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on (#6FGPJ)
ITHACA, NY-In an effort to improve student safety on campus, Cornell University reportedly completed the installation of 36 red-light emergency phones Thursday for conservative students to use if they feel they have been assaulted by progressive beliefs. We are committed to protecting any right-leaning student who...Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-21 13:00 |
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on (#6FGPP)
LOS ANGELES-In an effort to treat fans of the recently revived sitcom, Paramount+ announced Thursday it was releasing all 432 episodes of the Frasier reboot at once. For any viewers excited to see what Freddy, Lilith, and a certain incorrigible psychiatrist have been up to over the past 20 years, Paramount+ is proud...Read more...
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on (#6FGPQ)
JERSEY CITY, NJ-Honoring the sadistic royal for his success at such an early age, popular business publication Forbes announced Thursday that a bloodthirsty boy king had been included on its 30 Under 30" list. Bartholomew has shown incredible industry savvy while executing all who dare cross him, though he is still...Read more...
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on (#6FGPR)
CHICAGO-Affecting countless Americans from coast to coast, hundreds of multipronged Israel-Palestine proxy wars are currently being fought across local Facebook groups, sources confirmed Thursday. From neighborhood watch groups to dachshund-owner meetup groups, there is basically no page right now that is free from...Read more...
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on (#6FER3)
COLUMBUS, OH-Claiming they had already made up their minds, area man Karl Wooley told reporters Tuesday that he felt like the bystanders who were urging him to put his gun down were arguing in bad faith. If I'm being honest, it sort of feels like these onlookers are only thinking of themselves when they tell me to...Read more...
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on (#6FER4)
While most trolls are primarily confined to the worst corners of the internet, some, like Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL), live to wreak havoc in the real world. The Onion asked trolls, shitposters, and internet provocateurs why they love the controversial congressman, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6FDPB)
The Transportation Security Administration is reminding travelers not to put their pets through X-ray machines after too many" travelers have sent their small animals through the screening units. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6F8Q9)
After analyzing over 1,000 attempted book bans filed in 37 states, a new study found that the majority were initiated by an extremely small and extremely vocal group of individuals. The Onion asked these individuals why they work so hard to ban books, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6F7WG)
Porn, in all its hairless, vaguely consensual glory, gives everyday Americans an unrealistic view of how disgusting sexual intercourse really is. While you may think you look like the MILFs, naughty stepsons, or barely legal teens that you see on screen, never try to copy these moves from porn.Read more...
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on (#6F58V)
Following the 11th instance in which President Joe Biden's younger dog nipped at member of the federal law enforcement agency, The Onion asked dogs what they thought about Commander Biden biting another Secret Service officer, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6F58W)
U.S. officials have confirmed that Travis King, the American soldier who crossed into North Korea two months ago, has been expelled from the country and is in U.S. custody. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6F55P)
SAN ANTONIO, TX-Claiming that the Army private looks for any opportunity to mention the sweets, sources confirmed Thursday that released U.S. soldier Travis King won't shut up about North Korean candy. He goes on and on about the sugar-coated peanut candy being so much better than anything he's ever had in the...Read more...
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on (#6F55Q)
WASHINGTON-Warning about the grave fallout should Republicans and Democrats fail to find common ground in negotiations, a report released Thursday by the Congressional Budget Office found that a government shutdown could imperil hundreds of Americans currently at the top of federally funded Ferris wheels. Even a...Read more...
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on (#6F4Y7)
AUSTIN, TX-Ascribing the decision to prioritizing the safety of the chain's employees and customers, grocery retailer Whole Foods announced Thursday that they would be closing 6 more stores across the country after a customer tried a blueberry without paying for it. If someone takes even one more blueberry, we'll be...Read more...
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on (#6F4T3)
Thousands of United Auto Workers members have walked off the job since the union initiated its strike on Sept. 15. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about about the UAW strike.Read more...
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on (#6F4T5)
CLEVELAND-Debuting what the company described as a completely-new way to enjoy the brand's signature boxed dinners, packaged food product mainstay Hamburger Helper unveiled a line of erotic casseroles Thursday that is intended to be eaten off naked bodies. No date night would be complete without Hamburger Helper's...Read more...
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on (#6F4T6)
LACONIA, NH-Barnstorming across the nation as his presidential bid falters amid weakening poll numbers, Gov. Ron DeSantis covered himself in shit at numerous campaign stops this week in an effort to appear more relatable to the common man. Look at me! I'm an average Joe who's covered in his own filth and doesn't know...Read more...
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on (#6F4T7)
Whether it's the crisp air, changing leaves, or seasonal beverages, autumn is popular with the Caucasian ladies. The Onion asked white women to explain why they love fall, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6F4T8)
REYKJAVIK, ICELAND-Inking the deal to transfer ownership of her work to the mythical creature, Bjork sold her entire music catalog Thursday to a woodland elf in exchange for an enchanted crystal toad. After careful consideration of whom to entrust with stewardship of my artistic legacy, I decided to go with the brash...Read more...
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on (#6F45S)
Sen. Bob Menendez (D-NJ) has pleaded not guilty" to sweeping federal charges that accuse him of accepting hundreds of thousands of dollars in gifts in exchange for political favors. The Onion examined every bribe the Democratic senator has accepted while in office, and this is what was found.Read more...
