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The Onion

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Updated 2025-07-04 09:30
‘Sex And The City’ Reboot Will Not Include Kim Cattrall
Three of the original stars of HBO’s Sex And The City will reprise their roles for a reboot of the series 17 years after it went off the air, though the show’s fourth lead, Kim Cattrall, will not be returning. What do you think?Read more...
Pope Francis Warns Seals On Jesus’ Tomb Are Weakening
VATICAN CITY—As he called on the world’s 1.3 billion Catholics to pray for the bonds restraining the messiah to hold fast, Pope Francis warned Tuesday that the seals on Jesus’ tomb were weakening and Christ could escape at any moment. “Citizens of the world, brace yourselves, for soon the Risen Lord will roam the…Read more...
Trump Doubles Down And Offers Bill Belichick 3 Presidential Medals Of Freedom
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Hallmark Asks Senators Hawley And Marshall To Return Political Donations
Greeting card company Hallmark, whose PAC donated $3,000 to Josh Hawley (R-MO) and $5,000 to Roger Marshall (R-KS) for their 2020 Senate races, is asking for their campaign contributions back, saying the senators’ objections to the election certification “do not reflect our company’s values.” What do you think?Read more...
Nation Settles On Being Home To Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame As New Foundation For American Exceptionalism
CLEVELAND—Concluding that the museum was now the country’s most praiseworthy, distinguishing feature, the United States reportedly resolved Tuesday that being home to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame would serve as the new foundation for American exceptionalism. “While our claim to be the world’s foremost democracy is…Read more...
Child Weirded Out After Bumping Into Teacher Outside Laptop
ARTESIA, NM—Still shaken after a surprise encounter with the 37-year-old educator, local first-grader Micah Dunn was reportedly weirded out Tuesday after bumping into his teacher outside of his laptop. “Mrs. Evans was walking around without moving out of frame—it was super weird,” said Dunn, who recalled feeling…Read more...
5 Things To Know About The Covid-19 Mutations
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Report: Leading Cause Of Death Still Venturing Beyond The Pines
Nearly 2.3 million Americans die each year from wandering into the ethereal black pine forest. Hear how you can heed the warnings of grizzled woodsmen and lonely widowers to keep from succumbing to alluring calls from beyond the trees.Read more...
Amazon Suspends Parler From Web-Hosting Service After Google, Apple Remove App From Stores
Amazon suspended web-hosting services for Parler one day after Google and Apple removed the social networking app from their app stores for failing to regulate users’ posts that promote violence. What do you think?Read more...
‘Jeopardy!’ Producers Regretting Making Every Answer Of Memorial Episode ‘Alex Trebek’ <RoM>
CULVER CITY, CA—Wincing as each correct answer ballooned the episode’s budget, Jeopardy! producers told reporters Thursday they were now regretting their decision to make “Alex Trebek” the correct response to every clue in their first installment without the iconic host. “In retrospect, we should have just done one…Read more...
FBI Narrows Down Identity Of Red-Faced Man Carrying Confederate Flag Through Capitol To Millions Of Americans
WASHINGTON—Stressing that they were pursuing all leads to bring the individual to justice, the FBI reported Monday that it had been able to narrow down the identity of a red-faced man carrying a Confederate flag through the U.S. Capitol Building to several million Americans. “Thanks to plentiful photographic evidence…Read more...
GOP Senators Call On Trump To Resign
Senators Lisa Murkoski of Alaska and Pat Toomey of Pennsylvania say President Trump should resign after his supporters stormed the Capitol last week in an attempt to overturn the election results and assassinate members of Congress. What do you think?Read more...
D.C. Police Preemptively Deploy 3 Officers For Inauguration Day
WASHINGTON—With the swearing in of the 46th President scheduled to occur a mere two weeks after a mob of angry, far-right rioters stormed the U.S. Capitol, the Washington, D.C. Police preemptively deployed three officers to oversee the upcoming Inauguration Day ceremonies, sources confirmed Monday. “In order to ensure…Read more...
Man Excited To Get Tattoo That Will One Day Be Used To Identify His Corpse
MURFREESBORO, TN—Poring over the shop’s book of designs for what he didn’t yet know would soon be his only defining feature, local man Brendan Lyons was reportedly excited Monday to get the tattoo that will one day be used to identify his corpse. “This is going to be my first tattoo, so I want to get something unique…Read more...
The Aghast Supper
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‘Vampire: The Masquerade Bloodlines 2 First Blood Edition’ Has Way Too Long Of A Title To Really Say Much About It In This Headline
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Government Lobbyists Call For Members Of Congress To Play A Little Harder To Get
Hear why lobbyists across many industries are growing concerned with just how easy it’s becoming to undermine the American public.Read more...
