The Onion
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| Updated | 2024-11-25 03:01 |
on (#54YHB)
CHICAGO—Calling it the next “hot, up-and-coming spot” for young professionals, local real estate agent Angela Kirkman stated Tuesday that she believed a flourishing neighborhood full of middle-class Latino families with deep roots in the area had great turnaround potential. “Look, I’ve been in this business a while,…Read more...
on (#54YHD)
The Joe Biden campaign announced Monday that the former vice president will participate in three previously scheduled debates against Donald Trump, while criticizing the Trump campaign’s push to add more debates and to help pick the moderators. What do you think?Read more...
on (#54YAY)
NEW YORK—Thanking God that he has been able to navigate both the pandemic and national conversation on racism without a single person being able to call him out, the MLS commissioner told reporters Tuesday he was relieved nobody actually knows him by name. “Rob Manfred is swamped with people attacking him every day,…Read more...
on (#54Y81)
STANFORD, CA—Highlighting the consequences of decades of U.S. policies that have contributed to rising economic inequality, a new study released Tuesday by Stanford University’s Center on Poverty and Inequality found a widening gap between the nation’s rich pets and poor citizens. “Our data shows a rapidly increasing…Read more...
on (#54Y3J)
WASHINGTON—Following months of lockdown due to the Covid-19 pandemic, an angry mob of heavily armed self-help gurus reportedly demanded Tuesday that Americans reopen their hearts. “It’s time for U.S. citizens to find a way to look inwards and embrace their own divinity or face the inevitable consequences,” said an…Read more...
on (#54XYG)
Knowing how to properly administer CPR could mean the difference between life and death. But what if the person lying unconscious isn’t really the type of person you would normally go for? We’ve got the latest on how to best peel back a person’s unresponsive eyelids to check for sparks.Read more...
on (#54XV5)
Ford Motor Company announced they will move the planned debut of the new Bronco from July 9 to July 13 after learning the original launch date coincided with O.J. Simpson’s birthday. What do you think?Read more...
on (#54WZ8)
WASHINGTON—Seeking to counter the narrative put forward by the mainstream media, the Trump administration announced Monday that the entire U.S. populace of 6,200 had attended the president’s recent rally in Tulsa. “Despite what the fake news at CNN and MSNBC would have you believe, President Trump was honored by the…Read more...
on (#54WW3)
MENLO PARK, CA—In an effort to curtail the organization’s outsized influence, Facebook announced Monday that it would be implementing new steps to ensure the breakup of the U.S. government before it becomes too powerful. “It’s long past time for us to take concrete actions against this behemoth of governance that has…Read more...
on (#54WW4)
Former Vice President Joe Biden’s campaign raised $80.8 million in May compared to the Trump campaign’s $74 million, the first month of the election since Bernie Sanders dropped out the race and endorsed Biden for president. What do you think?Read more...
on (#54WW5)
CHICAGO—Letting out a frustrated sigh as her dog once again squatted down to relieve itself, local woman Shelly Reed told reporters Monday that she wasn’t sure how the city expected her to pick up every drop of dog piss in a little bag. “Look, I’m a responsible dog owner, and I’ve been one all my life, but if you…Read more...
on (#54WW6)
WASHINGTON—Declaring that enough was enough and that the nation’s officials needed to stand up to the organization, public pressure was reportedly mounting on Monday for the U.S. government to stop designating the Ku Klux Klan a 501(c)(3) nonprofit. “Look, there was a time when it made sense to exempt the KKK from…Read more...
on (#54WA9)
Lawmakers are finally taking action amid waves of police brutality, announcing their commitment to offer members of the BLM movement a nice memorial or plaque or day off work or something.Read more...
on (#54SGZ)
It’s an affliction many don’t like to talk about, but one that more and more people are suffering from each day, especially around this time of year. Hear how you can keep the image of your father’s nude and weathered body out of your psyche most effectively.Read more...
on (#54SH0)
Stuck last minute trying to figure out a gift for the father who has everything he possibly needs? Well, these unique gift ideas will let your dad know you’ve been thinking about him.Read more...
on (#54SC6)
AUSTIN, TX—After a routine inspection of a mutual acquaintance’s Instagram page, local woman Alison Hannon remarked Monday that, huh, her boyfriend’s ex seems to have just made an interesting hair choice. “Well, that’s definitely a bold move for her face type, but hopefully it works out for her,” said Hannon, clicking…Read more...
‘It’s Perfect Outside,’ Announces Sweating Woman Slowly Losing Consciousness In Middle Of Heatstroke
on (#54SC4)
SKOKIE, IL—Visibly sweating under the scorching summer sun, local woman Chloe Baumgartner reportedly announced “It’s perfect outside” Friday while slowly losing consciousness in the middle of a heatstroke. “What a lovely day,” said Baumgartner, who slurred her words as she admired the unseasonably warm June weather,…Read more...
on (#54SC3)
Twilight star Kristen Stewart is set to play Princess Diana in an upcoming film which focuses on a weekend in the early 1990s when Diana decided she could no longer be married to Prince Charles. What do you think?Read more...
on (#54SC2)
BATON ROUGE, LA—Defending the deeply personal pursuit of choking down as many ballpark franks as you can cram into your mouth, local man Tim Aveline told reporters Friday he hated how hot-dog-eating contests have reduced the art of eating hot dogs to mere competition. “It’s really gross how these events where they…Read more...
