The Onion

DAVENPORT, IA—Pausing momentarily upon glimpsing the oversized photo of smiling children skipping through a meadow with their parents, estranged dad Ed Carroll, 47, told reporters Friday that a billboard with a happy family had almost inspired him to call his kids. “Boy, seeing the gleam in those kids’ eyes nearly got…Read more...

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SALEM, OR—Wistfully recalling the hours spent running and jumping around the machine’s high-powered, motorized blades, local mother Jessica Halpern told reporters Friday she missed the good old days when you could let kids run free on a thresher without supervision. “I remember growing up, there wasn’t always an adult…Read more...

A New York man was ordered to pay a $5,000 fine for illegal possession with intent to sell seven sandbar sharks discovered in an above-ground pool he kept in his basement. What do you think?Read more...

New York has become the 15th state to legalize possession of marijuana for recreational use, while also expunging criminal records of marijuana-related offenses now considered legal. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Facing backlash from staff, readers, and the culinary community at large, popular food website Serious Eats came under fire Thursday when its creator acknowledged it was originally set up for the purpose of ranking various root vegetables according to their physical attractiveness. “As much as it embarrasses…Read more...

The Dodgers are champions and coronavirus continues to wreck havoc on our expectations, but the 2021 MLB seasons still promises new beginnings. A clean slate, a wildfire set to burn out the underbrush of our expectations. Basically we are saying we have no idea if any of this is going to hold up in two months. Here…Read more...

MINNEAPOLIS—In an effort to highlight his client’s impeccable character, the defense attorney representing Derek Chauvin praised the former police officer Thursday for exercising great restraint by not killing bystanders. “As the video evidence shows, there were several bystanders standing only a few feet away during…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to curb the deadly epidemic, Democrats put forward a new gun control measure Thursday that would require all firearms to be placed in difficult-to-open plastic clamshell packaging before being sold. “This bill, HR 1837, would make it illegal to sell any guns that aren’t ensconced in a confusing…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Applauding the commander-in-chief for channeling one of the United States’ most popular past leaders, media pundits touted President Joe Biden as a modern-day Franklin Delano Roosevelt Wednesday after he got a hand job from his cousin in upstate New York. “If you had told me during the primaries that the…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Scoffing at his ignorance and petulance, sources confirmed Thursday that local man Clint Williams, despite being a resident of the most affluent country in the history of the world, had the nerve to complain about being homeless. “I mean, this is the wealthiest, most powerful nation in the history of all…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In response to the $2 trillion infrastructure plan unveiled by President Joe Biden this week, Republicans on Capitol Hill spent much of Thursday arguing that it shouldn’t be up to the government to decide whether bridges succeed or fail. “We here in Washington should not be in the business of picking…Read more...

MINNEAPOLIS—In an effort to build a case supporting their client’s exoneration, the defense team of Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin reportedly attempted to demonize the late George Floyd Wednesday by tying him to a high-profile 2020 murder. “To convict Officer Chauvin on these charges is to blatantly ignore…Read more...

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Billions of Brood X cicadas are expected to emerge across dozens of states in the coming weeks after spending 17 years underground, a rare natural spectacle of the periodic insects that only come up once to breed and die. What do you think?Read more...

The Arkansas Senate passed a bill that would prohibit doctors from providing gender-affirming medical care to trans youth in what LGBTQ advocates are calling “the single most extreme anti-trans law to ever pass through a senate legislature.” What do you think?Read more...

BALTIMORE—Warning the disease could prove fatal for the galaxy if left untreated, a team of leading astronomers expressed grave concern Wednesday after their biopsy of a globular cluster from a previously unexplored corner of the Milky Way confirmed a diagnosis of melanoma. “It’s only a small growth right now, about…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an address to the nation detailing the bold new vision for meeting the country’s transportation and structural needs, President Joe Biden unveiled a $2 trillion initiative Wednesday to mail every U.S. citizen an envelope of wet cement. “For too long, we’ve let our infrastructure fall into disrepair—the…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Claiming that dozens of multicolored bands adorning his wrist were entirely unrelated to the DOJ probe into his potential sex crimes involving a minor, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) vehemently denied Wednesday that his arm covered in sex bracelets had anything to do with a 17-year-old. “Yes, this orange one…Read more...

Good tidings, Elder Scrolls fans! It’s been almost a decade since the last release in Bethesda’s beloved fantasy series, but it seems some cool new tidbits about the hotly anticipated sixth installment are just around the bend! Our hounds have been stalking series director Todd Howard through the evening, day in and…Read more...

After a giant container ship got stuck in the Suez Canal for nearly a week, delaying a significant percentage of global trade, many people are wondering how the international shipping system works, and how one ship fucking up utterly and getting stuck could impact so much of it. The Onion provides a guide to how…Read more...

