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on (#6DFS1)
NEW YORK-In what they described as an alarming new insight into the profligate life choices of Americans, researchers at Columbia University released a study Wednesday that found millions go on wastefully living for years after they pass on their genetic material. Our analysis suggests that even though they have...Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-05-20 05:45 |
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on (#6DFS2)
FAIRFAX, VA-Presenting the toddler with an oversized novelty check for $20,000, the National Rifle Association reportedly awarded a scholarship Tuesday to 18-month-old Jax Edelwright for shooting his entire family. The NRA is proud to honor little Jax here for his outstanding work in the field of gun negligence,"...Read more...
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on (#6DFDD)
A federal grand jury has indicted former President Donald Trump on a multitude of charges related to his effort to overturn the 2020 election. The Onion asked Trump supporters what they thought of his third indictment, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6DF83)
Scientists say they have revived a worm that was frozen in Siberian permafrost for 46,000 years, using water to awaken the nematode that had been lying in a dormant state known as cryptobiosis. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DF84)
Whether you're looking to optimize the feng shui of your apartment or make your large mansion feel cozy, the lighting in your home can make a huge difference. The Onion presents a guide to beautiful lighting in your home.Read more...
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on (#6DETP)
LAS VEGAS-Shedding light on average response times to an unanticipated delay, a new study published Tuesday by the University of Nevada, Las Vegas found that 96% of Americans were willing to kill anyone who makes them wait more than 10 seconds for anything. Our findings show that if punishment were no obstacle, the...Read more...
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on (#6DERD)
EAU CLAIRE, WI-Saying that she didn't appreciate always being the cruel authoritarian" in her children's eyes, local mother Daphne Stephens told reporters Tuesday that she was jealous her husband was always considered the fun alcoholic parent. It's not fair; I spend all day with the kids getting sloshed, but he gets...Read more...
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on (#6DERE)
Whether the incident was humiliating, disappointing, or just two sad people laboriously smashing their disgusting bodies together in a fit of passion, Americans never forget their first time. The Onion examines the most common first sexual experiences by state.Read more...
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on (#6DE9Y)
WASHINGTON-At a press event Monday held to address the student debt crisis, President Joe Biden made a speech during which he appeared to forget the nation's name. Instead of saying the United States,' President Biden began using words like bud' or amigo' to project familiarity, but it was obvious he couldn't...Read more...
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on (#6DEA0)
A recent Taylor Swift concert in downtown Seattle shook the ground so hard, it registered signals on a nearby seismometer roughly equivalent to a 2.3-magnitude earthquake. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DDT0)
Following the recent uptick in anti-semitic rhetoric and claims that death camps never existed, the Onion asked holocaust deniers to explain why they deny the holocaust, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6DDT1)
NEW YORK-Closing his eyes and slapping himself across the face ahead of a television appearance Monday, Rudy Giuliani was overheard telling himself, Come on, Rudy, give 'em that old 9/11 razzle-dazzle," according to sources. You're going to go out there, and you're going to hit them with the ol' one-two Twin Towers...Read more...
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on (#6DDR7)
MELROSE, MA-Shedding new light on how the popular medication repairs a chemical brain imbalance, psychiatrists at Melrose Wakefield Hospital released a study Monday touting the effectiveness of SSRIs to cause enough other problems that it completely takes a patient's mind off their depression. In a double-blind study...Read more...
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on (#6DDR8)
Water temperature at a buoy in southern Florida reached a shocking 101.1 degrees Fahrenheit this week, which meteorologists say is among the hottest ocean temperatures ever recorded on Earth. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DDR3)
ALEXANDRIA, VA-Expressing fear that his partner of the past two years might be harboring unspoken desires, local man Tyler Hiller told reporters Monday that he was paranoid that his girlfriend, Kayla Nguyen, fantasized about sleeping with other people as often as he did. It worries me sick that she could be having...Read more...
