The Onion

BEVERLY, MA—Explaining that minor inconveniences weren’t worth fretting over, laid-back local man Tom Glickstein told reporters Monday that he felt ready and able to take whatever the sandwich he was currently eating threw his way. “I always try to make the best of the situation at hand, so even if this sub tosses me…Read more...

Gamers, get ready to grab a great deal and run like your life depends on it! Mrs. Ableman from down the block just set out a steaming hot copy of Monster Hunter Rise out to cool on her windowsill, and you have mere moments to snatch it up before she comes back!

WASHINGTON—Declaring that they had reached a decision on their international response to the global pandemic, U.S. government officials reportedly vowed Monday to invade the next country that asks for Covid vaccine intellectual property. “We’ve heard the international community’s bitching and moaning about us forcing…Read more...

NEW YORK—In a chilling example to all who had borne witness, a fruit fly floating lifelessly in a glass of wine Monday was reportedly a somber reminder of the perils of gluttony. “A sad portrayal of what fate awaits those whose passionate appetites rage unchecked,” said bar patron Jeremy Mitchell, noting the heavy…Read more...

Federal agencies are investigating two possible incidents, including one near the White House last year, that appear similar to the mysterious directed-energy attacks being called “Havana syndrome” that caused debilitating symptoms for dozens of U.S. personnel in Cuba. What do you think?Read more...

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The FDA is taking steps to ban menthol-flavored tobacco products in a move praised by public health and civil rights groups, citing evidence that the products are more addictive than unflavored tobacco and marketed aggressively toward Black consumers. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Gasping as the first dog galloped across the Rose Garden and launched himself towards the airborne helicopter, White House officials watched in horror Friday as Major Biden pulled Marine One straight out of the sky. “Oh my god, how did he do that?” said presidential aide Jessica Reed as the German shepherd…Read more...

Whoa, OGN readers are definitely going to want to check this out! We’ve discovered a special deal that gaming aficionados will flip for: Any video game at any price is inherently an incredible value because video games are great.Read more...

Federal investigators executed a search warrant at the home and office of Rudy Giuliani, the former New York City mayor who led President Donald Trump’s legal team. The Onion examines the key findings federal investigators made in the search.

NEW YORK—Confused by the growing optimism when his rate of return was still suffering so much, devastated man Scott Buford questioned Friday how the economy could be recovering from the pandemic if he only made $4.1 million in Q1. “They say the economy is starting to boom in the wake of the Covid-19 pandemic, but I…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Jumping out from hiding spots and popping champagne when the Supreme Court justice turned on the lights in his office, a group of Democratic Party leaders reportedly threw a surprise retirement party Friday for Stephen Breyer hoping that he would just go with it. “We’re sorry to see you go, but it’s really…Read more...

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A Miami private school is refusing to employ anyone vaccinated against Covid-19 in a decision based on debunked misinformation that says vaccinated people could transmit something harmful to students, angering parents and returning employees alike. What do you think?Read more...

ROCHESTER, NY—Already feeling singled out by being the only one in class with leaves, branches, and a trunk, a walnut sapling confirmed this week it was sick of always having to explain Arbor Day at school. “I get it, I grew up in the forest, but why don’t any of the other kids have to stand at the front of the room…Read more...

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CLEVELAND—Claiming he has the skills to transform a franchise’s dinner parties, NFL analyst Mel Kiper spent Thursday’s draft touting offensive tackle Christian Darrisaw’s unprecedented etiquette rating from Miss Wiltshire’s finishing school for players. “You have to watch the tape and see this guy having tea, his…Read more...

Citizen Kane, often cited as the greatest movie of all time, lost its perfect score on film review aggregator site Rotten Tomatoes after a negative 80-year-old critique demoted it below movies like Paddington 2 and The Terminator. What do you think?Read more...

CLEVELAND—Lamenting that they had such bad luck finding good guys in the past, draft experts confirmed Thursday that the Miami Dolphins were just hoping to pick somebody nice for once. “We’ve wasted so many years drafting bad boys and it never works out,” said general manager Chris Grier, clarifying that the team…Read more...

LAS VEGAS—Capitalizing on the buzz surrounding high-profile exhibition fights, a promoter confirmed Thursday a boxing match between five-time world champion Floyd Mayweather and YouTuber and Instagram influencer Olivia Jade. “In partnership with Fanmio, Showtime, and Sephora, Mayweather is proud to add a second fight…Read more...

Well, this is the sort of news we love to hear! It’s been years since we heard a peep out of Valve about the elusive final installment in the Half Life trilogy but, in a recent announcement, the militant Islamist group al-Qaeda just claimed they are planning “something big that will change the world forever,” and you…Read more...

