one of the universe's most amazing astronomical events. Watch now for a live view of the total solar eclipse.Read more...
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on (#6KVXW)
WASHINGTON-Shedding new light on the nation's astonishing athletic abilities, the Pew Research Center released a new study Friday finding that the majority of Americans could jump the parking meter if their bum knees weren't acting up. According to our research, an astonishing 76% of Americans could clear that meter...Read more...
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on (#6KVXY)
GLENCOE, IL-Noting that she must be some kind of genius to get such amazing results, students told reporters Friday that their pregnant sex ed teacher must really know her stuff. I'm not saying our other sex ed teachers weren't good, but Mrs. Collins is clearly in a league of her own to be six months pregnant," said...Read more...
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on (#6KVWC)
COLUMBIA, MO-A darkness falling upon the corridor as they sat on the couch enjoying a movie, residents of a local three-bedroom apartment reportedly cowered in terror Friday as a roommate's hookup lumbered toward the bathroom. According to sources, a monstrous groan was heard from behind a closed bedroom door,...Read more...
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on (#6KVWD)
NEW YORK-Calling it an unprecedented window" into one of the world's most creative minds, Sotheby's announced Friday that it was auctioning off the napkin on which Jeffrey Epstein first jotted down the idea for pedophilia. In 1985, Jeffrey Epstein was sitting at a bar in Palm Beach and, in a stroke of pure genius,...Read more...
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on (#6KVF7)
WASHINGTON-Responding to fallout from the Israeli military's killing of seven World Central Kitchen aid workers in Gaza, President Biden made an address Thursday asserting that Israel had an obligation not to harm his reelection chances. Let me be clear: Israel is bound by international law not to engage in any...Read more...
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on (#6KVC6)
NEW YORK-Shaking violently under the barrage of an afternoon downpour, a $5 umbrella purchased at 49th Deli Grocery confirmed Thursday that it was doing the best it could, all right? Look, I'm sorry-I wish I were made out of more durable material, too, but I'm trying here, okay?" said the visibly rattled umbrella,...Read more...
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on (#6KV8A)
AT&T confirmed hackers had posted data from 73 million current and former customers to the dark web, making public names, addresses, phone numbers, dates of birth, and social security numbers. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind the historic breach of the telecommunications giant.Read more...
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on (#6KV1C)
While environmental lawyer Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is known for many things-including his anti-vaccine conspiracy theories, racist and antisemitic comments, and viral shirtless pushup routine-he has most recently made headlines for his 2024 presidential campaign. If you happen to know someone who is voting for RFK Jr....Read more...
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on (#6KV0P)
PARIS-In what has been hailed as a breakthrough in how one must confront the sheer nothingness that pervades all being, existential researchers at the College international de philosophie announced Thursday that they had taught a rat to run forever through an exitless maze. Our team has successfully ascertained...Read more...
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on (#6KV0Q)
STUTTGART, GERMANY-Remarking upon the plaza's historic architecture and many cultural wonders, local European Klaus Becker told reporters Thursday that he enjoyed the city centre. Perhaps the best part is how walkable the city centre is!" said a visibly delighted Becker, noting that it was also the perfect place to...Read more...
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on (#6KV0R)
VATICAN CITY-Stressing that His good moods never tended to last long, Pope Francis encouraged Catholics on Thursday to ask for what they wanted now while God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, was in high spirits. Whether you're praying to Him for a promotion at work or to help shepherd a loved one through a...Read more...
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on (#6KT47)
BETHANY BEACH, DE-As movers unloaded a truck in front of the house next door, local dad Stan Morby, 43, expressed hoped Wednesday that his new neighbor liked verbal altercations. Man, I really hope whoever bought that place enjoys getting into shouting matches in the front yard," said Morby, noting how difficult it...Read more...
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on (#6KSA2)
Donald Trump recently announced on Truth Social that he has teamed up with country music artist Lee Greenwood to sell a custom God Bless The USA" Bible for $59.99. Here is everything we know about the bespoke religious text that the former president is hawking.Read more...
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on (#6KS7Z)
EUREKA SPRINGS, AR-Watching the soy boy miss out on countless opportunities, sources confirmed Tuesday that a local beta male on a date didn't even try to murder the woman. Is this limp-dicked cuck gonna strangle that chick or what?" said nearby observer Jason Lindell, noting that the effete half-male hadn't once...Read more...
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on (#6KRHQ)
JANESVILLE, WI-A monetary wunderkind who has amassed a level of wealth the average American can only dream of, local finance whiz Jason Reed has over $300 in his bank account, sources confirmed Monday. That's not just $300 on paper-that's 300 bucks, free and clear, in a checking account at Chase," said a person close...Read more...
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on (#6KRHS)
Following the surge in platforms offering anti-vaxxers the opportunity to find love with like-minded individuals, The Onion examines the best bios from dating apps for the unvaccinated.Read more...
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on (#6KPCN)
Adjusting for inflation, the United States has sent around $300 billion in economic and military support to Israel since its founding in 1948. The Onion breaks down the numbers behind this staggering level of aid.Read more...
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on (#6KKF7)
WASHINGTON-According to a new study released by the National Research Council on Monday, the majority of Americans no longer have the energy required to stand while brushing their teeth. Exhausted from the stress of being alive, more than half of U.S. residents now lack the vigor and zeal a person needs to remain on...Read more...
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on (#6KGSD)
LYNCHBURG, TN-Saying the spirit had been blended with construction workers, farmers, and airline pilots in mind, distiller Jack Daniel's unveiled a new whiskey Thursday designed to be consumed while operating heavy machinery. Whether it's a forklift, dump truck, or crane, nothing lightens the load of handling large...Read more...
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on (#6KGSE)
DAYTON, OH-While greeting the crowd at a campaign rally Thursday, former President Donald Trump was seen kissing a supporter's burger, according to sources in attendance. Well, who's this juicy little guy?" asked the GOP presidential candidate, who then reportedly lifted up the fully loaded flame-broiled beef...Read more...
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on (#6KGBG)
SANTA MONICA, CA-Backed by nearly $50 million from investors, a new streaming service launched Wednesday that exclusively features television episodes that have been removed from other platforms because a character appears in blackface. We are proud to introduce Minstrl, the premiere destination for modern...Read more...
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on (#6KFVA)
MUSKEGON, MI-Letting out an emphatic sigh as the boy began crying, local dad Harry Moran reportedly lost his patience Wednesday after providing his child with several continuous seconds of emotional support. Oh, come on, are we still talking about this? I just said I was proud of you, for God's sake!" the 44-year-old...Read more...
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