The Onion

YELLOW SPRINGS, OH—Expressing concern that the actions of the feline had exposed deficiencies in his parenting skills, pet owner Aaron DeSpiegler admitted Tuesday he was deeply worried he may not be caring or responsible enough to be a father after his adopted cat, Muffin, killed four children and a teacher and…Read more...

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SAGINAW, MI—Recalling the time he and his partner fired dozens of rounds into the shoplifting suspect’s body, local police officer Bradley Denney reportedly pointed Monday to the unarmed white man he killed once to prove he’s not racist. “Look at all the people I’ve brutally beaten and killed before judging me,…Read more...

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Here at OGN, we’re often struck with a vague inkling that something is terribly amiss, and if you’re a reader, you most likely also lie awake nights with an unshakable sense of dread. Well, if that’s the case, trouble not your mind, for video games are considered cool right now!Read more...

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BOISE, ID—In an embarrassing demonstration by a freshman who absolutely cannot hang, sources confirmed Monday that fucking lightweight Riley Kinnebeck was hospitalized for coronavirus on his first night of college. “Seriously, though, who coughs until they collapse and has to be taken away in an ambulance at the very…Read more...

A random act of violence or something more sinister? Hear what police are saying about this anaphylactic tragedy.Read more...

WASHINGTON—With the U.S. unemployment rate still in double digits, a new Labor Department report published Monday credits most of the spike in joblessness to an uptick in the number of Americans leaving their old lives behind to reach for the stars and become a professional dancer. “Our data shows that in the past…Read more...

Russian anti-corruption activist Alexei Navalny, one of Vladimir Putin’s most outspoken critics, fell into a coma last Thursday after drinking tea that allies suspect was poisoned by Kremlin forces. What do you think?Read more...

DALLAS—Refusing to assign blame before all the facts were in, local rap fan Cole Franklin confirmed Friday that he was withholding judgment on who was at fault in the shooting of Megan Thee Stallion until he had heard the gun’s side of the story. “Everyone’s always so quick to blame the gun, but for all we know, Megan…Read more...

President Trump’s former chief strategist Steve Bannon was arrested and charged with defrauding donors out of hundreds of thousands of dollars through a crowdfunding campaign that claimed to be raising money for a border wall with Mexico. What do you think?Read more...

SOUTH BEND, IN—Calling his presidential run a “perfect launchpad” for becoming a leader on a larger scale, Pete Buttigieg told reporters Friday that he was hoping to leverage his rising star status into ultimately becoming the mayor of Evansville, IN. “After the incredible year I’ve had serving not just as the mayor…Read more...

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ALEXANDRIA, VA—Calling the situation “an imminent threat,” watchdog groups nationwide urged casual dining establishment Bob Evans to create an emergency plan in case Donald Trump refuses to leave, sources confirmed Friday. “We must take the president at his word when he suggests he has no intention of leaving the…Read more...

ANN ARBOR, MI—Staring down at the five-dollar bill in frustration before stuffing it into his wallet, Michigan football coach Jim Harbaugh confirmed Friday that he was annoyed after only getting $5.89 from the university bookstore for selling back his 2020 playbook. “This is bullshit, that thing was like $150, and I…Read more...

MILWAUKEE—Watching with rapt attention from the production control room as presidential candidate Joe Biden delivered his Democratic nomination acceptance speech, DNC staffer Amy Murphy was reportedly fully prepared Thursday to cut to a shot of the American flag at any moment. “Alright, we’re on a 5-second delay, so…Read more...

The U.S. Department of Agriculture announced that it has suspended the exhibitor license for the Greater Wynnewood Exotic Animal Park, which was made famous in the Netflix documentary Tiger King earlier this year, citing multiple animal welfare violations. What do you think?Read more...

WESTBROOK, CT—Writhing in agony as the flesh dissolved from their hands and faces, law enforcement officials exposed to Steve Bannon during his arrest on charges of defrauding donors reportedly screamed in excruciating pain Thursday as their blistering skin began to slough off. “Those who came into contact with Mr.…Read more...

LEAWOOD, KS— Reversing course mere hours after reopening their doors, cinema giant AMC immediately reclosed Thursday following an incident in which 7-year-old movie attendee Emma Pearson puked all over a movie theater chair after eating too many Sour Patch Kids. “Due to unfortunate circumstances involving an exuberant…Read more...

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ELK CREEK, CA—Admitting that the natural disaster gave them a much-needed chance to kick back and relax, state police officers acknowledged their relief Thursday that the rampant wildfires spreading throughout California were forcing families out of their homes for them. “You know a huge part of the job is forcibly…Read more...

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DES MOINES, IA—In one of the worst swine-based disasters in recent history, the Iowa Department of Agriculture announced Thursday that crops were devastated after a big fat mama hog went on a tear through the state’s cornfields. “Hoo boy, that big ol’ sow ran through nearly 56 counties and destroyed over 13.8 million…Read more...

