The Onion

AUSTIN—Boasting that the system used 75% less power than normal cars and could be installed on almost any street corner with 400 square feet of free space, Tesla CEO Elon Musk unveiled a new urban slingshot system Wednesday that he claimed was capable of of moving up to six pedestrians across the street per hour.…Read more...

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MINNEAPOLIS—Shaken by the guilty verdict delivered in the trial of Derek Chauvin, local police officer Edward Margolin took comfort Tuesday by remembering that this outcome wasn’t representative of the system at large. “Moments like this can be tough, but it helps to take a step back and remember that this is the…Read more...

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NASA’s solar-powered Ingenuity Mars Helicopter became the first aircraft in history to make a powered, controlled flight on another planet, logging a 39-second flight reaching 10 feet above the Martian surface. What do you think?Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Flashing their sirens and directing the swerving, damaged Model 3 to pull over on the side of the road, police asked a white, 2019 Tesla to drive in a straight line and recite the alphabet backwards Tuesday after the vehicle crashed into a tree. “Well, well, well, it’s the middle of the day, and we’ve got a…Read more...

NEW YORK—Effusively boasting over the connection long-time New Yorkers feel to this up-and-coming team, media and fans praised the Knicks Tuesday for embodying the city’s true spirit of overhyped media creations. “It feels great to see a Knicks team that can speak to New York by turning the smallest run of success…Read more...

PLAINS, GA— Struggling to process the sudden and unexpected loss, former President Jimmy Carter was reportedly feeling shaken Tuesday to see his friend Walter Mondale die so young. “I can’t believe Walter’s gone—and cut down in his prime, at that,” said the 39th president of the United States, who pledged to no longer…Read more...

Whether they are rappers, country singers, or EDM DJs, the best musicians create a profound connection to their listeners through beat, lyric, and rhythm. We asked several Grammy-winning artists to describe their writing process, and this is what they said.Read more...

NEW YORK—Requesting the public come forward with any information they might have regarding the absolute bombshell, New York City homicide detectives announced Tuesday they were searching for a real knockout after discovering a long blond strand of hair at a murder scene. “We’ve asked all units to be on the lookout for…Read more...

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The results from a small clinical trial have revealed that two doses of psilocybin mushrooms appear to be as effective as the common antidepressant escitalopram in treating moderate to severe major depressive disorder when paired with psychotherapy. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Looking as though he was on the verge of passing out from anxiety, local man Michael Cookson was reportedly waiting for his curbside sushi order Tuesday and pacing the sidewalk like an expectant father outside a delivery room. According to sources, a restless Cookson was seen striding back and forth across a…Read more...

COLUMBUS, OH—Smiling while recalling the “fantastic little outing,” local woman Olivia Curtis told reporters that she enjoyed hiking with her neighbors through a densely forested ravine Tuesday despite failing to locate the missing child they were searching for. “It was so nice just to get out into nature, get some…Read more...

Two hundred seventy-seven Fyre Festival attendees won a $2 million settlement against organizers of the notorious 2017 “luxury” music experience that was canceled after the poorly planned $1-thousand-to-$12-thousand-per-ticket event resembled what some called “a disaster relief camp.” What do you think?Read more...

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You may feel like you’re a professional chef when you’re in the kitchen, but could you really cook like one? We spoke to several successful culinary moguls and asked them to describe their favorite cooking hacks.Read more...

ORLANDO—Explaining that being quiet didn’t indicate a lack of pleasure, Anna Wright assured her boyfriend Ted Ronson Monday that just because she wasn’t screaming, it didn’t mean she wasn’t enjoying the roller coaster they were on. “I don’t need to be writhing around and freaking out for me to be having a good time,”…Read more...

VICTORIA, AUSTRALIA—As the heat and noise from the massive beast prowling nearby grew closer, a rainforest tree was reportedly remaining very still Monday in hopes that the bulldozer would lose interest and drive away. Sources reported that the jackwood tree remained completely immobile to ensure that it did not so…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Condemning businesses that use clean lines and unobtrusive colors to intentionally defraud customers, the Federal Trade Commission ruled Friday that companies must begin disclosing whether they are actually cool or are merely using minimalist branding to simulate coolness. “Too often, consumers have been…Read more...

All aboard the hype train, gamers! EA just teased a tantalizing new project, and we’re absolutely trembling with excitement over what it could possibly be. In a slick business move, the publisher didn’t release any concept art or gameplay footage. Instead, they dropped a cryptic new logo that simply reads FIFA 2022.Read more...

Scientists have created embryos made of human and monkey cells in search of new ways to produce organs for transplant patients, with some ethicists concerned over how the science could one day be used. What do you think?Read more...

WINDSOR, ENGLAND—Wiping joyful tears away from the corners of her eyes, local woman Tricia Ramsey reportedly gushed “Just like a fairy tale” Saturday while watching Prince Philip’s royal corpse being tossed into a furnace. “Oh, wow, this is just like every little girl’s dream,” said Ramsey, who was overcome by awe…Read more...

President Biden announced the remaining 2,500 U.S. Afghanistan will withdraw from Afghanistan by this year’s anniversary of 9/11, a firmer end to the two-decade-long war that has killed over 2,200 U.S. troops and cost $1 trillion. What do you think?Read more...

