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on (#6E8W9)
With the former president facing 91 criminal charges in four indictments, The Onion asked convicted felons to give Donald Trump advice for going to prison, and this is what they said.Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://www.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-05-20 04:00 |
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on (#6E8WA)
DALLAS-Stressing that those sorts of boilerplate ways of looking at human beings didn't help anybody, local police officer Tyler Franklin told reporters Tuesday that he was annoyed by the assumption that all police officers were as bad as him. Look, obviously there are going to be some bad apples like myself who...Read more...
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on (#6E8WB)
DAYTON, OH-Saying that it made absolutely zero sense for him to squander his paycheck on rent that high, local parents Janet and Greg Tillson told reporters Tuesday that they didn't understand how their son could spend so much money to live in a place that brought him joy. Frankly, I don't understand it at all-why...Read more...
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on (#6E8SV)
Queen's 1978 hit Fat Bottomed Girls" has been removed from the band's Greatest Hits album on Yoto, an audio platform for children, after the company decided it was not appropriate for its audience. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6E89X)
Japan has begun releasing treated radioactive water from the wrecked Fukushima nuclear power plant into the Pacific Ocean, a process expected to take 30 years to complete, prompting China to immediately ban all seafood from the country. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6E873)
Spanish soccer boss Luis Rubiales, who forcibly kissed a player after the country's Women's World Cup victory, has refused to resign, fueling anger among the team and government ministers, who decried his actions as unacceptable macho behavior. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6E874)
WASHINGTON-Following a Jacksonville, FL mass shooting in which a white assailant killed three African Americans, Democrats in the U.S. Senate introduced a bill Monday they said would address the continuing crisis of racially motivated attacks by removing all Black people from circulation. The only way to prevent...Read more...
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on (#6E83W)
BELLINGHAM, WA-Admitting that his physical transformation didn't even come close to cutting it, local nerd Hayden Gardner told reporters Monday he had spent all summer getting into shape only to discover his bully had worked out twice as hard. Wow, I thought that I'd spent the last three months getting totally swole,...Read more...
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on (#6E83Y)
SAN JOSE, CA-Winning her eighth U.S. Championship in 10 years, Simone Biles made history Sunday as the first gymnast to successfully perform a somersault. We have never seen a gymnast, male or female, able to stick the landing on the somersault," said Maureen Shevrin, one of the eight judges who awarded the gymnast a...Read more...
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on (#6E83Z)
Despite a dominant performance at the first Republican debate, presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy is still lagging at the polls. The Onion asked white evangelicals why they refuse to vote for Vivek Ramaswamy, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6E840)
BOWLING GREEN, OH-Complaining about the woke mind virus" that had taken over the campus, Bowling Green State University economics professor Gerard Admussen told reporters Monday that the overly sensitive college students require a trigger warning before seeing his penis. Back in my day, seeing a teacher's half-erect...Read more...
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on (#6E4SB)
LOS ANGELES-Reaching an extraordinary milestone in his quest for longevity, 45-year-old tech billionaire Bryan Johnson announced Thursday that his penis was finally as small as a baby's. Harnessing the power of biohacking, I've managed to shrink my penis from adult to prepubescent and, finally, to infantile," said...Read more...
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on (#6E3P7)
WASHINGTON-Testifying before a House Oversight subcommittee about a truth long withheld from the American public, whisteblower and former Food and Drug Administration official Ron Freeley confirmed the existence of vegetables Thursday. Despite the U.S. government's extensive efforts to hide them, vegetables are out...Read more...
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on (#6DXW3)
Vanna White will reportedly be missing from Wheel Of Fortune for the first time in over 30 years after contracting Covid-19, with the 2023 Teacher of the Year" recipient filling in during upcoming Teachers Week" episodes. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DXW4)
KNOXVILLE, TN-Using his vomit to carefully connect the dots, local hungover man Dennis Moen reportedly pieced together his previous night on Thursday by what he was throwing up. Okay, so I must have stopped at a hot dog stand at some point, if you take into consideration all the wiener chunks I just puked," said...Read more...
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on (#6DXAM)
Rudy Giuliani, who was hailed for his innovative use of racketeering laws against the Mob as a U.S. attorney in the 1980s, was indicted for violating Georgia's RICO law along with Donald Trump and 17 others in connection with efforts to overturn the 2020 election. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6DV4T)
DES MOINES, IA- Hoping to initiate a casual chat with an average citizen during his campaign stop at the Iowa State Fair, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) reportedly said, Ah, pissing, I love to piss," this week when attempting to strike up a conversation with a voter. Boy, do I just adore pissing. What a great way to...Read more...
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on (#6DRG6)
CHICAGO-Saying he was ready to start a new chapter in his post-presidency, Barack Obama spoke with reporters Friday about his latest project, opening an electronics store on the South Side of Chicago. Back during the pandemic, when we were all stuck at home, I taught myself how to do simple laptop repairs, fix a...Read more...
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on (#6DRG7)
Justice Clarence Thomas has enjoyed luxury vacations, flights on private jets, and a number of other extravagant and incredibly expensive gifts while serving on the Supreme Court. The Onion examines everything Justice Thomas received from donors.Read more...
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on (#6DMJY)
DES MOINES, IA-Vociferously defending his state's decision to teach middle school students that enslaved Black Americans benefited from forced labor, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis announced plans Monday to live as a slave for a year to prove it's not that bad. I'm going to be put on the auction block and sold away from...Read more...
