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Updated 2025-07-18 22:16
Popular New Podcast Just Mark Ruffalo Reading Names Of Murder Victims
NEW YORK—Noting its meteoric rise to the top of the charts, sources confirmed Wednesday that popular new podcast Ruff Stuff was just actor Mark Ruffalo reading out the names of murder victims. “I’m overwhelmed by the outpouring of positive reception, and grateful for the opportunity to create content that clearly…Read more...
The Johnson & Johnson Vaccine By The Numbers
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Previously Unheard Story About Mom’s Uncle Adds Intriguing Layer To Family History Of Mental Illness
PHILADELPHIA—Admitting that she was taken aback by the casually tossed-off anecdote, local woman Cara Wisher told reporters Wednesday that a previously unheard story about her mother’s uncle Glen added an intriguing layer to the family’s history of mental illness. “I had no idea that my great uncle would disappear…Read more...
Texas Governor Announces State’s Morgues Now Allowed To Operate At 100% Capacity
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Parakeet Unaware Its Companionship The Only Thing Stopping Man From Committing One Of Bloodiest Acts In American History
BOZEMAN, MT—Though he protects scores of innocent civilians every day of his life, several reports confirmed Wednesday that Java, a local parakeet, is unaware the companionship he provides is the only thing stopping his owner, area man David Markopolous, from committing one of the deadliest acts in U.S. history.…Read more...
Pros And Cons Of Sharing Vaccine Supplies And Technology
As coronavirus vaccine rollouts ramp up in countries where vaccines were developed, calls have grown for sharing supplies and technology with countries that currently lack vaccine access, but critics argue there will be complications. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of countries with vaccines sharing their…Read more...
New Military Diversity Initiative Aims To Make Leadership Look More Like Countries They Invade
WASHINGTON—In a move that officials from the Pentagon called long overdue, a new U.S. military diversity initiative unveiled Wednesday aimed to make leadership look more like the countries they invade. “It’s the 21st century, and it simply isn’t right to have a group of generals leading the United States Armed Forces…Read more...
Capitol Rioter Texted ‘Moron’ To Ex Who Then Turned Him In
A Pennsylvania man took a break from participating in the January 6th Capitol riots to text his ex-girlfriend that she was a “moron,” leading to his arrest after she gave the messages to the FBI. What do you think?Read more...
Publisher Assures Readers They Can Still Make Dr. Seuss As Racist As They Want With Power Of Imagination
SAN DIEGO—In an effort to stem criticism over their decision to no longer publish several books, Dr. Seuss Enterprises issued a statement Tuesday assuring readers they can still make the author as racist as they want with the power of imagination. “All you have to do is close your eyes while reading Go, Dog. Go!, and…Read more...
Former French President Found Guilty Of Corruption
A French court convicted former President Nicolas Sarkozy of corruption and influence peddling, suspending part of his sentence and recommending he serve only one year under house arrest. What do you think?Read more...
U.S. Allocates $500 Million For Mohammed Bin Salman To Use On Anger Management Counseling
WASHINGTON—In an effort to move past a tense diplomatic moment with the Gulf state, President Joe Biden announced Tuesday that the United States would allocate $500 million for Saudi Arabian crown prince Mohammed bin Salman to use on anger management counseling. “Despite obvious differences in opinion, it’s crucial…Read more...
Cherokee Chief Asks Jeep To Stop Using Tribe’s Name
The Cherokee Nation is calling on automaker Jeep to stop using the tribe’s name for two of its best-selling SUVs, as other companies and sports teams have already taken steps to remove racially and culturally inappropriate branding. What do you think?Read more...
A Timeline Of Chocolate
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Non Protest March
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Dappled Sunbeam Wasted On Corpse In Woods
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Wow: You Can Actually Just Press ‘L3’ To Talk To The Enemies In ‘Demon’s Souls,’ And It Turns Out They’re Really Nice
Ever since the release of the Demon’s Souls remake in November, we’ve been slashing our way through some of the toughest monsters gaming has to offer and exploring every nook and cranny of Hidetaka Miyazaki’s dark kingdom of Boletaria. Incredibly, though, we failed to pick up on this little Easter egg until today: You…Read more...
Justice Department Report Finds Majority Of Homicides Occur Before Opening Credits
WASHINGTON—Concluding an exhaustive analysis of the nation’s media, the Justice Department issued a report Monday confirming that the majority of homicides occur before the opening credits. “While Americans generally believe that murder is most prevalent at the climax or immediately before the commercial break, our…Read more...