on (#54SC1)
WASHINGTON—Classifying millions of citizens around the country as “total goddamn mysteries,” a resigned Pew Research study released Friday found it was impossible to determine what the fuck was going on with 15% of Americans. “After an exhaustive, year-long venture, we are still just as confused, if not more confused,…Read more...
on (#54RQ5)
The parent companies of Aunt Jemima pancake mix, Mrs. Butterworth syrup, and Uncle Ben’s rice have each announced this week plans to revamp or fully retire the brands, acknowledging the racist origins of the images. What do you think?Read more...
on (#54RCQ)
WASHINGTON—Shuddering at the thought of what another term would bring, a White House toilet reportedly expressed concerns Thursday that it didn’t know if it could handle another four years of President Donald Trump. “I know I’m supposed to be apolitical and serve at the pleasure of the president, whoever it is, but I…Read more...
on (#54RCR)
FRANKFORT, KY—Describing feelings of excitement despite social unrest and an inundation of calls for justice after the extrajudicial murder of Breonna Taylor, Kentucky attorney general Daniel Cameron was reportedly so starstruck this week by the open letter penned to him by world-famous singer–songwriter Beyoncé that…Read more...
on (#54RCS)
SEATTLE—Concluding that the species is far more advanced than it pretends to be, researchers at the University of Washington have found that crows are smart enough not to let on how smart they really are, according to a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Field Ornithology. “After closely examining a variety of…Read more...
on (#54QWD)
WASHINGTON—Suggesting that Americans should enjoy these halcyon days while they still can, a new report from the Pew Research Center confirmed Thursday that this is a goddamn walk in the park compared to what’s coming in 2027. “Our research has found that if you think you’re stressed out now, savor it, because all of…Read more...
on (#54QWF)
Hear how an apparent three-day house-building bender led the former president to finally seek help, and just what it will take for him to kick the habit for good.Read more...
on (#54QWG)
American Airlines announced this week that due to coronavirus fears they will no longer sell alcohol on flights in an effort to reduce the amount of time passengers spend with their masks off, but that the ban does not apply to people in first class. What do you think?Read more...
on (#54Q75)
SIOUX FALLS, SD—Wielding assault rifles and chanting “smarter than the average bear” as they gathered around the cartoon character, heavily armed fans reportedly guarded a statue of Yogi Bear Wednesday on the off chance that he turned out to have supported the confederacy. “We will lay down our lives to protect this…Read more...
on (#54Q76)
Convenience store chain 7-Eleven confirmed they will cancel this year’s Free Slurpee Day, scheduled for July 11, due to “uncertainties associated with the Covid-19 pandemic.” What do you think?Read more...
on (#54Q77)
PHILADELPHIA—Explaining that the parallels with our age were almost uncanny, William Howard Taft historian B.R. Carter told reporters Wednesday that he was confident the solution to our nation’s troubles could be found in the storied career of William Howard Taft. “America is fractured, but I’m sure that a balm to…Read more...
on (#54Q44)
BEVERLY HILLS—Emphasizing that the mission would finally give humans unprecedented access to juicy, A-list action, NASA scientists told reporters Wednesday that they had launched a paparazzo rover in Beverly Hills to search for signs of salacious celebrity life. “After years of simply researching from afar, NASA’s new…Read more...
on (#54Q45)
CHICAGO—Finding itself desperately uncertain that it could take it much longer, the sweat-soaked mattress belonging to Jared and Carla Ames prayed Wednesday that this would be the year the couple finally invested in air conditioning. “It’s pricey, I get it, but for Christ’s sake, I’m literally drowning here and these…Read more...
on (#54Q46)
PENSACOLA, FL—Milking the aging man for all his love and affection, manipulative stepmother Tracy Duffield, 63, only married local dad Robert Morales, 77, so that she could take care of him as he grows old, sources reported Wednesday. “Ugh, she’s obviously just taking advantage of Dad’s vulnerable state by offering…Read more...
on (#54Q48)
The proposed $2 trillion coronavirus relief bill includes provisions for quality printer paper Americans can use to construct a plane that’s sturdy but lightweight; simple but ingenious. Plus, we take a closer look at candy bars: Could America’s favorite vegetable be making you fat?Read more...
on (#54Q49)
NEW YORK—Commenting that there was “no way” the restaurant’s sanitation efforts were even close to acceptable, disgusted patio diner Caitlynn Simmons told reporters Wednesday she was pretty sure she just saw coronavirus scurry past her and into the bushes. “It was so gross, it ran from the inside of the restaurant…Read more...
on (#54Q4A)
The 93rd Academy Awards, originally scheduled for February 2021, will be postponed until April to allow filmmakers more time to create and release their movies in the wake of the pandemic. What do you think?Read more...
on (#54Q4B)
STILLWATER, OK—Condemning the choice to promote such a blatantly bigoted organization, the entire Oklahoma State football team announced their intention Tuesday to boycott the season after Coach Mike Gundy was seen wearing an NCAA shirt. “The NCAA logo represents the very exploitation and racial injustice so many of…Read more...
on (#54NWT)
Lackluster fundraising efforts have led to serious financial struggles for the gun-rights advocacy group, but that might be about to change. Hear how the NRA is convincing more people than ever before to donate to their cause, and how you might be next.Read more...