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on (#6GBGJ)
WASHINGTON-With a clear majority of their constituents demanding a ceasefire, members of Congress instructed staffers on Monday to smash any phone that received a call about Palestine. Should voters attempt to reach you to express their opposition to hostilities in Gaza, please make sure the device on which they...Read more...
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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-21 13:00 |
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on (#6GB1Z)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to address the nation's mental health crisis, the American Psychological Association issued a blanket recommendation Monday for depressed individuals to cheer themselves up with a cool, tasty root beer float. In recent decades, clinical depression has risen to epidemic levels in the United...Read more...
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on (#6G9ZR)
WASHINGTON-Providing a relatively subdued display of pomp and circumstance for a less revered group of service members, the White House held a smaller Veterans Day ceremony today to honor those U.S. soldiers who, while serving their nation in combat operations, mostly killed kids. Though we are truly thankful for...Read more...
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on (#6G392)
CHICAGO-Despite a crackdown by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration to discourage the practice, local man Glen Marcus was reprimanded by authorities outside of a corner store Thursday for allegedly selling loose Doritos for a dollar. Federal law prohibits anyone from selling loose corn chips outside of the full...Read more...
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on (#6G395)
WASHINGTON-In what he described as a dire situation that could lead to a public health crisis, U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy warned Tuesday that the ongoing loneliness epidemic could result in more Americans being forced to sing both parts of a karaoke duet. As chronic loneliness spreads across our nation, it...Read more...
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on (#6G2V1)
Donald Trump Jr. took the witness stand Wednesday at the civil fraud trial over whether his father overstated his wealth to banks and insurers, a case that threatens former President Donald Trump's real estate empire. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6G2V2)
Many of America's lesser newsrooms have recently grappled with setting guidelines for reporters' use of social media, wary of staffers expressing their personal beliefs and compromising their credibility in the eyes of the public. America's Finest News Source is no different, and in the spirit of transparency, we...Read more...
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on (#6G2R2)
UNESCO recently called for a global ban on smartphones in schools, but such blanket prohibitions have often met with resistance. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of banning smartphones in schools.Read more...
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on (#6G2H8)
THE HEAVENS-Mumbling the words Why hast thou forsaken me?" as He thrashed about in His bed shortly after midnight Thursday, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings, reportedly woke up in a cold sweat after yet another nightmare that He had returned to earth for the second coming completely naked. It's terrible-in the dream,...Read more...
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on (#6G2BW)
CHESWICK, PA-His mind racing as he watched his hometown Pittsburgh Steelers play on television, local man Troy Belvedere is said to have flipped this week between Steelers quarterback Kenny Pickett being the best-ever and worst-ever quarterback 386 times in a single play. Coming off a successful completion, the...Read more...
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on (#6G2AS)
Free speech absolutists staunchly believe that Americans should be able to voice any opinion they want, except those that make them angry. The Onion asked these First Amendment supporters why people they disagree with should be fired, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6G2AT)
WASHINGTON-Admitting that some types of physiques were simply too disgusting to accept, Americans across the country announced Thursday that they drew the line on body positivity at men with oddly small nipples. While we support people of all shapes, colors, and sizes, the one thing we cannot stomach is a male with...Read more...
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on (#6G2AV)
CLEVELAND-Bemoaning the derailment of what was supposed to be an enjoyable evening out with friends, Brownstone Tavern patrons confirmed Thursday that trivia night had been ruined yet again by the bald man with bulging forehead veins playing all alone. This was just supposed to be a way to blow off some steam with...Read more...
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on (#6G29Y)
Pasadena police are investigating after a report that players had thousands of dollars' worth of jewelry stolen from the Colorado locker room while the Buffaloes played No. 20 UCLA at the Rose Bowl over the weekend. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6G1C2)
A new study from the University of California, Los Angeles, found that members of Gen Z want less sex in TV and movies, and instead prefer storylines that feature platonic relationships. The Onion asked young adults why they were such prudes when it came to their viewing habits, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6G1C4)
PUEBLO, CO-With the body it was attached to measuring well below average, a local penis was reportedly feeling self-conscious Wednesday about how small his man was. I know it shouldn't be a big deal, but I have a lot of insecurity about the size of my man," said the set of genitals, adding that it couldn't count on...Read more...
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on (#6G1AN)
SPRINGDALE, AR-Unable to overcome the devastating losses it incurred as a result of that ornery critter, food processing company Tyson Foods filed for bankruptcy Wednesday after a got-dang coyote got into the ol' chicken coop again. Someone done gone an' left the door open last night, and I'll be dad-blamed if a...Read more...
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on (#6G0TN)
With the Palestinian death toll rapidly rising and conditions in Gaza deteriorating into a humanitarian crisis amid the Israeli invasion, The Onion asked politicians why they will not endorse a ceasefire, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6G0C9)
WASHINGTON-Beaming as she entered the White House with a Walgreens bag full of spooky decorations, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly wore a sad little bat headband Tuesday while sitting alone at her desk for Halloween. Happy Halloween, everyone-come on by to trick or treat," said the second-highest-ranking...Read more...