Single-Dose Vaccine To Begin Distribution
A CDC advisory panel voted unanimously to recommend Johnson & Johnson’s Covid-19 vaccine, opening the way to start distribution of the nation’s first vaccine to only require a single dose and regular refrigerated storage early this week. What do you think?Read more...
No-Nonsense Negotiator Strong-Arms Landlord Into Fixing Toilet For Rent Increase
LOS ANGELES—Demonstrating her prowess as a no-nonsense negotiator, local woman Jocelyn Apter reportedly succeeded in strong-arming her landlord Monday into fixing her toilet in exchange for a rent increase. “I finally put my foot down and told him he needed to make the repair or else, and he was so surprised he agreed…Read more...
Half-Mast Flag Must Be Caught On Something
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Nation’s Monster Truck Rally Organizers Vow To Crush 100% Electric Cars By 2030
HOUSTON—Claiming the move was the only way to guarantee a fully renewable future of adrenaline-charged metal smashing, the nation’s monster truck rally organizers issued a statement Monday vowing to crush 100% electric cars by 2030. “For too long, we’ve sent trucks like the Devastator, Swamp Thing, and El Toro Loco…Read more...
Italy Landslide Drags Hundreds Of Coffins Into Sea
A landslide in Northern Italy sent over 200 coffins that were buried in a cliffside cemetery plummeting into the Ligurian sea, with recovery efforts expected to take days. What do you think?Read more...
Democrat Reassures Friend This One Of The Good Syrian Airstrikes
CHICAGO—Following a report Friday that Joe Biden’s first military action as president had killed at least 22 people at sites used by Iranian-backed fighters, local registered Democrat Tim Randall was overheard reassuring a friend that this was one of the good Syrian airstrikes. “No, no, don’t worry—these are the…Read more...
Israel Criticized For Denying Palestinians Spare Vaccines
With reportedly half its population already vaccinated, Israel is being criticized for sending excess coronavirus vaccines to the country’s allies while pledging only 5,000 doses to the millions of Palestinians living in Israeli-occupied territories. What do you think?Read more...
New Gym Member Already Seeing Positive Coronavirus Test Results
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Doctors Reassure Tiger Woods That You Don’t Have To Be In Good Physical Condition To Play Golf
LOS ANGELES—Gathering around the athlete’s bed to deliver the news of his prognosis, doctors at Harbor-UCLA Medical Center reportedly reassured Tiger Woods Friday that you don’t have to be in good physical condition to play golf. “Mr. Woods, you’ve sustained some serious damage to your lower extremities, but you’ll…Read more...
Chivalrous Snake Offers His Skin To Shivering Date
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Pakistan Deploys Rollerblading Police Unit
Police in Pakistan’s capital have deployed an armed rollerblading unit to curb theft and harassment, clarifying that the officers would only carry smaller handguns to avoid the risk of ricocheting bullets. What do you think?Read more...
Hockey Hall Of Fame Debuts Interactive Exhibit Letting Fans Play With Game-Used Teeth
TORONTO—In an effort to attract a younger audience by encouraging them to “reach out and touch” pieces of NHL history, the Hockey Hall Of Fame debuted an interactive exhibit Friday allowing fans to play with game-used teeth. “We’ve collected everyone’s molars from Bobby Orr to Chris Pronger, so fans can relive some of…Read more...
City’s Little Italy Now Down To Single Meatball
CHICAGO—Reflecting on the once-bustling neighborhood that had been significantly reduced over the years, local residents confirmed Thursday that all that now remained of the city’s Little Italy was a single meatball. “Back when I was growing up, the area stretched for a few blocks at least, and there were dozens of…Read more...
The Biggest Snubs From The 2021 NBA All-Star Game
Like clockwork every year dozens of deserving NBA stars get snubbed while useless, washed-up stars like Kevin Durant and LeBron James coast in on reputation alone. Here are Onion Sports’ biggest snubs from the 2021 NBA All-Star Game.
Frustrated Coronavirus Not Sure What More It Can Change About Self To Get With Vaccinated Grandmother
DES MOINES, IA—Pining after a woman it acknowledged it might never have, a frustrated coronavirus particle told reporters Thursday it was not sure how much more it could change about itself to get with local grandmother Beverly Milfay, who received her second dose of a Covid vaccine earlier this month. “I feel like…Read more...