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on (#6F3RT)
WASHINGTON-Delivering a jubilant address to the American people, a triumphant President Joe Biden announced Wednesday that the United States had killed a man who kind of looked like Osama bin Laden. I am proud to stand before you and report that the U.S. Special Operations Command has carried out a mission that...Read more...
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on (#6F3RS)
TOKYO-Despite his hopes to retire permanently after the release of this year's The Boy And The Heron, beloved Studio Ghibli director Hayao Miyazaki announced his return to filmmaking Wednesday, citing a big-time fuckup at his new heating, ventilation, and air-conditioning installation job. While I was eager to move...Read more...
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on (#6F3P7)
A NASA space capsule carrying the largest soil sample ever collected from the surface of an asteroid has landed in the Utah desert seven years after the mission's launch. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6F3MF)
The Onion asked Florida students how the state's Don't Say Gay" bill finally cured them of their sick, perverted urges to be lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, or queer, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6F3MG)
ARGOS, NY-Offering an alternative for parents in the community who, for whatever reason, feel they cannot currently handle the burden of raising an infant, the Argos Fire Department has installed a no-questions-asked baby furnace outside its station, town sources confirmed Wednesday. We're providing this service...Read more...
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on (#6F33D)
A recent study found that the average age for new American parents is up to 26 for mothers and 31 for fathers, both record highs. The Onion looks at the top reasons why more Americans are putting off having kids.Read more...
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on (#6F2SV)
Discussing spirituality with a young person can be difficult, and that might only become more difficult if they're questioning the existence of a higher power. Here are some strategies on what to say to a child if they don't believe in God.Read more...
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on (#6F2SW)
With news spreading that Taylor Swift has formed a power couple with Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce, the pop star's fans are speculating on whether this relationship might be different from her past ones. The Onion asked Swift's ex-boyfriends to give Kelce advice on how to make this relationship a success.Read more...
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on (#6F2QB)
A Taylor Swift Instagram post drove record-breaking web traffic to Vote.org last week and helped the site register more than 35,000 new voters on Voter Registration Day, the largest jump since the 2020 general election year. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6F2QC)
TOLEDO, OH-Finding themselves distracted and unable to enjoy their meal, local couple Monica and Kyle Hulud told reporters Wednesday they pitied the man at Rosie's Italian Grille who was eating alone instead of in complete silence with a person he couldn't stand anymore. Poor guy has to have dinner all by himself...Read more...
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on (#6F27B)
John Grisham and George R.R. Martin are among 17 authors suing OpenAI for systematic theft on a mass scale," the latest in a wave of legal action by writers concerned that artificial intelligence programs are using their copyrighted works without permission. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6F26K)
LOS ANGELES-Meagerly rattling a tin cup at pedestrians rushing past him on Sunset Boulevard, the penniless and barefoot Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav was seen wandering the L.A. streets Monday after reaching a tentative deal with the striking members of the Writers Guild of America. I'm ruined, please-I...Read more...
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on (#6F23X)
TikTok, a wildly popular video-sharing app, has come under fire for being owned by a large Chinese company and for the spread of conspiracy theories on the platform, leading to calls for it to be banned in the U.S. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of banning TikTok.Read more...
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on (#6F1TK)
Court filings revealed that Alex Jones splurged on luxury items and a lavish lifestyle despite owing $1.5 billion to the families of Sandy Hook school shooting victims. The Onion examines what Alex Jones spent money on while claiming to be bankrupt.Read more...
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on (#6F1TM)
STOCKHOLM-Honoring the deity's transformational and enduring contributions to the scientific field, the 2023 Nobel Prize in Physics was awarded Monday to God, our Creator, who devised the Heavens and the Earth in all their brilliance. This prize recognizes the Lord's foundational work in developing the sun, the moon,...Read more...
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on (#6F00G)
NEW YORK-Saying they've never been better equipped or had more tools at their disposal to take on the deadly disease, top cancer researchers held a press conference Friday to tout the huge strides that had been made in the fight against the 350-foot-tall tumor terrorizing Manhattan. Thanks to the innovative...Read more...
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on (#6EZSP)
CHICAGO-Following the quarterback's poor performance through the team's first two games, Chicago Bears coach Matt Eberflus blamed Justin Fields' struggles Friday on incompetent coaching. It seems pretty clear to me that it's the coaching staff's fault, plain and simple," said Eberflus, adding that he had no idea what...Read more...
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on (#6EZSQ)
CARMEL, IN-Struggling to keep a straight face while addressing the Republican candidate, snickering teen angels reportedly appeared before Mike Pence Friday to tell him it was totally God's will that he keep running for president. God told us to tell you that He needs you to be commander-in-chief, so it's super...Read more...
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on (#6EYQX)
NEW YORK-Attributing the move to its need to address a long-standing safety concern, the NFL introduced a new helmet this week designed to protect players' wives. These new helmets are specially designed to withstand repeated blows and to protect the faces of our players' wives, girlfriends, mistresses, and other...Read more...
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on (#6EYMR)
A black bear was spotted in a tree near Big Thunder Mountain Railroad at Walt Disney World, leading to a temporary shutdown until it could be captured and removed. What do you think?Read more...
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