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on (#6DC6E)
Three military veterans testified before Congress claiming that the U.S. government is concealing a longstanding program that reverse engineers alien aircraft and has recovered non-human biologics" from alleged crash sites. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DC44)
LOS ANGELES-After months of speculation over his playing future, baseball phenom Shohei Ohtani announced Friday his plans to leave the Los Angeles Angels for a team in Major League Baseball. It's been an honor playing for the Angels, and I'll be sad to leave, but like many great foreign players before me, I want to...Read more...
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on (#6DC45)
MIAMI-According to sources familiar with the case, new charges filed Thursday in the federal indictment against Donald Trump suggested that the former president instructed a Mar-a-Lago employee to tape over security footage with a rerun of Hong Kong Phooey. Despite being more than aware that doing so would obstruct...Read more...
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on (#6DBQQ)
BATTLE CREEK, MI-Vowing to never let her memory fade, local woman Victoria Caruso told reporters Friday that she would always remember her deceased grandmother as the person whose house her family had to visit sometimes. Ever since I was a kid, my grandma was someone who had a house approximately 40 minutes away from...Read more...
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on (#6DBQR)
WASHINGTON-Recognizing the need for funds to repair numerous damages after a night of drinking, Congress passed a $55 billion infrastructure bill Friday to fill the holes their angry boyfriend punched in the nation. We're enacting this legislation to patch up the thousands of miles of roads and bridges our boyfriend...Read more...
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on (#6DBQT)
DALLAS-A milestone in private deep-sea travel was reportedly reached Friday when Greyhound Lines announced the completion of a successful bus voyage to view the wreck of the Titanic. We're pleased to share that Greyhound passengers were treated to the rare sight of the wreck of the Titanic some 12,500 feet down on...Read more...
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on (#6DBNG)
NEW ORLEANS-Responding to ongoing concerns from fans as well as the New Orleans Pelicans organization about his physical conditioning in a career thus far marred by injuries, power forward Zion Williamson expressed his confidence to reporters Friday that he could be in basketball shape by his late 30s. I just need...Read more...
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on (#6DBNH)
A conservative commentator and columnist, Ben Shapiro co-founded the Daily Wire website and is host of the podcast The Ben Shapiro Show. If you know someone who is a fan of Ben Shapiro, here are things you should never say.Read more...
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on (#6DBKH)
Take a closer look at all these gems still available to the right buyer!Read more...
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on (#6DB5D)
Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) was involved in a multi-car accident on Tuesday in Tennessee as he traveled in a motorcade to a campaign stop for his 2024 presidential bid. He was uninjured. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DB5E)
WASHINGTON-Having determined the cause of an episode in which the minority leader froze midway through remarks to the press and then remained silent for 19 seconds, doctors confirmed Thursday that Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) had suffered a stroke after imagining a happy Black person. We ran some tests and discovered...Read more...
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on (#6DB55)
WASHINGTON-Discovering the phenomenon as they all received emergency medical attention at the same time, several elderly senators reportedly found it amusing Thursday that their strokes seemed to be syncing up. I've heard of this happening, but I honestly thought it was a myth," a distant, glassy-eyed Mitch McConnell...Read more...
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on (#6DAQR)
TULSA, OK-The emotion rising in her voice as she pleaded with the device, local woman Alexis Kirk was reportedly desperately trying to unlock her iPhone Thursday using Face ID like an elderly man begging his senile wife to recognize him one last time. Please, please, please-you know me!" said Kirk, whose eyes welled...Read more...
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on (#6DAQS)
Following Florida's decision to release new standards for teaching African American history in schools, The Onion examines the biggest benefits slaves got from slavery.Read more...
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on (#6DAN5)
DEARBORN, MI-Touting the new acquisition as a major upgrade," the Henry Ford Museum of American Innovation confirmed Thursday that it had traded in its original Model T for a 2008 Subaru Outback. The Model T was invaluable in its own way of course, but in the end, it simply wasn't practical," said museum...Read more...
