by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3J5SP)
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-05-12 14:33 |
by The Onion on (#3J5PQ)
Securing your home to ensure that you, your family, and your belongings are safe from theft or invasion can be done through a variety of traditional and technological methods. Here are The Onion’s tips for keeping your home safe.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3J5KS)
TERRE HAUTE, IN—In an effort to foster a more inclusive workplace, Jetsam Marketing Solutions announced Wednesday a new plan to implement diversity by conducting hourly regimented killings of white employees and hiring a more equitable percentage of minority candidates in their stead. “Until our staffing goals are…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3J5KT)
The Massachusetts Institute of Technology plans to bring nuclear fusion to market in the next 15 years after receiving a $50 million investment, a development that could offer the world massively more efficient and cleaner energy. What do you think?Read more...
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3J5GV)
VICTORIA, SEYCHELLES—Welling with pride as the child made his initial $2 million deposit, hedge fund billionaire Seymour Gansthorpe reportedly helped his son Elwin, 8, open his first offshore bank account, sources reported Tuesday. “These are the kinds of things you live for as a dad: getting to watch your little boy…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3J3G3)
British Prime Minister Theresa May said Russia’s involvement in poisoning a former Russian spy was “highly likely†and called it a direct act of the Russian state against the United Kingdom. What do you think?Read more...
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by By Kevin Pagonis on (#3J30R)
Look, I’m the last person to blindly glom onto whatever hot new lifestyle trend is popular at the moment, but this time is different. I’ve just discovered something that’s so transformative, so revolutionary, I can’t imagine how I ever lived without it. Trust me, this is no gimmick. I’m talking about socks, and now…Read more...
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3J2Y0)
DAVENPORT, IA—Acknowledging that his purely romantic intentions could easily be misunderstood, potential suitor James Gerretson said Tuesday he was unsure how to display his penis to the woman he liked without coming off as a creep. “The beginning of any relationship is a delicate time, so instead of risking a clumsy…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3J2GF)
FAIRBANKS, AK—Though she was all geared up to complain about work when she went out for coffee Tuesday, local woman Laura Roman was reportedly forced to table any discussion of her frustrations after being sidelined by a friend with marital problems. “Goddammit, I was ready to blow off some serious steam about how…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3J2D9)
Beverage giant Coca-Cola is developing its first-ever alcoholic spin on its classic soda to be sold in Japan later this year, saying it will be 3 percent to 8 percent alcohol and feature a vodka-like distillation of rice, barley, and potatoes known as shÅchÅ«. What do you think?Read more...
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by OnionNews on (#3J26T)
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by The Onion on (#3J1Y4)
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by The Onion on (#3J071)
Americans set their clocks forward by one hour on Sunday so that daylight lasts further into the evening. How are you coping with losing an hour?Read more...
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3J04N)
DURAND, MN—Guests in the home of local couple Steve and Pamela Baker were taken aback Sunday after being confronted with the sight of the large mirror mounted on the libertine kink-lovers’ bathroom wall. “I suspected those two were adventurous, but wow, I did not expect they’d rig a mirror for watching themselves…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3HZXQ)
ATLANTA—Explaining that the topic involves an elaborate web of military, political, and economic issues, CNN panelists warned Monday that the North Korea situation was way too complex for them to discuss intelligently. “Viewers should understand that a CNN panel has absolutely no business deliberating about the…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3HZXR)
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by The Onion on (#3HZRC)
ATLANTA—As part of its ongoing campaign to combat the epidemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention rolled out a new fleet of Narcan-equipped biplanes Monday to fumigate opioid-ravaged small towns nationwide. “It’s become obvious that half measures will not remedy this crisis, so the next step is for CDC…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3HZJH)
NEW YORK—Describing the 72-hour gauntlet of meals, gifts, surprises, and social events as “spine-chilling,†exhausted local man Blake McNally told reporters Monday that his girlfriend’s birthday weekend had been a nightmarish labyrinth through her darkest and most depraved desires. “God, I thought we were done after…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3HZEZ)
PARK CITY, UT—Admitting they felt utterly bewildered after viewing the new action movie Run River, audience members voiced their confusion Monday regarding a shot that panned from the villain to blood spattering against a wall. “It was really unclear; first, you see the bad guy with his hands up, then the camera moves…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3HZC4)
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by The Onion on (#3HZ6C)
A Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report found that overdoses due to opioids such as oxycodone, fentanyl, and heroin increased by 30 percent from July 2016 to September 2017, revealing a still worsening crisis. What do you think?Read more...
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by jmdavid on (#3HSTB)
A Very Fatal Murder sends Onion Public Radio correspondent David Pascall from New York City to the sleepy town of Bluff Springs, Nebraska to investigate the mysterious death of a 17-year-old girl, Hayley Price. Haley was a popular, smart animal lover, with a bright future ahead of her. Everyone in town knew her name,…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3HSHK)
A 132-year-old message in a bottle was found by an Australian family, with experts verifying that it was thrown off of a German Naval Observatory vessel in 1886 as an experiment in shipping routes. What do you think?Read more...
