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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-21 16:30 |
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on (#6C4KP)
TALLAHASSEE, FL—In an effort to achieve greater equality among a community deeply woven into the fabric of the state’s culture, a new Florida bill signed into law Friday would allow guns to start businesses. “For too long, pistols and semiautomatic rifles have been excluded from full participation in our state’s…Read more...
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on (#6C4KQ)
PALM BEACH, FL—Gritting his teeth as he spoke, former President Donald Trump reportedly said “You better not talk” Friday in a stern warning to one of the classified documents at the center of his recent federal indictment. “I mean it—if you utter so much as one word to the authorities, that’s it for you,” said Trump,…Read more...
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on (#6C4KR)
Despite potentially violating antitrust laws, the PGA Tour and LIV Golf recently announced a planned merger. The Onion asked golf fans and pros what they thought about the merger, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6C4K4)
Following numerous boycotts of companies that show support for the human beings in the LGBTQ community, The Onion asked conservatives to explain how pride has gone too far, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6C4DF)
BETHESDA, MD—According to a new report released Friday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health, the tobacco industry knew about the harmful effects of flicking a lit cigarette into a giant trail of gasoline for years, but chose to remain quiet. “For decades, Big Tobacco knew that tossing just one lit…Read more...
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on (#6C4DG)
WASHINGTON—Casually sweeping a line of picture frames off an entryway table onto the floor with a crash, the bat-wielding goons of an anonymous GOP megadonor reportedly visited Clarence Thomas Friday to remind him that he still owes their employer 500 more rulings. “What’s the hold up, Clarence—did you forget we had a…Read more...
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on (#6C4CG)
LAS VEGAS—Citing a favorable economic climate and a growing fanbase clamoring for more opportunities to watch games, every single professional sports team announced Friday that they are moving to Las Vegas. “We are excited to break ground on our new state-of-the-art football arena right in downtown Las Vegas and give…Read more...
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on (#6C4CH)
LOS ANGELES—Informing the city that the end times were nigh, the Los Angeles Police Department warned Friday that the homeless population was closer than ever to completing a doomsday device that would imperil all of humanity. “The evidence our officers have gathered indicates this city’s homeless people are putting…Read more...
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on (#6C4CK)
COOPERSTOWN, NY—With museum curators touting the new offering as a chance for visitors to get a more hands-on look at the experience of their Major League heroes, the National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum unveiled Friday an exhibit that lets fans compare their cup sizes against the all-time greats. “Our new…Read more...
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on (#6C45P)
Former Vice President Mike Pence announced he’s running for president, setting up a battle for the Republican nomination with his former boss, Donald Trump. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6C45Q)
As conservatives continue to stress that implementing plans to reduce the causes of record hot temperatures, wildfires, and pollution infringes upon their liberties, The Onion asked conservatives to explain how climate hysteria violates their freedom, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6C438)
INDIANAPOLIS—Convening to maintain the organization’s invisible hand of control across the globe, the New World Order held its annual meeting Thursday at an Indianapolis Marriott. “This worldwide cabal of shadowy power brokers needs a place it can meet to plot its continued domination of all human affairs, which is…Read more...
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on (#6C439)
WASHINGTON—In what seemed like a surprisingly progressive 5-4 ruling, the Supreme Court upheld a voting rights law Thursday as a cover for what comes next. “Striking down the Republican-drawn congressional maps that discriminate against Black voters is nothing but a smokescreen for what shall arise soon,” said Chief…Read more...
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on (#6C43A)
LAS VEGAS—As smoke poured across the Eastern Seaboard, spreading dangerous pollutants into the metropolis, Mayor Eric Adams told reporters Thursday that photographs of a haze-covered New York City were making him glad he lived in Nevada. “Wow, happy I’m not in that hellhole—seems like another beautiful day in Sin…Read more...
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on (#6C3Z6)
MILWAUKEE—Striding forth with presumptuous disregard for all in her path, a local woman pushing a stroller Thursday reportedly just assumed that everyone was going to move out of her way on the interstate. “That’s so annoying—she’s on a walk with her baby, and so she thinks all the other people trying to get where…Read more...
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on (#6C3Z7)
Apple unveiled Monday its first-ever augmented-reality headset, which will begin retailing next year. The Onion looks at the specs and cool features of the Apple Vision Pro.
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on (#6C3VT)
The CDC has reported that food workers who showed up while sick or contagious were linked to about 40% of the 800 restaurant food poisoning outbreaks with a known cause between 2017 and 2019, citing lack of paid sick leave as one reason sick employees don’t stay home. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6C3VV)
JERUSALEM—Moaning aloud and appearing to bleed profusely as He descended from the heavens, Jesus Christ, the Redeemer of Mankind, was reportedly still nailed to the cross Thursday when He returned for the Second Coming. “I always thought that when He came back He would float down from the sky on a cloud or something,…Read more...
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on (#6C3V8)
AUSTIN, TX—Seeking to provide encouragement to his employees and motivate them to succeed, local CEO Steve Colton sent a company-wide email Thursday that reportedly inspired the staff of tech firm Edgeworth Solutions to start looking for another place to work. “I’d been feeling disillusioned with my job for quite a…Read more...
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on (#6C3PQ)
After a cheating scandal in their 10th season left viewers reeling, the cast members of reality show Vanderpump Rules reunited this week to air grievances, defend their decisions, and hopefully provide some sort of conclusion for their fans. Many longtime viewers have made up their minds and taken sides, and there are…Read more...
