The Onion

BALTIMORE—Scouring the video-messaging app to find the perfect birthday gift for his best friend and fellow season ticket holder, Ravens fan Dedrick Bell reportedly couldn’t believe Thursday that Ray Lewis was charging just $300 dollars on Cameo to stab people. “I know it’s a little pricey, but my buddy’s gonna flip…Read more...

BURBANK, CA—Responding to allegations of mistreating employees on the set of her talk show, television host Ellen DeGeneres issued a public apology Thursday, stating “I never intended to make staff feel unsafe by wearing a bloodied ram skull and stalking them with a hatchet.” “If anyone ever felt hurt when I threw…Read more...

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Hear how Carter managed to pull off the amazing feat during an official PBA-certified game two weeks ago, earning his face a coveted spot on the massive stone structure.Read more...

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Jeff Bezos, Tim Cook, Mark Zuckerberg, and Sundar Pichai testified before Congress on Wednesday following a year of investigation by the House Antitrust Subcommittee into accusations that the companies’ practices harm consumers and stifle competition. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—Further escalating tensions with the mayors of his state, Georgia governor Brian Kemp reportedly pushed against calls for more coronavirus restrictions Wednesday by moving all government business to a packed indoor pool. “In order to fight the gross government overreach of these so-called protective measures,…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Incredulous that all his work could be for nothing, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred told reporters Wednesday he was frustrated the season is already falling apart despite all the energy he put into wishing it wouldn’t. “I concentrated super hard, squeezed my eyes shut tight, and wished that the MLB season would…Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—In an effort to make a positive impact in his community, local software engineer Marquis Edwin hoped Wednesday that the children in his neighborhood would enjoy the 2004 coding textbook he added to the lending library. “This is going to give them a really solid foundation of code and debugging techniques,…Read more...

ROME—Shedding new light on the demise of the long-extinct sovereignty, archeologists from Princeton University announced Wednesday that they had located the impact crater made by the asteroid that destroyed the Roman Empire. “This astonishing find helps us understand what really occurred during the final days of the…Read more...

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TikTok, a wildly popular video-sharing app, has come under fire from President Trump and tech security critics both for being owned by a large Chinese company and for the spread of conspiracy theories on the platform, leading to calls for it to be banned in the U.S. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of banning…Read more...

ROCKFORD, IL—Describing the ceremony as lackluster but nonetheless functional, family friend Taylor Evans told reporters Wednesday that the homegoing service of Charles Culpepper was just alright. “It wasn’t one of my favorites—not even in top five—but it celebrated Chuck’s life, and that’s ultimately what it’s all…Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Admonishing His flock for concerning themselves with human affairs beyond the ballpark, God, Our Heavenly Father and the Creator of the Universe, reminded angels Wednesday that helping struggling baseball teams was their number-one priority. “If I don’t see you giving a lackluster batter the strength to…Read more...

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They want to make cool toys for big kids, like video games and airsoft guns. But is the company best known for making rattles and corn poppers mature enough to make the leap?Read more...

A team of 16 rescuers say they “didn’t need to think twice” about mobilizing and retrieving a 120-pound St. Bernard named Daisy from Scafell Pike, England’s highest peak, on Friday after she injured her leg at the summit. What do you think?Read more...

Brooklyn Nets point guard Kyrie Irving has pledged $1.5 million to help supplement the incomes of WNBA players who have opted out of the 2020 season due to coronavirus concerns or for social justice reasons. What do you think?Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Getting sentimental as he discussed going about his regular routine to the outrage of those around him, area man Mike Kinkel told reporters Tuesday that he would always remember this as the summer he lived life normally and everyone got really mad at him all the time. “Years from now, when I look back on…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Assuring lawmakers that his department was operating strictly according to the book, Attorney General Bill Barr told Congress during a testimony Tuesday that he only intended to “uphold the rule of law” while federal agents dragged a screaming Jerry Nadler outside into an unmarked van. “This is standard…Read more...

LONDON—Following last week’s announcement that the Tower of London guards known as Beefeaters could face layoffs for the first time since their formation in 1485, Queen Elizabeth II reportedly grew concerned Tuesday that she could be “next on the chopping block.” “Oh dear, if the Yeoman Warders who keep watch over my…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to provide residents with a way to more safely patronize restaurants without fear of contracting Covid-19, Los Angeles officials announced a new initiative Tuesday to designate open-air dining areas along the 101 freeway median. “We’re thrilled to take this bold step to give Angelinos a chance…Read more...

SANTA CLARITA, CA—Saying that the terrifying image was still seared into her brain, local mom Jeannine Kirchner called her daughter Tuesday in a panic after she had an ultra-realistic nightmare she cut off her beautiful hair. “Oh my God, I had the worst dream last night, where I was just sitting on my couch and then…Read more...