This Murderer Was Released From Prison Or Something, We Don’t Remember. We’ve Got A Lot Going On In Our Personal Lives, So Some Things Just Get Sort Of Jumbled Sometimes, Sorry
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More Americans Identifying As LGBTQ
A Gallup poll found that 5.6% of U.S. adults identify as LGBTQ, a 1% increase over three years that’s mostly attributed to younger Americans, with 1 in 6 Gen Z adults identifying as LGBTQ. What do you think?Read more...
NASA Welcomes Litter Of Mars Rovers After Successful Breeding Of Perseverance, Curiosity
PASADENA, CA—Proudly announcing the arrival of the newest additions to the NASA family, top officials at the U.S. space agency welcomed a litter of Mars rovers Thursday after successfully breeding Perseverance with Curiosity. “We’re happy to report that Perseverance gave birth to 12 healthy, bouncing baby rovers early…Read more...
Mom Moves In For Kill After Spotting Child’s Shirt Tag Sticking Out
COLUMBUS, OH—Eyes locked in on the child as she carefully approached her prey, local mother Francesca Shepherd had reportedly moved in for the kill Thursday after spotting her 5-year-old daughter’s shirt tag sticking out. According to observers, Shepherd padded silently across the carpet with the precision and killer…Read more...
How To Prevent Future Pandemics
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Poll Finds Almost Half Of Republicans Would Join Trump Party
A Suffolk University-USA Today poll found that 46% of Republicans would abandon the political party as it is currently structured and join a new party if former President Trump was its leader. What do you think?Read more...
FDA Approves First Single-Dunk Coronavirus Vaccine
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Golden Globes Voters Pampered On ‘Emily In Paris’ Set Visit
Emily in Paris producers reportedly flew Hollywood Foreign Press members to Paris for a lavish set visit that included a $1,400-per-night hotel stay, fueling skepticism around the legitimacy of the show’s award nominations. What do you think?Read more...
Why Texas Power Grids Failed
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Career Timeline Of Daft Punk
The French electronic music duo Daft Punk announced their breakup after a massively influential 28-year run. The Onion looks back at the top moments of Daft Punk.
Michelle Wie Shoots 63 While Using Rudy Giuliani As Sand Wedge
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Woman Reverts Back To Inner Primate To Snatch Up Fallen Razor With Toes
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Japan Appoints Minister Of Loneliness
Japan has appointed a “minister of loneliness,” a role that aims to reduce social isolation and loneliness among Japan’s residents as the country deals with rising suicide rates. What do you think?Read more...
Gaming Win: This Pro Gamer Did Something Terrible And Everyone Is Sweeping It Under The Rug Like He’s A Real Celebrity
Let’s face it, readers, society at large has historically looked down on video gaming. Even as the medium has surged in popularity and esteem, many still don’t consider it a “legit” art form. Fortunately, though, that stigma seems poised to change! In a major gaming win, a popular pro gamer did something terrible, and…Read more...
Deathbed Letter Implicates NYPD, FBI In Malcolm X Murder
The family of Malcolm X have released a former police officer’s written deathbed confession that implicates the NYPD and FBI in the 1965 assassination of the Black nationalist leader. What do you think?Read more...
Spirit Who Caught Typhus En Route To Siege Of Antioch Figures It Simpler Just To Say He Died In The Crusades
PERDITION—While admitting that the explanation was not technically true, 943-year-old spirit Brictric of Waddesdon confirmed Tuesday that he had found it simpler to just tell fellow denizens of the afterlife that he died in the Crusades despite actually catching typhus en route to the Siege of Antioch. “Sure, it isn’t…Read more...
El Chapo’s Wife Arrested On Drug Charges Exactly As Planned
DULLES, VA—Bringing the couple’s stunning machinations that much closer to realization, Emma Coronel Aispuro—the former beauty queen and wife of notorious drug kingpin “El Chapo”—was arrested at Dulles International Airport this week, exactly as planned. “Today, we detained Miss Aispuro for her suspected role in…Read more...
Biden Unveils Cool Teen Migrant Detainment Center Where Youths Can Hang Out And Never Leave
CARRIZO SPRINGS, TX—In an effort to provide vulnerable youths with a structured, supervised environment, President Joe Biden unveiled a hip teen migrant detainment center Tuesday where kids could hang out and never leave. “We think migrant teenagers are going to love getting a chance to kick back and chillax in this…Read more...
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