President Biden announced Wednesday his plan to withdraw troops from Afghanistan in September, the latest move to pull the military out of what has become America’s longest war. The Onion looks at key dates from the U.S. war in Afghanistan.

CHICAGO—In an attempt to address community outcry over recent police encounters, Mayor Lori Lightfoot announced a reform effort Friday that would require all city teenagers to undergo mandatory deescalation training. “As a society, we depend upon the professionalism of 13- and 14-year-old boys in tense situations like…Read more...

EDMOND, OK—Explaining how he doesn’t want his newfound abstinence to infringe on their having a good time, Doug Chandler, a recovering sex addict, assured his group of friends at a party Friday that they can still fuck around him. “You guys should totally feel free to have sex while I’m around,” said Chandler,…Read more...

ST. PAUL—Activating nearly 3,000 personnel, Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz deployed the National Guard to Minneapolis Friday ahead of next week’s police shooting. “We understand that tempers are flared right now, and we urge you to remain calm and demonstrate lawfully following next Wednesday’s tragedy,” said Walz, who…Read more...

WASHINGTON—As retaliation for a Kremlin hacking operation that targeted multiple American government agencies and corporations, the Biden administration issued an executive order Thursday giving Russian diplomats in the U.S. 30 days to complete their espionage activities before they will be expelled from the country.…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Unable to help himself from fearing the worst, Rep. French Hill (R-AR) reportedly mumbled, “Oh God, what happened now,” Friday after seeing he had received a massive donation from the NRA. “Jeez, that’s a lot of money, it’s got to be something pretty bad,” said Hill, who yelled out for his staffers to get…Read more...

INDIANAPOLIS—In the hours following a violent rampage in Indiana in which a lone attacker killed eight individuals and injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Friday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking…Read more...

CAIRO—Speculating that Egyptians began stacking themselves into triangular structures far earlier than previously thought, professors at Cairo University announced Friday that they had unearthed skeletal remains of the first human pyramid. “While little is known about the third dynasty of Ancient Egypt, we now…Read more...

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Brazil is constructing a 141-foot-tall statue of Jesus Christ, which is 16 feet taller than Rio de Janeiro’s famous Christ the Redeemer statue and will rank as the world’s third-largest statue of the central figure in Christianity. What do you think?Read more...

ArcLight and Pacific Theatres, including the beloved ArcLight Hollywood and historic Cinerama Dome that are known for hosting numerous movie premieres and being featured in films, are being closed permanently due to financial difficulties during the pandemic. What do you think?Read more...

SAN DIEGO—Revealing that the top responses were “Really?” and “Huh,” a new market report conducted by local media affiliates released Thursday revealed that San Diegans just assumed the Padres were playing in Los Angeles now too. “After the Chargers left, I just figured the Padres went with them and I haven’t seen or…Read more...

MENLO PARK, CA—As part of the social media company’s quarterly conspiracy-laden performance review, Facebook human resources representative Amber Sutherland warned employee Simon Daniels Thursday that he had been cited for drinking adrenochrome at work. “Unfortunately, we have to place you on probation due to reports…Read more...

HOUSTON—Brutally coercing the suspect into reaffirming his innocence, loose-cannon American Civil Liberties Union investigator Roberta Spatz reportedly beat a recantation out of confessed murderer Leonard Campbell, sources confirmed Thursday. “Admit it, you son of a bitch, this confession sounds nothing like you, and…Read more...

FIRST CIRCLE, HELL—Able to partake in many of the freedoms afforded to those who still walk the Earth, the soul of disgraced financier and convicted scam artist Bernie Madoff was assigned to a cushy circle of Hell reserved for white-collar sinners, sources from the afterlife confirmed Thursday. “It barely even counts…Read more...

When it comes to sex education, schools in the U.S. are still firmly stuck in the 1980s. Aside from how to put a condom on a banana, here are some major things your teacher probably never taught you in health class.Read more...

RACINE, WI—Debuting an instrument of dissent carved in the image of the widely condemned pest, insect repellent brand OFF! announced Thursday it would begin selling a new citronella effigy that customers could use to protest the ruthless attacks of mosquitoes. “For far too long, we have been subject to the tyranny of…Read more...

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Hawaii is working with multiple app developers to create a digital passport system that would allow travelers who are vaccinated against Covid-19 to bypass quarantine and coronavirus testing measures. What do you think?Read more...

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Japan announced plans to dump a million tonnes of radioactive wastewater into the ocean from the Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Plant that was damaged by a 9.0 magnitude earthquake in 2011, sparking protests from local fisherman and environmental groups. What do you think?Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Adding another milestone to an already historic career, Stephen Curry passed Wilt Chamberlain this week to become the tallest player in Warriors’ franchise history. “We obviously had high hopes when we drafted Steph, but no one could have expected this level of development,” said Warriors general manager…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Offering a rare glimpse of how the rich and famous spend their remaining days, a tour group stopped by Jack Nicholson’s Beverly Hills mansion Wednesday for a routine check on the actor’s welfare, riders aboard a sightseeing bus confirmed. “There’s no better way to experience the glitz and glamour of…Read more...