The Onion

A series of winter storms battered much of the United States this week, setting records, disrupting daily life, and providing ominous glimpses of a climate-changed future. The Onion looks at some of the most eye-popping numbers from this week’s winter storms.

ORLANDO, FL—Sobbing that it was supposed to be her special day at the newspaper comic–themed water park, 27-year-old bride Clarissa Manks told reporters Friday that her bridesmaid ruined the entire Universal Studios Toon Lagoon bachelorette party by hooking up with Dudley Do-Right. “We were supposed to go on the…Read more...

LAKEWOOD, OH—Following a custom born out of cooperation and respect, local drivers reportedly pulled over to the side of the road Friday to let a pizza delivery guy through. “Gee, I hope it’s nothing serious like a big, hungry party,” said 48-year-old Rosanna Tuttle, who was just one of the dozens of drivers who…Read more...

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SYDNEY—Citing potentially dangerous messages suggesting the “hoax country” might pass legislation forcing the tech giant to pay for the content its users share, Facebook took down all posts Thursday that spread misinformation about the fictional nation of “Australia” on the social networking platform. “We had to take…Read more...

AUGUSTA, ME—In an effort to protect residents from the negative effects of consuming raw or undercooked shellfish, officials in Maine issued a boil lobster advisory for the entire state Thursday. “To reduce the risk of foodborne illness and ensure Mainers are eating crustaceans prepared in the juiciest, most succulent…Read more...

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DALLAS—Describing his memories of a nascent Slovenia, fresh off the heels of revolution, Mavericks star Luka Dončić shared a harrowing story Thursday about his homeland being torn apart by tyrannical referees. “We once had a beautiful country until the refs came and imposed their ways,” said Dončić, tearfully…Read more...

MINNEAPOLIS—Kicking back as it floated alone in 24 ounces of vinegar-based brine, a solitary dill pickle announced Thursday it was delighted to finally have the whole jar to itself. “Yeah, that’s it—soak it in!” the kosher spear said as it bobbed up and down in the brackish, pale green liquid, reportedly luxuriating…Read more...

NAGAKUTE CITY, JAPAN—Unable to prevent the small glowing forms from swarming around their equipment, developers announced Thursday that they had been forced to delay the planned opening of the Studio Ghibli theme park after curious forest sprites had overrun the construction site. “We need to raze this grove of trees…Read more...

CORONADO, CA—Lamenting the fact that he felt the need to hide beneath a wetsuit, an oxygen tank, and an aqualung life vest, onlookers told reporters Thursday that the Navy Seal they saw swimming in full tactical gear must have terrible body image issues. “It’s just so sad—this man is a perfectly fine-looking soldier,…Read more...

DEARBORN, MI—Saying the time was now to take decisive action on climate change, Ford CEO Jim Farley launched the company’s electric vehicle push Monday by having his buddy stand watch while he stole a battery from a parked Toyota Prius. “Bold plans like this will help ensure that Ford stays at the forefront of climate…Read more...

All right, that’s it, folks! After extensive conversation among the experts at the Onion Gamer’s Network Decision Desk, we are officially calling New Hampshire for gamers.

PALM BEACH, FL—Explaining that it was a totally normal occurrence and they shouldn’t be alarmed, local doctor Philippa Anaios reportedly assured the Limbaugh family Wednesday that it was normal for their deceased relative body’s to still be ranting about welfare queens hours after his death. “While I know it’s…Read more...

BURBANK, CA—Struggling to hide its disappointment, the marketing algorithm that came up with Cruella was reportedly hurt Wednesday to see people mocking the trailer. “I analyzed millions of data points and poured over 2.3 seconds of processing power into this film, and this is what I get?” said the algorithm, which…Read more...

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—In a broadcast rife with factual errors and inconsistencies, Newsmax TV host Greg Kelly falsely claimed Wednesday that one person died and 20 people were born at the Capitol riots. “The mainstream media wants to paint what happened at the Capitol building as some kind of bloody insurrection, but…Read more...

GILBERT, AZ—Residents and employees were reportedly celebrating Wednesday after the completion of a coronavirus vaccination drive finally returned a local nursing home to regular levels of depressing. “It’s just a relief to get everyone vaccinated so we can go back to the incredibly bleak day to day of our joyless…Read more...

MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA—Calling tournament organizers tone-deaf for their scheduling of the semifinal matchup, critics slammed the Australian Open Wednesday for pitting Serena Williams and Naomi Osaka against each other during Black History Month. “We expected tournament organizers to make efforts to lift up all Black…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Shaken by the mysterious glimpse into his own looming mortality, LeBron James contemplated retirement Wednesday after catching a glimpse of his 80-year-old self in the backboard’s reflection. “Oh God, what was that? What will become of me?” said the visibly disturbed 36-year-old, who expressed dismay over…Read more...

Clubhouse, an invite-only audio app, has recently been the subject of both praise and scrutiny. The Onion takes a deep dive into the biggest questions surrounding the new app.