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GRAN CHACO, BOLIVIA—Despite expressing reservations about being a caricature of his entire species, local giant anteater Armando Snout confirmed Tuesday that even though he knew it was stereotypical, he couldn’t help but love ants. “I know, I know, I’m a walking cliché, but can you blame a guy—they’re just plain…Read more...

The NOAA is ordering all tropical cyclones to storm in place for a minimum of 14 days before moving on to destroy other parts of the country.Read more...

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Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin and White House advisor Larry Kudlow both asserted this weekend that the next round of coronavirus relief legislation will include another $1,200 check for Americans making less than $75,000 a year. What do you think?Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Lamenting that it was just not the same without the communal atmosphere of a live game, thousands of Phillies fans reported Monday that the closing of Citizens Bank Park has forced them to be content verbally threatening their friends and family. “I’m glad baseball is back, but screaming at my daughter to…Read more...

STANFORD, CA—In a survey of how the nation’s local officials have responded to the pandemic in the absence of a consistent federal approach, Stanford University researchers confirmed Monday that more cities have begun offering drive-thru Covid-19 injection sites to put citizens out of their misery. “By injecting…Read more...

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The Christian non-profit Bread for the World announced that they have asked Florida Rep. Ted Yoho to resign from their board after he called Rep. Ocasio-Cortez a “fucking bitch,” saying “his behavior in the past few days does not reflect the values of respect and compassion that Jesus calls on us to exhibit every day…Read more...

CHICAGO—Expressing frustration over officials ignoring his years of on-the-job experience and finely honed skills, defensive Chicago police officer Dylan Wilson told reporters Monday that he was perfectly capable of disappearing protesters without help from the Department of Homeland Security. “It’s quite frankly…Read more...

We’ve got some embarrassing news, gamers. After Paper Mario: The Origami King’s positive reception and solid sales, we thought Nintendo was sitting pretty for the summer. But a recent papal brief issued from Vatican City suggests that the iconic video game company might have stepped in it with the Catholic Church.…Read more...

PHOENIX—Expressing frustration over his cavalier attitude toward the pandemic, community sources confirmed Monday that local man Larry Baker wasn’t even doing his part to develop a coronavirus vaccine. “Doesn’t this guy know that if we pooled our resources together, we could create a vaccine in a matter of days,” said…Read more...

DALLAS—Catering to fans of the iconic global conflict that ran from 2003 to 2011, the major figures from the George W. Bush administration reunited on Zoom Monday for a table read of the National Intelligence Assessment used to justify the invasion of Iraq. “The country’s going through some difficult times right now,…Read more...

ARLINGTON, MA—Noting that from a quick glance it seemed like he’d fare all right, observers of a missing person poster confirmed Monday that the young man pictured looked like he could probably take care of himself out there. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s a drag that they can’t find him, but from what I can see he’s got a…Read more...

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OPR has the latest on the One Percent’s shining commitment to oppress the powerless, even in the face of economic uncertainty during the pandemic.Read more...

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TAMPA, FL—Expressing glee that he could hold on to the souvenir for himself without fans in attendance, Blue Jays third baseman Vladimir Guerrero Jr. told reporters Friday that he couldn’t believe he got to keep a foul ball. “A free ball—can’t beat that!” said Guerrero, who tossed it up the air to himself in amazement…Read more...

WASHINGTON—With its vote to adopt a resolution denouncing the freshman’s congresswoman behavior, the House of Representatives formally censured Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Friday for employing the sexist slur “fucking bitch” in a speech on the House floor the day prior. “The representative from New York’s 14th District…Read more...

Anyone who played the original Halo:Combat Evolved way back in 2001 knows few shooters have reached the giddy heights of awe-inspiring combat and massive battles—that is, until they got a peek at the in-game trailer for 343 Industries’ first release in the franchise exclusively made for the next generation. Ready to…Read more...

Taylor Swift released her eighth album, Folklore, in a surprise midnight release on Thursday, announcing on social media that she wrote the songs during lockdown and in collaboration with Bon Iver, The National, and Jack Antonoff. What do you think?Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Citing the dangerous precedent it set to allow users to continue tweeting without the slightest ounce of nuance or subtlety, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey announced Friday that they banned 7,000 hate accounts that were a little too on the nose. “As per Twitter’s guidelines, there is a zero-tolerance policy for…Read more...

COLUMBUS, OH—Calling it a “fun, hydraulic-powered way” to support curves of all shapes and sizes, Victoria’s Secret introduced Friday a new sexy push-up jack for maximum lift. “Made from a combination of polyester lace, breathable microfiber, and titanium steel, the Victoria’s Secret sexy push-up jack is guaranteed to…Read more...

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