Betsy DeVos Apologizes For Ever Being Complicit With Something As Toxic As Public Education
WASHINGTON—Following her decision this week to resign as President Trump’s education secretary, Betsy DeVos apologized Friday for ever being complicit with anything as toxic and reprehensible as public education. “I can no longer associate myself with an administration that, despite its many achievements, has failed…Read more...
How To Make New Year’s Resolutions In A Pandemic
January is traditionally a time when people make resolutions for themselves to improve their lives , but the realities and restrictions of the Covid-19 pandemic are throwing many for a loop. The Onion offers advice for making new year’s resolutions during a pandemic.
Department Of Agriculture Warns Of 37% Decline In Soybean Yield Following Stillborn Birth Of Albino Calf
WASHINGTON—Advising farmers to ward off potential famine by burning 10 slaughtered goats in a cross on their fields, the Department of Agriculture warned Friday that 2021 would see a 37% decline the soybean harvest following reports of an albino calf being stillborn in rural Idaho. “This is an ominous portent,…Read more...
Pro-Trump Rioter Trying To Figure Out What To Do With Looted Devin Nunes
READING, PA—Struggling to find a spot in his home in which the memento didn’t look mismatched or out of place, local pro-Trump riot participant Peter Bruckner, 43, told reporters Friday he was still trying to figure out what to do with his looted Devin Nunes. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great piece of memorabilia,…Read more...
Eerily Silent Charmin Twitter Account Apparently Condones Attack On Capitol
MEHOOPANY, PA—In a move raising serious doubts about the toilet paper giant’s core allegiances, the Charmin Twitter account remained eerily silent Friday in an apparent show of support for pro-Trump rioters who stormed the U.S. Capitol building. “While most Americans were expressing their shock and dismay about this…Read more...
Hundreds Killed In Brutal Pro-Something-Anti-Something Clash
Hear how public demonstration and counter-demonstrations have been sparked by renewed vows from pro-something leaders to get the thing they want, which is the complete opposite thing that anti-something leaders want.Read more...
‘I’ve Been Selfish And Arrogant, And I Apologize,’ Says Content, Mentally Healthy Trump Minutes After Social Media Ban
WASHINGTON—Projecting a calm, measured assurance as he reflected on his personal shortcomings, a content and mentally sound President Trump told reporters just minutes after his ban from social media Thursday that he had been “selfish and arrogant,” and he apologized unconditionally for his behavior. “I’ve lied to…Read more...
‘This Apology Is Bullshit And I Am Lying To You,’ Says GOP Senator To Widespread Media Praise
WASHINGTON—In a speech addressing the rioters who stormed the U.S. Capitol the previous day, GOP Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) released a statement to widespread media praise Thursday saying “this apology is bullshit and I am lying to you.” “Nothing—and I repeat, nothing—I’m saying about the violent attack on Washington…Read more...
Josh Hawley Condemns Pro-Trump Rioters For Upstaging His Own Theatrics
WASHINGTON—Calling the mob’s timing “absolutely unacceptable,” Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO) condemned pro-Trump rioters Thursday for upstaging his own theatrics. “Yesterday, I was shocked and disappointed to see a destructive mob break through the Capitol building’s security and overshadow my own planned grandstanding,”…Read more...
Most Popular Martial Arts In The U.S.
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Democrats Declare Nation Has Given Them Clear Mandate To Squander
WASHINGTON—Declaring the American people’s message had been heard loud and clear, Democratic Party leadership released a statement Thursday stating that the nation had given them a clear mandate to squander. “Last night, we received an undeniable victory from voters that made one thing abundantly clear: The time for…Read more...
43 Deaths Linked To Novelty Inflatable Heart Implant
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North Korea Holds Quiet, Low-Key Nuclear Test Just For Self
PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—Referring to the event as a simple, no-frills detonation among close friends, state officials confirmed Thursday the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea recently held a quiet, low-key nuclear test just for itself. “To be honest, it doesn’t really matter how the international community responds…Read more...
Nation’s Most Insane-Looking Lawyers Enthusiastically Volunteer Services To Trump Rioters
WASHINGTON—Speaking from their legal practices in stripmalls, back alleys, and Holiday Inn guest suites, the nation’s most insane-looking lawyers enthusiastically volunteered their services on Thursday to any Trump supporters who participated in the Capitol riots. “Make no mistake, we will passionately represent the…Read more...
New Food Safety Law Requires Restaurant Workers To Take Full Bubble Bath After Using Restroom
Hear why health officials are recommending that anyone who works with food take a good 30 to 45 minutes to soak their body in a warm and fragrant bath anytime they use the restroom.Read more...