DENVER—Hoping to get the lay of the land before the day arrived, area mother Alice Zeitman was reportedly casing her local grocery store Thursday ahead of a big sale. “We need to make sure that the actual operation goes off without a hitch, so I’m gathering as much intel as I can ahead of time,” said Zeitman,…Read more...

CLEVELAND—Trembling as he gripped a sharp knife and debated which finger he needs the least, a terrified Zach Wilson cut off his pinky finger Thursday to get out of being drafted and shipped off to the Jets. “I’ve heard about what happens there, quarterbacks leave home and they never come back, I don’t want that to…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nomination would receive bipartisan approval from the Senate, sources inside the White House confirmed Thursday that Biden has tapped career diplomat Nicholas Burns to serve in his administration as White House pet. “Today, President Joe Biden announced his intent to nominate…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Admitting it was far too late into his line of questioning to backtrack, CIA interrogator David Fromm was reportedly embarrassed Thursday after realizing that he forgot to ask the suspect for his name. “God, I guess I’ll just have to keep calling him ‘buddy,’” said a blushing Fromm, who braced for the…Read more...

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CAMBRIDGE—Shedding new light on the diversity of the insect world, a team of Harvard entomologists announced Thursday that they identified a previously unclassified moth species that had evolved to fly out of poor people’s wallets. “Though sightings of this wallet-dwelling specimen have been reported for centuries,…Read more...

A 39-year-old man in Japan was arrested for defrauding at least 35 women of almost $1,000 by telling them he wanted a serious relationship as a way to get lavish gifts for his many made-up birthdays. What do you think?Read more...

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The CDC has eased the nation’s outdoor mask guidelines, saying unvaccinated Americans can go maskless outside alone or with members of their household while fully vaccinated people can forego masks outside completely unless in large crowds. What do you think?Read more...

Lawrence has been described as a generational talent that could transform a franchise, the kind of praise scrutinizing sports writers reserve for only 5-10 players per draft.Read more...

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PROVIDENCE, RI—Wiping beads of sweat from her brow as the web page’s 5-minute time limit rapidly approached zero, local woman Justine Nichols typed frantically Wednesday as a countdown threatened to release temporarily reserved show tickets. “Oh my God, oh my God, hurry up, I don’t have time for this,” whispered a…Read more...

ANN ARBOR, MI—Admitting that the shifty fish has managed to evade detection by mankind for thousands of years, researchers at the University of Michigan Museum of Paleontology discovered Wednesday that the coelacanth successfully faked its own extinction in order to escape a massive gambling debt. “For years we…Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Expressing annoyance at losing nearly a millennium of good work following the discovery, The Lord God Almighty was reportedly frustrated Wednesday after a Google search revealed that octopuses already exist. “Goddamnit, I’ve been filling up Moleskins with sketches of suction cup-covered tentacles and…Read more...

April 29 marks President Joe Biden’s 100th day in office, a milestone that is traditionally used to evaluate whether a president is keeping or deviating from their campaign promises. The Onion evaluates whether Biden kept his campaign promises.

A Texas woman was recently notified of an outstanding warrant for her arrest on felony embezzlement charges after not returning a Sabrina The Teenage Witch VHS tape 21 years ago to a now-closed rental store. What do you think?Read more...

According to E.U. officials, fully vaccinated American tourists will be allowed to visit countries within the European Union this summer, though there is no official timeline or approved system for determining passengers’ Covid-19 vaccination status yet. What do you think?Read more...

You might think the U.S. political system is crazy after the 2020 election, but it’s nothing compared to elections around the world. Here are some of the most heated and disputed transfers of power from all over the globe.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Responding to a brutal second wave of Covid-19 ravaging nations across the world, the United States announced Tuesday that they had sent developing countries 70 million vaccinated Americans. “We’re disturbed and heartbroken by the devastation that coronavirus has wreaked on India, which is why we’re sending…Read more...

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TOLEDO, OH—Assuring the potential customer that his guys were their best shot at a decent deal in town, a group of men with a pickup outside Peabody Funeral Parlor told a grieving family Tuesday that they would be able to bury their grandmother for much cheaper. “Trust me, you’re gonna get hosed if you stick with the…Read more...

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Some hair donation charities that make wigs for cancer patients are experiencing an influx in donations from people who delayed haircuts during the pandemic, with one charity receiving over 90 pounds of hair from one salon. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Responding with swift action to the outpouring of criticism for failing to honor the late Chadwick Boseman, panicking president of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences David Rubin held up Anthony Hopkins’ severed head in a Monday press conference while asking, “Does this help?” “To fans…Read more...

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Nomadland, the epic odyssey of American itinerants living out of vans as they search for work, won Best Picture at the 93rd Academy Awards while its director Chloé Zhao became the first woman of color to win Best Director. What do you think?Read more...