SARASOTA, FL—Suspiciously scanning their social media profiles and contacting agents to look for any signs of discontent, the Baltimore Orioles management was reportedly concerned Tuesday after multiple players showed up to the first day of spring training in way too good of shape for baseball. “What are they up to?…Read more...

HALLSVILLE, TX—As he aimed his Winchester rifle at the stack of three large snowballs in his front yard, Texas man Bob Brookson was overheard notifying a snowman Tuesday that it was trespassing on private property and needed to go back to wherever it had come from. “Now, listen here, boy, I don’t want no trouble, so…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—In a late-breaking development currently throwing the entire street into a tizzy, sources confirmed Tuesday that someone needs to stop that man. “ Police! Anybody—he’s getting away,” said witness Lisa Oh, noting that the horrid man was rapidly disappearing down the block and would soon be out of sight.…Read more...

XI’AN, CHINA—Characterizing the third-century B.C. collection as not a tomb but an artist’s personal scrap heap, a team of historians confirmed Tuesday that the famed Terra-Cotta Army was the result of a perfectionist sculptor fucking up a single soldier statue thousands of times in an attempt to get it right. “The…Read more...

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Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has been blocked from Instagram for repeatedly sharing false information about the coronavirus and its vaccine as well as spreading conspiracy theories about Bill Gates and the world food supply. What do you think?Read more...

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VANCOUVER, WA—Unable to shake off an overall negative feeling he couldn’t attribute to anything in particular, local man Paul Carpenter confirmed Monday that something about the way society was exposed as a complete illusion over the past year was really getting him down today. “Maybe it’s just quarantine talking, but…Read more...

BOSTON, MA—Eyes darting across the chat window as they strained to divide their attention between the speakers, Certech Consulting employees reportedly watched in horror during a Monday morning video meeting as two coworkers who began talking at the same time just kept powering through. “Oh God, it’s been too long for…Read more...

NEW YORK—In an effort to recognize the brave sacrifices they made during the Jan. 6 riot, the New York City Police Benevolent Association reportedly honored Monday those law enforcement officers who were injured carrying out the Capitol attack. “When we reflect on the events of that day, let us not forget the scores…Read more...

SAN RAFAEL, CA—Sighing and shaking her head as speech bubbles rapidly popped up on her messaging app, 32-year-old Clarissa Johnston told reporters Monday that a happy birthday text to her mother had spiraled into a whole conversation. “All I wanted was to tell her to have a great day, but now it’s snowballed out of…Read more...

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The release of Framing Britney Spears, a documentary about the music icon’s experience in a conservatorship, has caused many to reexamine her career and its coverage by the media. The Onion looks at key moments in Britney Spears’ career.

ATLANTA—Tempering his criticism of modern-day stars like Donovan Mitchell, Shaquille O’Neal reassured NBA players Friday that his baseless cheap shots always come from a good place. “I want guys to know if I ever call you a ‘grimy stain on the game of basketball,’ I’m only trying to motivate you,” said O’Neal during a…Read more...

Yoshiro Mori, the president of the Tokyo 2020 Olympics, will step down from his position after remarks he made about women during a board of trustees meeting were leaked to the public last week. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—In an address Friday in which he urged immediate action to prevent his entire civilization from breaking apart, the melting king of Glacieria pleaded with members of the U.N. General Assembly to intensify their efforts to combat climate change. “Along every ice shelf, we watch as our whole way of life…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Calling the update “long overdue,” the Occupational Safety and Health Administration announced Friday that the agency had revamped the forklift certification process to feature a halfpipe portion. “We want to ensure that all forklift operators are able to safely perform cool kickflips, heelflips, tail…Read more...

An extremely rare yellow lobster caught along the Maine coast has been donated to the University of New England, which has named the unique crustacean “Banana.” What do you think?Read more...

An Atlanta Krispy Kreme doughnut shop belonging to Shaquille O’Neal, who also acts as a spokesperson for the franchise, was heavily damaged in a fire Wednesday morning. What do you think?Read more...

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. Gamers, this is bad. This is really bad. We don’t know how this happened exactly, but we were just playing a game of Super Mario Party a few minutes ago when Mario and Yoshi used a warp box at the same time and...dear God—emerged onto the board as a horrifying, fused monstrosity.

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CHINO HILLS, CA—Saying that the rookie point guard has more than earned the opportunity, LaVar Ball claimed Thursday that his son, LaMelo, was unhappy about being left off the NBA’s 50 Greatest Players Of All Time list. “He’d never say it to his coaches or teammates, but I know my son thinks he deserved to be on that…Read more...

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers celebrated their Super Bowl LV win over the Kansas City Chiefs on Wednesday with a boat parade along the Hillsborough River. What do you think?Read more...

CUPERTINO, CA—Touting the innovation as the next step in developing the workplace of the future, Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled rows of artificial wombs to reporters Thursday after announcing the company would begin manufacturing all its own employees in house. “Utilizing proprietary embryonic technologies and astounding…Read more...

Get ready to experience a roller coaster of emotions, Sony diehards. In a press conference early Thursday morning, the Japanese console maker ushered in the end of an era with the bittersweet announcement that they will stop production of the PlayStation 5.

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