The Onion

SACRAMENTO—In an effort to clear up any confusion regarding California’s current Covid-19 restrictions, Governor Gavin Newsom signed a law Thursday reclassifying outdoor dining as any restaurant that is located outside. “As of today, any dining establishment whose four exterior walls are exposed to open air and whose…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—After thanking his restaurant server as she dropped off the check, actor and recording artist Omarion reportedly figured Thursday that his level of fame had diminished to the point where it was no longer necessary to leave a huge tip everywhere he went out. “These days, I think it’s fine for me to tip a…Read more...

BROOKLYN—Frantically scanning the list to find their names, the 2020 NBA draft prospects desperately crowded around a bulletin board Thursday morning to see who got drafted where. “Aww man, I got the Cavs? I wanted the Warriors so bad. My life is over,” said Auburn forward Isaac Okoro, who slinked away as James…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Noting that the changes would help provide a more balanced understanding of each individual’s character, the National Sex Offender Registry confirmed Wednesday that they would start listing some of each pedophile’s positive qualities, too. “It’s only fair that we even out some of the stuff about their sex…Read more...

Hear what has led 55-year-old Kansas City resident Jonathan Huston to not reading, seeing, or hearing a single verifiable fact since 2014.Read more...

New Orleans mayor LaToya Cantrell confirmed that Mardi Gras parades will be prohibited next year due to the coronavirus pandemic, but added that city officials are asking the public to submit ideas for ways to celebrate the holiday safely. What do you think?Read more...

BLUE MOUNTAIN, MS—Confirming decades of the speculation about talent development, the NBA released a new report Wednesday revealing that 78% of draft prospects were discovered after a scout’s car breaks down near the barn where a kid is shooting on a netless hoop. “According to our data, the vast majority of prospects…Read more...

It was revealed this week that a $1 million donation Dolly Parton made in April to research a cure for Covid-19 helped fund Moderna’s coronavirus vaccine, which preliminary data shows may be up to 94.5% effective. What do you think?Read more...

FOX RIVER GROVE, IL—Cowering before the home intruder on her hands and knees, local woman Cori Olson reportedly begged a murderer Wednesday not to decrease the property values in the neighborhood. “Please, you don’t have to do this, please—think of the homeowner’s association!” said Olson, weeping into her hands as…Read more...

NASHUA, NH—Unable to stand another encounter with such a dreary and miserable person, a local light therapy lamp reportedly opted to burn down the house Wednesday rather than have to face the depressed man it was supposed to be cheering up yet again. “After weeks and weeks of this total sad sack just staring straight…Read more...

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A Promised Land, Barack Obama’s new memoir about his presidency, was released Tuesday. The Onion looks at the biggest highlights and revelations from the book.Read more...

WILMINGTON, DE—Assuring supporters that the transition process would continue apace regardless of the White House’s decision making, President-Elect Joe Biden insisted Wednesday that a lack of cooperation from the Trump administration would not interfere with the upcoming four years of total political inaction.…Read more...

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DES MOINES—Calling it the “ideal spot” to get intubated for a prolonged period of time, nurse Tamara King told reporters Wednesday that she’d hoped the extra-comfy ICU bed was free when she was admitted as a patient in two weeks. “Obviously it’s not ideal, but when I do get sick, that remote-controlled MedlinePlus has…Read more...

EAU CLAIRE, WI—Growing frustrated as she tried to figure out what the latest round of bullshit tyrannical restrictions meant for her, local Covid denier Grace Paquin reportedly admitted Wednesday that she was struggling to effectively protest her state’s incoherent and constantly changing coronavirus policies. “It’s…Read more...

If you’re feeling a little more forgetful nowadays, you’re not alone. Hear why it could be linked to being blindfolded, thrown into the back of an unmarked van, and taken to a covert CIA bunker for several days at a time.Read more...

A Boeing 737 struck a brown bear while landing in southeast Alaska on Saturday, damaging the plane and killing the bear. What do you think?Read more...

ALLENDALE HEIGHTS, GA—Retweeting the account with 47 followers as definitive proof his team had acquired the all-star power forward, local Atlanta fan Jalen Greene posted “Giannis to Hawks!” Tuesday while citing a user that mostly retweets porn. “We’re gonna have Giannis down low, and we didn’t even have to give up…Read more...

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English musician Harry Styles has become the first male to star alone on the cover of Vogue in the magazine’s December 2020 issue. What do you think?Read more...

WOODBRIDGE, CT—Deciding to put off making a final decision on how to safely dispose of the materials, a local hazardous waste facility reportedly stuffed all their batteries in the drawer Tuesday until they can figure out what to do with them. “Obviously we can’t just throw batteries in the trash with the other stuff,…Read more...

