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on (#5MKZE)
NEW YORK—Urging the Grammy-winning rapper to take as much time as he needed on the project, the nation assured Kanye West Monday that they don’t care enough about his forthcoming album, Donda, to justify him stressing so much about trying to release it soon. “We’ll give it a spin, but look, don’t wear yourself out,”…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-01-07 04:33 |
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on (#5MFNN)
“I have no idea how to swim.”Read more...
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on (#5MCWD)
Maine has become the first state in the country to shift costs of recycling from taxpayers to the companies that create consumer packaging, while also giving them the responsibility of disposing of nonrecyclable containers. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5MC90)
CORVALLIS, OR—Stressing that he was hesitant to get one until more evidence came to light, local man Jeff Bryan told reporters Monday that he was just waiting to observe the long-term effects of the Covid-19 vaccine over the next several eons. “Look, I get that people are saying it’s safe right now, but I think I’d…Read more...
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New Study Finds Only Way To Reverse Climate Change If Every Person On Earth Shares Single Chevy Volt
on (#5MC5G)
GENEVA—Calling it the surest path to avoiding catastrophic consequences for the planet, a new report by the Intergovernmental International Panel on Climate Change warned Monday that the only way to reverse climate change was for every person on Earth to share a single Chevy Volt. “Given the severity of the current…Read more...
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on (#5MC0N)
BURLINGTON, VT—Wondering if he should offer it to a friend or put an ad on Craigslist, 25-year-old Connor Latham told reporters Monday he wasn’t sure what to do with the shitty old roommate that came with his apartment. “I noticed it when I toured the place last month, but I just assumed whoever lived here was going…Read more...
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on (#5M822)
PHILADELPHIA—Furrowing his brow while paging through the newspaper’s arts and culture section, local 6-year-old Tyler Endicott reportedly struggled Thursday with whether to see Space Jam: A New Legacy after reading a negative review in The New York Times. “Obviously, I was excited to see Bugs and his pals dust off…Read more...
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on (#5M81H)
We woke up feeling good today, gamers. Maybe it’s the nice weather. Maybe it’s the vacation we have planned next month. Or maybe it’s just that things have generally been looking up lately. Either way, we’re feeling magnanimous, and ah, what the hell—we want to do something nice for you.
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on (#5M81J)
WASHINGTON—Giving voice to their uncertainty in a historic display of civic indecision, tens of thousands of Americans who still haven’t made up their minds joined a massive demonstration on the National Mall Thursday to express their ambivalence. “We don’t feel strongly one way or another, and we demand to be heard!”…Read more...
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on (#5M6XA)
BOULDER, UT—In a process that officials explained the state had been carrying out for decades, the Utah Division of Wildlife Resources reportedly completed their annual restocking of a lake Wednesday by dropping thousands of fishermen from a plane. “We wish the population would replenish itself naturally, but…Read more...
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on (#5M6MF)
ST. LOUIS—Repeatedly thwarted in their efforts to bring some new perspectives to the C-suite, agrochemical company WFM Industries shared with reporters Wednesday that they were struggling to find diverse leadership candidates among the CEO’s golf buddies. “Increasing diversity at the executive level is a top priority…Read more...
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on (#5M6MG)
TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES, NM—Attempting to placate the visibly livid man, sources confirmed Wednesday that the gate attendant at Spaceport America had offered Richard Branson a hotel voucher after informing him the Virgin Galactic flight was fully booked. “We routinely overbook flights to keep prices low, and hope that…Read more...
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on (#5M6HX)
Legends are made and legacies are secured in the spotlight of the NBA Finals, where a transcendent performance can forever seal a spot as one of the greatest NBA players ever, or a bad one can forever seal your fate as Karl Malone. Here are The Onion’s greatest NBA finals performances of all time.Read more...
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on (#5M6BP)
Cable news network MSNBC launched on July 15, 1996, and has delivered its share of highs and lows over its 25-year history. The Onion looks back at the most important events in MSNBC’s history on its 25th anniversary.
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on (#5M65K)
LINCOLN, NE—Stressing it was having a nice, relaxing time, the scrotum of local man Justin McMaster was not in a big hurry to peel itself away from his leg, crotch sources confirmed Wednesday. “I’ve got a nice little situation going here with my skin sack pressed up real tight against the inner thigh, so I’m thinking…Read more...
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on (#5M65J)
Fine jewelers say they saw massive spikes in demand and sales in April and May for engagement rings, following more access to Covid-19 vaccinations throughout the United States. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5M4ND)
Dubai has opened the world’s deepest dive pool, which has a depth of 196 feet, holds enough water to fill six Olympic-sized swimming pools, and features an “abandoned” sunken city for divers to explore. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5M4NB)
Hey, gamers! There’s a lull in summer gaming news and we don’t know what to publish today, so here are the definitive instructions on how to bake your Nintendo Switch into an apple pie!
