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Updated 2025-09-19 04:17
What’s Driving The Competitive Housing Market
The past year has seen the most demand for housing since before the 2008 crash, and both real estate market experts and potential home-buyers are trying to understand what’s driving it. The Onion looks at the factors driving the competitive housing market.
Aaron Rodgers Nods Along With Blank-Faced Stoicism As ‘Jeopardy!’ Contestants Talk About Their Loving Families
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U.S. Criticized For Giving $1 Trillion To Military Contractor To Develop Hat That Didn’t Work
WASHINGTON—In an unusually scathing report issued Tuesday by the Government Accountability Office, investigators found that the Pentagon had paid a military contractor approximately $1 trillion over 15 years to develop a hat that still did not work. “The hat is constructed of some real state-of-the art, space-age…Read more...
Tough: The New TMNT Game Follows A European Trip Where The Turtles Realize Their Fervent Italian-American Pride Has Little In Common With Modern Italian Life
When publisher Dotemu announced they were coming out with an all-new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game, everyone on our staff was over the moon imagining our favorite mutant fighters once again hitting the mean streets of New York to brawl it out with archenemies like Krang or Beebop and maybe even scrounge up a…Read more...
STEP BY STEP: How Do Black Holes Work?
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Sophia Fan Disillusioned Upon Learning Robot Artist Comes From Money
LOS ANGELES— Following the $668,000 sale of a digital painting by Sophia, local fan Kerry Hayes reportedly became disillusioned with the mononymic robot artist Tuesday upon learning that she came from money. “Surprise, surprise—Sophia’s upbringing involved a great deal of money and connections,” said the disappointed…Read more...
Generous Friend Willing To House-Sit For Nothing But Going Through Your Stuff
CHICAGO—Promising it was no big deal at all, your thoughtful and generous friend Margaret Caffrey announced Tuesday she was willing to house-sit for nothing but the opportunity to go through all your stuff. “I’m more than happy to hold down the fort [and rummage around in your personal belongings] while you’re out of…Read more...
Superficial Public Only Paying Attention To Glacier Because It Dropped 17 Billion Pounds
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Man Finds 15,000 Bees In Car
A man returning to the parking lot after grocery shopping found an estimated 15,000 bees inside his car, which experts say likely happened after the swarm followed the queen bee through the vehicle’s open window. What do you think?Read more...
NCAA Men’s Title Game Begins With Moment Of Silence Honoring Regular Season Games Lost To Covid-19
INDIANAPOLIS—Asking those in attendance to lower their heads in memory of the shared sacrifice the entire nation made over the last year, the NCAA men’s title game opened Monday evening with a moment of silence to honor the regular season games lost to Covid-19. “A lot of people worked really hard to make sure this…Read more...
Tampa Wastewater Reservoir On Brink Of Collapse
Hundreds were ordered to evacuate the Tampa Bay area due to a wastewater reservoir on the brink of collapse that could unleash 340 million gallons in a possible 20-foot high wall of water containing fertilizer runoff. What do you think?Read more...
Kellogg’s Condemns Georgia Voting Laws In Call To Overthrow Government With Absolute Cerealocracy
ATLANTA—Declaring that U.S. companies had an obligation to oppose a new state bill restricting voting rights, Kellogg’s reportedly condemned Georgia’s voting laws Monday in a call to overthrow the government and install an absolute cerealocracy. “These anti-democratic measures represent yet another clear indication…Read more...
Biggest Games Of Spring 2021
A heartwarming co-op adventure game, this title proves that any relationship can be saved with the help of magical transmutation and a sentient book.Read more...
Pope Francis Rewards Gonzaga With Rich, Sprawling Fiefdom For Bringing College Basketball Under Vatican Control
VATICAN CITY—Promising the victorious NCAA champions lands resplendent with game, wheat, and olive groves, Pope Francis announced Monday that he was awarding the men’s basketball team of Catholic Gonzaga University with rich, sprawling fiefdoms for bringing college basketball under Vatican control. “These brave…Read more...
Man Opposes Taxing Rich Because He Knows One Day He Could Find $20 Bill On Ground
VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Arguing that the nation’s top earners shouldn’t be punished simply for being successful and making a lot of money, local car wash attendant Christopher Jacobson told reporters Monday he opposed taxing the rich because he knew one day he might find a $20 bill on the ground. “You never know, I could…Read more...
Report: Today Not One You Will Remember
YOUR LOCATION—Noting the complete lack of memorable details to help the date stick in your mind, sources confirmed Monday that today isn’t one you’re going to remember. “We’ve found that this 24-hour period will make zero impression on you in the long run,” said sources, adding that the current day would be neither…Read more...
