The Onion

INDIANAPOLIS—Laying down a harsh ruling that is sure to resonate in future cases, the NCAA determined Friday that Joe Burrow joining the Cincinnati Bengals will be more than enough punishment for his infraction of accepting a cash payment from Odell Beckham Jr. “We want to do everything we can to discourage college…Read more...

CINCINNATI—Calling it the “fastest and most effective way” to find a lost or misplaced sanitary product, the makers of Tampax announced Friday the release of a new app called Find My Tampon, which is intended for use when one gets lodged way the hell up in there. “In the event a Tampax user is faced with an emergency…Read more...

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Climate data collected by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration and NASA found that last year was the second-hottest year on record, continuing a worrying trend that has resulted in the planet warming 1.8 degrees Fahrenheit (or almost 1 degree Celsius) in the past 50 years. What do you think?Read more...

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Nearly half of U.S. adults will be obese by 2030 and one-fourth will be severely so, according to a new study by the JPF Foundation based on a decades-long federal study. What do you think?Read more...

ST. PETERSBURG, RUSSIA—Explaining that he’s been advertising the girl for months now without getting so much as a nibble from prospective buyers, local human trafficker Cheslav Prokopyev told reporters Thursday that he just hasn’t been able to get any traction on this one. “Man, I’m really starting to worry Natalia…Read more...

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WILMER, TX—Fretting over what such a display of weakness would do to his reputation, local man Neil Rockfield told sources Thursday he was afraid of seeming vulnerable if he reached out to the fire department for help with an out-of-control blaze. “I always learned growing up that a real man puts out his own house…Read more...

After a 228-to-193 vote in favor of proceeding, the House of Representatives will send two articles of impeachment against President Trump to the Senate despite concerns about Senate Leader Mitch McConnell’s impartiality and refusal to call witnesses to testify in the trial. What do you think?Read more...

Featuring the field’s first all-white debate stage and the potential for escalating conflict between candidates, viewers tuned into the seventh and final Democratic debate before caucus voting begins in Iowa. What do you think?Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Following a three-decade-long, multimillion-dollar study to evaluate the progressive rock group’s music, a team of scientists at Harvard University announced Wednesday that they were no closer to determining if the British band Yes is good or not. “While deep sonic analysis reveals technically…Read more...

HONG KONG—Watching with growing discomfort as the 75-year-old groaned and winced in pain, college student Gordon Cheng expressed concern Wednesday during a visit home upon realizing that his grandfather was able to land only a single flying crane backflip kick while fighting off a group of intruders. “It’s sad that…Read more...

Midtown skyscraper where people go to snap a memorable photo or trudge into yet another day of soulless, mind-numbing work.Read more...

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Saying she respects the couple’s hopes to “live a more independent life as a family,” Queen Elizabeth II announced she will allow Prince Harry and Meghan Markle to transition to end their reliance on public funds and split their time between the United Kingdom and Canada. What do you think?Read more...

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Cory Booker announced on Monday that he will suspend his run for the Democratic Party presidential nomination, ending a campaign nagged by low polling numbers and fundraising totals and leaving the race with only one African American candidate in former Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick. What do you think?Read more...

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FREMONT, CA—In an effort to increase foot traffic at their 1,667 locations nationwide, struggling retailer Men’s Wearhouse announced Tuesday that, effective immediately, they would provide free measurements of whatever the hell customers wanted. “We’ve trained our associates to go beyond sleeves and inseams to measure…Read more...

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Thanks to a decline in smoking and better treatments for lung cancer, the American Cancer Society reported a 2.2% drop in cancer from 2016 to 2017, the largest-ever reported change since record-keeping began in 1930. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Emphasizing that the 62-year-old executive was just experiencing minor technical issues and would be back behind the podium shortly, Boeing officials scrambled to do damage control Monday after their new CEO Dave Calhoun erupted into flames during his first press conference. “I assure you, Mr. Calhoun is one…Read more...

With February’s primary and caucus votes rapidly approaching, a recent CBS/YouGov poll found only one-third of Iowa and New Hampshire voters are settled on a Democratic candidate, leaving the race for the presidential nomination wide open in the leadup to the election. What do you think?Read more...

