The Onion

PHILADELPHIA—Happily nodding their heads and shaking hands with each other in congratulations, thousands of pleased but calm Philadelphia residents reportedly said, “Well that’s nice,” Sunday after the Eagles’ Super Bowl victory over the Patriots. “This sure is swell. Both teams played a good game, but I’m glad we…Read more...

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MINNEAPOLIS—Claiming the quality of the facilities had exceeded his expectations, Eagles fan Wes Fernley admitted Sunday that U.S. Bank Stadium had the nicest seats he has ever thrown up on. “I’ve been to some great stadiums in the past few years, but puking here was a really amazing experience,” said Fernley, who…Read more...

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ROCHESTER, NY—Allaying his friend’s concerns over the amount of space available to watch the game, local man Bryan Rogers confirmed Sunday that his Super Bowl party still has plenty of room on the floor. “You should definitely still come over, man, there’s a ton of places left to sit on the rug,” said Rogers, assuring…Read more...

BIRMINGHAM, AL—Blaming the punishing physical toll the game takes on their bodies, an alarming report released Sunday by the National Center for Sports Safety revealed that 78 percent of Puppy Bowl participants die before reaching the age of 50 weeks. “Our data confirmed pugs, cocker spaniels, and huskies that…Read more...

A bill passed in Canada’s Senate will change the national anthem’s second line from “in all thy sons” to “in all of us” to make it more inclusive. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Saying they were committed to providing safe and enjoyable air travel for all customers, United Airlines on Friday announced new guidelines to crack down on emotional support spouses. “Starting today, passengers will need to provide proof that their comfort husband or wife is fully vaccinated, as well as a…Read more...

BERKELEY, CA—Researchers at University of California-Berkeley discovered Friday that a reduction in Facebook use could be directly linked to one’s desire to be a happy and fully functioning person. “Our data indicate that there may, in fact, be a relationship between yearning to be a self-realized human who enjoys…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Touted as a bold imagining of 26th-century life, the science fiction movie Day Of The Crimson proposes a vision of the future in which women rarely—if ever—speak to each other, sources confirmed Friday. “Even beyond its taut pacing and gorgeous cinematography, the film offers a glimpse at an alternate…Read more...

Scientists in Japan developed a banana with an edible peel by growing the fruit in ultra-cold conditions. What do you think?Read more...

Scientists at Google concluded that naked mole-rats are the first known mammal to not have an increased risk of death from age-related causes. What do you think?Read more...

MINNEAPOLIS—Pacing anxiously between a piano and drum machine, pausing only to scrawl down hasty notes or blow into a recorder, elder pop statesman Justin Timberlake reportedly pulled a panicked all-nighter Thursday after realizing his fifth studio album, Man Of The Woods, was due the next morning. “I knocked out a…Read more...

LONDON—Prince Harry and Meghan Markle reportedly set up their wedding registry with discount retailer Target Thursday, including a variety of kitchen, home décor, and bath items on the list of gift options for their guests. “This luggage is a little pricey, but it would be nice to finally have a set of matching…Read more...

APOPKA, FL—Local man Jeremy Land reportedly voiced his preference Thursday for comic books that don’t insert politics into stories about people forced to undergo body- and mind-altering experiments that transform them into government agents of war. “I’m tired of simply trying to enjoy escapist stories in which people…Read more...

Crowdfunding has become a popular way to raise money from friends, family, and strangers for everything from artistic projects to medical expenses. The Onion presents a step-by-step guide to running a successful crowdfunding campaign:Read more...

NEW YORK—Honoring their sartorial excellence at a time when most people dressed all frumpy, the Parsons School of Design celebrated the start of Black History Month Thursday by recalling how sharp African Americans looked in old-timey clothes. “Throughout February, as we recognize the countless contributions black…Read more...

NEW YORK—According to several eyewitness accounts, Icelandic singer and experimental artist Björk was reportedly spotted Wednesday night leaving a New York City nightclub with a mysterious firefly trapped within an ethereal bubble. “I can confirm that Björk was out and about in Manhattan last night canoodling with a…Read more...