Trump Supporter Excited To Finally Disengage With Politics After Government Overthrow Finished
LAKEWAY, TX—Noting how long it had been since he had really gotten to relax and unplug, local Trump supporter Brian Fischer told reporters Wednesday he would be excited to finally disengage with politics once the overthrow of the government was complete. “I’m telling you, as soon as Washington burns and our vicious…Read more...
Nation Tells Drake They’ll Get Around To Looking At His New Haircut When Things Less Hectic
WASHINGTON—Reassuring the rap artist that they would get around to him in due course, the nation told Canadian rapper Drake Wednesday that they would get around to looking at his new haircut when things were less hectic. “We can tell that you’re excited to share your new look with everyone, but frankly, Drake, this is…Read more...
D.C. Police Lose Control Of Rioting Trump Supporters After Hundreds Of Officers Called Away To Deal With Black Jaywalker
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Ted Cruz Makes Last Effort To Block Election Result By Unleashing Wave Of Locusts From Mouth To Black Out Sun
WASHINGTON—In a final attempt to prevent Joe Biden from assuming the presidency, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) reportedly tried to overturn the results of the 2020 election Wednesday by unleashing a wave of locusts from his mouth to black out the sun. “We must do everything we can to stop Democrats from taking control of the…Read more...
Why The Coronavirus Vaccine Is Being Delayed
The coronavirus vaccine’s rollout is reportedly experiencing delays across the country, with doses of the vaccine even expiring before they can be used, leading to concerns about what’s holding up distribution. The Onion investigates the reasons behind the delay of the vaccine distribution:
5 Things To Know About Trump’s Georgia Election Call
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New Mental Health Initiative To Add 10,000 Beds To Nation’s Prisons
WASHINGTON—In response to calls for the U.S. government to do more to address Americans suffering from psychological issues, a new mental health initiative unveiled Wednesday would reportedly add 10,000 beds to the nation’s prisons. “It’s vital that Americans suffering from mental health issues have the resources they…Read more...
Northwestern Hospital Apologizes After Accidentally Switching Couple’s Baby With Random Man In Emergency Room
Hear the unbelievable story of a couple who thought they were leaving the hospital with their newborn baby, only to find out years later that they had actually been sent home with a 63-year-old man named Jeff.Read more...
Poll Finds Being Stuck In Infinite Time Loop Biggest Issue For Obama-Trump-Obama-Trump Voters
WASHINGTON—Revealing a persistent concern within the pivotal voting bloc, a new poll from the Pew Research Center found Tuesday that being stuck in an infinite time loop was the biggest issue for Obama-Trump-Obama-Trump voters. “Among the thousands of individuals who voted Democrat in 2012, Republican in 2016,…Read more...
CDC Unveils List Of Twitter Accounts You Can Follow To Piece Together Vaccine Information
ATLANTA—In an effort to keep the public abreast of the latest developments in the Covid-19 pandemic, CDC director Robert R. Redfield unveiled a list of Twitter accounts Tuesday that Americans could follow to piece together vaccine information. “Following these reporters, medical researchers, and politically engaged…Read more...
Trump Encourages Georgians To Vote By Posting Photo Of Himself Casting Ballot
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Scientists Attempt To Convince Public To Take Covid More Seriously By Explaining Concept Of Death
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—As the 10-month-old pandemic continued its rampant spread and the nation’s death toll passed 350,000, top medical scientists attempted Tuesday to convince the American public to take Covid-19 more seriously by issuing a statement in which they patiently clarified the concept of death. “We just want…Read more...
Worrying Study Finds Today’s Tutorial Levels Not Adequately Preparing Players For Challenges Of World 8
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Offering a bleak assessment of gamers’ readiness for the future, a concerning study from Harvard University released Thursday found that today’s tutorial levels are not adequately preparing players for the challenges of World 8. “Our data have shown that despite completing the requisite time in practice…Read more...
Serial Killer Clearly Gunning For ‘Parking Lot Butcher’ Nickname
Hear why police believe this psychopath may be trying a little too hard to claim the moniker.
Chargers Interview Anthony Lynn To Fulfill Rooney Rule Obligations
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Rueful Trump Wishes He Knew Republicans This Willing To Overthrow Democracy Earlier In Term
WASHINGTON—Looking back in disappointment at all the opportunities that had been wasted, a crestfallen Donald Trump told sources Monday he wished he had known much earlier in his presidency how willing congressional Republicans were to simply overthrow democracy. “God, if I’d known how far all these senators were…Read more...
American People Guess They’ll Let Trump Stay President After Seeing How Badly He Wants It
WASHINGTON—Shrugging their shoulders as they admitted it made no difference to them either way, the American people confirmed Monday that they guessed they would let Donald Trump remain president after seeing how badly he wants it. “Sure, whatever—he seems pretty upset, and honestly, we never thought he’d put up this…Read more...
Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs
Uh, Greg…Read more...
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