The Onion

WASHINGTON—Donald Trump’s attorneys argued Wednesday that the former president spoke metaphorically on Jan. 6 before the Capitol riots while telling supporters to rip the chamber doors off of their hinges and crush Nancy Pelosi’s skull. “While addressing the crowd on the National Mall, Donald Trump was only speaking…Read more...

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NEW YORK—According to a new report issued Tuesday by the United Nations Development Programme, were it not for the Covid-19 pandemic, you would be enjoying a pleasant, carefree ride on a carousel right now. “We found irrefutable evidence that in a hypothetical scenario in which the coronavirus outbreak has never…Read more...

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KANSAS CITY—Vowing to turn the heartbreaking Super Bowl defeat into something productive, Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes told sources Tuesday that he is using this loss as motivation to start appreciating what is actually important in life. “This is really going to light a fire under my ass to kick back, enjoy…Read more...

WALTHAM, MA—Apologizing for what it described as a regrettable lapse in editorial judgment, The New England Journal Of Teen Medicine retracted a flawed study Tuesday that had put forward evidence suggesting it was impossible to get pregnant the first time you had sex. “We conducted a formal review of the study after…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Visibly exhausted from his hours-long binge, Christopher Nolan was reportedly still no closer to understanding the end of Tenet Tuesday after watching dozens of YouTube explainer videos. “Wait, so what the hell was that turnstile thingy?” said Nolan, pausing a 35-minute long video and rubbing his eyes as…Read more...

Paul Grisham, 91, has been reunited with the wallet he lost while working as a U.S. Navy meteorologist in Antarctica in 1967 after it was discovered hidden behind a locker at McMurdo Station. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Stating that the pop star had made great strides in managing her mental health, the nation’s media outlets reported Monday that Britney Spears was well enough to be released back into their sole custody. “We think the singer has achieved a level of mental fitness to once again be placed completely in the…Read more...

BOSTON—Calling it one of the most meaningful purchases a person ever makes, romance etiquette experts told reporters Monday that it was customary to spend the equivalent of three months’ salary on a Valentine’s Day teddy bear for one’s significant other. “If you’re serious about asking someone to be your Valentine,…Read more...

CHICAGO—Wiping tears of joy from their eyes while describing an emotional early-morning commute, onlookers told reporters Monday that they’d realized the beauty of love again after seeing a dead-eyed man swiping right on every Tinder profile. “I don’t know if it was the way he was blowing through women without even…Read more...

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LACONIA, NH—Riding high off the casual bet he placed on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, local man Josh Hibbert confirmed Monday that he was hoping to turn his $250 Super Bowl winnings into an all-encompassing hunger that would ruin his entire life. “This was a nice, surprising little windfall, and I think it would be fun to…Read more...

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers won Super Bowl LV on Sunday, with a final score of 31 to 9 against the Kansas City Chiefs. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Noting that the structures along the city’s sidewalks had adopted technology that appeared to come from at least 200 years in the future, local restaurant patrons observed Monday that outdoor dining solutions were now the most technologically advanced aspect of human civilization. “Since autumn, patio service…Read more...

NEW YORK—Grumbling over the federal official’s nitpicking behavior, sources told reporters Monday that local judge Galen Salerno was a real stickler about the Biological Weapons Anti-Terrorism Act Of 1989. “Jeez, this guy’s really putting on a big show about weapons of mass destruction,” said 29-year-old defendant…Read more...

Voting technology company Smartmatic filed a $2.7 billion lawsuit against Fox News on Thursday, alleging the network contributed to a disinformation campaign about the 2020 election results that defamed the business. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Weeping into his hands as he realized everything he worked for had been destroyed in an instant, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters Monday that the league has been bankrupted after receiving a bill for $6.3 trillion from the hospitals that employ the 7,500 healthcare workers who attended the Super…Read more...

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TAMPA, FL—Looking for even one place to express their jubilation over the first Buccaneers championship in nearly two decades, excited Tampa Bay residents reportedly wished Sunday that they had an actual city to tear apart in celebration. “What am I supposed to do—knock down a palm tree?” said diehard Bucs fan Greg…Read more...