ATLANTA—Stressing that no normal person would even do such a thing at this stage in the ongoing crisis, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Wednesday that, frankly, it was kind of embarrassing to get coronavirus this late in the pandemic. “Honestly, we’re far past the point where it wouldn’t be…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Admitting concerns that the full ramifications could never be reversed, experts reportedly voiced their worries Wednesday that students would fall behind after spending the past year in the U.S. education system. “We’re talking an entire year of critical intellectual and social development just completely…Read more...

NEW YORK—Meeting with an HR representative for his first day on the job, new Wells Fargo employee Kyle Menardi was walked through all the crimes he’ll be asked to commit, sources confirmed Wednesday. “The crimes we do here are pretty straightforward, and most new employees get a hang of how to do them within a couple…Read more...

Count Down, a new book by environmental and reproductive epidemiologist Dr. Shanna Swan, ties the use of industrial chemicals in everyday products to smaller penises, erectile dysfunction, and lower sperm counts. What do you think?Read more...

The biggest news in entertainment–March 2021.

Rapper Lil Nas X has released 666 pairs of modified Nike Air Max 97 shoes decorated with a pentagram pendant and containing a drop of real human blood, stirring controversy and selling out in under a minute. What do you think?Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Calling the infrastructure project an overture to a long-neglected corner of the country, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg announced a major $90 billion plan Monday to revamp America’s balsa wood bridges for miniature Americans. “Far too often, we have overlooked the transportation needs of our…Read more...

OMAHA, NE—Saying the new wellness program would give livestock valuable time away from the slaughterhouse, international meat retailer Omaha Steaks announced Tuesday it would begin offering 18 weeks of maternity leave to its cows. “Starting today, if a member of our herd gives birth, she can take up to four and a half…Read more...

YORKVILLE, IL—Decrying the depiction as “sacrilege,” local conservative Christian Elizabeth Dillon told reporters Tuesday she was deeply offended by a music video from rap artist Lil Nas X that implied Satan was a homosexual. “Nowhere in the Bible does Satan receive a lap dance, least of all from another man,” said…Read more...

DETROIT—Hastily altering the degree of expertise he was attempting to project, local liar Patrick Veith reportedly stated Tuesday, “I saw it a long time ago, or maybe I only saw part of it,” immediately backtracking on his claim from just seconds ago that he had seen the film Barry Lyndon. “It was in high school or…Read more...

AVON, CT—Making the proclamation with “99% certainty,” finance whiz Seth McTurner predicted Tuesday that the Dow would open at 9:30 a.m. tomorrow. “I’m calling it now: The Dow will open tomorrow morning at half past nine,” said McTurner, whose words were heeded by thousands of investors across the country who…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Concluding that almost every aspect of the country’s response had been a “complete and utter failure,” the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Tuesday that the U.S. was not prepared for a potential pandemic following a year-long simulation drill. “Over the past 12 months, we’ve seen…Read more...

Celebrated children’s author Beverly Cleary, one of America’s most successful writers with 91 million books sold worldwide and best known for her Ramona Quimby series, has died at 104. What do you think?

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Georgia’s new election law contains several controversial provisions, including one that specifically makes it illegal to hand out food and water to people waiting in long lines to vote. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Promising to assist nations that lack the bargaining power to negotiate with drug manufacturers, President Joe Biden issued assurances Monday that the United States would donate Covid vaccinations to impoverished countries as soon as officials had finished inoculating all of America’s trees. “We want our…Read more...

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GREENBELT, MD—Warning that the jam could cause major disruptions among intergalactic shipping networks, dismayed NASA officials announced Monday that a massive freighter was currently stuck between the Earth and the Moon. “We regret to inform you all that as of this morning, there’s a large supply ship currently…Read more...

SEARCY, AR—Saying he relied on a spontaneous, intuitive process he could not fully explain, a local man standing in line at Wendy’s Monday told reporters he knew his lunch order would come to him in the moment. “I never know exactly what I’ll say when I get up there, but I find it’s best to just go with the flow and…Read more...

“It’s Master Chief’s Sleep Number.” — CEO Bonnie Ross, on what the ‘343’ in 343 Industries stands forRead more...

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A case of a 2000 vintage Pétrus wine worth more than $6,000 a bottle and 300 vine shoots spent over a year on the International Space Station before returning to Earth to be tested by researchers to determine its effects. What do you think?Read more...

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Dr. Rachel Levine became the first out transgender federal official to be confirmed by the Senate, serving as assistant secretary of health at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. What do you think?Read more...

SAN DIEGO—Adopting the tactical maneuver immediately upon deployment at the San Diego Zoo, the Blanchard family of Chula Vista, CA fanned out into a classic wedge formation in order to assert, achieve, and maintain dominance of the sidewalk, sources confirmed Friday. “With the parents at the tip and the children…Read more...