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on (#6G0CA)
MANDAN, ND-Genuinely at a loss as to how else they could account for the smiling, seemingly contented individual, witnesses reported Tuesday that local happy man Leonard Olson, 36, must either be stupid or evil. I'm not sure what that grinning fucker's deal is, exactly-maybe he's a completely corrupt and appalling...Read more...
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on (#6G0CB)
Bluey, an Australian cartoon about an anthropomorphic blue heeler puppy, has been repeatedly accused of indoctrinating children with a left-wing agenda. The Onion asked parents why they believe the popular children's show is too woke, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6FZTP)
Former U.S. Vice President Mike Pence ended his cash-strapped presidential campaign after struggling for months to convince Republican voters he was the best alternative to the man he once served with unswerving loyalty, Donald Trump. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FZTQ)
DENVER-Crediting the 42-year-old music manager for the team's remarkable and sudden success, the Denver Broncos were reportedly on a winning streak Monday after Scooter Braun began attending every game. The Broncos have really turned things around, and it's all thanks to Scooter, who's apparently one hell of a good...Read more...
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on (#6FZQ5)
Americans around the nation are buying costumes, stocking up on candy, renting scary movies, and decorating their homes for spooky Halloween parties. Here are some tips for throwing the perfect Halloween bash.Read more...
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on (#6FZMW)
Many couples like to get creative on Halloween and dress up as a famous duo. Here are this year's most popular Halloween costumes.Read more...
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on (#6FZC6)
With the conflict in Gaza provoking debate over what constitutes a violation of international humanitarian law, The Onion asked Americans to define a war crime," and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6FXT0)
Fox News host Sean Hannity used the devastating Lewiston shooting to bring up his own personal security plan" that involves using his mixed martial arts training to protect himself during a mass shooting. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FXSR)
Newly elected House Speaker Mike Johnson of Louisiana was a vocal supporter of Donald Trump's efforts to overturn the 2020 presidential election. The Onion asked House Republicans why they unanimously selected an election denier as their leader, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6FXPS)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to provide U.S. voters with increased transparency, a new federal law was passed Friday that requires political candidates to disclose their sexual fetishes on all campaign materials. American voters have the right to know their elected officials' perversions, whether they involve piss play,...Read more...
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on (#6FXP8)
House Republicans elected Rep. Mike Johnson (R-LA) as House speaker, the party's fourth nominee for the job since Kevin McCarthy was ousted as speaker three weeks ago. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FXFY)
ARLINGTON, TX-When asked about whether he was looking forward to his team's upcoming World Series matchup against the Texas Rangers, Arizona Diamondbacks owner Ken Kendrick admitted to reporters Friday that nothing would ever top his team beating the New York Yankees right after 9/11. Sure, winning another World...Read more...
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on (#6FWXS)
WASHINGTON-Claiming the new House speaker to be one of their nearest and dearest colleagues, oil and gas lobbyists told reporters Thursday they would be happy to fill in the rest of the nation on who Louisiana Rep. Mike Johnson is. Mike is just an incredibly humble guy, so the public might not be aware that he's an...Read more...
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on (#6FWXT)
WASHINGTON-Following weeks of uncertainty as a leaderless U.S. House of Representatives failed to reach a consensus, the dust finally settled Wednesday as Mike Johnson was officially named house speaker, president, pope, supreme court justice, U.N. secretary general, Dalai Lama, and conductor of the Vienna...Read more...
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on (#6FWT7)
After struggling to coalesce around a new House speaker for more than three weeks following the ouster of Kevin McCarthy, Republicans have confirmed Mike Johnson of Louisiana in the role. The Onion looks at the key moments of the GOP speakership debacle.Read more...
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on (#6FWPH)
Dwayne Johnson announced on Instagram that he is reaching out to the Musee Grevin in Paris after it unveiled a botched wax figure of the A-list Hollywood star with a much lighter skin tone. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FWBV)
Americans across the country love to celebrate the spookiest day of the year by stuffing their faces with sweet treats. The Onion examines the most popular Halloween candy in every state.
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on (#6FWBW)
Carving jack-o'-lanterns from pumpkins is one of the most fun and rewarding Halloween activities. The Onion offers tips for pumpkin carving that will make your jack-o'-lantern the envy of the neighborhood.Read more...
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on (#6FW1N)
Joe Harding, a former Florida lawmaker who sponsored the controversial Don't Say Gay" bill, has been sentenced to six months in federal prison for defrauding the government of $150,000 in pandemic aid. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6FW1P)
After codefendants Jenna Ellis, Sidney Powell, and Kenneth Chesebro pleaded guilty in the Georgia election interference case and agreed to testify, The Onion asked Donald Trump's closest allies why they're flipping on the former president, and this is what they said.Read more...
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