SOUTH BEND, IN—Protesting that her weekly sessions of self-examination and relationship analysis left him feeling consistently outmatched, local man Alan Waters confirmed Thursday that years of therapy had given his girlfriend, Tara Mikkelson, a distinct and unfair advantage in a recent fight. “She’s using all these …Read more...

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We have the latest on this massive shakeup at the DNC. Hear how Hawaii Rep. Tulsi Gabbard was able to claim the nomination despite dropping out of the race nearly six months ago.Read more...

A lawyer for Mark and Patricia McCloskey, who face felony charges for waving firearms at Black Lives Matter demonstrators walking down their street in June, confirmed the couple have been invited to speak at the 2020 Republican National Convention. What do you think?Read more...

Donald Trump on Tuesday pardoned suffragist Susan B. Anthony, who was convicted and fined for voting in New York in 1872. What do you think?Read more...

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MANCHESTER, ENGLAND—In an effort to shore up their racist chants and back side vandalism before the upcoming season, Manchester United called up phenom hooligan Liam Ward Wednesday from its development program in Pub League 2. “Liam has been tearing it up, notching 7.6 broken beer bottles per match, nobody else can…Read more...

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As the Covid-19 pandemic continues with no end in sight, it has had widespread economic impact, with many of its effects expected to last for a long time. The Onion looks at the most significant economic impacts of the coronavirus pandemic.

SALINA, KS—Calling the change a minor improvement, family members acknowledged Wednesday that abusive dad Skip Pincombe had mellowed out into an emotionally abusive grandpa. “Growing up, Dad would beat our ass if we stepped a toe out of line, but age has softened him to the point where he’s like a totally different…Read more...

NEW YORK—In what industry observers are hailing as the most innovative product launch to date, popular skin care and cosmetics line Glossier debuted an ad Wednesday that asks, “Why not?” as it introduces consumers to the novel concept of blush for butt cheeks. “Butt blush exists now, it’s a thing you can buy, so why…Read more...

CUPERTINO, CA—Reaffirming the company’s commitment to responsible texting, Apple announced plans Wednesday to bring back the pistol emoji for users who complete a gun emoji safety course. “iPhone users who are 18 years or older may be eligible to text a digital pistol contingent on completing a six-week course taught…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “an ingenious idea with near-unlimited potential,” experts at the World Resources Institute announced Wednesday that their studies indicated the future of green transportation may, in fact, be a 16-ton possum that passengers can cling to like babies. “When we think about the future of…Read more...

Hear why income inequality between the charmingly named pets of rich people and impoverished Americans is growing larger than ever before.Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Taking a swig of whiskey and biting into a towel to stop herself from screaming, a shaking, bloody Zendaya reportedly cut a Daily Mail tracking device from her arm Wednesday with a steak knife. “Oh my god, that’s it...that’s how they always knew when I was out on a bike ride, drinking iced coffee, or…Read more...

Researchers at Ohio State University say satellite data shows Greenland’s 660,000 square-mile ice sheet will continue to melt even if global temperatures remain the same, but added that limiting climate change could slow the rate at which the ice disappears. What do you think?Read more...

Former GOP Governor John Kasich, as well as two other prominent Republicans, spoke at the Democratic National Convention on Monday and announced his intention to vote for the former vice president this fall. What do you think?Read more...

PHOENIX, AZ—Expressing frustration with how badly his undercoat and tail got messed up the last time, local schnauzer Jellybean Hicks confirmed Tuesday that he hoped he wouldn’t get stuck with the chatty groomer again. “Oh my god, I’m telling you, the woman who was in charge of shearing me last time just would not…Read more...

LIVINGSTON, TN—Explaining how a few small changes would go a long way toward improving the place’s atmosphere, a group of patrons told reporters Tuesday the local meth den they frequented could really do with a good sprucing up. “Just sweeping out all the broken glass and replacing these old bloodstained rugs would…Read more...

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LINCOLN, NE—Absolving himself from any further obligation to the insect, local man Samuel Platte confirmed Tuesday that it was “no goddamn use” trying to help the fly currently stuck inside his apartment if it didn’t truly want to be helped. “Look, pal, you gotta meet me halfway and at least try to get back outside,…Read more...

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We have the latest on the new bill that would allow any citizen of a foreign nation to immigrate to the U.S. as long as their piano-playing is superb enough to make Citizen and Immigration officials openly weep.Read more...

Rideshare companies Uber and Lyft may temporarily shut down in California as early as this week after a judge ordered the businesses to reclassify their drivers as employees instead of independent contractors. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Detailing what must be done as the dead-eyed chief justice scrawled a plan on his basement wall, the voices that had always whispered the founding fathers’ intent to John Roberts told him Tuesday that now is the time for him to slaughter the country’s leadership and seize the government for himself. “You…Read more...