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on (#5M41E)
STANFORD, CA—A new study released Monday by researchers from the Stanford Center on Poverty and Inequality found that 70% of Americans have less than $1,000 saved to go to space. “Our research suggests that the vast majority of Americans may be woefully unprepared for the dawn of the new space age,” aid study…Read more...
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on (#5M3ZQ)
You might not realize it, but many beloved TV shows from the U.S. actually aren’t created here, and are instead stolen from foreign countries due to a lack of American ingenuity. Here are the international origins behind some of your favorite television programs.Read more...
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on (#5KTC4)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to educate the opposition party on the true value of civic engagement, congressional Democrats staged an elaborate 4th of July pageant Friday in an effort to teach their Republican colleagues the importance of democracy.
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on (#5KTCP)
WASHINGTON—Vowing to never again make the same mistake, the U.S. Department of Labor announced Friday that they would stop obsessing about counting jobs and just enjoy the economy for what it already is. “We’ve gotten so caught up with the whole jobs counting thing over the years that we forgot to appreciate all that…Read more...
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on (#5KSY4)
A new hybrid car-aircraft prototype, which can transform from plane to road vehicle in under three minutes, has completed a 35-minute flight between two airports in Slovakia. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5KRWD)
A California man has been arrested for allegedly stealing 21 tons of pistachio nuts valued at over $100,000 from an agricultural company, with authorities eventually finding the nuts hidden inside a nearby trailer and already packaged for resale. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5KRNM)
TAOS, NM—Former U.S. secretary of defense Donald Rumsfeld passed away Wednesday at 88 years old, sources confirmed, and is survived by 1 million fewer Iraqis. “It is with tremendous sorrow that we share the passing of an American icon, whose legacy in decades of shaping U.S. foreign policy will be felt by the hundreds…Read more...
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on (#5KRJH)
TAOS, NM—Raising tensions between the relatives to a fever pitch mere moments after the patriarch’s demise, the family of Donald Rumsfeld immediately began squabbling over who would inherit his collection of mounted heads of Iraqi civilians, sources confirmed Thursday. “Grandpa would want me to have them since he…Read more...
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on (#5KRJJ)
DEARBORN, MI—In what the auto manufacturer described as its boldest step yet in an ongoing effort to “be kinder to the planet,” Ford announced Thursday that its entire 2022 line of vehicles would come equipped with environmentally friendly brown paper airbags. “To help conserve natural resources, the bags in our…Read more...
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on (#5KQDM)
WASHINGTON—Calling the legislation “long overdue,” the U.S. Senate passed a bill Wednesday wishing younger generations the best of luck stopping climate change. “As devastating wildfires, flooding, and droughts sweep our planet, there has never been a more urgent time to shift the responsibility onto someone else,”…Read more...
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on (#5KQCH)
NEW YORK—Entering the studio at 30 Rockefeller Plaza to thunderous applause from the surprised audience, the members of Yugoslavia reunited Tuesday night on The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon. “What’s up, guys? Everyone looks great! It’s taken so long to get everyone together—not naming names, Kosovo—but we are…Read more...
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on (#5KQA3)
Record heat has hit parts of the Pacific Northwest as part of a general trend of global warming, putting people unused to such extreme heat in potential danger. The Onion offers helpful tips for staying safe during a heat wave.
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on (#5KQA4)
NEW YORK—In a stunning turn of events likely to forever alter the organization’s makeup, a power-hungry goose seized control of the Audubon Society in a bloody coup Wednesday, sources monitoring the situation confirmed. “What began as a typical Audubon Society executive meeting came to a sudden halt after a…Read more...
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on (#5KP16)
LAS VEGAS—Finding himself escorted from the premises as soon as his transgression came to light, professional poker player Curt Manginis was banned from The Venetian Casino’s Texas hold ’em tournament Tuesday for deceiving his opponents by knowingly betting on a weak hand. “Curt just kept raising and raising so we…Read more...
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on (#5KMM6)
Banish that hangover by eating a large, well-balanced pile of medicine.Read more...
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on (#5KMCR)
BALTIMORE—Dashing hopes of a return to the Earth’s only natural satellite, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration played down plans for another Moon mission Monday, explaining that Apollo 11 astronaut Neil Armstrong was the only person who knew how to get up there. “Unfortunately, despite repeated attempts…Read more...
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on (#5KM6S)
NEW YORK—In a blistering condemnation of the 24-year-old multiplatinum recording artist, a coalition of music critics and pop culture writers held a press conference Monday to excoriate Lorde, explaining that they just felt it was time for them to begin laying into her as hard as they could. “Lorde has gone almost a…Read more...
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on (#5KM65)
WASHINGTON—Barging into your bedroom and turning on the lights, the nation’s moms announced Monday that there was no way in hell you’re sleeping until noon every day this summer. “I don’t care if you have to go to bed early every night, if that’s what it takes, but you’re not about to just piss away your summer…Read more...
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on (#5KHSA)
Rudy Giuliani’s law license has been suspended in New York state after an appellate court found that he made “demonstrably false and misleading statements” about the 2020 election. What do you think?Read more...
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