The Cleveland Indians announced that they will no longer use their controversial mascot on next year’s uniforms, although they will continue selling some merchandise featuring him. What do you think?Read more...

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President Trump delivered his first State Of The Union Address last night. What do you think?Read more...

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SEATTLE—Saying the online retailer was attempting to get ahead of the anticipated rush, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced Wednesday that his company’s warehouses have been stocked with 20,000 doctors in preparation for the launch of his new healthcare initiative. “As part of our mission to always be expanding our…Read more...

LAREDO, TX—Scrambling to cook breakfast, change a diaper, and put on his bulletproof vest at the same time, tough-as-nails ICE agent Tony Carter admitted Thursday that he was struggling to raise the remaining three members of the Guerrero family after deporting their parents to El Salvador. “Alright, you knuckleheads,…Read more...

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PASADENA, CA—In a groundbreaking study that sheds new light upon the vast capabilities of the human mind, neurologists at the California Institute of Technology have shown that our brains continue to engage in self-criticism for several minutes after we die. “Using the latest neuroimaging techniques, we have been able…Read more...

NEW YORK—While acknowledging that he hopes to improve upon many of the industry’s shortcomings, JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon stated Wednesday that his real inspiration for starting a new healthcare company is his deep-seated and unrelenting desire to see a fellow human being die up close. “Sure, I’m looking forward…Read more...

Shoppers at French supermarket chain Intermarché are rioting through stores and engaging in violence after the chain cut the price of Nutella by 70 percent. What do you think?Read more...

MARSHALL, MN—Claiming that his gruff classroom demeanor was often misunderstood, no-nonsense chemistry teacher Bill Powderly explained on Wednesday that he was only tough on his students because he gets off on exploiting his authority. “Listen folks, I’m only stern with you kids because I care [about the surge of…Read more...

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On Wednesday, stargazers will see a rare triple lineup that includes a blue moon, a supermoon, and a total lunar eclipse, an occurrence that will not happen again until 2037. What do you think?Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Saying the outing was a well-deserved treat for laboring on President Trump’s upcoming State of the Union address, senior policy advisor Stephen Miller reportedly rewarded himself Tuesday with a trip to see all the children at a local ICE detention center. “I’ve been putting in some pretty long hours, so…Read more...

The DREAM Act, which would provide permanent residency to immigrants brought into the country as children who fulfill certain requirements, has been controversial since its introduction in 2001 and remains one of the focal points of the immigration debate. The Onion outlines the myths and facts surrounding the DREAM…Read more...

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BOSTON—Growing more agitated the harder he tried coming up with a suggestion, mathematician William Haley reportedly became flustered Tuesday after he was unable to recommend a good number. “Ah, shit, give me a second, I’m totally blanking on a numeral right now,” said an overwhelmed Haley, adding that while there…Read more...

FREMONT, CA—Stressing that they should only say it once they feel comfortable, local stepmom Allison Pratt told reporters Tuesday that she doesn’t expect her stepchildren to call her a stupid bitch right away. “They were already teenagers when I came into their lives, so I understand if it takes a while before they…Read more...

A mining company in Lesotho has discovered a 910-carat diamond in the country’s mountainous region, one of the largest of its kind ever found with an estimated $40 million price tag. What do you think?Read more...

CLEVELAND—Stressing the importance of showing consideration for every stockholder, Cleveland Indians owner Paul Dolan admitted Monday that mascot Chief Wahoo is no longer compatible with modern revenue growth expectations. “Although he has been the franchise symbol for decades, we decided it’s best to remove Chief…Read more...

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Swedish entrepreneur and Ikea founder Ingvar Kampgrad died at 91 after a brief illness. What do you think?Read more...

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DALLAS—Confirming that the woman he has been dating since last year is “the whole package,” local man Tim Gurtz told reporters Monday his absolutely perfect girlfriend, Sasha Klein, blames herself for everything. “We get along so well we hardly ever fight, but when we do, she immediately backs down, says it’s all her…Read more...

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