KANSAS CITY, MO—Acknowledging that she had seen all the warnings about holiday travel on the news, local mom Mary Simpson announced Tuesday that she completely understood that coming to Thanksgiving would be risky for all involved and that you didn’t love her anymore. “No, no, don’t apologize, honey—if it isn’t safe…Read more...

The top-ranked golfer in the world Dustin Johnson won the 2020 Masters on Sunday, breaking the previous record of 18-under par previously held by Tiger Woods and Jordan Spieth by two strokes. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Peering through the blinds into the glow of a nearby streetlight, local private eye Cliff Hardy confirmed Tuesday that it was hard for him to meet women who weren’t suspects in the murders of their own husbands, the mysterious circumstances of which he happened to be investigating at their behest. “I’d…Read more...

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Hear why a natural, mutual chemistry finally led the two intergalactic lovebirds to making it official.Read more...

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According to the Covid Tracking Project, there were 69,455 people hospitalized with Covid-19 in the U.S. on Saturday, shattering the previous record of 59,940 set in April as coronavirus cases continue to skyrocket. What do you think?Read more...

Anticipation has been off the charts for the latest iteration of the PlayStation, and now that the system has finally hit shelves, it’s clear that Sony has delivered in a major way. Soaring ahead of its competition, the PS5 is a game-changing next-generation console that Santa just can’t afford right now, okay, Sport?

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CLEVELAND—Claiming to have received the information from “seriously legit” sources, local boyfriend Eric Armour announced Monday that the kneecap was apparently the worst part of the human body in which to get shot. “Obviously, taking a bullet to the head or the chest is more lethal, but if you’re talking about the…Read more...

SARASOTA, FL—Expressing his shock at having been taken completely off guard, local cat Muffins acknowledged Monday that no amount of training could have prepared him for his first experience encountering a mouse in real life. “Man, I’ve spent hours and hours simulating a confrontation with a mouse, but when the real…Read more...

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Noting the 37-year-old marketing professional was no longer so high and mighty, sources confirmed Monday that local man Andrew Martin, who laid it on really damn thick about quitting his job earlier this year, was not such hot shit during the pandemic. “Months and months of talk about how this place is…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Rushing to assure the country’s populace ahead of the holiday season, experts confirmed Monday that the nation’s virus stockpiles were large enough to prevent any Covid-19 shortages this winter. “Let me be perfectly clear: We have a nearly inexhaustible supply of the virus on hand that will easily last…Read more...

Well, dang it. We’re feeling pretty annoyed right now because we just walked into the OGN offices after taking the weekend off and we were met with a nasty surprise: We forgot to drain our new Xbox Series X over the weekend, and now all the game fluid leaked out.

Hear how the dramatic increase in grassroots fundraising could help spread the Aryan Brotherhood’s message of racial purity nationwide.Read more...

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Amazon-subsidiary Ring is recalling 350,000 2nd-generation smart doorbells following reports that at least 23 have caught fire due to overheating batteries. What do you think?Read more...

LAS VEGAS—Standing up and shouting at the referee as his opponent landed an illegal knee from half guard, Mitch and Ashley Felden cheered on their 8-year-old son, Tanner, Saturday as he secured a submission victory in his UFC Jr. League match. “It’s great for a kid’s confidence when they learn how to roundhouse kick…Read more...

A report from the World Health Organization finds there were 869,770 measles cases worldwide last year and that declining vaccination rates along with the pandemic could lead to a further increase in outbreaks. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—As the city grappled with measures that would adequately address the infectious disease’s unchecked spread, rising coronavirus cases forced Chicago this week to set up temporary bars in hospitals. “With more Chicagoans testing positive and requiring medical care, we have no choice but to fight this thing by…Read more...

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CHICAGO—Revealing their sincere worries about the iconic talk show host’s wellbeing and mental health, fans expressed concerns Friday after Oprah Winfrey’s annual Favorite Things list only featured a six-pack of Miller Lite. “Yeah, I know this year has been hard on everyone, but I guess I wasn’t expecting Oprah would…Read more...

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FLORHAM PARK, NJ—Decrying the blatant lifting of audio files for in-stadium noise during quarantine, the New York Jets were sued for millions Friday following the franchise’s unlicensed use of other teams’ cheering sounds. “It is obvious to any listener these sounds of joy and applause were not created by the New York…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Calling the discovery “unbelievable,” Michelle Obama was reportedly fuming Friday after learning Barack Obama had also titled his new memoir Becoming. “I know I don’t own a trademark on the word ‘becoming,’ but what the fuck, Barack?” said the former first lady, who was bewildered after coming across an…Read more...

APPLETON, WI—Utterly disregarding the Centers for Disease Control’s Covid-19 safety guidelines, irresponsible neighbor Edith Bernstein, 94, was having a ton of visitors over to her house, local sources reported Friday. “Who the hell does she think she is hosting a gathering like that while cases are skyrocketing?”…Read more...