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on (#6D9N3)
CHICAGO-As the situation continued to unfold Wednesday, experts confirmed there was still plenty of time for someone to jump onto the train tracks to grab an unclaimed quarter. Come on, the train light is barely visible yet," said a source on the scene, peering down the tunnel and urging local bystander Ted Granger...Read more...
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on (#6D9N5)
VINCENNES, IN-Lavishing their coworker with admiration for his new look, office sources confirmed Wednesday that local man Hank Schafer was racking up the compliments after taking a shower. Receiving a Wow!" and several whistles from fellow employees, the usually unkempt Schafer was the subject of numerous flattering...Read more...
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on (#6D9N6)
Though recent years have seen a dramatic uptick in child labor law violations, many states are rolling back protections for teenagers and permitting them to work more dangerous jobs. If you come into contact with a teenage factory worker, here are things you should never say.Read more...
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on (#6D94A)
Twitter has officially rebranded to X after owner Elon Musk changed its iconic bird logo Monday, saying the change was to embody the imperfections in us all that make us unique." What do you think?Read more...
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Raving Pete Buttigieg Launches Initiative To Build Möbius Highways Where Cars Can Drive For Infinity
on (#6D8Q6)
WASHINGTON-Rambling incoherently about the benefits of travel upon a single looped surface, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg launched an initiative Wednesday to build Mobius highways that will allow cars to drive for infinity. See, all it takes is this little half-twist right here, and then you can keep going...Read more...
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on (#6D8MN)
REDMOND, WA-Noting that he already seemed to have such a knack with children and babies, local man Thomas Wellington was deemed a natural father Tuesday after he did not immediately strangle his newborn. It's amazing, right off the bat, he just knew how to be a dad," said friend Layla Newton while fawning over the...Read more...
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on (#6D8MP)
GUILDERLAND, NY-A pathetic display of deception and self-debasement reportedly occurred Tuesday when a theatrical farce featuring teammates, parents, and coaches pretended a Little Leaguer's 12-error dribbler was a real home run. Sources confirmed that the absolute travesty of an event included a number of full-grown...Read more...
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on (#6D8MQ)
An Ohio plastic surgeon's state medical license has been permanently revoked after a medical board determined she harmed patients while livestreaming their surgeries on the social media app TikTok. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6D5HG)
WASHINGTON-According to a poll released Friday by the Pew Research Institute, the majority of voting-age Americans would prefer to cast their ballot for a tiny little president who wears a tiny little tuxedo and tap-dances atop a podium. In our nationwide survey, we found that 64% of U.S. voters would like a...Read more...
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on (#6D5HK)
NEW YORK-Saying that under normal circumstances she would penalize the establishment for an insect infestation, New York City health inspector Robyn Geisinger told reporters Friday she was conflicted after seeing a cockroach in the kitchen of the Parkside Luncheonette wearing gloves. Cockroaches are an immediate fine...Read more...
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on (#6D53W)
ANAHEIM, CA-Asked for his thoughts on the potential departure of impending free agent star Shohei Ohtani, Los Angeles Angels general manager Perry Minasian told reporters Thursday that his team was the most incompetent franchise in the history of professional sports." None of us know what the fuck we're doing," said...Read more...
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on (#6D53X)
An American soldier who was facing disciplinary action bolted across the demarcation line into North Korea, effectively handing himself over to the regime run by Kim Jong-un and creating a fresh crisis for Washington in its dealings with the nuclear-armed state. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6D51A)
CINCINNATI-Expanding the range of its offerings to fit modern consumer needs, period-product manufacturer Always announced Thursday it would begin selling a new off-roading maxi pad with up to 40% more shock absorption. This spring-assisted, all-terrain sanitary pad offers more shock-absorbing power than the leading...Read more...
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on (#6D511)
WASHINGTON-Proudly brandishing the enormous poster board for all to see, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) reportedly presented her own tasteful boudoir pictures before Congress this week to contrast what she called Hunter Biden's un-American smut." You don't simply thrust your genitals in the direction of the...Read more...
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