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on (#6C3MC)
A suburban school district in Utah has banned the Bible in elementary and middle schools after a parent frustrated by efforts to ban materials from schools argued that some Bible verses were too vulgar or violent for younger children. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6C3HD)
After the tech company introduced the Apple Vision Pro, The Onion asked Apple fans what they thought about the new VR headset, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6C3C1)
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has been making headlines due to pushing anti-vaccine propaganda, conspiracies about health, and launching his presidential campaign. The Onion sits down with the fringe Democrat to discuss his political principles.Read more...
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on (#6C3B7)
CINCINNATI—A heartrending scene unfolded at a Tuesday night baseball game between the Cincinnati Reds and Los Angeles Dodgers when a child reportedly snatched a foul ball away from an adult who could’ve really used the win. When the foul ball was hit into the stands during the sixth inning, it reportedly roused the…Read more...
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on (#6C3AG)
GROVELAND, CA—Saying he knew he’d made a mistake the second he looked down at his shopping cart in the checkout line, local man Travis Fischer begrudgingly admitted to reporters Wednesday that he had purchased way too many overripe melons after going to the grocery store horny. “What was I thinking? Sure, I’m aroused…Read more...
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on (#6C3AH)
Apple announced a mixed-reality headset called Apple Vision Pro that “seamlessly” blends the real and digital worlds, which will start at $3,499 and launch early next year beginning in the U.S market. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6C39X)
DEARBORN, MI—Touting the new offering as the latest in safety, driving efficiency, and comfort, Ford officials unveiled Wednesday their new four-lane SUV. “Our all-new 2024 Ford Explorer 4XLT offers premium interior flexibility at a reasonable price point, boasting a 10 L 16-cylinder engine, 2,700 horsepower, and…Read more...
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on (#6C39Y)
INDIANAPOLIS—Announcing that landmark new laboratory methods had made the once dreamed-of medication a reality, pharmaceutical company Eli Lilly unveiled insulin Wednesday that doesn’t work on poor people. “Thanks to our proprietary advancements in cellular technology, the active ingredients in insulin will now only…Read more...
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on (#6C39Z)
ARLINGTON, VA—In an effort to bring more visitors to the military burial site, officials at Arlington National Cemetery announced Wednesday they had added a zip line. “With holes in our budget and tourism numbers on the decline for years, we don’t see any reason why the new Arlington National Cemetery can’t inspire…Read more...
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on (#6C31C)
AKRON, OH—Sitting the 4-year-old down to share their big news with him, Ella and Demetrius Hayes informed their only child Tuesday that, before long, he was going to have an adorable little rival for their love and attention. “Someone new will be joining our family, and pretty soon, you’ll have a baby brother to…Read more...
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on (#5J0ZQ)
Details have begun to leak about an upcoming Pentagon report declassifying government intelligence about unidentified flying objects. The Onion provides some of the most intriguing details from the upcoming report on UFOs.Read more...
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on (#6C2ST)
After about one month of dating, Taylor Swift and English singer-songwriter Matt Healy have officially called it quits. The Onion asked Swifties how they felt about the artist’s latest high-profile breakup, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6C2SV)
Despite portraying himself as a paragon of free speech, Twitter owner Elon Musk has repeatedly given into the requests of powerful autocratic regimes to silence their citizens. The Onion asked Twitter users how they felt about Musk’s censorship, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6C2SW)
INDIANAPOLIS—Rolling his eyes at what barely constituted a congested highway, out-of-state driver Habib Khan told reporters Monday that Indianapolis’ so-called rush hour traffic was absolutely pathetic. “So this is what everyone was warning me about? It’s 8:30 a.m. on a Monday, and there’s maybe, like, three cars at…Read more...
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on (#6C2S9)
WASHINGTON—Claiming the seemingly unconnected private citizen was evidence of something probably, the Pentagon released images Tuesday that appeared to show a random Chinese guy. “Though we do not know his name or anything about him, we in the U.S. military find these newly declassified satellite photographs of a…Read more...
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on (#6C2SA)
A mountain of unused fast fashion clothing items in the Atacama Desert in Chile has grown so large that satellites have captured clear images of it. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6C2SB)
CALDWELL, ID—Hyperventilating in panic from the end credits of one show to the opening theme of the next, local man Ferris Temple confirmed Tuesday that he was frightened after momentarily being forced to engage with reality in between TV episodes. “It was horrifying just sitting there with only the contents of my own…Read more...
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on (#6C2HE)
Air New Zealand will be asking to weigh passengers departing on international flights as part of a voluntary survey to gather data on the weight load and distribution for planes. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6C2DX)
CUPERTINO, CA—Muttering “Come on, come on” under his breath as he attempted to bind the two objects together, an unprepared Tim Cook was frantically taping a battery to a pair of sunglasses ahead of his keynote at the Apple Worldwide Developers Conference, sources confirmed Monday. “I’ll call them, uh, the all-new…Read more...
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on (#6C2DY)
BRYAN, TX—Jumping up and down and shouting when the answer she’d spent years searching for finally came into focus, prison inmate Elizabeth Holmes reportedly discovered how to make the Theranos blood analyzer work last week at the exact moment the cell door closed on her for the first time. “Oh my God, that’s…Read more...
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on (#6C2DZ)
DES MOINES, IA—Speaking at a kickoff rally shortly after launching his candidacy, former Vice President Mike Pence told supporters Monday that his decision to run for president came after God convinced him he could get a six-figure speaking deal from it. “I asked the Lord in a moment of prayer whether running for…Read more...
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