Blake Griffin Delays Practice Once Again To Prove He Can Still Dunk Over Kia Optima
BROOKLYN, NY—Promising his increasingly bored teammates that he just needed another few attempts to get warmed up, center Blake Griffin delayed Nets practice once again Monday to prove he could still dunk over a Kia Optima. “Jesus Christ, he’s been at this for an hour—it’s getting hard to watch,” said shooting guard…Read more...
How To Lose Weight Fast
While shedding those extra pounds can be a frustrating process, know that there are always plenty of quick, easy, non-FDA approved solutions out there. Here are some of the best, most effective ways to lose weight fast.Read more...
U.S. Military Accused Of Covering Up Hundreds Of Unexplained ELO Sightings
ARLINGTON, VA—Detailing and providing blurry photos of incidents that go back almost 50 years, activists accused the U.S. Military Monday of covering up hundreds of unexplained ELO sightings. “We’ve spoken with people all across the country who claim to have been taken aboard an ELO tour bus only to wake up days later…Read more...
Considerate Driver Leaves Note On Dog He Hit With Car
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‘Aspirational’ Amtrak Map Depicts Train Car Married, Happy, With Little Caboose Baby
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Russia Registers First Covid-19 Vaccine For Animals
Russia claims to have registered the world’s first coronavirus vaccine for animals in an effort to protect vulnerable species and thwart viral mutations being passed back and forth between humans and animals. What do you think?Read more...
Vaccine Dose Reminds Sedentary Man What Muscle Soreness Feels Like
POWELL, OH—Deciding to take the rest of the day off to recover, local sedentary man Clay Broderman was reportedly reminded Friday what muscle soreness felt like after receiving his first dose of Pfizer-BioNTech Covid vaccine. “What the hell is happening—what is this strange sensation I’m feeling in my upper arm right…Read more...
Tinder Introducing Background-Check Feature
Tinder, whose parent company Match Group also owns OKCupid and Hinge, will be introducing an in-app feature later this year that performs background checks on potential dates to flag any violent crimes. What do you think?Read more...
Tips For Adjusting To Regular Post-Pandemic Socializing
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Matt Gaetz Claims Sex Trafficking Allegations Stem From Powerful Enemies In Ms. Bassman’s Geometry Class
WASHINGTON—Dismissing the accusations as a conspiracy by his political opponents to take him down, Rep. Matt Gaetz reportedly claimed Friday that allegations of sex trafficking levied against him stemmed from powerful enemies in Ms. Bassman’s geometry class. “These spurious and completely false rumors are clearly the…Read more...
Tostitos Apologizes For Phoning It In This Year
PLANO, TX—Following an uncharacteristic lapse in rolling out new products, the Tostitos brand director reportedly apologized Friday for “phoning it in” this year and not delivering on tortilla chips the way they have in the past. “We know you trust Tostitos to bring you inventive tortilla chips in a wide range of…Read more...
Egg With Shell Dyed Bright Purple Must Have Gone Through Breakup Recently
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Pros And Cons Of Vaccine Passports
With a significant portion of Americans indicating opposition to getting a coronavirus vaccine, debate has risen over the potential use of vaccine passports, or digital vaccination records that could be required for travel or to enter certain establishments. The Onion evaluates the pros and cons of vaccine passports.
Billboard With Happy Family Inspires Estranged Dad To Almost Call Kids
DAVENPORT, IA—Pausing momentarily upon glimpsing the oversized photo of smiling children skipping through a meadow with their parents, estranged dad Ed Carroll, 47, told reporters Friday that a billboard with a happy family had almost inspired him to call his kids. “Boy, seeing the gleam in those kids’ eyes nearly got…Read more...
Bum Rush Hour
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Mom Remembers Old Days When You Could Let Kids Run Free On Thresher Without Supervision
SALEM, OR—Wistfully recalling the hours spent running and jumping around the machine’s high-powered, motorized blades, local mother Jessica Halpern told reporters Friday she missed the good old days when you could let kids run free on a thresher without supervision. “I remember growing up, there wasn’t always an adult…Read more...
Man Fined For Keeping Sharks In Basement Pool
A New York man was ordered to pay a $5,000 fine for illegal possession with intent to sell seven sandbar sharks discovered in an above-ground pool he kept in his basement. What do you think?Read more...
New York Legalizes Marijuana
New York has become the 15th state to legalize possession of marijuana for recreational use, while also expunging criminal records of marijuana-related offenses now considered legal. What do you think?Read more...
Serious Eats Criticized For Origins As Website To Rate Hotness Of Root Vegetables
NEW YORK—Facing backlash from staff, readers, and the culinary community at large, popular food website Serious Eats came under fire Thursday when its creator acknowledged it was originally set up for the purpose of ranking various root vegetables according to their physical attractiveness. “As much as it embarrasses…Read more...
