| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-21 08:00 |
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on (#6PXJF)
Kamala Harris' decision to select Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz as her running mate has galvanized Democratic voters. The Onion takes a look at Walz's rise from Army National Guard member to potential vice president of the United States.Read more...
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on (#6PXJG)
BLOOMINGTON, IN-Reporting a steady decline in the amorous endeavors of young adults, a new study released Monday by the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University found that members of Generation Z are having less sex than previous generations due to the allure of leftovers at home. We found that a large segment of...Read more...
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on (#6PVQY)
ESSEX, MA-Urging those assembled to help make the town safer for people like himself, a local man wearing steampunk goggles at a city council meeting demanded Friday that members approve designated Segway lanes. Yesterday, I was, once again, nearly driven off the road while on my way to the silversmith to procure a...Read more...
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on (#6PVQZ)
DES MOINES, IA-With onlookers panicking and officials struggling to contain the violence, Iowa State Fair visitor Lee Brandberg was reportedly gored Friday by a 500-pound yam. Yep, the young man was leaning so close over the enclosure that the yam was easily able to knock him in with its stem," said onlooker Greg...Read more...
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on (#6PTS9)
NEW YORK-Touting the perk as a way to add authenticity to a gourmet dinner, HelloFresh confirmed Thursday that most of the company's meal kits included a packet of restaurant-style rat droppings. Yes, you and your family can enjoy a bistro-level experience in the comfort of your own home with the addition of rodent...Read more...
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on (#6PTSA)
Actors Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds have been busy doing press for their respective summer releases, the romantic drama It Ends With Us and the Marvel blockbuster Deadpool & Wolverine. The Onion sat down with the Hollywood power couple to discuss parenting, their business endeavors, and what fans can look forward to...Read more...
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on (#6PTSB)
PARIS-Sending waves of shock and outrage throughout the sporting world, U.S. gymnast Stephen Nedoroscik was under fire Thursday after a newly surfaced video showed the Olympic athlete whipping a pommel horse. That poor pommel horse-it was just standing there, cowering, as he struck it again and again," said American...Read more...
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on (#6PTMD)
SOUTH HACKENSACK, NJ-Baffled by the lack of recognizable flags, names, or national symbols on the paper bills, employees at Platinum Lounge confirmed Thursday that a foreign man at the club was tossing around a totally unknown currency.I can't identify the script or characters, and I've never seen any money with...Read more...
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on (#6PSQ6)
WASHINGTON-In what experts are calling the most comprehensive survey of the phenomenon to date, a new report published Wednesday by the Pew Research Center found that more than 9 in 10 Americans would like to be tossed around like a rag doll by a Swedish logger. Regardless of their age, gender, or ethnicity, an...Read more...
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on (#6PSPQ)
PLYMOUTH, MI-Expressing frustration with what she sees as a widespread decline in the quality of consumer goods, area Temu shopper Chelsea Owens told reporters Wednesday she was disappointed with the merits of a blender she purchased for $1 on the discount e-commerce platform. What the hell? The app gives it a 4.9...Read more...
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on (#6PRBK)
NEW YORK-In what experts are calling an economic downturn that could deliver shocks to markets for months to come, stocks plunged Monday as traders realized it was the beginning of the week and that they had to go to work. Today, the Dow Jones industrial average sunk over 900 points after investors across the nation...Read more...
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on (#6PR80)
BUTNER, NC-In their latest attempt to have the Ignition (Remix)" singer's 2022 conviction for child pornography overturned, attorneys for disgraced R&B star R. Kelly petitioned the U.S. Supreme Court on Monday to watch him pee. Today we ask the court to grant review in this case so that Mr. Robert Kelly is given the...Read more...
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on (#6PR0H)
Charli XCX, the artist behind the album Brat and the brat summer" phenomenon, made headlines after endorsing presidential candidate Kamala Harris. The Onion shares what you need to know about the singer-songwriter.Read more...
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on (#6PR0J)
WASHINGTON-In a sobering report on the impact of climate change and deforestation, U.S. environmentalists warned Monday that the nation was running out of small wooded areas where a group of buddies could smoke up. Sadly, accelerating levels of industrialization have led us to a point where our nation's stoner...Read more...