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CINNAMINSON, NJ—Nervously eyeballing the appetizer tray after the last of the wings and nachos had been polished off, famished man Evan Lee Anders finally succumbed Sunday to the deceitful whisper of hours-old gameday deviled eggs at his Super Bowl party. “No, no, no, no, no, I can’t. I mustn’t,” said Anders, who…Read more...

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TAMPA, FL—Cackling to itself as a hush fell over the players and crowd at Raymond James Stadium, a Covid-19 particle took over the Super Bowl sound system and jumbotron Sunday, asking all American to bear witness to the end of “your so-called” society. “Hello all, hello, and welcome my friends to the beginning of the…Read more...

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OXNARD, CA—Constantly disrupting the Super Bowl party with his annoying interjections, sources close to Ian Evers, a self-proclaimed “non-commercial fan,” confirmed Sunday that he had asked “wait, so why did that guy just drink that beer?” during an advertisement for Miller Lite. “Who’s that guy? Is that good? Sorry,…Read more...

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FOXBOROUGH, MA—Moments after the titanic abominations burst from the realm’s mudpits into the brimstone-tinged air, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick bid a legion of monstrous linebackers to find the traitor Tom Brady and crush him, sources confirmed Friday. “Go! Go now! You know your task, you miserable wretch!”…Read more...

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PRINCETON, NJ—According to research published in the scientific journal Ecology And Evolution, biologists at Princeton University discovered Friday that the modern-day corn dog descended from an ancient aquatic sausage. “It may seem shocking, but the corn dog we know today evolved from a primitive ancestor known as …Read more...

Jeff Bezos announced that he’s planning to step down as the CEO of Amazon this summer, although he will remain in an executive capacity with the company he founded in 1994. The Onion provides an inside scoop on what Bezos plans to do next.

Evermore Park, a fantasy theme park located in Utah, is suing Taylor Swift after claiming her latest album Evermore infringes on their trademark. What do you think?Read more...

TAMPA, FL—When asked about his preparations for the upcoming Super Bowl game, Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady told reporters Friday that he had refused a request to throw a touchdown for a kid with cancer to avoid glorifying unhealthy lifestyles. “Look, if I toss a touchdown pass for this incredibly sick…Read more...

ATLANTA—Piling into motorcycles, biplanes, rowboats, and any other means of conveyance available to them, millions of Americans began scrambling for a coronavirus vaccine Friday after the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced thousands of doses were buried somewhere in California. “As soon as [CDC…Read more...

Andy Reid

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging that it would be painful for many Americans to cancel their plans for the cherished national tradition, Dr. Anthony Fauci warned the public Friday against holding any large-scale celebrations commemorating the historic February release of Johann Sebastian Bach’s 1708 cantata “Gott Ist Mein…Read more...

Hear why PETA is coming to the defense of these over-bread monstrosities that exist for the sole purpose of having fresh tomato paste extracted from their many teat-like protuberances.Read more...

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Recently released court documents show that the pharmaceutical company Merck was aware that some men reported experiencing suicidal ideation while using the anti-baldness drug Propecia, but chose not to include a warning on the treatment’s label. What do you think?Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Pointing out the inconsistency in her personal account of the Jan. 6 insurrection, republicans accused New York Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Thursday of not being anywhere near the place they told the Capitol mob she would be. “She was supposed to be in a room just off the Capitol rotunda, which is where…Read more...

The Canadian government on Wednesday declared the Proud Boys a terrorist entity, saying the alt-right, white nationalist group is a significant threat to national security due to their violent actions and racist, hateful rhetoric. What do you think?Read more...

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BURBANK, CA—Upending boxes in a vain effort to find his prized possessions, Marvel CEO Kevin Feige was reportedly panicking Thursday after his mom tossed out $3.6 billion of his superhero crap. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were still so into all this comic book junk,” said a defensive Leanne Feige, explaining to her…Read more...

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It looks dirty, and it’s doing a weird thing with its wings. Hear why it would be best if you just didn’t go near it.Read more...

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