MLB Opening Day 2021 Power Rankings: Top 12
The Dodgers are champions and coronavirus continues to wreck havoc on our expectations, but the 2021 MLB seasons still promises new beginnings. A clean slate, a wildfire set to burn out the underbrush of our expectations. Basically we are saying we have no idea if any of this is going to hold up in two months. Here…Read more...
Chauvin Defense Team Praises Officer’s Restraint In Not Killing Bystanders
MINNEAPOLIS—In an effort to highlight his client’s impeccable character, the defense attorney representing Derek Chauvin praised the former police officer Thursday for exercising great restraint by not killing bystanders. “As the video evidence shows, there were several bystanders standing only a few feet away during…Read more...
New Gun Control Measure Would Put Firearms In Difficult-To-Open Hard Plastic Packaging
WASHINGTON—In an effort to curb the deadly epidemic, Democrats put forward a new gun control measure Thursday that would require all firearms to be placed in difficult-to-open plastic clamshell packaging before being sold. “This bill, HR 1837, would make it illegal to sell any guns that aren’t ensconced in a confusing…Read more...
Biden Touted As Modern-Day FDR After Getting Tug Job From Cousin In Upstate New York
WASHINGTON—Applauding the commander-in-chief for channeling one of the United States’ most popular past leaders, media pundits touted President Joe Biden as a modern-day Franklin Delano Roosevelt Wednesday after he got a hand job from his cousin in upstate New York. “If you had told me during the primaries that the…Read more...
Man Living In Most Affluent Country In World History Has Nerve To Complain About Being Homeless
SAN FRANCISCO—Scoffing at his ignorance and petulance, sources confirmed Thursday that local man Clint Williams, despite being a resident of the most affluent country in the history of the world, had the nerve to complain about being homeless. “I mean, this is the wealthiest, most powerful nation in the history of all…Read more...
GOP Argues Government Shouldn’t Be Deciding Which Bridges Succeed Or Fail
WASHINGTON—In response to the $2 trillion infrastructure plan unveiled by President Joe Biden this week, Republicans on Capitol Hill spent much of Thursday arguing that it shouldn’t be up to the government to decide whether bridges succeed or fail. “We here in Washington should not be in the business of picking…Read more...
Chauvin Defense Team Attempts To Demonize George Floyd By Tying Him To High-Profile 2020 Murder
MINNEAPOLIS—In an effort to build a case supporting their client’s exoneration, the defense team of Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin reportedly attempted to demonize the late George Floyd Wednesday by tying him to a high-profile 2020 murder. “To convict Officer Chauvin on these charges is to blatantly ignore…Read more...
Modern-Day Bo Jackson Sucks At 2 Sports
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Spain: Kind Of Lost Touch With Them Over The Years, But We Hope Everything’s Going Well
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5 Things To Know About ‘Hemingway’
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Brood X Cicadas To Emerge After 17 Years Underground
Billions of Brood X cicadas are expected to emerge across dozens of states in the coming weeks after spending 17 years underground, a rare natural spectacle of the periodic insects that only come up once to breed and die. What do you think?Read more...
Arkansas Bill Bans Gender-Affirming Healthcare For Trans Youth
The Arkansas Senate passed a bill that would prohibit doctors from providing gender-affirming medical care to trans youth in what LGBTQ advocates are calling “the single most extreme anti-trans law to ever pass through a senate legislature.” What do you think?Read more...
Astronomers Concerned After Finding Melanoma In Previously Unexplored Corner Of Galaxy
BALTIMORE—Warning the disease could prove fatal for the galaxy if left untreated, a team of leading astronomers expressed grave concern Wednesday after their biopsy of a globular cluster from a previously unexplored corner of the Milky Way confirmed a diagnosis of melanoma. “It’s only a small growth right now, about…Read more...
Biden Unveils $2 Trillion Infrastructure Plan To Mail Every U.S. Citizen Envelope Of Wet Cement
WASHINGTON—In an address to the nation detailing the bold new vision for meeting the country’s transportation and structural needs, President Joe Biden unveiled a $2 trillion initiative Wednesday to mail every U.S. citizen an envelope of wet cement. “For too long, we’ve let our infrastructure fall into disrepair—the…Read more...
Matt Gaetz Vehemently Denies Wrist Full Of Sex Bracelets Has Anything To Do With 17-Year-Old
WASHINGTON—Claiming that dozens of multicolored bands adorning his wrist were entirely unrelated to the DOJ probe into his potential sex crimes involving a minor, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) vehemently denied Wednesday that his arm covered in sex bracelets had anything to do with a 17-year-old. “Yes, this orange one…Read more...
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