The Onion

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—After a state court found the company liable for $572 million in damages for its role in Oklahoma’s opioid crisis, consumer healthcare giant Johnson & Johnson announced Tuesday it would push uppers for the next decade or two in an effort to even everyone out. “We went way too hard on the downers,…Read more...

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MANAUS, BRAZIL—Widespread human-caused fires that have decimated over 1,300 square miles of Amazon rainforest in the year 2019 alone revealed a small tribe of isolated rich sociopaths who are completely untouched by consequence, sources confirmed Tuesday. “As the impact of deforestation continues to grow, a team…Read more...

Lucasfilm has released a new trailer for the highly anticipated concluding installment of the new Star Wars trilogy, teasing characters Rey and Kylo Ren clashing in a dramatic, rain-swept battle as well as the final appearance of Carrie Fisher. What do you think?Read more...

When Sony and Remedy Entertainment announced the 2019 release of the new action-adventure shooter Control at E3, they promised players an immersive gaming release unlike anything the industry has ever offered. After getting the chance to play it myself, I can now say unequivocally that Control delivers on that promise…Read more...

As it has become a yearly tradition, former president Barack Obama released a playlist of his and Michelle’s favorite songs of the summer, featuring musicians including Lizzo, Maggie Rogers, and Lil Nas X. What do you think?Read more...

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HUNTINGTON, WV—Explaining that such suggestive armor was inappropriate for an educational environment, Huntington High School officials reportedly reminded female students Tuesday that their bulletproof vests must cover their midriffs. “We’ve been seeing some students wearing revealing bulletproof vests, so I just…Read more...

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STAMFORD, CT—Reminding himself that everything will be okay if he simply pushes through his sense of impending doom, local man Alex Clemson took the last steps necessary Tuesday to overcome his long-standing fear of public urination during a visit to Fort Stamford Park. “In the past, I always froze up at crucial…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—In a sign that the world has finally passed you by, sources confirmed Monday that this year’s 2019 MTV Video Music Awards featured an endless stream of people you don’t know, you withered corpse, you putrid crone, you might as well be dead and rotting in the dirt. “Tonight, the world honors singers and…Read more...

Conservative radio show host and former representative Joe Walsh announced he will run against President Trump in 2020, presenting himself as a more palatable alternative after apologizing for a rash of controversial past statements such as questioning President Obama’s religion and calling him a Muslim. What do you…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Continuing a practice that he followed as president, Barack Obama reportedly upheld an old in-office tradition Saturday by releasing his 2019 summer kill list. “I’ve been busy with other things, so it’s not as extensive a kill list as some I released back when I was president, but I hope you find who I’ve…Read more...

BLUEFIELD, WV—In an attempt to address any fears they might have about the animal’s welfare, local man Roger Carlisle reportedly assured his houseguests Monday that he sometimes opens his parakeet’s cage so the bird can flutter around the house in a frantic and doomed bid for freedom. “Don’t worry, I know the cage…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Explaining how this was the third error he’s caught since opening up the morning edition, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly reamed out the Washington Post editors Monday after catching another copy-editing mistake. “I’m only three sentences into this article about stock futures in Africa, and there’s already…Read more...

BIARRITZ, FRANCE—As the three-day global conference drew to a close, the world leaders present at the G7 summit eagerly waited Monday as the event’s organizers announced the raffle drawing for a Nintendo Switch. “Oh man, I’ve been wanting a Switch so bad, and Parliament won’t give me any money to buy one, so I put…Read more...

INDIANAPOLIS—Admitting that he could not take the physical and mental punishment anymore, Colts quarterback Andrew Luck tearfully described years of fighting through the searing pain he experiences during every moment spent in Indianapolis. “Day in and day out, it takes a lot out of you—it’s been seven years of…Read more...

NEW YORK—Conceding that many facets of the game still felt completely foreign to him, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell admitted Monday that his job would probably be a lot easier if he actually watched football. “Honestly, it’s really tough to get a handle on what’s a good rule change because I’m really not that big a…Read more...

FREDERICKSBURG, TX—Searching her brain for even the slightest upside, local parent Sarah Bolen found herself struggling Monday to find a good reason why Sophia, her 5-year-old daughter, should not be afraid of starting the first grade. “Don’t worry, there’s nothing to be scared of, other than constant judgment from…Read more...

Former White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced she will will join Fox News as a contributor next month, increasing the ties between the White House and that network. What do you think?Read more...

QUINCY, MA—Exhausting his reserves of confidence well before first-period roll call, student Logan Mahaffey found the self-esteem he painstakingly acquired during summer theater camp could only get him through his first six minutes of the school year, the 7th-grader admitted Monday. “If I can play the lead in Jesus…Read more...

Looks like the future of virtual reality has finally arrived. Sony just announced their new flesh-colored VR helmet that seamlessly blends in with your face, letting you play inconspicuously anywhere, anytime. For anyone worried about sticking out in public after booting Superhot VR or Five Nights At Freddy’s VR: Help…Read more...

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Democratic 2020 contender Bernie Sanders announced the most expansive climate plan among the field, spending $16 trillion to decarbonize the economy by 2050 and allegedly creating 20 million jobs, although the plan does not include technologies such as nuclear power or carbon sequestration. What do you think?Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Noting that the deceased billionaire wasted no time after entering into Heaven’s gates, angelic sources confirmed Friday that David Koch immediately launched a far-reaching, fully funded campaign to secure Antonin Scalia a seat in the Holy Trinity. “It’s been far too long since a true conservative like…Read more...