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3HSG3)
OAKLAND, CA—Alternating his problems with the film’s story structure, pacing, and overall tone with effusive praise for the cast of strong, multicultural women, Bay Area Examiner film columnist Justin Garren published a negative review of A Wrinkle In Time Friday in which he nevertheless took pains to remind his…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3HSG4)
DALLAS—As they filed silently past the disheveled twentysomething staring intently at his iPhone, each passenger on American Airlines Flight 176 to Miami on Friday reportedly had a different theory as to how the occupant of seat 3A managed to get into first class. “I don’t know, he looks way too young to be a CEO and…Read more...
by jmdavid on (#3HSTC)
In the finale of “A Very Fatal Murder,†David returns to where it all began to finally solve the murder of Hayley Price.Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3HSE0)
LOS GATOS, CA—Acknowledging that the former president’s enthusiasm for the project made it all the harder to come clean, Netflix chief content officer Ted Sarandos was reportedly unsure Friday how to tell Barack Obama his series idea was just Fawlty Towers. “Oh God, he clearly put so much work into the pitch, but I…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3HS3V)
HINXTON, ENGLAND—Convening this week for an annual conference to discuss the role of unseemly physical traits in natural selection, researchers from around the globe reportedly remained divided on the issue of ugly people’s evolutionary function. “If the goal of the human adult is to reproduce, then why, after…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3HRDY)
Fast-food giant McDonald’s announced it will roll out fresh beef at the majority of its domestic locations in a move to battle for customers’ increasingly divided attention. What do you think?Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3HRAZ)
OXFORD, ENGLAND—Providing insight into the culture of early Western civilization, historians from the University of Oxford announced Friday the discovery of new evidence revealing that ancient Greeks immediately regretted inventing theater. “Our research shows that directly after developing theatrical performances as…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3HPGW)
Employees in the new Apple headquarters have been repeatedly walking into its glass windows and doors, forcing some to call 911 due to mild concussions. What do you think?Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3HPF0)
PHOENIX ISLANDS, KIRIBATI—Claiming to have uncovered definitive proof that the pioneer aviatrix survived following her mysterious 1937 disappearance, forensic researchers announced Thursday that a variety of human bones found on the remote western Pacific island of Nikumaroro are most likely the remains of those eaten…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3HPCQ)
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by Slim Jim on (#3HP51)
CHICAGO—Saying the employee picked up on her position’s mind-numbing dullness right out of the gate, local marketing manager Glen Marshall told reporters Wednesday that new hire Jennifer Schwartz was gaining a quick grasp of how terrible her new job is. “Wow, Jennifer seemed to immediately get a hang of how utterly…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3HP1K)
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3HP1M)
During my 48 years in this world, I’ve done my best to lead a good life. I’ve worked hard, been honest in my dealings with others, and tried to give generously of my time and talents. After marrying the love of my life, I settled down to make a home with her, and together we’re raising two beautiful daughters. Such…Read more...
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3HNXW)
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3HNQB)
Over the past few years, interest in alternatives to traditional monogamous relationships has increased, and more people are experimenting with having more than one romantic partner. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of open relationships.Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3HNHP)
BALTIMORE—In a report many experts have described as deeply discouraging, researchers at Johns Hopkins University published data Thursday that suggest the average American adult walks no more than a mile each year with their pants down around their ankles. “Though a small handful of Americans clumsily waddle up to…Read more...
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3HNEQ)
A Gallup study indicates a growing bias against having sons and towards having daughters in most American parents, with experts citing a “subtle fear of boys and the trouble they might bring.†What do you think?Read more...
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3HN6Q)
NEW YORK—Capping a lengthy project to restore the iconic monument to its original form, New York City park officials announced Thursday that they have finally finished replacing the long-dead light bulbs in the Statue of Liberty’s eyes. “From its unveiling in 1889 until Hurricane Sandy damaged the statue in 2012,…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3HKAW)
FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Noting that the middle-aged individual walked in, dropped his towel, and began making small talk with those around him, sources confirmed Wednesday that a man at Core Fitness Center appeared to have absolutely no qualms about standing around naked in front of everyone in spin class. “That guy sure is…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3HK7X)
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3HK7Y)
South Korean officials say Kim Jong-Un is willing to give up his nuclear ambitions if his regime is guaranteed safety by the United States. What do you think?Read more...
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by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3HJVF)
MERIDIAN, ID—Approaching the mysterious beings with a sense of curiosity and wonder, 5-year-old explorer Olivia Reynolds reportedly made contact Wednesday with two unknown life-forms in an adjacent booth at a local diner. According to witnesses, the harrowing journey began when the intrepid Reynolds stood up on her…Read more...
by jmdavid on (#3HJVG)
In the second part of the fifth episode of “A Very Fatal Murder,†David finally confronts W.O. Calloway about the murder of Hayley Price.Read more...