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on (#6PNFS)
The Heritage Foundation's Project 2025 has been widely criticized as extremist" and authoritarian." The Onion takes a look at the statistics behind the conservative plan for a second Donald Trump administration.
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on (#6PNFT)
POCATELLO, ID-After an electrical issue brought the carousel to a halt, witnesses reported that guests at local theme park Pioneer Amusement Center were trapped Thursday for a harrowing six hours on a stuck merry-go-round. I can't explain to you how frightening it was to be suspended two feet off the ground on a...Read more...
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on (#6PMHH)
FAIRHOPE, AL-Exploiting the popular online game platform for his own perverse ends, local Roblox user Rodney McKinney, 68, was accused of grooming 56-year-old Roblox user Walter Rhodes, sources confirmed Wednesday. For the past several months, Mr. McKinney, a 68-year-old Roblox user, used the game as a means to...Read more...
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on (#6PKR3)
WASHINGTON-Figuring a wardrobe update would play well with voters, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly rushed to Marshall's Tuesday to buy nicer work clothes. It's time I finally invested in a decent blazer," said Harris, who flipped through the racks of discount merchandise, picked up a pair of stretchy black...Read more...
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on (#6PJGN)
The Olympic Village built for the 2024 Paris Summer Games is housing 14,250 athletes from 184 different countries. The Onion shares some of the most strict and surprising rules Olympians must follow during their stay.Read more...
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on (#6PGZ9)
PARIS-With more than a billion viewers tuning in from around the world only to find themselves watching a panel of French film scholars and critical theorists, the opening ceremony of the Paris Olympics began Friday with a tedious 45-minute discussion of Jean-Luc Godard's early works. We're half an hour in, and...Read more...
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on (#6PGZ8)
WASHINGTON-Warning that interior defenses were spread too thin, experts confirmed this week that Team USA's arrival in France for the Olympics had left America's own basketball rims largely unguarded. In a strategic blunder of historic proportions, the U.S. men's national basketball team landing in Paris has left an...Read more...
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on (#6PGZA)
LOS ANGELES-In a bombshell interview that has divided the movie's fans and set the internet ablaze, director Steven Spielberg apologized Friday for removing a kiss between E.T. and Elliot from his classic 1982 film. Though I understand now why fans wanted the titular extraterrestrial to grab his 10-year-old costar,...Read more...
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on (#6PGSK)
SAN DIEGO-In an attempt to reward the loyal fan for his years of support, PornHub reportedly surprised frequent user Jeffrey Mitchell this week with a wife and loving family after he reached his 10,000th masturbation with the adult platform. Jeff, we can't thank you enough for all of the loads you've busted to...Read more...
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on (#6PGMM)
As awareness of the condition has grown, so have diagnoses and self-diagnoses of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder in adults. The Onion presents tips for those seeking an ADHD diagnosis.
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on (#6PG0Q)
TAMPA, FL-Explaining that his plate was positioned perpendicular to, rather than parallel with, his mouth, local man Dominic Worley told reporters Thursday that his delight at being served breakfast in bed was greatly mitigated by the difficulty of eating while horizontal. Naturally, I was thrilled to wake up and...Read more...
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on (#6PFRH)
Sales for Hillbilly Elegy, the 2016 memoir written by J.D. Vance, are soaring again after the Ohio senator was selected as Donald Trump's running mate. The Onion revisits and fact-checks the bestseller.Read more...
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on (#6PETP)
OMAHA, NE-Subliminally influencing those who have purchased the 1971 album to sit back and enjoy the music, a hidden message discovered Wednesday when local heavy metal fans played Black Sabbath's Master Of Reality backward reportedly urges everyone to have a good time listening to rock and roll. Hey there, friends,...Read more...
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on (#6PETQ)
NEW YORK-Pleading with the individual to think rationally, onlookers reportedly urged suicidal jumper Harrison Zwillet to leap from a higher floor Wednesday. No! Please! Go higher!" called out just one good Samaritan from the ground below, doing her best to deter the distressed stranger from jumping from such a...Read more...
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on (#6PE57)
SAN FRANCISCO-Pledging to never leave behind the many millionaires and billionaires from the region who helped shape him into the person he is now, vice presidential candidate J.D. Vance vowed in a speech Tuesday that he would always fight for the forgotten communities in Silicon Valley. Many of the Democratic ...Read more...
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