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PALM BEACH, FL-Already facing two federal indictments and several major investigations relating to the 2020 election, Jan. 6 insurrection, and his finances, former President Trump's legal woes reportedly continued to mount Thursday after getting a $35 ticket for public urination. This citation for simply minding my...Read more...

GODDARD, KS-Screaming at the top of their lungs as they confronted teachers, administrators, and the superintendent, a local parents group demanded Thursday that Whitman Elementary School acknowledge that they were angry and not very smart. We, the parents of Whitman Elementary, order you to publicly admit that we...Read more...

DUBLIN, OH-Calling it a discriminatory practice that should have been eliminated years ago, restaurant chain Wendy's announced Thursday that it would be ending its legacy preferences for customers whose families had eaten there before. In the wake of the recent Supreme Court decision regarding affirmative...Read more...

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has a long history of making problematic remarks and hawking conspiracy theories. The Onion examines some of his most controversial statements.Read more...

The Federal Aviation Administration says it will be investigating an emergency evacuation slide that fell from an airliner and landed in the backyard of a home near Chicago's O'Hare International Airport. What do you think?Read more...

Nuclear energy produces about 10% of the world's electricity, but there are many common misconceptions about its usage and consequences. The Onion debunks common myths about nuclear energy.Read more...

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Much of the U.S. remains in the grips of a record heat wave. Here are some handy tips to help you stay cool and safe in this dangerously hot summer weather.Read more...

OREM, UT-Following widespread reports that he awkwardly inserted his self-defense training into a conversation on an entirely different subject, area man Owen Jacobs, who is taking a martial arts class, confirmed Wednesday that he wanted to show you something. Okay, make a fist like you're going to punch me, then...Read more...

Located in the commercial district, 1,025 linear-ft. living space/tunnel through various offices, near the ceiling. Free heat during the winter, cold AC in the summer.Read more...

AUGUSTA, GA-With officers admitting they really connected with a lot of what the man was saying, an entire police department was reportedly talked up onto a ledge Friday by a persuasive jumper. At first, we just kept telling him to keep calm, take a deep breath, and not jump, but eventually he started to make some...Read more...

Hundreds of golden retrievers and their owners gathered in the Highlands of Scotland for a four-day festival to celebrate the dog breed's 155th anniversary. What do you think?Read more...

CHESAPEAKE, VA-Addressing a group of volunteers, local CPR instructor Isaac Lopez reportedly demonstrated Wednesday the proper way to argue over who has to be the one to do it. The first step in any emergency situation is to start making excuses as to why someone else should be the one to administer CPR," said Lopez,...Read more...

The Screen Actors Guild and its nearly 160,000 members are currently on strike as they fight for a contract that addresses shrinking residuals, rising inflation, and the use of AI in TV and film. The Onion asked celebrities how they felt about the actors' strike, and this is what they said.Read more...

FAIRFAX, VA-What started as a tickle in someone's nose reportedly ended in bloodshed Tuesday after a loud sneeze startled a meeting of the National Rifle Association and left 138 people dead. It is with a heavy heart that we tell you more than a hundred lives were lost today when an errant sneeze caused a roomful of...Read more...

TALLAHASSEE, FL-Faced with declining contributions as the Florida Republican competes to win his party's nomination for the White House, Gov. Ron DeSantis' presidential campaign announced Monday that financial problems had forced it to fire his wife, former television host Casey DeSantis. In order to remain...Read more...

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL-Stressing that he was eager to learn more about his soon-to-be new home country, Argentinian soccer star Lionel Messi admitted to reporters Monday that he didn't even know where America was when he signed to play there. When I first heard about the deal, I couldn't tell you what the U.S. was, where...Read more...

WASHINGTON-Candidates for the Republican Party's 2024 presidential nomination were reportedly racing to fulfill the participation requirements after the Republican National Committee announced Monday that it was setting the cutoff for the first debate at a minimum of 20,000 ethics violations. In order to qualify,...Read more...

LOS ANGELES-Approving the singular exception with a unanimous vote from all 160,000 members, SAG-AFTRA announced Monday that it would continue allowing Tom Cruise to act during the strike for fear of what he would do if he couldn't make movies. Hollywood has enough problems as it is without this maniac finding...Read more...

With flooding, extreme heat waves, and hot oceans currently ravaging the earth, climate change is only projected to worsen. The Onion asked children how they felt about global warming, and this is what they said.Read more...

CHICAGO-Remarking on her unusually pale skin and tired eyes, marketing department head Larry Kilmartin asked a female employee at Claremont Industries Thursday if she'd like to go home and put on some makeup. You're looking a bit rough, Sarah, so feel free to take part of the day to go home and freshen up with some...Read more...

LOS ANGELES-Putting down their picket signs and picking up knives, striking SAG-AFTRA members announced Friday that they would disfigure their gorgeous faces if a contract with the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers was not reached by midnight tonight. Good luck finding your next heartthrob when...Read more...

TUCSON, AZ-In preparation for the blazing agony on the horizon, more U.S. residents are moving to the Sun Belt to get a head start on living in a scorched hellscape, according to a new study released Friday by researchers at the University of Arizona. Our data shows that the marked increase in migration to the...Read more...

LOS ANGELES-Shedding new light on the failed negotiations that led to the SAG-AFTRA strike, the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers released a statement Friday that claimed actors were drastically overreacting to a proposal allowing studios to start manipulating performers' limbs using mechanized cords...Read more...