Massive human-caused fires in the Amazon are burning the rainforest at a record rate, stoking global concerns about its potential impact on climate change and shrouding Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro in controversy. The Onion looks at the most significant consequences of the massive fires in the Amazon rainforest.Read more...

ANAHEIM, CA––Assuring the crowd of onlookers that the beloved cartoon character was merely enjoying a little rest from all the fun he was having in the Magic Kingdom, Disneyland employee Mark Scovell hastily improvised a story Friday about how much Goofy loves napping on the pavement. “Oh, jeepers, it looks like…Read more...

SOUDERTON, PA—Expressing frustration that he has not actually earned his position, Little League sources told reporters Friday that Rory Peters was only the team’s starting pitcher because he’s the son of Coach P, gets daily one-on-one training, and goes to an intensive pitching camp for six weeks every summer. “It’s…Read more...

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MISSOULA, MT—Observing that she seems to “go a bit overboard” with her enthusiasm for the season, sources confirmed Friday that local woman Linda Gillespie is so obsessed with Christmas that she worships Jesus Christ throughout the entire year. “Even in summer, Linda will be brimming with the holiday spirit and…Read more...

NAPA, CA—Revealing that the writing staff kept his character arc a secret up until the final days, Raiders quarterback Derek Carr felt distraught Friday after reading the scene in his Hard Knocks finale script where he stabs Antonio Brown. “I know the showrunners have been setting up AB’s downfall, but it is still…Read more...

Issuing tax exemptions to religious institutions has long been a practice of the secular U.S. government, but critics argue that it has a negative economic and social impact overall. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of tax exemptions for religious institutions.Read more...

If you’ve called yourself a gamer in the past 30 years, then you know the name, Hideo Kojima. As the mastermind writer, director, and designer behind the mind-boggling Metal Gear series and the upcoming PS4 exclusive Death Stranding, Kojima is a force to be reckoned with in the video game world, known for his elusive…Read more...

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Rending his garments and dashing towards the door as his face began to twist in anguish, distraught man Andrew Wan, brought to the verge of tears by personal news of a deeply distressing nature, reportedly burst out of a crowded room Friday like he was transforming into a werewolf. “Oh, God, no! It’s…Read more...

A poll released Wednesday found that 42% of respondents who voted for Trump in 2016 would hold him partially responsible for an economic downturn, and another 7% said he would be solely responsible. What do you think?Read more...

BRASILIA—In response to an environmental crisis that threatened mass swaths of the country, the Brazilian government announced Thursday that it was equipping crews of firefighters with flamethrowers to combat the massive Amazon rainforest. “We have marshaled our resources and distributed flamethrowers to thousands of…Read more...

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The Trump administration has announced it is ending a federal court agreement that limits detainment of migrant families with children to 20 days, although the new policy will almost certainly be challenged in court. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Advising motorists to remain vigilant at all times, the U.S. Department of Transportation released a report Thursday that found the vast majority of freeway accidents could have been filmed. “Our data revealed that in almost every instance where a massive car wreck occurred, there was something that alert…Read more...

BRANE MULTIVERSE 378-C—In an effort to better comply with recent moves to abolish limits on migrant detention, ICE officials announced Thursday that they planned to open an interdimensional detention center to indefinitely imprison migrants across an infinite number of multiverses. “With our new hyperspace-based…Read more...

WESTERLY, RI—Sources confirmed Thursday that a cartoon lasso was reportedly working implausibly well, accomplishing feats that are simply impossible according to any known laws of physics. “Oh, how convenient, the lasso just flew through the air hundreds of feet and perfectly roped nine cattle rustlers and their…Read more...

One way developers often depict their game environments is by including a clump of grass. Here are 10 clumps of grass in video games.Read more...

CHICOPEE, MA—Expressing regret that she just didn’t have the time to properly look after the locks, local woman Nicole Parker reportedly tearfully parted with her long hairstyle Thursday after realizing she couldn’t provide it with the kind of care it deserves. “I’m sorry, but I just can’t give you what you need…Read more...

The new James Bond will be titled No Time To Die and released in April 2020, according to a social media announcement about the film, which will see Daniel Craig’s character recruited from a vacation in Jamaica to thwart a global plot. What do you think?Read more...

SANTA FE—Pointing with great emphasis and loudly declaring her impressions of her surroundings, local toddler Sophia Krauss, 3, was reportedly standing up in a shopping cart and surveying the grocery store in the manner of a grizzled, windburnt sea captain on a long and perilous whaling expedition. Witnesses confirmed…Read more...

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BALTIMORE—Stressing that such coping strategies helped with setbacks ranging from losses in the coal markets to a decline in family fortunes, a study released Wednesday by Johns Hopkins University found that the best way of dealing with life’s disappointments still remained casting a snifter of rare Scotch into a…Read more...

President Trump on Tuesday said that any Jewish person who votes Democrat shows “either a total lack of knowledge or great disloyalty,” drawing criticism from those who said the president’s remarks were evoking an anti-Semitic stereotype. What do you think?Read more...

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