NORTHAMPTON, ENGLAND—According to eyewitnesses at the scene, a homeless and thoroughly disheveled Prince Harry was spotted Monday eating out of residential garbage cans only 24 hours after stepping away from the Royal Family. “I heard a clatter in the alleyway, so I circled around and found him rooting around in my…Read more...

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THE HEAVENS—Straining to react to the surprising engagement announcement with a measure of enthusiasm, God, Our Heavenly Father and the Creator of the Universe, reportedly struggled to feign happiness Monday after Jesus Christ informed Him that He would be marrying an exotic dancer from a place off I-95. “I should…Read more...

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SAN JOSE, CA—Constantly evading frustrated domain hosts’ attempts to trap and remove the pest, many of the nation’s websites began crashing Friday after a mouse got into the internet. “We don’t know where exactly he is, but we know that little bastard is in there somewhere chewing through lines of code, so let us know…Read more...

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GREENSBORO, NC—Announcing that everything seemed under control and that they would be most helpful by staying out of the way, emergency last responders loitered around a multi-car pileup Friday pretending to aid victims after most of the work was already done. “Oh, looks like the fire department already used the Jaws…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Admitting that they were “shocked but still delighted” by the discovery, rangers with the National Park Service announced Thursday that the Lincoln Memorial has given birth to a litter of tiny marble Abe Lincolns, definitively demonstrating that the statue is, in fact, actually a girl. “We recently noticed…Read more...

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GLENDIVE, MT—Finding himself deeply satisfied upon learning that his alpha classmate’s life turned out nearly as shitty as his own, local automotive upholstery repairman Josh Vick, 29, felt deeply validated Thursday upon discovering that Luke Morris, one of the most popular kids in his high school class, had bottomed…Read more...

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FAYETTEVILLE, AR—After the pair turned down a social gathering for the third time that month, close friends of Dawn and Kevin Edmund confirmed Wednesday that the couple had really stopped being fun after having their kids die. “They never want to go out anymore; it’s always ‘We have family therapy’ or ‘Dawn can’t get…Read more...

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PARIS—Stopping every few blocks to tilt back their heads in wonder, idiotic hick tourists on their first visit to Paris made utter fools of themselves this week by unabashedly gawking at the timeless splendor of some of the most beautiful examples of architecture in human history. “Check out these dopes goggling at…Read more...

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PAWTUCKET, RI—Seeking to challenge the perception that preparing devices to fend off roving marauders is exclusively for boys, Hasbro debuted a new line of weaponized trap-building kits this week to encourage more girls to become involved in the field of post-apocalyptic survivalism. “We found that the average…Read more...

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TOMS RIVER, NJ—Admitting that it was “a big step down” for a refined product such as itself to take the job in the first place, an artesian truffle oil confirmed Tuesday that it was deeply embarrassed to be working with low-class ingredients on loaded fries. “For years, I’ve been considered a delicacy, and now they…Read more...

OCEAN CITY, MD—Stressing that the descriptions sounded incredibly tasty, local man Lucas Petrakis told reporters Monday that the copy on a package of cat treats was going on about their delicious, creamy center way too much for the company not to be marketing the product to humans. “It says they are ‘slow-roasted’ and…Read more...

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GUILFORD, CT—Disappointed that his efforts thus far could best be defined as minor mischief, the cacodemon Artaraz, known as Chamberlain of the Void, Lord of the Unglimpsed, and He Who Dwells Beyond The Third Seal, confessed Monday to “feeling like a complete idiot” for possessing the mortal form of 6-year-old Chase…Read more...

NEW YORK—Emphasizing that the phenomenon is barely perceptible on a daily basis yet significant when observed on the whole, the nation’s top qualitative experts released a report Monday confirming that everything in every significant area of life is, in fact, slightly worse than it was yesterday. “While there are by…Read more...

The last 10 years have been a period of dramatic evolution in video games. From revolutions in interactive storytelling (remember a time when “walking simulator” and “Souls” weren’t genres?) to significant progress in game creation inclusivity, what defined gaming has mutated into something stranger, more expansive,…Read more...