WICHITA, KS-Whispering no, no, no" as she stumbled backward with an expression of sheer horror on her face, local grandmother Martha Hayes scuttled into a corner Friday after the shadow of her enormous grandson fell over the room where she had been watching daytime television. W-w-what do you want?" stuttered Hayes,...Read more...

With over 100 million users opening accounts on the new Meta platform, Threads has become one of the fastest-adopted apps in human history. Here, Twitter users explain why they've decided to try out the new social media site.Read more...

Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) is asking the FDA to investigate YouTube influencer Logan Paul's Prime energy drink over concerns that the drink's high levels of caffeine could be harmful to children. What do you think?Read more...

INDIANAPOLIS-After she had looked around for a few minutes with no success, local woman Jean Beech reportedly came to the conclusion Friday that she had forgotten her boyfriend in an Uber the night before and that it would probably be easier to just get a new one. If I had realized it right away, maybe I could have...Read more...

CHICAGO-Shedding light on the ultimate destination of charitably given remains, a report published Friday in the Journal Of The American Medical Association found that the overwhelming majority of bodies donated to science are dressed up like clowns and shot out of cannons for fun. Interestingly, we discovered that...Read more...

PALO ALTO, CA-Holding the black vinyl costume against his chest while looking in the mirror, Meta founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg confirmed Friday that he had acquired a really cool Matrix outfit but was too shy to wear it to work. It's a riff on Neo's style but was custom-made for my body-like, if I were transported...Read more...

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BEAVERTON, OR-As part of the brand's renewed effort to appeal to the average consumer, Nike rolled out an empowering new ad Thursday challenging viewers to just try getting up from the fetal position. Come on, pal, you can do it," said tennis star Serena Williams who, along with football quarterback Russell Wilson,...Read more...

Opinion is divided over whether to admit Ukraine to the intergovernmental military alliance NATO, with U.S. president Joe Biden leading those opposing Ukraine's admission, to the reported frustration of Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of Ukraine joining NATO.

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Oklahoma's head of public schools recently stated that race was not a factor in the 1921 Tulsa Race Massacre, an event in which white mobs killed around 300 Black residents and burned some 35 blocks of businesses and homes. The Onion asked current students in Oklahoma what they knew about the event, and this is what...Read more...

LOS ANGELES-Sitting across from the licensed professional counselor in her office, Harry Styles and thousands of his fans reportedly attended another parasocial relationship therapy session Thursday. Harry, how does it make you feel when you read a comment stating I would die without you' on your posts?" said...Read more...

THE ISLAND OF PREJUDICE-Bounding into action in the nick of time to save America from certain disaster, national hero the Equal Opportunity Avenger reportedly dealt a fatal blow to racism Friday when he destroyed the sonic bigotry ray of mad scientist Dr. Prejudice. We were in a tight spot back there, but thankfully...Read more...

The Biden administration plans to provide Ukrainian troops with controversial weapons known as cluster munitions," a battle tool that has been banned by more than 100 nations and lambasted by human rights groups for indiscriminately killing civilians. What do you think?Read more...

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The appropriately named Second Man (an English translation from the original Sumerian) was the very first man.Read more...

According to a new study by the U.S. Geological Survey, nearly half of all U.S. drinking water is laced with PFAS, or forever chemicals." The Onion asked Americans how they felt about potentially drinking per- and polyfluoroalkyl substances, and this is what they said.Read more...

WASHINGTON-Giggling as they squirmed, sucked their thumbs, and fiddled with their pull-up diapers, the nation's toddlers held a press conference Wednesday to announce their plans to crawl under the fitting rooms doors at Ross Dress for Less and say hi. We're here today to inform you that we will escape our parents'...Read more...

AUSTIN, TX-In an effort to ensure the group had a cohesive look, local woman Taylor Wyatt reportedly informed her bridesmaids Wednesday they would be required to get matching plastic surgery for her wedding day. I know it's a lot to ask, but it's super important that we all match for my big day," said Wyatt, who...Read more...

WASHINGTON-Despite numerous warnings to be gentle with the commander in chief's fragile head, President Biden was declared dead Wednesday after an aide accidentally pressed the soft spot on top of his skull. It is with a heavy heart that I inform you all that the president was pronounced dead shortly after an aide...Read more...

LOS ANGELES-Inundated with explicit and obscene messages from strangers online, the direct message folder of local dog Coco, a female beagle with 1.3 million followers on Instagram, was reportedly filled with unsolicited dick pics Tuesday. Heyyy, heard u like bones," Instagram user JeffPaulz_2348 wrote to the dog...Read more...

NEW YORK-Pushing away any lingering concerns that the portrait might stir up unintended controversy, white artist Daniel Immelmann reportedly reassured himself Tuesday that people would love his portrait of Emmett Till dunking a basketball. Obviously, everyone who sees Emmett Till bravely dunking over a white...Read more...

This once-charming but now dilapidated two-story is surely a metaphor for something, but what? Is it your inner resolve and optimism, which will one day restore this home to its former glory? Or is it just a manifest symbol of your eternal failure? You decide!Read more...

OceanGate announced it is suspending its commercial and exploration operations nearly three weeks after five people were killed aboard its Titan submersible on a trip to the Titanic shipwreck. What do you think?Read more...

SEATTLE-After gearing up for the online retailer's annual Prime Day sale and perusing the bargains, savvy internet users reported Tuesday that, due to a glitch, Amazon was now offering a controlling stake in the company for only $24.99. If you're an Amazon Prime member, you can log on right now and snag majority...Read more...