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on (#6DMFF)
COLUMBUS, OH-According to a new study published in the Journal Of Itty-Bitty Little Paws, single aunt researchers confirmed Monday that 100% of cats are angels on earth. I'm not even religious, but I can report with 100% certainty they are blessings from God, every single one of them," said lead researcher Amanda...Read more...
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on (#6DMF1)
AUSTIN, TX-Claiming he would be totally free to come out once the party died down, local man Dan Gorski informed his wealthier friends Monday that he would love to meet up after everyone was done having fun. If you're still hanging out after a great night of making memories together at that Carly Rae concert, I might...Read more...
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on (#6DM5F)
While alphas are characterized as dominant, hypermasculine men who always lead the pack, the one person they will always follow is podcaster Joe Rogan. The Onion asked alphas why they love Rogan, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6DM2Z)
HENDERSON, NV-Launching into careful step-by-step directions regarding care for her pets, local woman Bianca Williamson reportedly instructed cat-sitter Emily Pacana this week on how to overfeed her cats. It's pretty simple-in the morning, they get too much dry food, and in the evening, they get too much wet food,"...Read more...
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on (#6DM2P)
CHICAGO-Confirming that the joy and sheer, reckless rapture they experienced would always be just out of reach, a new report published Monday revealed that you would never find a love like that shared by two teens riding the same electric scooter. After studying countless samples, it has become abundantly clear that...Read more...
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on (#6DJ9W)
SACRAMENTO, CA-In an effort to abide by emergency conservation measures issued by the State Water Resources Control Board, golf courses in California have been forced to use insulin to maintain their fairways and greens, sources confirmed Friday. Unfortunately, the state's restrictions on water usage have left us...Read more...
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on (#6DJ9X)
TALLAHASSEE, FL-Explaining that the course would teach thousands of high schoolers harmful information about identifying psychological disorders, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis announced Friday that the state would ban AP Psychology out of fear that people might figure out what precisely is wrong with him. If students...Read more...
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on (#6DHZK)
OAKLAND, CA-During a visit Friday to an urgent care facility at which a man seeking medical attention revealed that he did not have health insurance, a doctor reportedly told the patient, I see...unfortunately, you must now be punished." It's so sad, my friend: You, coming in here, not knowing you have committed a...Read more...
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on (#6DHZM)
Following the former president's third indictment, The Onion asked Republicans to explain why Donald Trump is innocent, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6DHXD)
Embattled first son Hunter Biden has been charged with two tax evasion charges and a felony gun charge. The Onion asked Americans if President Joe Biden should pardon his son if he's convicted, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6DHXA)
ABILENE, TX-Swaying as he put his arm around the machine, local drunk man Todd Bondy reportedly attempted Friday to talk some sense into a mechanical bull. Hey man, be cool-no reason to freak out," said Bondy, slurring his words as he explained to the electrically powered device that simulates riding a bucking animal...Read more...
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on (#6DH8F)
WINDSOR, ON-After formally announcing that he was separating from his wife Sophie Gregoire Trudeau after 18 years of marriage, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau reportedly showed up at the U.S. border Thursday with a duffel bag. Hey, so, things have been a little rough at home, so could I stay a few nights in...Read more...
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on (#6DH8H)
WASHINGTON-Making an emphatic appeal to the court in the wake of yet another indictment, former President Donald Trump reportedly asked Judge Tanya Chutkan on Thursday to throw out the case so as not to ruin his future swimming career. If I may make one humble request from the court, your honor, it'd be that you...Read more...
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on (#6DGY7)
LARAMIE, WY-As part of an effort to reaffirm the accuracy of existing scientific data, bloodied and bruised biologists from the University of Wyoming confirmed Thursday that kangaroos were still eight times stronger than the average human. Okay, now we can finally say once and for all that kangaroos have the strength...Read more...
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on (#6DGVB)
President Biden seems poised to make Bidenomics"-a raft of economic legislation passed during his term, as well as future proposals-the centerpiece of his reelection campaign, arguing that the U.S. economy is strong. But is it really? The Onion answers the most important questions about Bidenomics and its effects on...Read more...
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on (#6DGVD)
AUBURN HILLS, MI-Struggling to meet the expectation she alone had set for herself, local woman Lindsay Dishon's entire self-worth was now dependent on her ability to achieve an unrealistic goal by a completely arbitrary deadline, reports confirmed Thursday. Oh my God, I'm such a loser, I can't even [live up to an...Read more...
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on (#6DGV4)
Following the presidential candidate's numerous cringeworthy missteps and awkward moments on the campaign trail, The Onion asked Republicans to describe their strangest interaction with Gov. Ron DeSantis, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6DGV5)
EL PASO, TX-Asking if it was possible that he had it backwards the entire time, border patrol agent Ralph Forte was reportedly starting to worry Thursday that he was the rapist stealing taxpayer money. My whole career, I thought migrants were the ones in this country committing sexual assault and taking our nation's...Read more...
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on (#6DGV6)
NEW YORK-Drawing from reserves he never even knew he had until this moment, local man Kevin Nachtman reportedly reached deep within himself Thursday to find the courage to run from all his problems. You never know how strong you are until it's time to cut your losses and get the fuck out," said Nachtman, who used...Read more...
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on (#6DFSA)
The Onion asked children how Disney had preyed on them, brainwashed them, and forced them to identify as LGBTQIA+ through the studio's woke, sexualized movies, and this is what they said.Read more...
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